Shrek the Halls

Donkey:
My mama used to always say, 'Christmas ain't Christmas till somebody cries!' Usually that someone's me.

Shrek:
[Entering shop] Oh, good, you're still open!

Bookstore Clerk:
No. No. Uh, we're closing now. Merry Christmas! [starts pushing Shrek out the door]

Shrek:
[pushes door open] Wait! Wait! I need your help. I have to make a Christmas and I have no idea what it is or how to do it.

Bookstore Clerk:
[excited] Why didn't you say so? That's super! I know all about Christmas, and I have just the book for you: 'Christmas For Village Idiots.'

Shrek:
T'was the night before Christmas, not a swamp rat did creep / As mother and babe played kazoo in their sleep / Now, the sight of the house would make any ogre droop / For it was sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop / Yet who is arriving to help this lost cause? / The foul, the vile... and handsome Ogre Claus!

Shrek:
[as Ogre Claus] Hey. How's it going?

Shrek:
He looked all around and scratched at his beard / and said... and said...

Shrek:
[as Ogre Claus] This place is worse than I thought... uh, feared!

Shrek:
So he grabbed up his belly and screwed up his face / And let loose a...

[Loud belch]

Shrek:
...That transformed the place / With a gleam in his eye, his work here was done / And then to the babies he gave one by one / A festering bottle of stinky swamp juice / And for mommy a kiss and a good Christmas goose.

[Motions to goose Fiona, but then pulls out a goose]

Shrek:
[as Ogre Claus] 325 degrees, 20 minutes per pound.

Shrek:
Then digging a finger inside of his nose / and giving a nod up the chimney he rose / And I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight / Smelly Christmas to all / And to all a gross night!

Puss in Boots:
In my homeland, we tell a very different tale of the Santa Nicolas / He's not made of waffles / This Santa was suave / He was nothing like that / The Santa I know / Was a hot Latin cat! / He was dressed all in fur / From his head to his paws / And he stood there heroic, / A real Santa... Claws. / Red are his boots / And so is his cape; / His sword is a cane / That tastes like crabcake. / He wears a fine belt / And a leather cravat / And there's a cute, fuzzy thing / Which hangs down from his... hat.

[purring and tapping on bell]

Puss in Boots:
[Comes to] I have shamed myself.

Donkey:
Oh, man, it's finally here! Tomorrow's Christmas Eve! You got everything ready?

Shrek:
No.

Donkey:
You mean you haven't trimmed your stockings or hung your chestnuts or roasted the tree?

Shrek:
No!

Donkey:
Or figgified your pudding?

Shrek:
Donkey! Will you get it through your thick head: no one here gives a hoot about Christmas!

Donkey:
Yeah? Well, that's a real nice way to treat your guests on Christmas. And if you think I am going to give you a present now, you are sadly mistaken.

Shrek:
You want to give me a present? Then go away! That's all I wanted!

Donkey:
Fine! I'm going!

Shrek:
Good! Then go!

Donkey:
You go and have yourself a merry Christmas, Ebeneezer Shrek!

Shrek:
And a Bah Humbug to you, too!

Gingerbread Man:
I don't feel so good. [throws up] I feel better now.

Donkey:
Ooh, a chocolate chip! [eats Gingy's throw-up]

Princess Fiona:
I have to go back to the house now.

Shrek:
I'm surprised we still have a house to go back to.

[after Gingy tells of how Santa ate his girlfriend]

Donkey:
That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Now, you know that's not how it happened.

Gingerbread Man:
You weren't there!

Princess Fiona:
[about Shrek's decorations] It's beautiful.

Shrek:
It's passable.

Donkey:
It's horrible! Usually they just throw toilet paper and run away, but whoever did this means business!

Pig #1:
So, we are pigs, pigs in ze blanket. Ja?

Pig #2:
Ja!

Pig #3:
Ja!

Pig #1:
So, this is funny then, ja?

Pig #2:
Ja, ja!

Pig #3:
This is funny.

Pig #2:
Ja!

Pig #3:
Ja!

Pig #1:
Yep, that's a good one.

Shrek:
T'was the night before Christmas, not a swamprat did creep / As mom and the kids played kazoo in their sleep / The house was a sight that would make an ogre droop / For it was sickeningly sweet as unicorn poop / And who should arrive to help this lost cause? / The vile, the foul... and handsome Ogre Claus!

Shrek:
[as Ogre Claus] Hey. How's it going?

Shrek:
He looked around scratching his beard / and said... and said...

Shrek:
[as Ogre Claus] This is worse than I thought... feared!

Shrek:
So he adjusted his gut and scrunched up his face / And let out a... [Loud belch]... That transformed the place / Seeing that his work was all done / He turned to the kids, and he gave one by one / A bottle of festering swamp juice / And to mom a kiss and a big Christmas goose. [Motions to goose Fiona, but then pulls out a goose]

Shrek:
[as Ogre Claus] 325 degrees, 20 minutes per pound.

Shrek:
And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight / Smelly Christmas to all / And to all a gross night!

Pig #1:
How many babies does Fiona have?

Pig #2:
Fiona has babies?