The Prisoner of Second Avenue

Mel:
I haven't had a real piece of bread in thirty years. If I'd known I would have saved some rolls when I was a kid.

Edna:
Why you havin pain's in your chest?

Mel:
Because I don't have a job! Because I don't have a suit to wear. Because I'm having a God-damned nervous breakdown and they didn't even leave me with a decent pair of pajamas.

Mel:
Sons of b*tches! Dirty rotten bastards! You heard me. [gesture's middle finger]

Mel:
I've been here for three hours Harry... so far I got poison ivy, got chewed up by gnats, laid down in manuare, and your dog piddled all over my car... so I haven't really had a lot of time for rural ecstasy.

Mel:
Could we turn all of these off, it looks like a night game at Shea Stadium!

Mel:
Respect my ass!

Mel:
God... God... God... God...

Edna:
Mel?

Mel:
Huh?

Edna:
Can't you sleep?

Mel:
If I could sleep would I be laying here calling God at 2:00 in the morning?

Mel:
Oh am I gonna get that guy Jacoby! I know exactly what time he comes home.

Mel:
Drunk on what? They took the liquor!

Mel:
If you're a human being, then you reserve the right to complain, to protest. If you give up that right then you cease to exist.

Mel:
I don't know either where I am or who I am. I'm disappearing, Edna. I don't need an analyst, I need Lost & Found!

Mel:
The vice president in charge of my department used the same paper clip for six months. *Nobody* ever came to work late anymore. They were all afraid if you didn't show up, somebody'd sell your desk!

Harry Edison:
You're 113 years old between the two of you, and neither one of you makes any sense.

Edna:
I have no strength left. Nothing. I couldn't even open my pocketbook on the bus today. A little boy hadda help me.

Mel:
You have strength, Edna.

Edna:
I have ANGER! No strength.

Radio Announcer:
In sports today, the Nassau Coliseum opened its doors and its heart when it announced it will house a charity basketball game between the Harlem Globetrotters and a team made up of members of the Gay Liberation movement.

Radio Announcer:
The gay libbers in a prepared statement said they did not expect to win, since their team is young and have only been playing with each other since December.

Radio Announcer:
A member of the Albanian diplomatic corps was mugged and robbed today in Central Park, despite the fact that two mounted patrolmen were only a hundred yards away. The Albanian claimed he screamed loudly for two minutes, but unfortunately did not know the English word for "Help".

Edna:
Come on, Mel. I haven't seen you since breakfast yesterday, and I'm gonna' be fast asleep in 15 minutes. Talk to me. What did you do today?

Mel:
[with sarcasm in his tone] I took a *walk*!

Edna:
Good. Where?

Mel:
From the bedroom into the living room.

Edna:
That's all?

Mel:
Mm mm. Then I walked back into the bedroom... and once I went into the kitchen for a glass of water. I'd say that was my "high peak" of the day.

Edna:
We've been robbed.

Mel:
What do you mean, "robbed"?

Edna:
Robbed. Robbed! What does "rob" mean? They come in, they take things out. You had 'em, now they got 'em. They used to be yours, now they're theirs. We've been robbed!

Mel:
Uh, I don't understand... You mean someone walked in here and robbed us?

Edna:
What do you think, they called up and made an appointment? We've been ROBBED!

Edna:
If Mel could get out of New York and move to the country somewhere, he'd be one hundred percent better off.

Harry Edison:
I agree with you one thousand percent!

Harry Edison:
[slightly incredulous at Mel's and Edna's idea to invest in a summer camp] A hundred thousand dollars for a summer camp? Run by a man "that far away" from a nervous breakdown? It'll take him 'til August to figure out how to blow up the volleyball!

Edna:
I thought you wanted to do something, help him.

Harry Edison:
We *do* want to help him!

Edna:
Then help him!

Harry Edison:
Not when he's sick. When he's better, we'll help him.

Mel:
And as sure as you are sitting here in this room, there is a plot going on in this country today.

Edna:
Against whom?

Mel:
Against me!

Edna:
The whole country?

Mel:
Well, not against me personally. But they're after you, our kids, my family, every one of our friends. They're after the cops, hippies, the government, women's lib, the blacks, the fags, the whole military complex and even more.

Edna:
Who? You mentioned everybody, there's no one left.

Mel:
Oh, baby, there's someone left, all right.

Edna:
Mel, who's behind the plot? Is it the kids? The addicts? The Army? The Navy? The Book-of-the-month Club? Who?

Mel:
It is the human race. The deterioration of the spirit of Man. Man undermining himself, causing a self-willed, self-imposed, self-evident self-destruction! That's what it is. That's who it is.

Edna:
The human race, Mel?

Mel:
Yes.

Edna:
The human race is responsible for the unemployment?

Mel:
You're surprised, aren't you?

Edna:
I never would've guessed. All this time, I kept thinking it was somebody else.

Mel:
They can take your clothes, your Chivas Regal, your television, your job... but they can't take your brains. And that's my secret weapon: my brains!

Harry Edison:
I'm gonna' tell you something now, Mel. I've never told this to anybody. I don't think you got a brain for business. You can't handle problems. I think you're a child. A baby. A spoiled infant. But as God is my judge, many's a night I lay in bed envying you. Isnt' that something? What I've got, you'll never have, but what you've got, I'd like to have just once.