Unaccompanied Minors

Six kids, snowbound in an airport on Christmas Eve, without supervision. Someone please call security.

Silent night... Yeah, right.

Six unaccompanied minors will become one unbelievable family.

All flights cancelled. Christmas isn't!

Donna:
Mom! I'm eleven! I'll look like a loser getting my picture with Santa!

Mrs. Malone:
You'll look like someone who's grounded if you don't. Now, go sit on Santa's lap. Go!

[Donna reluctantly goes to sit on Santa's lap, who then places his hand on her shoulder]

Donna:
Hey! [hits the hand away] Hands off, fat boy! [punches Santa in the gut and walks away]

Katherine:
I don't wanna see Santa!

Spencer:
Y'know what, then let's just go, okay?

Katherine:
I don't wanna go!

Spencer:
Then get on Santa's lap.

Katherine:
[screaming] I DON'T WANNA!

Mall Santa:
Ho Ho Ho. Somebody's not being a very good girl. I might have to put coal in your stocking this year.

[Katherine falls down to the floor and cries]

[While waiting for news about their flight to Pennsylvania, Katherine makes a dejected face]

Spencer:
Oh no, did you bite your tongue again?

Katherine:
When I wrote to Santa, I forgot to tell him that we were gonna be at Dad's house, and it's all the way in Pennsylvania! How is he gonna find us now?

Spencer:
Oh, you mean that Santa guy that you're scared of? Him? I mean, he's not even gonna... [Katherine looks worried. Spencer sighs] He'll find you. The Tooth fairy gave him directions. She works with NORAD.

[Katherine sighs in relief]

Spencer:
[Upon seeing the chaotic UM room] Oh man, it's like "Lord of the Flies" in here.

Flight Attendant #1:
Help us!

Flight Attendant #2:
Zach, we're flight attendants, not riot police - You've got to find someone else to take over!

Zach:
You guys, there is no one else. The storm is huge! Just think of it like being in the air, okay? With a normal passenger load, and secure all exit, and, y'know, discourage anybody from going to the restroom.

[The flight attendants run out of the UM room]

[Valerie is with her sister Judie in her extravagantly decorated house]

Judie:
[digging through a bowl of candy] Hmm, I think bought defective M&M's. You know, some of these are W's. [Valerie looks depressed] Oh c'mon, Val, lighten up! It's Christmas. I know that you're worried about the kids; they're gonna be fine. It's Christmas eve, we're gonna do more decorating...

Valerie:
No, no, Judie. You don't have any more decorating to do.

Judie:
Yes, I have to finish. I have six more boxes of lights in the garage!

Valerie:
This is creepy...

Judie:
You're just poisonous, aren't you? Thanks for being such a great sister.

Katherine:
We should call Mom.

Spencer:
Yeah, well, she wouldn't drive two-thousand miles to pick us up. [dodges a candy wrapper]

Katherine:
Then let's call Dad.

Spencer:
Oh, yeah. He wouldn't drive four feet to get us!

Sam:
[answering the telephone] Sam Davenport, Clean Earth Society.

Valerie:
[over the phone] Hi, Sam. It's Val...

Sam:
Oh hey, Val! [checks his wristwatch] Yeah, I'm heading to the airport now to pick up the kids.

Valerie:
Well, you're not going to be able to pick up the kids!

Sam:
What?

Valerie:
Because they're not gonna be able to fly!

Sam:
Val! Val! Calm down

Valerie:
There is all this snow, and there's a blizzard-

Sam:
It's not even snowing out.

[Sam turns to face his window, and sees the blizzard]

Valerie:
Yes it is!

Sam:
[embarrassed] Oh.

Spencer:
I would like a table for one in the "no little sisters" section, please.

Restaurant Hostess:
Aren't you a little young to be flying by yourself?

Spencer:
Not at all.

Spencer:
Nachos! My mom never lets me eat those, you know, so an order of those. She's banned all sodas from the house, so extra-, extra-, extra-large root beer.

Restaurant Hostess:
My mom never let me eat mozzarella sticks.

Spencer:
Mine either. Two orders. On to dessert, huh?

Restaurant Hostess:
You don't have a tapeworm, do you?

Head Guard Hoffman:
[Seeing the mess in the Emergency Equipment Storage] Sweet Jehoshaphat!

Beef:
[points to his Aquaman action figure] He did it!

