Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Bill:
Ted, while I agree that, in time, our band will be most triumphant, the truth is, Wyld Stallyns will never be a super-band until we get Eddie Van Halen on guitar.

Ted:
Yes, Bill, but... I do not believe we will get Eddie Van Halen before we have a triumphant video.

Bill:
Ted, it's pointless to have a triumphant video before we have decent instruments.

Ted:
Well, how can we have decent instruments if we don't really even know how to play?

Bill:
That is why we need Eddie Van Halen!

Ted:
And that is why we need a triumphant video!

Both:
[think for a second] EXCELLENT! (guitar riff)

[In the classroom.]

Mr. Ryan:
Who was Joan of Arc?

Ted:
Noah's wife?

Ted:
Your stepmom's cute.

Bill:
Shut up, Ted.

Ted:
Remember when she was a senior and we were freshmen?

Bill:
Shut UP, Ted!

Captain Logan:
I spoke to your principal today, Ted. He said you're failing history.

Ted:
Me and Bill-

Captain Logan:
He also said that if you fail history, you flunk out of school. You know what that would mean, don't you, Ted?

Ted:
That I would have to go to Oates Military Academy. Sir.

Captain Logan:
I spoke to Colonel Oates this morning. He's anxious to meet you, Ted...

[back outside]

Ted:
Dude, we gotta pass; otherwise, there's no more band.

Bill:
Why?

Ted:
My dad's sending me to military school.

Bill:
Where?

Ted:
Alaska....

Bill:
OK, Ted: George Washington. One: The father of our country.

Ted:
Two: Born on Presidents' Day!

Bill:
Three: The dollar bill guy.

Ted:
You ever made a mushroom out of his head?

Bill:
Ted... Alaska.

Ted:
Okay... Um.... Had wooden teeth, chased Moby Dick.

Bill:
That's Captain Ahab, dude!

Ted:
...Oh, wait! Remember Disney World? Hall of Presidents?

Bill:
Yeah, good, what did he say?

Ted:
...Welcome to the Hall of Presidents!

Ted:
Now your dad's going for it. In your own room! [giggles]

Bill:
Shut up, Ted.

Ted:
Your stepmom is cute, though.

Bill:
Shut up, Ted!

Ted:
Remember when I asked her to the prom?

Bill:
SHUT UP, TED!

Ted:
[huge grin]

Outside the Circle K

Ted:
OK, the lady in that car over there said that Marco Polo was in the year 1275.

Bill:
It's not just a water sport, I knew it.

A woman enters convenience store

Ted:
Excuse me? When did the Mongols rule China?

Woman:
I don't know, I just work here.

Rufus:
Greetings, my excellent friends.

Ted:
...Do you know when the Mongols ruled China?

Rufus:
Well.... Perhaps we can ask them.

Bill:
[reading from their history textbook] "The only true wisdom consists in knowing that you know nothing."

Ted:
[after a pause] That's us, dude!

Bill:
Oh, yeah!

Bill:
How's it going, royal ugly dudes? I am the Earl of Preston!

Ted:
And I am the Duke of Ted!

Henry VII:
Put them in the iron maiden.

Ted:
Iron Maiden?

Bill and Ted:
Excellent! [air guitar]

Henry VII:
Execute them!

Bill and Ted:
Bogus!

Ted:
Okay, if you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?

Future Bill and Future Ted:
SIXTY-NINE, DUDE!!!

Ted:
Miss Preston, we'd like you to meet some of our...friends.

Bill:
This is.. Dave Beeth-Oven... Maxine of Arc... Herman the Kid...

Ted:
Bob Genghis Khan... So-crates Johnson... Dennis Freud. And uh... Abraham Lincoln...

Billy the Kid:
Way to go, egghead.

Socrates:
Geek!

Sigmund Freud:
What is a geek?

Ted:
Our first guest speaker comes from the year 400 BC, a time when most of the world looked like the cover of the Led Zeppelin album, Houses of the Holy.

Bill:
We were there. There were many steps and columns. It was most tranquil.

Ted:
He is sometimes known as the father of modern thought. He was the teacher of Plato, who was in turn the teacher of Aristotle, and like Ozzy Osbourne, was repeatedly accused of corruption of the young.

Freud:
And so, Ted's father's own fear of failure has caused him to make his son the embodiment of all his deepest anxieties about himself. And hence, his aggression transference onto Ted.

Ted:
[sits up] Whoa....

Freud:
Okay, Ted?

Ted:
Yes... Thank you very much, Sigmund Freud...

Freud:
Bill? [motions toward the couch]

Bill:
Nah. Just got a minor oedipal complex.

Bill:
It is indeed a pleasure to introduce to you a gentleman we picked up in medieval Mongolia in the year 1269.

Ted:
Please welcome the very excellent barbarian...

Bill and Ted:
MR. GENGHIS KHAN!

[The students applaud wildly for Khan.]

Ted:
This is a dude who, 700 years ago, totally ravaged China, and who, we were told, two hours ago totally ravaged Oshman's Sporting Goods.

Abraham Lincoln:
Fourscore and... 7 minutes ago, we, your forefathers, were brought forth upon a most excellent adventure, conceived by our new friends: Bill and Ted. These two great gentlemen are dedicated to a proposition, which was true in my time, just as it's true today. Be excellent to each other... and... PARTY ON, DUDES!

Bill:
You know how to play, Rufus?

Rufus:
I play a little.

Rufus does a solo of complex guitar riffs

Bill:
Most outstanding, Rufus! Let's jam!

[the boys and princesses prepare to jam]

Ted:
Bill, my friend?

Bill:
Yes Ted, my friend?

Ted:
This has been a most excellent adventure.

Both:
1! 2! 1-2-3-4!

[The band start playing, very badly]

Rufus(to the camera):
They do get better.