The Secret of My Succe$s

[after sex]

Brantley Foster:
Can I make a personal observation?

Vera Prescott:
Um, anything but the thighs.

Brantley Foster:
You know, somebody sold you a bill of goods and convinced you you had to be 21 forever. That's bullshit. I think you're terrific; I think the only thing wrong with you is your husband is a jerk. You're beautiful, you're intelligent, you're sensuous...

Vera Prescott:
Say that again!

Brantley Foster:
Which part?

Vera Prescott:
All of it!

[sounds of car]

Vera Prescott:
Oh, no.

Brantley Foster:
What, what is it?

Vera Prescott:
It's the jerk.

[Brantley rushes to the window]

Vera Prescott:
My husband.

Brantley Foster:
My uncle!

Vera Prescott:
Your what?

Brantley Foster:
Oh God, that makes you...

Vera Prescott:
Auntie Vera?

Brantley Foster:
Oh! God!

[Vera laughs]

Brantley Foster:
Oh God, oh God, oh God! What's my mother going to say? I've disgraced my whole family!

Vera Prescott:
Oh, the hell you did!

Grace Foster:
Take this. It's Uncle Howard's phone number in New York.

Brantley Foster:
I've got an uncle in New York?

Grace Foster:
My cousin Ellen married his half-sister's nephew, before she got bit by that dog and died.

[on entering his newly rented apartment]

Brantley Foster:
All right, listen up. If there are any bugs in here, or rats, or anything that has more legs than I do, you just stay on your side of the room, okay? I'll stay on mine. I should warn you, I'm packing an iron.

[after reviewing Brantley's (faked) r?sum?]

Mrs. Meacham:
Outstanding! Outstanding!

Brantley Foster:
You're not going to tell me I have too much experience, are you?

Mrs. Meacham:
Certainly not - you're perfect for the job.

Brantley Foster:
Great!

Mrs. Meacham:
Except...

Brantley Foster:
No! No exceptions! I want this job, I need it, I can do it. Everywhere I've been today there's always been something wrong, too young, too old, too short, too tall. Whatever the exception is, I can fix it. I can be older, I can be taller, I can be anything.

Mrs. Meacham:
Can you be a minority woman?

[Brantley said "good morning" to an executive]

Fred Melrose:
Not the suits, man! You never consort with the suits unless they consort with you first.

Brantley Foster:
Wait a minute, that's ridiculous! He's a person, I'm a person. I can't say hello to him?

Fred Melrose:
He's not a person, he's a suit! You're mailroom. No consorting.

Vera Prescott:
[into phone] This is the third weekend in a row he's found an excuse not to come to the country... No, I don't know, but knowing him it's probably some teenage airhead from the steno pool. Hmph. The last one I caught him with was so dumb, she thought "dictation" was some kind of S&M trip.

Howard Prescott:
What you are doing in here?

Vera Prescott:
[half naked] Feeling romantic...

Howard Prescott:
Oh. What's for dinner?

Vera Prescott:
Ohh, Howard! You really know how to sweep a girl back onto her feet.

[at Brantley's apartment]

Brantley Foster:
Oh, God. What are you doing here?

Vera Prescott:
Brantley, darling, I heard you calling me telepathically - I'm VERY psychic - so of COURSE I rushed right over.

Brantley Foster:
I would've used the phone...

Vera Prescott:
Mental telepathy's much more reliable.

Brantley Foster:
We have a problem.

Vera Prescott:
What?

Brantley Foster:
It's your husband: he's my boss.

Vera Prescott:
O-oh, him. We won't tell him. Besides, Howard's working late tonight - on whom, I have no idea.

Christy Wills:
You want me to spy on him?

Howard Prescott:
No, I don't want you to spy on him. I want you to get to be friends with him, and then rifle through his papers and tell me what you find.

Christy Wills:
Just tell me one more time what your solution is to this crisis.

Brantley Foster:
We don't cut, we expand.

[the waitress, Sheila, arrives]

Sheila:
I agree. Expansion is a positive reaction to the universe, while retraction, or cutting back, or pulling off, those are all negative forces. I used to be very negative, and then I took this personality workshop - my whole life turned around. Hiya, my name's Sheila. You make a good-looking couple - how long you been going together?

Brantley Foster:
About 20 minutes.

Sheila:
Ohhhhh, first date, huh? Good luck.

Christy Wills:
No, we're business colleagues.

Sheila:
Colleagues, who needs that? You should go together. You look good together. - Oh, oh, d'you want to order?

Brantley Foster:
Yeah, we need to see some menus, Sheila.

Sheila:
Menus! I'm sorry. - I'm studying to be an actress. I'm a much better actress than I am a waitress. Concentration, that's my big problem. I'll be right back.

Brantley Foster:
Well, Sheila's in favor of expansion.

Christy Wills:
We should bring her to our next executive meeting. I think Art Thomas would like her a lot.

Brantley Foster:
Sheila is also in favor of us seeing each other.

Christy Wills:
Yes, well, Sheila is clearly a nut.

Sheila:
[from across the room] I heard that! You should try to be more positive with your life, or you're gonna wind up miserable.

Christy Wills:
[hiding behind her hand] She heard me!

Brantley Foster:
What's up? You seem kind of upset.

Christy Wills:
I hate men.

Brantley Foster:
Well! Glad I'm not one of 'em.

[Vera tries to seduce Brantley at the office]

Brantley Foster:
Aunt Vera, listen, since the last time we met there's been a change.