Restaurant Hostess:
[returns to find Spencer gone and the bill has been stolen] Oh, you've got to be kidding me. [sees his IOU note, which reads: "IOU $74.38. Please e-mail my dad at Davenport.sam@gmail.com for payment. P.S. The mozzarella sticks are for you."] He didn't even eat the mozzarella sticks.

Charlie:
So, we're going to the lodge?

Porter:
I think I have an answer to your question; Are you out of your juice-drinking little minds?!

Donna:
So where are we staying?

Porter:
What's wrong with right here?

Grace:
It smells like a horse died in it.

Donna:
Watch it, Dr. Evil.

Porter:
Oh no, did I offend you? Well, I don't know what else to call someone who commits grand theft auto, reckless driving and destruction of property all in the course of ten minutes.

Donna:
Someone cooler than you'll ever be.

Porter:
Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho! Whoo! That's fantastic! I didn't know we had Ellen DeGeneres in the house! [to Spencer] And what about a young man who orders the heart attack special and can't pay for it? [to Grace] Or a girl who exfoliates herself all over the airport lounge? [to Beef] Then, the abominable snowman who transforms the Emergency Equipment Center into his own private amusement park and then blames it on Aquaman? Aren't you a little too old to be playing with dolls? I mean, what are you, like, forty?

Zach:
Actually, Beef is twelve, sir.

Porter:
Good Lord. And Charlie Goldfinch, my most frequent underage flyer, and formerly model passenger. Karaoke, son? Was it worth it?

Charlie:
I had a song in my heart. [Mr. Porter gives him a look] Oh my gosh, I'm a juvie.

Beef:
My uncle says that Christmas is when Frosty the Snowman fights with the Devil.

[Everyone stares at him]

Donna:
It talks.

Flight Attendant:
Girls, the pilots are down in the restaurant and they want to buy us dinner.

Flight Attendant:
Captain Cohen's down there? Never too late for a fifth husband. Let's go girls!

Flight Attendant:
[turn around to leave but stop mid stride] The kids!

Mary Lynn:
Don't worry ma'am, I'm a certified babysitter. I get paid 50 cents an hour.

Flight Attendant:
Mary Lynn, there's a twenty in this for you.

Flight Attendant:
[all the flight attendants leave for the restaurant] Captain Cohen, here I come!

[Once the flight attendants are gone, Katherine tries to leave, but Mary Lynn stops her and blocks the living room]

Mary Lynn:
Oh, no you don't. You are not going anywhere, because I am going to give you a makeover. An extreme makeover! [snarls with a evil smile]

Beef:
[to Spencer] I'll go get your sister a Christmas tree. [runs off. The others stare after him]

Grace:
We are never gonna see him again, are we?

Porter:
Please tell me you're gonna stop at the hotel!

Spencer:
Yeah, we are, but you're not!

Grace:
[putting her glasses on] Once a dork, always a dork.

Spencer:
You are so not a dork.

Spencer:
[speaking on the walkie-talkie] Hey, guys. Thanks for all the help with my sister. You know, I'm sorry that all your Christmases have to be ruined... because of me. We probably won't see each other again after our flights leave, so I just... wanted to say that I had a really good time, and that I think we make a pretty awesome family. Maybe the thing is, it's just none of our families are meant to stay together... you know? Maybe that's it. Except for you, Grace.

Grace:
[hesitantly] Actually, that's not totally true.

Donna:
I thought your parents weren't divorced?

Grace:
Well, not from each other, but... they sort of divorced me.

Spencer:
[confused] What do you mean?

Grace:
They just don't seem to like it when I'm around... That's why they travel all the time. They're in Paris right now.

Spencer:
So, is that where you're going?

Grace:
No. I'm already home; I live twenty minutes from here. I flew in today from boarding school. I figured it'd be more fun hanging out at the airport, than sitting at home with my nanny. She wanted Christmas off anyway...

Donna:
...Now I'm really depressed.

[in the air vents]

Donna:
It's really small in here.

Charlie:
I know! It's great, isn't it?

Grace:
[annoyed] Charlie, just because you compensate for your abandonment issues by squeezing yourself into small, womb-like spaces doesn't mean everybody else does. [everyone stares at her] What? My mom's a psychologist.

Charlie Goldfinch:
[Running out of the UM room] This goes against everything I believe in, but I gotta pee!

Charlie Goldfinch:
Oh man, Harvard's never gonna accept me with a police record! And I am not going to community college!

Charlie Goldfinch:
[to Donna after she kisses him] Wow! Man, you're so hot!