Kids in the Hall: Brain Candy

Alice:
This urine is great!

Cabbie:
When I was a little boy, my mother used to sing me a song. It went like this: "Life is short, life is sh*t, and soon it will be over."

Raymond Hurdicure:
Sorry we're a few hours late, there, Ma, but you know how the kids... uh... hate old people.

Raymond Hurdicure:
So I hear dad's dead. Hey, is that egg nog?

Wally:
Doctor, why do those, you know, types think that I'm one of them?

Doctor:
Because you *are* one of them! You are gay! You are a homosexual! I know it, your family knows it, *dogs* know it! The only one who doesn't know it is you!

Don:
Uh, right, and what's positive about that?

Don:
Couldn't it also give worms to ex-boyfriends?

Don:
Well, great. Thanks for stopping by.

Daughter:
He's upstairs masturbating to gay porn.

Cisco:
Okay, I was driving around last night in my sixty-two thousand dollar car. And I was trying to think of a name for the drug, then it hit me.

Don Roritor:
The name?

Cisco:
No a bird, it hit my windshield. When that happened, I got depressed.

Natalie:
Not you, Cisco!

Cisco:
Yeah, even me. But as soon as I got depressed, I got underpressed. 'Cause as I was cleaning the gleaming guts of that bird off my car, I thought of a name for the drug: Gleemonex. The slogan: Gleemonex makes it feel like it seventy-two degrees in your head... all... the... time!

Drill sergeant:
You... are... scum! Do you hear me soldier?

Wally:
Yes Sir!

Drill sergeant:
Do you know what we are going to be doing today?

Wally:
No Sir!

Drill sergeant:
We are going to be doing push-ups all day, you and me, all day!

Drill sergeant:
Do you think that's funny soldier?

Wally:
No sir!

Drill sergeant:
Well, just for that, you are going to be doing those push-ups lying on your back! You are going to discover muscles, you never knew you had! Big... muscles,hard... muscles!

Wally:
Ohhh yyyeeesss sir!

Cabbie:
Ya know, the pills are made of monkey cum.

Simon:
Hey, look! I'm an elephant rider! Huh? Ya like that?

Nina Bedford:
When we come back we're going to give Dr. Cooper a complete makeover.

Placebo Patient:
No. It's been two weeks and I don't feel any different. All I've done is gain eight pounds. Now, what's in this?

Placebo Patient:
It's sugar isn't it? I"M IN THE PLACEBO GROUP.

Cabbie:
So there, you got your happy ending. Now get out! Nowhere on your ticket does it say you can spend the night here!