We're the Millers

Scottie P.:
You know what I'm sayin?

David Clark:
Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.

Rose O'Reilly:
You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000?

Casey Mathis:
$30,000? I'm only getting $1,000!

Kenny Rossmore:
You guys are getting paid?

David Clark:
I'm here to pickup a smidge of pot.

David Clark:
[Talking on the phone] This is not a smidge of pot! You got me moving enough weed to kill Willie Nelson, man!

Melissa Fitzgerald:
You're drug dealers?

Kenny Rossmore:
No, we're drug smugglers.

David Clark:
You can buy a house and run away from it.

David Clark:
Who the f*** is Pablo Chacon?

Brad Gurdlinger:
I am. Yo soy Pablo Chacon. You don't get a lot of respect from the Mexicans when your name is Brad Gurdlinger, right?

David Clark:
[On the phone] We're at the Corrales Regional Medical Center in the middle of Buttf***, New Mexico.

Brad Gurdlinger:
Why?

David Clark:
Why? Why? Because this goddamn Kenny kid got his f***ing nuts bit by a giant-ass spider, that's why!

Brad Gurdlinger:
That is amazing. Will you let me know if he develops any superpowers?

Rose O'Reilly:
You're not a neighbor. You're a drug dealer. Whose apartment smells like cheese and feet.

David Clark:
Mm. Yeah, it's a candle I got from Anthropologie. 'Cheesy Feet' is what they call it. It's a best-seller.

Rose O'Reilly:
Lord, we thank thee for the blessing of this family vacation. May David find his bliss and bring us all back home safely. May Kenny and Casey fortify their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devoted hearts. And may this entire airplane find safe passage and a bountiful life. Even the Jews. Amen.

Styist:
OK, what are we doing today?

David Clark:
Yeah. I say, give me somethin' that says, 'I get up every morning at 5:30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job where my jag-off boss expects me to kiss his balls all day just so I can afford to keep my ungrateful, screaming kids decked out in Dora the explorer sh*t and my wife up to her fat ass in self-help videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth.'

Middle Aged Man:
[Indicating his own haircut] Right here.

David Clark:
[Points in the mirror] Yeah. That's it. That's the one.

Casey Mathis:
[Opens fridge, which is completely full of marijuana] Whoa. I think Snoop Dogg would f*** this fridge.

Rose O'Reilly:
[Scottie P. is trying to make out with Casey, who is resisting] Hey! Get your hands off of her! Come here, Casey. Now, you put your hands on her one more time, I swear I'm gonna rip that f***ing tattoo right off of your chest.

[mocking]

Rose O'Reilly:
You know what I'm sayin'?

Scottie P.:
Oh, really, b*tch?

Rose O'Reilly:
Yeah, b*tch.

Kenny Rossmore:
You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone, man.

Scottie P.:
What are you gonna do about it, Eyebrows?

Kenny Rossmore:
One... two...

Rose O'Reilly:
[Punches Scottie P. in the face]

Scottie P.:
OW! Broke my nose! You're a aggressive woman! Y'know wha' I'm sayin'?

[runs away]

Rose O'Reilly:
[to Casey] Are you OK?

Casey Mathis:
I'm fine. That was awesome, you just f***in' decked him!

Rose O'Reilly:
Yeah, well, I've dealt with handsy a**holes like him at work. Come on, let's just get out of here. Thanks for the backup. Kenny, what were you counting? If you're gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on "one."

Kenny Rossmore:
Well, David told me to count...

[Casey groans]

Rose O'Reilly:
David? David hasn't punched anybody, ever.

Casey Mathis:
[On airplane, sitting next to Kenny. David is trying to appear normal, while introducing his "family" to the flight attendant] Yeah. I'm going through all those typical teenage girl issues, like finals and college applications and am I gonna get asked to prom? [Smiles] [Conversationally] Plus, I haven't gotten my period in, like, two months, which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal... [Kenny chokes on his water]

Kenny Rossmore:
[Sees Casey being harassed by thugs on the street] Hey! Leave her alone! [Running to the rescue] Unhand her!

Kymberly:
Wow. You dance super-good.

Rose O'Reilly:
Thanks.

