The Last Detective

[looking at a suicide victim in the mortuary]

Dangerous Davies:
Are you sure that he's dead?

Pathologist:
Well I do have his brain in a jar here. So I presume he's dead... or he could be a detective constable working in North London.

[Mod Lewis has just joked that Dangerous Davies is starting to lose his hair]

Dangerous Davies:
What do you call a row of rabbits marching backwards?

Mod Lewis:
Dunno.

Dangerous Davies:
A receding hare-line!

Dangerous Davies:
I think I'm being stalked.

Mod Lewis:
I knew a woman who wouldn't leave me alone. She'd follow me everywhere, buy me clothes and give me money.

Dangerous Davies:
Did you go to the police?

Mod Lewis:
No. It'd be a cruel man who'd turn in his own mother.

Dangerous Davies:
Fancy a pint?

Mod Lewis:
Well, I've never seen an unattractive one.

[Dangerous is trying to give Mod a driving lesson. As Mod is changing gear, he crunches the gears]

Mod Lewis:
That didn't sound too healthy, Dangerous. When did you last have this thing serviced?

Dangerous Davies:
[yells] Clutch! Clutch! Depress the clutch! And I don't mean tell it your life story.

DS Pimlott:
Where is this leading?

Professor Quentin Tapscott:
To the truth.

Pearly Gates:
[to Dangerous] Much as I love your company, I have no intention of saying anything without my lawyer present.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
Sometimes the mind can be a very dark, dangerous place.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
So, are you sure?

Pathologist:
Sure?

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
Sure he's dead?

Pathologist:
[Sarcastically] Well, I do have his brain in a jar here, so I presume he's dead or he could be a detective constable working in North London.

DS Pimlott:
Dear Dangerous, you really got to get off this habit of trusting people.

Mod Lewis:
Art is as unimportant as banking unless it comes from a spirit in free play, and then it really is banking.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
What do you mean by that?

Mod Lewis:
Art for art's sake.

Mod Lewis:
Latin is an honor; Greek is a treat as Churchill once said.

Christine Leyman:
We all have our share of luck sooner or later, don't you think?

Christine Leyman:
It's easy for a woman to lie to any man. Women lie all the time. Are you married? Ask your wife.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
[as Mod is posing naked for an art class of senior women] I can see your bun!

Mod Lewis:
Art is not art unless it threatens.

DC Davies:
D'you know two hundred thousand people go missing every year in this country?

Mod:
That's amazing. Such an even number!

DC Barrett:
Dirtier than a coal miner's jockstrap in there!

DC Davies:
I am returning to the slightly unpleasant stench that is my office.

DC Davies:
What do you know about pornography?

Mod:
Have you been in my room again?

Simon Dabney:
As for me, whenever a friend succeeds, a little part of me dies.

Vera Dulciman:
Let me tell you something. If that woman didn't have anything to gossip about, her lungs would collapse.

Vera Dulciman:
When I first came to the oncology place, I thought I'd be in and out in ten minutes. How many can there be? I go through the doors and I can't get a seat. Elderly ladies, strong-looking young men, children of two years old. This thing has no taste, no discrimination, and you start thinking why me and you start thinking two years old. Why then, for god's sake? That's on a good day. ON a bad day, I'm a self-pitying old cow! You wouldn't want to know me.

Trevethiek:
You're not a nice man, are you, Davies?

DC Dangerous Davies:
If I was, I'd be selling cars, wouldn't I?

Julie Davies:
Oh, they call him that because he isn't... Dangerous. Dangerous Davies, the last detective. 'Dangerous'... because he isn't. 'The Last Detective'... because he's the last man they'd put on anything important.

[Mod is choosing flats based on the women that he'd be sharing with]

DC Davies:
You can't base your selection on looks.

Mod:
Why not? It's no more arbitrary than choosing any other way. It's Darwinian. It's evolution. It's survival of the fittest.

DC Davies:
I don't think Darwin intended "fittest" to mean "good-looking".

Tanya:
You a friend of the family?

DC Davies:
Detective Constable Davies, but everyone calls me Dangerous.

Tanya:
Why?

DC Davies:
Basically, they're taking the piss.

DC Barrett:
[Looking at Jimmy the Gent's manor house] Who said crime doesn't pay hasn't been to this gaff.

Warren:
[to Dangerous] Frankly it's a pleasure to get arrested by you.

DC Davies:
They make toilet suites in the industrial site off Warmley.

DC Barrett:
What do they taste like?

DC Davies:
What?

DC Barrett:
Toilet sweets.

[Barrett and Pimlott sn*gger]

DI Aspinall:
[sarcastically] Oh, good one. We can look forward to the rest of your lavatorial repertoire during the course of this case, can we?

Mod:
Have you ever noticed that there's only one letter between monkey and donkey? That's no coincidence.

Gillian Langham:
You've been a very naughty boy.

DC Davies:
I'm a policeman.

Gillian Langham:
You've been a very naughty policeman. Kneel!

DC Davies:
No, you've got the wrong end of the stick.

Gillian Langham:
Obey me or you'll be getting the wrong end of it.

Gerry Jameson:
The past is another country.

Billy Wunder:
You know what they say, Mr. Davies, the good die young. Not always true though, is it?

Mod:
When they pave over Paradise and put up a parking lot, it'll be you collectin' the tickets.

Mod:
In fact, the sun comes up every morning.

Mod:
Indeed, unless it's rainin', of course.

Bradshaw:
Life is a bad experience.

Mod:
Women... they can smell desperation a mile off.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
[Helping Mod Lewis learn the Highway Code in preparation for his driving test] Ask me a question.

Mod Lewis:
What is the one place you must never leave your car unattended?

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
Liverpool.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
I was hopin' not to be disturbed.

Mod Lewis:
You've always been disturbed.

Mod Lewis:
You're supposed to give me a tip.

Detective Constable 'Dangerous' Davies:
Never trust an Irishman with ginger eyelashes.