Vera Prescott:
Yes... nice suit, Brantley!

[she starts undressing him; he tries to escape]

Brantley Foster:
Agh! Ow! Look, what I mean to say is... Oh, Christ! I'm not free any more!

Vera Prescott:
What, you're going to charge me? Oh ho, you're getting awfully cynical - does your mother know about this?

Brantley Foster:
Ohh, no, I am not available.

Vera Prescott:
Oh, good, you're not going to charge me.

Brantley Foster:
Look, I like you, I really like you, but I gotta tell you, I have become seriously and emotionally involved with someone who isn't my aunt.

Vera Prescott:
I forgive you, Brantley.

[continues trying to seduce him]

Vera Prescott:
I'm going to introduce you to the most powerful money men in New York, and if you can do to them what you've done to me...

Brantley Foster:
I can't do that!

Vera Prescott:
I mean bowl them over, darling! You're irresistible when you turn on that boyish charm.

Howard Prescott:
Let me get this straight - Brantley is Whitfield?

Brantley Foster:
That's right. Brantley is Whitfield; Whitfield is Brantley.

Vera Prescott:
And Christy is the bimbo! Well, now that we've all had Mouseketeer roll call, I'm just going to go call my lawyer.

Howard Prescott:
[lying] No, wait a minute. Christy is not the bimbo I was screwing around with at the office.

Christy Wills:
People better stop calling me bimbo!

Howard Prescott:
It was an entirely different bimbo altogether.

Vera Prescott:
That's fine; how many bimbos would you say there were?

Howard Prescott:
I misspoke myself. There weren't any bimbos at all.

Brantley Foster:
Except Christy.

Howard Prescott:
Right. No!

Brantley Foster:
Whoa, whoa, listen, I'm going to need your help, both of you.

Fred Melrose:
Is it something I could get fired for?

Brantley Foster:
Absolutely.

Fred Melrose:
I like it!

Vera Prescott:
Why haven't I met you before?

Fred Melrose:
Maybe you ain't been hangin' out in the mailroom.

Vera Prescott:
Oooh, the "male room." I like that sound!

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Okay, so you don't eat lunch. Do you eat dinner?

Christy Wills:
Occasionally.

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Tonight?

Christy Wills:
Booked.

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Tomorrow night?

Christy Wills:
Booked.

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
All right, but don't beg, okay? It's embarrassing.

Jean:
I was having fun on this job! You had all this energy, and all these crazy ideas... and you kept taking your pants off.

Barney Rattigan:
Any questions?

Brantley Foster aka Carlton Whitfield:
Yeah, what do I call you?

Barney Rattigan:
You call me God.

Vera Prescott:
That was a very expensive vase, you b*tch!

[Brantley is carrying a briefcase into the mailroom]

Fred Melrose:
What's in there?

Brantley Foster:
My lunch.

Fred Melrose:
Your lunch? In a briefcase?

Brantley Foster:
Yeah. I ran out of brown bags.

Brantley Foster:
At least I didn't sleep with the boss.

Christy Wills:
No, you slept with the boss's wife!

Howard Prescott:
Why are you wearing a suit?

Brantley Foster:
Because of the funeral.

Howard Prescott:
Whose funeral?

Brantley Foster:
A friend. He died. We buried him.

Brantley Foster:
How do I get to Litchfield?

Barney Rattigan:
You'll find it. Just follow the smell of money.

Brantley Foster:
Please God, help me get out of this. I swear I'll go all over the world telling people not to screw the boss's wife.

Unnamed employer:
I'm sorry, Mister...

Brantley Foster:
Foster.

Unnamed employer:
I'm sorry, Mr. Foster. We need someone with experience.

Brantley Foster:
But how can I get any experience until I get a job that GIVES me experience?

Unnamed employer:
If we gave you a job just to give you experience, you'd take that experience and get a better job. Then that experience would benefit someone else.

Brantley Foster:
Yeah, but I was trained in college to handle a job like this, so in a sense I already have experience.

Unnamed employer:
What you've got is college experience, not the practical, hard-nosed business experience we're looking for. If you'd joined our training program out of high-school, you'd be qualified for this job now.

Brantley Foster:
Then why did I go to college?

Unnamed employer:
[laughs] Had fun, didn't you?

Brantley Foster:
[reading mail while sorting] Some of this stuff doesn't make any sense. They send requisitions through two departments to get procurements for a third. What kind of thinking is that?

Fred Melrose:
That's suit thinking. Something happens to a man when he puts on a necktie. Cuts off all the oxygen to his brain.

Brantley Foster:
Just when I thought it was safe to go back in the water.

Christy Wills:
I am not a bimbo!

Vera Prescott:
[to Brantley] I could spend a week inside those sweet unwrinkled eyes...

Brantley Foster:
[In one scene, he quickly has to change from his mail-room uniform to suit and tie in the elevator, then back again. To buy time, he hits the emergency stop button on the elevator between floors. However, the elevator becomes unstuck in the middle of him changing back while he is only in his boxers and tie, so when the elevator door opens up on Jean, he poses like a bodybuilder, then sees it's her] Hi, Jean. [Tosses her his dress pants] Could you take those to the cleaners? [She looks shocked as the elevator doors close]

Christy Wills:
[Groans in frustration] Why do you keep saying the exact opposite of what I say?

Brantley Foster:
Because you keep saying such stupid things.