Kymberly:
I'm Kymberly. With a 'y'

Rose O'Reilly:
I'm Rose. With an 'r'. Is that your stage name?

Kymberly:
My what?

Rose O'Reilly:
Something to protect yourself from all those creeps out there. You should pick one. You know, something simple and sexy but cute. Short, maybe. Do you have a nickname?

Kymberly:
Totally!

Rose O'Reilly:
Oh. Well, great. Then use that because you...

Kymberly:
I even got a tattoo of it. Do you wanna see?

Rose O'Reilly:
Uh, well, n...

Kymberly:
[Pulls down panties, revealing tattoo that says "Boner Garage" with an arrow pointing to her crotch] Check it out.

Rose O'Reilly:
[Reading] 'Boner Garage'. Ooh... Wow... With a little arrow there, even...

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
Hey, Rose, I know you're [air-quotes] "technically" on break, but I need a lap dance. Table five. Just don't get too close. The guy has two hook-hands.

Rose O'Reilly:
[sighs] How did we let that guy back in here?

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
I don't know. He must've picked the locks. [Chuckles]

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
Oh, great, Rose. Glad I caught you. Um, I wanted to go over a couple of minor policy changes that we have here at the club.

Rose O'Reilly:
Like what?

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
Like, I want you to start having sex with the customers for money.

Rose O'Reilly:
What? That's totally illegal, Todd.

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
Come on. What are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those f***ers who just opened up across the street.

Rose O'Reilly:
You mean the Apple store?

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
Yeah! And they're killing us!

Rose O'Reilly:
Oh, God. That's it. I can't do it. I quit.

Kymberly:
[Enters] Did you hear the good news? Now we get to f*** the customers for money! [Squeals]

Rose O'Reilly:
[Dumbfounded] Wha...

Todd - Strip Club Owner:
Boner Garage loves it.

Rose O'Reilly:
I'm out of here. I am out of here. I quit.

Kenny Rossmore:
Hey, David.

David Clark:
Hi, Kenny.

Kenny Rossmore:
So, I heard you and Mrs. O'Reilly fighting.

David Clark:
It's called flirting, Kenny. You'll learn about it in college. What the hell are you doing up? It's almost two. Where's your mom?

Kenny Rossmore:
Uh, she went for a drink with a friend.

David Clark:
When?

Kenny Rossmore:
Last week.

Rose O'Reilly:
You're such a dick. Have fun dying alone, jerk.

David Clark:
Yeah, have fun digging out those singles from your crotch!

Rose O'Reilly:
My crotch only takes twenties, David.

David Clark:
Oh, my God. You're a dude! Scared the hell out of me! I mean your voice was so much deeper than your bone structure.

Casey Mathis:
These a**holes are trying to steal my iPhone!

David Clark:
Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?

Casey Mathis:
So? F*** you, dude!

[during an argument in the RV]

David Clark:
We are NOT the f***ing Brady Bunch, all right? I'm Marky Mark and y'all are the *Funky Bunch*!

Kenny Rossmore:
So now you're going to become an even bigger drug dealer?

David Clark:
Drug smuggler, Kenny. There's a difference.

David Clark:
I just got ear-f***ed in a tent. What do you want from me?

David Clark:
She's going to be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle. Actually, she might already be pregnant.

Brad's Receptionist:
Can I help you?

David Clark:
Hi, you ordered two black guys. David Clark, here to see Mr Gurdlinger.

Brad's Receptionist:
I will tell him you're here. Can I get you anything, coffee, tea, Fresca?

David Clark:
Hmmmmm, you know what, a Fresca sounds really good.

Brad's Receptionist:
You got it.

David Clark:
What the f*** is that?

Brad Gurdlinger:
Oh, my orca. Yeah, I bought an orca. I make a lot of money.

David Clark:
So you bought a whale?

Brad Gurdlinger:
Well, I don't like sports cars.

Brad Gurdlinger:
Listen, this is a f***ed up situation. But, I might have a win-win situation for both of us.

David Clark:
Great.

Brad Gurdlinger:
I have a smidge of very choice marijuana down in Mexico, and I need it here by Sunday night, but my regular currier is unavailable on the account of the fact he got gunned down. Anyway, that's where you come in.

