Muppets Tonight

[Clifford gets into the supply cabinet instead of going through the doors onto the set]

Kermit the Frog:
Clifford, that's the supply cabinet!

Clifford:
I know that, it's a nice supply cabinet too. Nice and quiet. Let's cue the announcer shall we.

Kermit the Frog:
Cue the announcer.

Nigel:
Go Go Go Go Go Go Go!

[supply cabinet is pushed on set]

Announcer:
And now it's time for "Muppets Tonight" and here's the host of our show - Clifford!

[Rizzo knocks on supply cabinet door]

Rizzo the rat:
You're on, Clifford!

Clifford:
I'm Clifford, your homey made of foamey!

The Great Gonzo:
Clifford, your problems are solved, I've got an act thats gonna knock your socks off!

Clifford:
Well, put them on, man.

The Great Gonzo:
Your socks?

Clifford:
No, the act!

Clifford:
The only thing that's gonna save us now, Rizzo, is if a world famous superstar walks through that door...

[door closes on Clifford]

Rizzo the rat:
Or that door.

Clifford:
Man, you cats are stupid!

Randy Pig:
Oh, well, you are the stupid one because we are not even cats.

Andy Pig:
Yes we're... dogs.

Randy Pig:
Look a fire hydrant!

Waldorf:
Nurse, there's something wrong with this TV.

Statler:
What's that?

Waldorf:
It's on!

Polly:
I hear you've been having some problems.

Clueless:
It's my wife's sister. She's eating me out of house and home.

Polly:
Ate all the groceries, huh?

Clueless:
No, she ate my house which of course is my home!

John Goodman:
I think the igpays are a little upidstay.

Andy Pig:
He speaks the ancient tongue!

Andy Pig, Randy Pig:
Ereway otnay orthyway! Ereway otnay orthyway!

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
[Pierce Brosnan and Kermit the Frog are in Bunsen's lab, Pierce Brosnan is cleaning his ear with a cotton swab] Now, where did I put my Super Ray of Death Cotton Swab?

Kermit the Frog:
Say, what?

Bobo the Bear:
[a red ray comes out of his opposite ear and blows a hole in the wall, seen through the hole, Bobo the Bear is taking a bath] Hey! This is the reason I moved out of the Y!

[Garth Brooks is singing a number from Fiddler on the Roof]

Studio manager:
I thought he was going to sing a country song.

Rizzo the rat:
Yeah, but he didn't say which country.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
[driving a speedboat] Look, no hands! [takes off his glasses and tosses them] No eyes!

Andy Pig:
Cindy, if you're a supermodel, what are your super powers?

Cindy Crawford:
Well? I can do this. [Lasers come from her eyes and Andy flashes and gets vaporized]

Randy Pig:
Cool! oh Cindy! Cindy! Do me! Do me! Please Cindy!

Carl:
[eating Bunsen's experimental Nice/Evil Biscotti/Chimichengas] I like this biscotti. [eats a chimichenga] But I hate this chimichangas! [eats a biscotti] And I love this biscotti. [eats a chimichenga] And I hate these chimichengas! [eats a nearby lamp] I love this lamp. [eats an alarm clock] Oh, I hate this alarm clock! [the clock he just ate rings and he vibrates for a second] Thank you! [bows]

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Science has left me a sad and lonely man. [there is a knock from the cubboard, Bunsen opens it] oh! Who are you?

The Sad And Lonely Man That Science Has Left Dr. Honeydew:
I'm the sad and lonely man that science has left you.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
I don't get it

The Sad And Lonely Man That Science Has Left Dr. Honeydew:
It's a joke, you sad little man.

Carrie:
[counting down all the frogs she's kissed] Thirtyfour was Jeremiah.

Kermit (as Charles):
Jeremiah?

Carrie:
Jeremiah was a bullfrog. He was a very good friend of mine.

