Is It College Yet?

Daria Morgendorffer:
What are you saying? That I got into Raft because they *didn't* meet me? Screw you!

Lindy:
Quinn, the night is so young. I think I'm gonna hit a couple of clubs after all. See you tomorrow.

Angela Li:
Thank you Jodie Landon, valedictorian of the graduating class of Lawndale High. And remember parents, your child doesn't need to be a current student for us to accept your generous donations.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Um, thank you. I'm not much for public speaking. Or much for speaking. Or, come to think of it, much for the public. And I'm not very good at lying. So let me just say that, in my experience, high school sucks. If I had to do it all over again, I'd have started advanced placement classes in preschool so I could go from eighth grade straight to college. However, given the unalterable fact that high school sucks, I'd like to add that if you're lucky enough to have a good friend and a family that cares it doesn't have to suck quite as much. Otherwise my advice is; Stand firm for what you believe in, until and unless experience proves you wrong. Remember, when the emperor looks naked, the emperor *is* naked. The truth and a lie are not sort of the same thing. And there is no aspect, no facet, no moment of life that can't be improved with pizza. Thank you.

Jane Lane:
What about you? Still thinking about

Jane Lane:
Bromwell?

Daria Morgendorffer:
They don't really talk like that... I hope. Anyway, I'm applying because it's an outstanding university, not because the students engage in the rectal transport of steel rods.

Jane Lane:
The Equestrian Club must be in constant pain.

Jane Lane:
You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer.

Daria Morgendorffer:
Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma.

Trent Lane:
I don't really think you're a sell-out.

Jane Lane:
Well, that's not exactly an apology, but you know what they say about beggars.

Trent Lane:
That they'll only spend it on booze?

Jane Lane:
Never mind.

Andrew Landon:
You call that a tax cut? I've seen haircuts more drastic.

Jane Lane:
Behold, Daria. The group dynamic you crave so much.

Daria Morgendorffer:
I suppose pulling out a can of mace right now would be considered bad form.

Trent Lane:
Um, why do you want to go to art college? You're already an artist.

Jane Lane:
I know, but I want to be a starving artist so I need to ring up more debt.

Upchuck:
Andrea, my dark-eyed mistress of sweet, sweet pain. Are you, like me, finding this party a bit too festive? Let us depart for a darker place where we can explore the melancholia that always accompanies true, unbridled passion.

Andrea:
You're hitting on me?

Upchuck:
Um-

Andrea:
Okay.

Upchuck:
[squeaks] Really? [normal voice] I mean, say no more, my raven-haired ravisher. [offers Andrea his arm, which she takes as they walk away]

Michael:
Okay, I want to know whose cup this is. Quinn?

Quinn:
Umm, it's not mine.

Lindy:
We don't know whose it is.

Michael:
Then explain to me why this smudge here matches your lipstick.

Lindy:
That could be anybody's lipstick!

Michael:
Not really.

Lindy:
For instance, Quinn asked me if she could try my lipstick... not that I'm saying it's hers, of course...

Quinn:
[profoundly disappointed] Oh, Lindy...

Michael:
[not buying it for a second] Come on, Lindy.

Lindy:
Please, Michael, I've never done anything like this before, I swear. I don't even like to drink. It's just I have this migraine...

Michael:
I'm gonna have to let you go.

Helen:
Daria! Hi! How was the last day of school? Do you want to lie down?

Daria:
I have an announcement to make.

Helen:
Oh, God, Daria! It'll be all right, I promise!

Daria:
I have broken up with my boyfriend. Yes, it hurts, but it was my idea, and despite the pain I feel, I remain convinced it is for the best. I am looking forward to summer, and, to my amazement, excited about college next year. Now I shall go to my room without taking questions. Ignore any muffled screams you may hear, especially if they're Quinn's. [goes upstairs]

Jake:
She and Tom broke up? Just like that? No clues, no warning signs? I'd better go talk to her! This could drive her back to military school! What should I say? Damn it, Helen! Where's our copy of Mr. Spock?

Helen:
Jake, your concern is very sweet, but I think she's going to be okay.

Jane:
[about Tom] He said he looked up to you?

Daria:
Isn't that weird? Flattering, but weird.

Jane:
Well, I kind of take what you say seriously. That's why, after your constant haranguing and brow-beating, I went ahead and sent my portfolio to BFAC... and got in.

Daria:
[smiles] Jane Lane! What did you say?

Jane:
You. Me. College. Same town. Be ready to have your ass dragged to more parties.

Daria:
I knew you could do it. I knew it! [Jane takes a bow] Why the hell didn't you tell me?

Jane:
I just found out today. Besides, you know what a drama queen I am. So, what do you say? Make a pledge right now to go up there and get separate boyfriends? [pause] Thanks for talking me into applying.

Daria:
Thanks for helping me get through high school.

Jane:
Me at BFAC, you at Raft. You think it's true that things happen for a reason?

[pause]

Daria and Jane:
Naah!

[last lines of the film]

Jane:
So, dazzling academic achievement, eh? What a sellout.

Daria:
I know. And then I had the perfect opportunity to beat Ms. Li senseless with my trophy, and what do I do? Give a heart-warming speech.

Jane:
You're getting soft around the edges, Morgendorffer.

Daria:
Maybe, or maybe you've got glaucoma.

Jane:
To college. I can't wait. What do you think we'll find when we get there?

Daria:
Hmm. That the students are shockingly ignorant, the professors self-centered and corrupt, and the entire system geared solely to the pursuit of funding?:

Jane:
Hmm, yes. You know that thing I said about you getting soft?

Daria:
Yeah?

Jane:
I take it back. [she and Daria both toast their cups]

[during the credits, various "alter ego" renderings depict possible future careers and scenarios for nearly all of the series' characters as the film itself ends]

Jane:
Both the colleges I applied to rejected me. I knew I shouldn't have taken the math portion of my SATs!

Quinn:
I love hospital room movies. And I hate seeing them with guys. They always get mad because nothing blows up.