David Clark:
We are all now officially international drug smugglers. Add it to the resume.

Brad Gurdlinger:
Go for B-Rad

David Clark:
Hey Brad, what the f***!

Brad Gurdlinger:
Uh oh, something wrong?

David Clark:
Yeah, something's wrong. Something's very, very wrong. You said a smidge of pot, and this is not a smidge.

Brad Gurdlinger:
Smidge and half, no?

David Clark:
Look, you got me moving enough weed to kill Willie f***ing Nelson, man. Ok, they are used a god damn bucket brigade to put it on the RV as we speak!

Brad Gurdlinger:
Wait, you just walked in there, told them you were picking up for Pablo Chacon, and they were like "Yeah, no problem?"

David Clark:
Why do you sound suprized by this?

Kenny Rossmore:
What did she say?

David Clark:
What the f*** do you think? She said no.

Kenny Rossmore:
Cool. So I guess it's just us, then. A little father and son bonding trip to Mexico.

David Clark:
Are you kidding? You and me alone in a van? It'll look like the pervert Olympics.

Kenny Rossmore:
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Oh f*** a donkey it hurts so much!

David Clark:
What hurts, Kenny?

Kenny Rossmore:
I'm gonna die! I'm gonna f***in' die!

David Clark:
Kenny, you're not going to die. Tell me what's wrong.

Rose O'Reilly:
What's wrong, Kenny?

Kenny Rossmore:
F***in' spider bit me on my balls, David! On my balls, on my balls, on my f***in' balls!

Kenny Rossmore:
[to Melissa] You kiss way better than my sister.

Casey Mathis:
Hey!

Brad Gurdlinger:
It's all here! I'm blown away David, great job. But it's late, deadline was last night, so... sorry buddy. No deal.

David Clark:
Brad, I almost got killed over this sh*t twice.

Brad Gurdlinger:
Look, i'm not gonna be an a**hole about this. I got two tons of premium weed, and yes you got Chacon pinched in the process, which is a huge win for team Brad. So how about we shake hands and call it even?

David Clark:
You were never gonna pay me, were you?

Brad Gurdlinger:
Is that a dick move? I can never tell anymore. [DEA team then breaks in and arrests everybody]

Brad Gurdlinger:
[as Brad is being handcuffed] You double crossed me!

David Clark:
Kind of a dick move. right?

Kenny:
Hey, David.

David:
Hi, Kenny.

Kenny:
So I heard you and Miss O'Riley fighting.

David:
Its called flirting, Kenny. you'll learn about it in college. What the hell you doing up. Its almost two am. Where's your mom?

Kenny:
Uh, She went for a drink with a friend.

David:
When?

Kenny:
Last week. So I got my whole place to myself. Rolling Han Solo for the weekend. Um, speaking of rolling, I was wondering...

David:
I don't sell to kids, Kenny.

Kenny:
I'm 18, Im gonna get my own place soon. I'm not a kid, David.

David:
Yeah, you are, take care.

[Kenny has noticed three men harassing a young woman in an alleyway so Kenny has walked over]

David:
Goddammit, Kenny. [David follows Kenny]

David:
Hey hey hey hey easy easy, whats going on here?

Street thug:
Mind your own f***ing business old man.

David:
Oh my god, you're a dude. I was like, what the hell, I mean your voice was much deeper that your bone structure.

Casey:
These a**holes are trying to steal my iPhone.

David:
Wait, you have an iPhone? Aren't you homeless?

Casey:
So? F*** you dude. [Note:Not clear who she says this to]

David:
Okay, this was fun, carry on.

Kenny:
Wait, no. These guys are picking on this girl, and it's not fair.

Street thug 2:
What the f*** are you gonna do about it white boy? You some type a hero? [Note:The street thug is caucasian]

David:
No, he's not a hero, he's just a dumb kid. I got an idea, leave the girl alone. You three just move along huh? What do you say? Move along?

Street thug:
What are you, some kind of cop?

Kenny:
No, he's not a cop. He's actually really cool. He's a drug dealer.

Street thug:
Really? [Holds up a switchblade]

David:
Goddamnit, Kenny.

