Anyone for Pennis?

Dennis Pennis:
My job is really quite simple. I am a social astronomer. But I don't use a telescope, oh no, these are my lenses.

[points to his glasses]

Dennis Pennis:
And when I see a star I don't just look at it, I move in, and piss it off.

Dennis Pennis:
You're not in LA now, but you spend a lot of time in LA.

Elizabeth Hurley:
I have, yeah, I've just spent 5 weeks there.

Dennis Pennis:
I always think of LA as sort of muesli, you know what I mean? Take away the nuts and the fruit and it's all flakes.

Dennis Pennis:
I have to tell you, Hugh, I must be honest with you, I find your acting a little bit woody. A little bit woody.

Hugh Grant:
[nodding] Woody, right, yes.

Dennis Pennis:
When you made your appearance in the film Sirens, I thought someone threw a chair into the room.

Hugh Grant:
Uh-huh.

Dennis Pennis:
How do you get yourself psyched up, I mean, do you go into the forest and sort of stare at a few trees?

Hugh Grant:
[laughing] Oh, you can f -...

[swearword is bleeped out]

Hugh Grant:
off!

[he leaves Dennis to go to another part of the room]

Dennis Pennis:
Michael, I understand you have nine toilets. Is that right, you have nine toilets?

Michael Winner:
I have nine toilets, but I didn't bring any of them with me.

Dennis Pennis:
So you obviously make a lot more crap than people give you credit for.

Michael Winner:
No question of it.

Dennis Pennis:
If heavy smoker Mariella Frostrup was a dog, she'd definetely be a Husky, because not only has she got the voice for it, they also come in packs of 20.

Dennis Pennis:
[to Ian Botham] Ian, after a heavy night of curry abuse, can you still get the runs?

Dennis Pennis:
Have you ever farted in a wicket-keeper's face?

Ian Botham:
Not that I can remember, you'd better ask the wicket-keeper.

Dennis Pennis:
[to then-Home Secretary Michael Howard] You're a great believer in making young offenders do more time, I just wondered if perhaps any other herbal remedies, perhaps...

[Howard doesn't answer him and walks on. Dennis follows him with his microphone]

Dennis Pennis:
Perhaps basil or parsley?

[Howard gets into a Jaguar]

Dennis Pennis:
And also, if we reintroduce capital punishment in this country, will that just affect London? What do think? And finally, the government recently withdrew the party whips, is that a good deterrent because...

[the Jaguar drives off, Dennis turns to the camera]

Dennis Pennis:
...they've all got spare ones at home, anyway.

Dennis Pennis:
Could I have a couple of questions with you?

Michael Heseltine:
[carries on walking] I doubt it.

Dennis Pennis:
Well, I just want to ask you...

Michael Heseltine:
I know you want to ask me, but you're not going to.

Dennis Pennis:
Do you find it ironic, the amount of Tory MPs having amount having affairs? You're getting more women into labour than Tony Blair could ever dream possible. [Heseltine ignores him and gets into a Jaguar] Is it also not true that the only harmony in the party is what you spray on your hair every morning?

Dennis Pennis:
Why did the model stare at the orange juice?

Helena Christensen:
I don't understand what you're saying. I'm a model, I'm stupid.

Dennis Pennis:
Why was she staring at the orange juice?

Helena Christensen:
Because we like C vitamins?

Dennis Pennis:
No. Because it said "concentrate" on the carton. See ya!

Helena Christensen:
[confused] Concentrate on the... what?

Dennis Pennis:
Carton!

Helena Christensen:
I didn't get it, but I guess I wasn't supposed to.

Dennis Pennis:
You certainly weren't!

Dennis Pennis:
[to Naomi Campbell] Can you confirm or deny reports that you said something mildly interesting in an interview once?