The Calcium Kid

Jimmy:
I've drunk three pints of milk a day for as long as I can remember, and the benefits have been unbelievable. 'Cause of all the calcium, I've never had a filling or been knocked out. My bones are as hard as rock.

Jimmy:
But what if I don't knock him out? I mean, he is the undefeated World Champion.

Jimmy:
[holding a shirt with 'The Kalcium Kid' on it] But "calcium" is spelled with a 'C,' not a 'K', Mr. Bush.

Herbie Bush:
It's very important to be original in this game, Jimmy. You've always got to keep your opponent guessing. Calcium C, kalcium K. C? K? He's flummoxed.

Stan Parlour:
Your timing's rotten, mate. I've got me bird over. I'm getting me nuts wet.

Pete Wright:
[starting to go off his nut] I was f***ing robbed!

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
Oh, sh*t!

Pete Wright:
Stick this in your poxy documentary!

[pushes over table]

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
Sh*t, Dave, get the f***ing gear!

Pete Wright:
And if you ever come back, I'll serve the f***ing pair o' ya !

Pete Wright:
[to Herbie] You couldn't organize a bunk-up in a f***ing brothel, Bush!

Herbie Bush:
Leonard! Tell him what you're gonna do to him if he doesnt fight Mendez.

Leonard:
Something painful, gov.

Jimmy:
If you're trying to scare me, you'd be better off by saying BOO!

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
Is there... is there a problem, Mr Cohen?

Artie Cohen:
A problem? Well, my definition of a problem is a trivial annoyance easily overcome with quickness of thought. No, this is a situation.

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
And... and and what exactly is-is your-your definition of a-a situation?

Artie Cohen:
Two limey f*** filmmakers hanging from their skinny pricks over an eighth floor balcony, for shooting unauthorized footage of an Artie Cohen fighter. THIS! THIS IS MY DEFINITION OF A SITUATION!

[Jimmy is venting at his trainer]

Jimmy:
[talking like Paddy] "Ah, bejesus! There's a leprechaun in the ring! Punch him, Johnny, punch him!"

[screaming at Paddy]

Jimmy:
I'll bleedin' knock you out, you mad old Irish bastard!

Jimmy:
[alone under the bedcover] Say my name. Mm. Yeah, baby, yeah. Yeah...

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
[clears throat] Jimmy?

[Jimmy looks up from underneath the cover]

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
Morning. Um, we're the documentary team. We'll be filming you 24 hours a day in the run-up to the fight.

Jimmy:
Of course, the fight. Who would have thought it? Jimmy Connelly fighting Jose Mendez for the championship belt.

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
So, tell us, how does Jimmy Connelly start his day?

Jimmy:
Umm... Well, as you probably noticed... I normally start off in the morning with a set of fifty sit-ups... yeah.

Stan Parlour:
Don't you worry about a thing, pal. With me in control of your psychological preparation, Mendez will get his in the ring - and if he doesn't, then we'll catch up to him afterwards and give it to him South London style. Know what I mean?

Herbie Bush:
An'... you know what... what [bleep] these Yanks can be. And maybe you can put a bleep over 'pricks' bit.

Jimmy:
My dad gave me some good advice once: "Speak if you have something to say." I always thought that was pretty clever. I don't think he ever thought I'd be talking to the press though, eh?

Pressman:
Uh, Jimmy, do you really think that you stand a chance against Jose Mendez?

[Jimmy is stuck for an answer]

Pressman:
[to photograher] Get a shot of him.

Jimmy:
Well, my dad once said, "There's normally a winner in a two-horse race". Obviously neither me or Jose are horses, but I think the moral of the story is anything can happen. I believe that.

Jimmy:
[reads out loud from a newspaper] "Fascist fighter shames nation"? "Jimmy 'the Calcium Kid' Connelly will be fighting Jose Mendez for the middle-weight championship of the world on Saturday, but he will be doing so without the support of this newspaper. Connelly showed up at pre-fight press conference dressed in full Union Jack attire and lambasted Jose Mendez in the name of Queen and country."... What does lambasted mean?

Jimmy:
I'm a bit confused about everything that's going on at the moment.

Clive Connelly:
Does it... does it feel like everyone's trying to pull your trousers down, son?

Jimmy:
Yeah. Yeah, that's it exactly.

Clive Connelly:
My advice to you is... start wearing a belt.

Stan Parlour:
Rumble, Kid, rumble!

[Closing title card:
"Nothing's out of reach if you've got long arms. " - Clive Connelly]

Paddy O'Flannagan:
Now Johnny, I want you to close your eyes, take a few deep breaths and visualize yourself sitting in a beautiful field beside a quaint little stream. A lovely breeze blows over your face, and you feel safe and calm. Safe and calm. Safe and calm.

Jimmy:
AAAH! A giant angry Jose shot out of the stream, dragged me out by the ears and dragged me under.

Stan Parlour:
Oi, Jimbo. Silly Bollocks is here to see ya.

Sebastian Gore-Brown:
How long have you been involved in the sport of pugilism, Mr. Bush?

Herbie Bush:
I'm sorry. There must be some kind of mistake. I'm in the boxing game.

Herbie Bush:
Cancel the fight? Has your cheese slid off its cracker? I can't cancel the fight!

Jimmy:
My old man once said, "Without family, man is alone." He's deep, my dad.

Stan Parlour:
Don't be a mug, act like a thug. Throw a big right and it'll be "good night."

Young Rascal:
What are you gonna do with your head when Jose Mendez knocks it off your shoulders?

Artie Cohen:
The only relationships I have, Mr. Bush, are with my fighters and my wife; so, unless you can throw eleven jabs in three seconds or enjoy eating strawberries from between my toes, you stand little chance of qualifying as either.

Angel:
Hello. We haven't properly met. I'm Angel.

Jimmy:
Yeah. Yeah, you are.

Angel:
Can I have my knockers back, please?

Herbie Bush:
Didn't do yourself justice last night, did you, Jimmy? Laid it on a bit thick, didn't you, son? What I gave you was an outline, an idea, a concept for you to take and finesse and make your very own. Let's say I am the map and you are the driver. Whether you turn left or right or do a uey is entirely up to you.

Jimmy:
But before the press conference, you told me to follow your directions EXACTLY so we could "weave a little Bush magic."