Street thug:
Give me your bag pack.

David:
I don't wanna fight.

Street thug:
Oh, there's not gonna be a fight. See, you either give me your backpack, or I'm gonna stab you in the f***ing neck, and take it.

David:
Whew. So it's a real Sophie's Choice here huh? Alright, okay, back pack it is you want... [David swings it at a street thug, and runs into alleyway, with street thugs in pursuit of him]

Casey:
[Casey walking down the street in nonchalant tone] Hey sorry, I dropped my phone. Are we still out tonight or what? [David is caught by the thugs and his apartment is cleaned out of marijuana and cash.]

Kenny:
I can help. I'll call the cops. [To David slumped on apartment floor]

David:
No.

Brad:
Although you are forgetting one thing.

David:
What?

Brad:
You don't have a f***ing choice.

[David and Kenny are hanging out on steps of their building]

Kenny:
So, now you gotta be an even bigger drug dealer?

David:
Drug smuggler, Kenny, there's a difference.

Kenny:
Well, you know you probably gonna get searched at the border, I mean, no offence, but you look like a total drug dealer.

David:
No sh*t. Thanks dude.

Kenny:
You could wear a disguise.

David:
What?

Kenny:
A disguise.

David:
Okay, thats what I thought you said. So, a disguise, so what I should dress like, I dont know, whats hot this halloween these days. Maybe I could wear a mask like Bane, from Batman something like that on some of my f***ing face. [Puts on Bane voice and hand up to mouth] "Oh there's no drugs in here, you have nothing to worry about"; Yeah, good idea.

RV driver:
Hey, pardon me, sure hate to bug you fellows but I'm trying to get the fam off to the zoo and I'm all lost so if you could help..

David:
Yeah, f*** off real life Flanders.

[Police officer tells RV driver that there is no parking here and gives RV driver directions and David has an epiphany]

David:
Holy f***ing sh*t! Thank you dick heads!

[David tries to convince Rose to come with him on the trip but Rose declines]

Kenny:
So, what has she said?

David:
The f*** do you think? She said no.

Kenny:
Cool. So it's like I guess a father and son bonding trip to Mexico.

David:
Are you kidding me? You and me traveling alone in a van, it's gonna look like pervert Olympics. No way, absolutely no, we need a girl, and unless you can think of someone that can leave town tommorow. I'm f***ed.

Kenny:
I know a girl.

[Casey is prying open cash deposits with a crowbar]

Casey:
I don't get it. Whats in it for me.

David:
Well I'm thinking, maybe a roof over your head, some hot food, that'd be good right?

Casey:
Ok, but for a $1,000.

David:
Ok, a $1,000 but that's it.

Casey:
And if we get caught, I'll say you drugged and kidnapped me. cool?

David:
Yeah, it's cool, yeah, it's fine but that's it. Kenny meet your new sister.

Kenny:
This is great. I always want a sister. [Tightly hugs Casey]

Casey:
Get it off me, get it off, get off.

Todd:
I want you to start having sex with the customers for money. [Note:Todd is the owner of the strip club Rose dances in]

Rose:
What? That's totally illegal, Todd!

Todd:
Come on, what are you gonna do? Besides, I gotta stay competitive with those f***ers who just opened up across the street.

Rose:
You mean the Apple Store?

Todd:
Yeah, and they're killing us.

Kimberly/Boner Garage:
Did you hear the good news? Now we get to f*** the costumers for money! [Squeals]

Todd:
Boner garage loves it.

Rose:
I'm outta here, I'm outta here, I quit. [Walks up to apartment door and pulls off a posted notice] Eviction notice. F***. [Looks at mail ad, 1950's woman]

[David, Kenny and Casey are waiting in a barbershop]

Kenny:
So Casey, I guess it's nice for you to get your hair cut. I mean you being homeless and all I guess.

Casey:
I'm not homeless fucktard, I have a home, but I left it because my parents...