Kermit (as Charles):
And you never understood a single word he said,

Kermit (as Charles), Waiter:
But you helped him drink his wine?

Carrie:
I've no idea what you're talking about.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
Kermit, Dr. Dull is out. I've gotten in touch with my inner funk master, and his name is Snoop Doggie Dew.

Quasibobo:
Oh, Andie, what are you doing up there?

Andie:
I'm not exactly sure. I told the writers I wanted to play a Southern Belle, not a Cathedral bell.

Quasibobo:
Oh, those writers!

Clifford:
Yo yo yo yo yo, Kerm, Kerm!

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, yeah?

Clifford:
Listen, we got to do something about Dr. Dew. He's becoming Dr. Loop di dew.

George Takei:
Mr. Beaker, set ego for bruise...

Kermit the Frog:
[to the monkey writing staff] Hey, you guys did really good. You can go touch the monolight now.

Andie:
Lets go get our body pierced.

Andie:
Eh, don't, don't you think we should maybe geting back to the show?

Andie:
Are we still doing the show? I hadn't noticed. Now pick a part, where getting it pierced.

Dr. Bunsen Honeydew:
But Andie, where will you go, what will you do?

Andie:
Frankly my Dew I don't give a dear. [blows him a kiss]

George Takei:
Now of course the episode Bread and Circuses was an absolute classic. Captain Kirk did save the day, yes, but at the crucial moment, Sulu pressed that button on the con.

Kermit the Frog:
It's "Muppets Tonight" with our very special guest star, Billy Crystal! Yea!

Rizzo the Rat:
[Rizzo is miked to feed Bobo romantic lines to Cindy Crawford. Then Rizzo's cousins return from the fair] Hey, that's a nice set of balloons you got there. Maybe you'll let me play with 'em, later.

Bobo the Bear:
Maybe you'll let me play with them later?

Cindy Crawford:
What? [punches Bobo in the snout]

Rizzo the Rat:
[feeding Bobo romantic lines via an earpiece] Cindy, to me, you are like the nuts and berries of the forest.

Bobo the Bear:
Cindy, to me, a nut like you should be burried in the forest.

Clifford:
How are things going on the show?

Bobo the Bear:
Oh, well, Dennis Quaid is doing great! Yeah, You know, you guys really ought to do this show together. You know, well, we could call it: The Dennis Quaid and Clifford Muppet Good Time Hour featuring Dennis Quaid!

Dennis Quaid:
[in Dragonheart spoof] Froggo, your reign of terror is over! I, Circumference of the Circle shall fight you to the death!

Kermit the Frog:
[offscreen] Oh, get over thyself!

Dennis Quaid:
[surprised] Hey, you don't sound like Sean Connery!

Kermit the Frog:
Yeah, well, you don't sound like Jerry Lee Lewis!

Dennis Quaid:
Ooooh, getting personal! Stand back, everyone!

Muppet Elvis 1:
[declaration of Independence spoof] Hey, there, George Washington.

Muppet Elvis 2:
What's up there, Thomas Jefferson?

Muppet Elvis 1:
Got anymore of that cherry pie left?

Muppet Elvis 2:
I cannot tell a lie. I ate the whole thang.

Muppet Elvis 1:
Whoooooa. Mercy.

The Great Gonzo:
Here on Monday we have "Murphy Prawn" and "The Single Duck in the City with his Apartment Full of Friends." And for this evening's show right now we have "TBA" followed by the "X-Flies"...

Kermit the Frog:
Excuse me Gonzo, but "TBA" means to be announced which means we don't have a show for tonight!

Kermit the Frog:
So, who want's to volunteer to host this new show?

[everbody runs out of the room]

Clifford:
I've always wanted to have my own show. Man, this is great! So when does it start?

Kermit the Frog:
In about thirty seconds.

[Clifford faints]

Prince:
I'm the Artist Formerly Known as Prince.

Bobo the Bear:
And I'm the bear currently known as Not Amused!