The Naughty Nineties

Dexter Broadhurst:
Strange as it may seem, they give ball players nowadays very peculiar names.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Funny names?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Nicknames. Nicknames.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Not - not as funny as my name - Sebastian Dinwiddie.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, yes, yes, yes!

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Funnier than that?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, absolutely. Yes. Now, on the St. Louis team we have Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I want to find out. I want you to tell me the names of the fellows on the St. Louis team.

Dexter Broadhurst:
I'm telling you. Who's on first, What's on second, I Don't Know's on third...

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You know the fellows' names?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, then, who's playin' first?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I mean the fellow's name on first base.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The fellow playin' first base for St. Louis.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The guy on first base.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, what are you askin' me for?

Dexter Broadhurst:
I'm not asking you - I'm telling you. Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm asking *you* who's on first!

Dexter Broadhurst:
That's the man's name!

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's whose name?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, go ahead and tell me!

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The guy on first.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The first baseman.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Have you got a first baseman on first?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Certainly.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then who's playing first?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Absolutely.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
When you pay off the first baseman every month, who gets the money?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Every dollar of it. And why not? The man's entitled to it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who is?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
So who gets it?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Why shouldn't he? Sometimes his wife comes down and collects it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Whose wife?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes. After all, the man earns it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who does?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Absolutely.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Well, all I'm trying to find out is what's the guy's name on first base.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, no, no, What is on second base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not asking you who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I'm trying to find out.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, don't change the players around.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not changing nobody.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now, take it easy.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What's the guy's name on first base?

Dexter Broadhurst:
What's the guy's name on second base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst:
He's on third. We're not talking about him.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
How did I get on third base?

Dexter Broadhurst:
You mentioned his name.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
If I mentioned the third baseman's name, who did I say is playing third?

Dexter Broadhurst:
No, who's playing first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Stay offa first, will ya?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, what do you want me to do?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now what's the guy's name on third base?

Dexter Broadhurst:
What's on second.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not asking ya who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst:
He's on third.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
There I go, back on third again.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I can't change their names.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Will you please stay on third base, Mr. Broadhurst.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Please. Now what is it you want to know?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What is the fellow's name on third base?

Dexter Broadhurst:
What is the fellow's name on second base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not askin' ya who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who's on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.

Sebastian Dinwiddle, Dexter Broadhurst:
Third base!

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You got a outfield?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, sure.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
St. Louis has got a good outfield?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, absolutely.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The left fielder's name?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Why.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know. I just thought I'd ask you.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I just thought I'd tell you.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then tell me who's playing left field.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is playing first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Stay out of the infield!

Dexter Broadhurst:
Don't mention their names out there.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I want to know what's the fellow's name on left field.

Dexter Broadhurst:
What is on second.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm not asking you who's on second.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Who is on first.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now take it easy, take it easy.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
And the left fielder's name?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Why.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Because.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, he's center field. Will you pick up your hat, please.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Center field.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Pick up your hat. And stop this - Now look, please.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Mr. Broadhurst.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Wait a minute. You got a pitcher on the team?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Wouldn't this be a fine team without a pitcher.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know. Tell me the pitcher's name.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Tomorrow.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You don't want to tell me today?

Dexter Broadhurst:
I'm telling you, man.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then go ahead.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Tomorrow.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What time?

Dexter Broadhurst:
What time what?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
What time tomorrow are you gonna tell me who's pitching?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now listen, Who is not pitching, Who is on...

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'll break your arm if you say who's on first.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Then why come up here and ask?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I want to know what's the pitcher's name.

Dexter Broadhurst:
What's on second.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't know.

Dexter Broadhurst, Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Third base!

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
You gotta catcher?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
The catcher's name?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Today.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Today. And Tomorrow's pitching.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now you've got it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's all, St. Louis got a couple of days on their team. That's all.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I can't help that. All right. What do you want me to do?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Gotta catcher?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm a good catcher, too, you know.

Dexter Broadhurst:
I know that.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I would like to play for the St. Louis team.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, I might arrange that.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I would like to catch. Now I'm being a good catcher, Tomorrow's pitching on the team, and I'm catching.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Tomorrow throws the ball and the guy up bunts the ball.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now when he bunts the ball - me being a good catcher - I want to throw the guy out at first base, so I pick up the ball and throw it to who?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now, that's the first thing you've said right.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I don't even know what I'm talking about!

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, that's all you have to do.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Is to throw it to first base.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now who's got it?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who has it?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Okay.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now you've got it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I pick up the ball and I throw it to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
No, you don't, you throw the ball to first base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then who gets it?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Okay.

Dexter Broadhurst:
All right.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I throw the ball to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
You don't. You throw it to Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Well, that's it. Say it that way.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I said.

Dexter Broadhurst:
You did not.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I said I'd throw the ball to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
You don't. You throw it to Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yes.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
So I throw the ball to first base and Naturally gets it.

Dexter Broadhurst:
No. You throw the ball to first base.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Then who gets it?

Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I'm saying.

Dexter Broadhurst:
You're not saying that.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Excuse me, folks.

Dexter Broadhurst:
It's all right. I'm sorry, folks.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I throw the ball to Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
You throw it to Who.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Naturally.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Naturally. Well, say it that way.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
That's what I'm saying.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Don't get excited. Now don't get excited.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I throw the ball to first base.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Then Who gets it.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
He better get it.

Dexter Broadhurst:
That's it. All right, now don't get excited. Take it easy.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Hmmph.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Hmmph.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Now I throw the ball to first base, whoever it is drops the ball, so the guy runs to second.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Uh-huh.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Who picks up the ball and throws it to What, What throws it to I Don't Know, I Don't Know throws it back to Tomorrow - a triple play.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Yeah. It could be.

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
Another guy gets up and it's a long fly ball to Because. Why? I don't know. He's on third, and I don't care.

Dexter Broadhurst:
What was that?

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I said, I don't care.

Dexter Broadhurst:
Oh, that's our shortstop!

Dexter Broadhurst:
Now it don't look nice chewing gum in that suit!

Sebastian Dinwiddle:
I'm chewin' it in my mouth.