Neues aus der Anstalt

Mattias Deutschmann:
The Vienna Opera Ball: Half a ton of silicone and 10.000 years prison at one place.

Insasse:
A real common example: A 230 year old webdesigner has Riestered and R?ruped for 94 years and married a 118 years younger attractive woman - of course minus an internet flatrate... a 108 year old can enjoy his 20 Euro savings balance... No, now I got it. When a 4 headed wife has paid 62 Euros... then... uh...

Josef Hader:
I'm sorry, but I can't sleep.

Anstaltsleiter:
Me neither. Why not stay awake?

Josef Hader:
But I want to sleep.

Anstaltsleiter:
Then take a sleeping pill.

Josef Hader:
They're not working. Well... Maybe something boring is on TV right now.

Anstaltsleiter:
*We* are on TV right now.

Josef Hader:
Oh, that's something different?

Jochen Malmsheimer:
I don't want to know on how many bodies tattooist wrote "Don't spit on the floor", "Next validation in 2007" or simply "Two pounds of meat, 3.95" in Asian.

Jochen Malmsheimer:
That asks for medicine. I got the gift of self medication, I could give you some pills.

Lothar Dombrowski:
No, thanks. I already stole some today.

Hagen Rether:
The third season of Afghanistan just started. It has been renewed because of high ratings.

Hagen Rether:
They just found out that the atomic weapons of Israel are harmless compared to the atomic weapons of Iran.

Hagen Rether:
Gerhard Schr?der is in trouble because he said Putin is a flawless democrat. Angela Merkel thinks Bush is a flawless democrat. Where is the f***ing difference?

Anstaltsleiter:
Don't you dare use my elevator again!

Hagen Rether:
Some time ago, old men full of hope created the Constitution. Nowadays, old men full of fear try to kill it.

Hagen Rether:
Now they're forbidding terrorists to fly over government quarters. They're f***ed now, eh?

Josef Hader:
You're not going to commit suicide, you just like to talk about it. You're just like someone from Vienna.

Insasse der nicht mit Piet Klocke verwechselt werden will:
I want to recommend you people to go to the european election, even though Brussels appeals to be... with pyjamas. There is, because of that, because they shouldn't think, so that they think... so that they know "Well... They're still there, the others". So that somethings, and I am not excited! I am not excited, quite the contrary I am very calm. Because the doctor gave me something. On a natural basis. His adjutant gave me a free-ranged roof batten, two times on the right... but! You are right, Brussels has a bad image, even though its a good city.

Insasse der nicht mit Piet Klocke verwechselt werden will:
Back in my youth I had hormones, and it was a good time. I once had, and I remember it as if it never happened...

Insasse der nicht mit Piet Klocke verwechselt werden will:
And I asked the female jura students what they want to to after study. And they said, they don't care as long as they get to Brussels because they can follow their, let's call it "work"...

[Jochen Malmsheimer delivers a portrait after being told to bring a portrait of Horst K?hler]

Jochen Malmsheimer:
Mission accomplished, there he is.

Jochen Malmsheimer:
[shows the portrait which features Guildo Horn]

Urban Priol:
Malmsheimer! I told you to bring a portrait of Horst K?hler!

Jochen Malmsheimer:
I googled at Wikipedia, and you said "some Horst K?hler".

Urban Priol:
This is Guildo Horn!

Jochen Malmsheimer:
But his real name is Horst K?hler.

Lothar Dombrowski:
Really? His real name is Horst K?hler?

Jochen Malmsheimer:
Yes.

Lothar Dombrowski:
So he changed his name out of shame from the other one?

Nessi Tausendsch?n:
But there is no Stasi anymore, right?

Claus von Wagner:
Well... that job is now done by other people.

[after a one minute long rant by Lothar Dombrowski followed by applause from the audience]

Urban Priol:
Great. You could've cut it down to "The little ones get caught, the big ones get free."

Lothar Dombrowski:
Yes, I could have. But then I wouldn't have recieved that much applause.

Himself - Host:
[talking about Horst K?hler] Now he wants to go on for 5 more years. Why does he do that to himself?

Lothar Dombrowski:
Himself? Why himself? Us!

Urban Priol:
The Popemobile still needs to be colored.

Jochen Malmsheimer:
What color?

Urban Priol:
Sperm-white of course!

Lothar Dombrowski:
Do you really think that capitalism is finished?

Volker Pispers:
Sure. It kills itself right now or gets beaten at its own game.

Lothar Dombrowski:
No, I think you underestimate capitalism tremendously. Capitalism survived the RAF, Helmut Kohl and it will survive Oskar Lafontaine easily.

Volker Pispers:
But not the Chinese.

Lothar Dombrowski:
The Chinese? The Chinese aren't fighting capitalism, they copy it.

Volker Pispers:
But why? Did you ever thought about that? Why does the last remaining irrefutable reigning communist party on the planet promotes capitalism in its own country? There's something behind that.

Lothar Dombrowski:
You think it's a trick?

Volker Pispers:
Sure, they've learned from the RAF and the Soviet Union that you can't fight capitalism with force. You need to hug it to death.

Lothar Dombrowski:
You mean, in this case, produce to death?

Volker Pispers:
Yes.

Lothar Dombrowski:
With lead poisoned Barbie dolls?

Volker Pispers:
Naw... And that is only the beginning. Once they will copy capitalism perfect, so that capitalism becomes completely absurd and thus they will overcome it.

Lothar Dombrowski:
But how do you want to destroy something that is continuingly growing and therefor becomes more powerful?

Volker Pispers:
What would you do when you want to get rid of fat people? Do you try to starve them to death?

Lothar Dombrowski:
Of course not! When you are as old as I am, you ain't that much time.

Volker Pispers:
Exaclty. In cases like that it's much more effective to feed those people. If you are always feeding fat people, you'll get rid of them much faster than denying them food forever. And they would believe until the end that you're a good friend.