Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Zack Brown:
We are gonna launch arcing ropes of jism all over this motherf***er! Peace!

Zack Brown:
[repeated line] Let us f***!

Zack Brown:
Porn has gone mainstream! It's like Coke or Pepsi with d*cks in it. Look at Paris Hilton. She throat-f***s a guy in night-vision; now she's selling fragrances to teens! And I'm pretty sure she's legally retarded!

Zack Brown:
I don't want to be with anyone but you, so I will wait forever for you, ok? I will wait the rest of my life, because I love you, and I have for as long as I can remember, and I would rather die than be without you, Miriam Linky.

Miriam Linky:
What happened to the water?

Zack Brown:
I guess they musta shut it off...

Miriam Linky:
Help me get this sh*t outta my hair! Just use the water outta the toilet!

Zack Brown:
There's poo in there...

Miriam Linky:
The back part of the toilet!

Brandon:
[of Miri's outfit] In L.A., we call that "Nickelodeon chic".

Zack Brown:
Wait, L.A.? Los Angeles? That's awesome, man. What do you do out there?

Brandon:
I'm an actor.

Zack Brown:
Wow! That's really impressive.

Brandon:
Thank you.

Zack Brown:
F***ing movies!

Brandon:
F***ing movies. Pretty much.

Zack Brown:
Look at you! Anything I would have seen? What movies?

Brandon:
Oh, all sorts of movies with all-male casts.

Zack Brown:
All male casts? Like Glengarry Glen Ross, like that?

Brandon:
Like "Glen and Gary Suck Ross's Meaty Cock and Drop Their Hairy Nuts in His Eager Mouth".

Zack Brown:
[pause] Is that like a sequel?

Brandon:
Sort of. It's a re-imagining.

Zack Brown:
Oh, like The Wiz.

Brandon:
More erotic. And with less women. No women, to be exact.

Zack Brown:
I apologize in advance if I am outta line here, but are you in gay porn?

Brandon:
[smiles] Guilty as charged.

Zack Brown:
How come you get to be all Buck Rogers, having sex in the 25th century with Twiki and Dr. Theopolis, and I'm stuck to a bottle of Jergen's in the bathroom?

Miriam Linky:
Holy Bejeesus, tell me you don't use my Jergen's to jack it in our bathroom.

Zack Brown:
No, you know what I do? I light a bunch of candles, and I sprawl out on my sheets, and I listen to Sting. No, I'm a guy. You give me two Popsicle sticks and a rubber band and I'll find a way to f*** it, like a filthy MacGyver!

Zack Brown:
What's your name?

Lester:
Lester... Lester the Molester Cockenschtuff.

Zack Brown:
Wow. That's a great porn name.

Lester:
I get to pick a porn name?... Then I want to be called... Pete Jones.

Zack Brown:
[suggesting porn titles] F***back Mountain!

Miriam Linky:
[makes a face]

Zack Brown:
Too soon?

Zack Brown:
Delaney, my friend, you are On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over.

Delaney:
Man, I can't be in no porno. My wife will kill me.

Miriam Linky:
Hump me, On-Ur-Knees Bend-Over. You're my only hump.

Delaney:
On the other hand, f*** my wife.

Zack Brown:
I've known her since the first grade, you don't f*** someone you met in the first grade.

Delaney:
Excuse me, I met my wife in kindergarten, we got married senior year, and she's been the queen of my world ever since.

Zack Brown:
But what if you could do it all over again?

Delaney:
I would jerk off and live by myself. That woman is the bane of my existence.

Lester:
Hey Stacey. You like dogs?

Stacey:
Yeah. Especially pocket dogs.

Lester:
Oh. I really liked porking you. It made my dick feel good.

Stacey:
Me too. Except for the dick part because I don't have one but the good part.

Lester:
Cool. Well, see ya.

Stacey:
Bye.

Zack Brown:
Oh, you'll be sorry when I'm giving you the best orgasms of your life.

Miriam Linky:
Yeah right. As if you even know what you're doing down there.

Zack Brown:
Where's the clitoris again? Is it in your ass?

Zack Brown:
I'm gonna f*** you with my pecker!

Miriam Linky:
Dude... that's really dirty.

Zack Brown:
That's too dirty?

Miriam Linky:
That offends me.

Zack Brown:
Penis?

Miriam Linky:
Fine.

Zack Brown:
I'm gonna f*** you with my penis!

Miriam Linky:
Nobody wants to see us f***, Zack!

Zack:
EVERYBODY wants to see ANYBODY f***. I hate Rosie O'Donnell, but if somebody said "I got a tape of Rosie O'Donnell getting f***ed stupid", I'd be like "Why the f*** aren't we watching that right now?"

Miriam Linky:
So... I guess we should do this.

Zack Brown:
I think we should probably wait, uh, just until I lose another 20-30 pounds.

Miriam Linky:
Stop it. You look good.

Zack Brown:
Thanks.

Miriam Linky:
So... what about me? How do I look?

Zack Brown:
I mean, you look beautiful - you always look... so beautiful, so I guess it's not a big deal. But you... you look amazing.

Miriam Linky:
[grabbing his hand lovingly, then quickly beginning to swing it back and forth] Okay! Let's go make a porno!

Lester:
I even tried to talk her into givin' me the f***in' Dutch Rudder . . . shot me down on that, too.

Zack Brown:
And a Dutch Rudder is . . . ?

Lester:
You don't know what a Dutch Rudder- All right, you grab your dick, and then you have somebody else work your arm. Here, lemme show you. Grab my arm- I'm grabbing my dick, you're grabbing my arm . . . Now work it. Work my arm. See that sh*t? Now work it up and down. See that? See, it's like somebody else is jerking you off. And of course, there's the Double Dutch Rudder . . . which, I grab my dick, you grab your dick, you work my arm, I work your arm. Same time! Same time. It's like jerkin' off together, but not gay. [Shakes head.] We're not touchin' d*cks! Each other's d*cks, anyway; I'm touchin' my own dick. You're workin' it, and I'm lovin' it. It feels good, sir . . . Try me! C'mon!

Zack Brown:
I don't mean to alarm you... but I think I just jerked off Lester a little bit.

Miriam Linky:
The Dutch Rudder?

Zack Brown:
Yeah! It's ingenious, really.

Miriam Linky:
If you ask me nicely, I will Dutch Rudder you for the rest of our lives.

Zack Brown:
Good. I'm getting tired of f***in' the Fleshlight.

Miriam Linky:
[laughing] You f***ed it?

Zack Brown:
Yeah.

Miriam Linky:
What'd it feel like?

Zack Brown:
...f***ing a flashlight.

Delaney:
What? Han Solo ain't never had no sex with Princess Leia in the Star War!

Brandon:
[to Bobby] I will be patient with you. I will be there on your journey. I will be your Sherpa up the mountain...of gayness.

Mr. Surya:
I hate you ebony and ivory motherf***ers!

Deacon:
[after getting covered in Stacey's feces during an anal sex scene] Can you believe this sh*t!? That chick frosted me like I was a f***ing cake!!

Customer:
Can I get a coffee, black?

Delaney:
Can't you see we talking, white?

Zack Brown:
Brandon here, is the star of such adult films as... What was that one called again?

Brandon St. Randy:
'You Better Shut Your Mouth Or I'm Gonna F*** It'

Zack Brown:
Oh, yeah... surprised i forgot that.