David:
Oh my god, shut up shut up shut up okay, please? Alright, I don't need to hear your heart bloodbath story right now okay? I mean, I rented Precious on Netflix and I still don't watch the f***ing thing. Actually here, you know what? Just to give me a little peace and quiet, go buy your self some new clothes, you know, the kind of stuff that loved children are wearing. Not this garbage alright? Thank you whoaa whoa whoa stop stop stop. [Grabs Kenny and Casey] Kenny, you're fine. You already look like total dipshit. Here, you take it, you gonna need that [Hands cash to Casey] You look like Eminem from 8 Mile. [Casey flips David off] Kenny, go with her, make sure she doesn't steal the money. And stay the f*** out the Hot Topic.

Barber:
David Clark, okay, what are we doing today?

David:
Yeah, I say give me some that says; "I get up every morning at 5.30 and commute for an hour and a half to some bullshit job and my jag off boss expect me to kisses balls all days just so i can afford to keep my ungratefull screaming kids decked out in Dora the Explorer sh*t and my wife working off a fat ass to self health videos until the day I get up the courage to put a shotgun in my mouth"

Corporate man:
[Points to head] Uh, umm... right here.

David:
Yeah, that's it, that's the one.

[Speaking to flight attendant]

David:
We're the Millers. Well you know, yeah, I got my hands full here. Couple of typical teenagers.

Casey:
Yeah, I'm going through all those typical teenage girls issues like finals, and college applications and who am I gonna get take to prom? Plus, why I haven't got my period in like two months which is really weird, because I've mostly just been doing anal. [Kenny spews out soda that he'd been drinking]

David:
Oh, that's enough.

[Rose has agreed to go on the trip at the last moment and has walked onto the plane]

Rose:
I want $30.000 now

David:
No f***ing way.

Rose:
Ok! Have safe flight!

David:
Wait! Ok, fine, fine. Blood sucker.

Rose:
Alright, happy wife, happy life!

[Kenny has accidentally hit Casey in the face and Rose in the breast]

Rose:
Don't think that you could ever...

David:
Whoa whoa whoa, family meeting, lets go, get in the back go.

[David starts herding Kenny, Casey and Rose to the back of the plane]

Kenny:
I didn't mean to hit her.

David:
I don't care.

Casey:
He hit me in the f***ing face sir,

David:
Are you from Mars? No one wants to hear it. [In the plane galley] What the f***?! Are you kidding me with this sh*t!

Casey:
Relax, Dorothy, Jesus, we're not at the border yet, who cares what these people think.

David:
It's about not drawing attention to ourselves, you little hobo.

Rose:
Hey, don't talk to her like that!

David:
Rose, relax okay, the only thing you need to worry right now is making people believe you could actually be someone mother, okay.

Rose:
Are you kidding me? I can do this sh*t in my sleep. [They hear a flight attendant coming in so Rose has grabbed all their hands to join in a prayer circle] Lord we thank thee for the blessing on this family vacation may David find his bliss and bring all of us home safely may Kenny and Casey fortified their sibling bond over the warm glow of our devouted hearts and made this entire airplane find safe passage and aboundant full of life even the jews...amen

Flight attendant:
That was a good one, that was beautiful, I wish my family was more like that.

Scottie P.:
What's up dog?

David:
Not much dog, what's up with you?

Scottie P.:
I'm here to pick up Casey. You know what I'm sayin'?

David:
Well, I'm awake and I speak English, so yeah, I know what you're saying.

[Casey and Scottie P. are about to leave]

Rose:
Wait a second, hold on come here. I'd like to have a little chat with your friend

Casey:
Are you kidding me?

Rose:
I am not kidding you. Would you please have a seat?

Casey:
What is going on?

Rose:
So, Scottie P., what exactly do you for a living?

Casey:
Oh, Mom!

Scottie P.:
I work for P&J Amusements. I maintain the monkey maze, if you know what I'm saying.

David:
What the hell is a monkey maze?

Scottie P.:
Oh, it's like terrifying death trap, but, for little kids.

David:
Hey, thats are some cool tats, man.

Scottie P.:
Ah, for real, thanks bro. You see the cobra?

David:
What is these one? Whats the one right there?

Scottie P.:
Oh, these, thats my credo. [Pulls down shirt collar to reveal "NO RAGRETS"]

David:
No regrets; How 'bout that you have no regrets?

