Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical

Sally DeBains:
So, how tall are you, Jimmy?

Jimmy:
Uh, five feet, nine inches?

Sally DeBains:
Well, let's forget the five feet and concentrate on the nine inches.

Sally DeBains:
How tall are you, anyway?

Jimmy Harper:
Oh, 5'9"

Sally DeBains:
Let's forget the five feet and concentrate on the nine inches

Jack Stone:
Quit squawkin'. You got more static than the radio.

Mary Lane:
Bunnies? I don't know what you're talking about but I like the sound of it!

Mary Lane:
I think I've been shot!

Sally DeBains:
She fell down!

Mary Lane:
Has Jimmy been hanging out with college guys?

Ralph Wiley:
Yeah, I'm in a fraternity.

Mary Lane:
Oh!

Ralph Wiley:
Yeah, in fact, we took such a shine to Jimmy, we decided to pledge him early!

Mary Lane:
Ah!

Ralph Wiley:
While he's still in high school!

Mary Lane:
Ahh!

Ralph Wiley:
To avoid the rush!

Mary Lane:
Oh wow! Wait 'til that Suzie Mayberry hears about this!

Ralph Wiley:
Let's celebrate with

Ralph Wiley:
a SMOKE!

Mary Lane:
Wait! This isn't that "reefer" I've been hearing about, is it?

Ralph Wiley:
No, no. This is a special cigarette. It's all the rage with college girls...

Ralph Wiley:
... in Paris!

Mary Lane:
Jimmy, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? It's almost nine-thirty!

Sally DeBains:
Join the wonder dance. Lose the underpants!

Jimmy:
No!

Ralph Wiley:
Help! This crazy tomato is raping me!

Mae Coleman:
Though the fun sometimes escapes me when Jack gets stoned and rapes me!

Jimmy:
I've got a new god now!

Mary Lane:
Don't you run! I'm not done! Can't you tell we've just begun? What's your rush? You're not having any fun?

Ralph Wiley:
No, I'm really not!

Mae Coleman:
Aww Jack, this kid can't be more than 15.

Jimmy:
Oh 16, madam.

Mae Coleman:
The name's Mae. And a madam runs a different kind of house.

Sally DeBains:
What a night. I was in more laps than a napkin.

Sally DeBains:
Tonight you and me are gonna break out like the measles!

Lecturer:
Do your children enjoy jazz music? For I am here to tell you that Cab Calloway, Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington, and the whole weed-blowing ginger-colored lot are merely masquerading as musicians and are, in fact, agents of evil. Reefer slows down the smoker's sense of time, allowing him to squeeze in unnecessary grace notes, giving this voodoo music the power to hypnotize white women into indulging in acts of unspeakable degradation.

Mary Lane:
Is your finger swollen? Are you putting on weight?

Jimmy:
Maybe. Lately, I seem to be hungry all the time.

Mary Lane:
A moment on the lips, forever on the hips!

Mae Coleman:
You once had all the brains now they're just carpet stains!

Lecturer:
Creeping like a communist, it's knocking at our doors, turning all our children into hooligans whores!

Jack:
Do you like Brownies? Baked 'em myself!

Jimmy Harper:

Jimmy Harper:
I can't wait to read the ending!

Mary Lane:
I can't either! But I bet it turns out real swell! I bet Romeo marries his Juliet...

Jimmy Harper:
They have a baby

Mary Lane:
And make lots of friends!

Mary Lane:

Jimmy Harper:
I love it... my brownie! And my brownie loves me too! It's smooth, it's sweet, it's chocolaty... it forms a perfect square! And the bestest part of all is I don't have to share!

The Lecturer:
What is the human conidtion so powerful it can stave off all that is black and evil in these confusing times?

Principal Short:
Love?

The Lecturer:
Love? In a time when in which our children are subjected to a daily diet of depravity in their film and popular music? In a time in which the entire world is aligned against the American way of life? A time when our economy is in a state of total collapse and a reckless lunatic sits in the White House, I am relieved to hear our fatuous friend is so confident that love will carry the day.

The correct answer is of course...vigilance.