Casey:
Dad... [Casey flips off both David and Rose behind Scottie P.'s back with both hand]

Scottie P.:
No. Not one.

David:
Like not even single letter?

Scottie P.:
No way... uh huh, at least, not me [laughs].

Casey:
Dad... I love him.

David:
I think he's great. I think he's real winner Casey. If I were you, I wouldn't use protection, have fun. Scottie P. you're the man [High fives him]

Scottie P.:
Yeah? For real. Nice meeting you man. Alright, you too. [Casey gets on Scottie P.'s motorcycle and he speeds off, narrowly missing people on the campsite]

David:
[To Rose] Come on, she'll gonna be fine. Tattooed kid on a motorcycle, no helmet. Actually, she might already be pregnant.

Rose:
We didn't know if you were dead in a ditch. You couldn't've called?

David:
Or some of those damn text messages you always sending out there; "hey its me casey, im not dead in the ditch lol, a little pig with a f***ing smile, #YOLO".

Casey:
Whoa, was that so hard to say, thank you, appreciate that.

David:
Unbelieveable, she learned a new word Rose. Thank God.

Casey:
"I'm sorry", He will be great.

David:
Oh, there he is. Kenny, oh my god you looks so much better.

Rose:
Yeah, doesn't he looks better?

David:
Yeah, he looks like a thousand bucks. Lets go come on.

Kenny:
Hey, take it easy. Would you just relax? Oh, hurt my elbow.

Rose:
Are you okay?

Kenny:
I think so.

Rose:
David, look what's happened to you, when you running around like a crazy person.

David:
What are you talking about? He's fine, come on. Come on Ken doll hop hop buddy, here we go here we go.

Rose:
What the hell is wrong with you?

David:
Whats wrong with me? Look this job has a deadline and in four f***ing hours alright, and if you thinking I'm gonnna lose half a million dollars pay day because of one of Kenny's boo boos then you're out of your goddamned mind.

Rose:
Whoa, wait a second, you're making half a millon dollars on this deal?

David:
Roughly.

Rose:
I can not believe you!

David:
Rose, listen to me, I can explain it.

Rose:
You're making $500,000 and giving me only $30,000?

Casey:
$30,000? I'm only getting $1,000!

Kenny:
You guys are getting paid?

Scottie P.:
What, come on girl. You texting me girl. You know what's up?

Rose:
Scottie! Hey! get you hands off of her! Come here Casey. [To Scottie P.] And you put your hands on her one more time. I swear I will rip that f***ing tattoo right off your chest! You know what I'm saying?

Scottie P.:
Oh, really b*tch?

Rose:
Yeah, b*tch!

Kenny:
You know what? Why don't you leave the girls alone man?

Scottie P.:
What do you gonna do about it? Eye brows?

Kenny:
One...two... [Rose immediately punches him]

Scottie P.:
Broke my nose. How aggresive, woman. You know what I'm saying? [Scottie P. walks away]

Casey:
Are you okay?

Rose:
I'm fine.

Casey:
That was awesome, you just f***ing decked him!

Rose:
Yeah, well I just dealt with him like the a**holes like him at work. Come on, let's just get outta here. Thanks for the back up, Kenny. What's with the count? If you gonna punch somebody, you punch 'em on the one.

Kenny:
Well, David told me to count.

Rose:
David? David hasn't punch anybody, ever. I think the exit is this way.

David:
I have returned.

Casey:
Go f*** yourself.

David:
This is what I miss right? The ping pong action. The repartée. Casey says; "Go f*** yourself" then you go f*** yourself, and then Rose, you say; "you go f*** yourself", then Kenny's like; "I don't wanna f*** anybody".

Rose:
We're not getting in the RV.

David:
What? okay, okay. I know whats this is about, and I get it. We gonna split the $500,000, evenly, between the four of us. You guys get what i'm saying here. Kenny, you wanna be like this. Thats a lot of video games kiddo. Casey, you can buy a house, run away from it, you know what i'm mean? Like whatever. You get $125.000, You get $125.000, you get a... you know, I'm like f***in' Oprah here. You know, like if she was a white dude at a carnival. Okay look, what do you want? you want me to beg? Kids, what do you think?