So, how'd the big night turn out?
It was... there's no word to describe it. Schmooblydong? That's not it, but it's close. Let--let me try and put it in terms you can understand. Imagine being high at a Rusted Root concert while two dudes take you on in a sun-baked porta-john.
Wow. That actually does sound really good.
Yeah. I'd like that too.
Oh, Stan. I hope you don't get lost in there. What if you die? (gasps): I left my soda in the freezer!
(Francine rushes to the kitchen, opens the freezer, and finds a drunken Klaus in his fishbowl)
Klaus (drunk and happy):
Francine! Let's do some shots!
Klaus?! What you do doing in there?
Stan put me in two days ago. The only reason I didn't freeze to death because I filled mein bowl with that bottle of vodka.
Why'd he put you in the freezer?
Oh, I'll tell you why. He -- (vomits so much that it fills the fishbowl)
[about Francine] God she scared me, you see that I almost punched her in the face!
Stan, remember the first rule of every wedding is that the bride is beautiful. The second rule you can find on my website. You have be eighteen to log on. I have some sexy barnyard stuff on there that is not for everyone -- I could get into a lot of trouble. If you do decide to check it out you need clear your history right away; you may have to uninstall your browser. I'm telling you scrub that thing clean. If you think you're being too cautious, you're not: they will take us both to jail.
Gentlemen do what ever it takes to empty our coffers.
Lap dances, champagne dances, shower dances.
Oh, the things you can buy for a hand full of bills.
It makes me excited.
It gives me the chills.
They'll be filcher rubs, breeders, hambones and tweeners
Zobos and debos and blorps that go, "Eenahs!"
For a one dollar bill
You can pull down their zippers.
I am the Snorlax
I speak for the strippers!
Oh, my God! Roger is my hero!
(Roger is asleep on the hotel bed. He wakes up and finds Stan sitting across from him)
Stan, who the hell are you talking to? Are you just sitting in the dark watching me? Oh God, were you yanking it over my sleeping form? Oh you sick -- (notices lipstick marks all over his body): What the? (pulls back the covers to reveal a naked, sleeping fat woman): You always get what you want, doncha, Helen? Bravo.
Breakfast Haus waiter:
Y'all have enough time?
I'll have two eggs - one over easy, one over medium - three sausage links, a cup of cottage cheese with a drizzle of honey, a fruit cup - unless it's mostly honeydew melon, in which case skip it and make it half a grapefruit, a glass of whole milk over ice and a side of toast, barely browned - closer to bread than toast, I'm not joking - with as many local jams as you have in stock. Oh, and a Bloody Mary.
Breakfast Haus waiter:
We don't serve alcohol.
[scene changes to Café Olé]
You're gonna to roast each other. And your zingers better be mean. If you try any weak sauce, I'm gonna give you such a zots. [With a remote, he buzzes Stan] Now, Stan, roast Hayley. [Zots!] You feel that zots?!
Uh, Hayley, you're not very smart and you smoke a lot of pot.
[another buzz] Zots!
Uh, okay. Hayley, I secretly wish you were Benjamin Button, and you were aging backwards, and your life was almost over.
[laughing with Klaus] Oh, yeah! Insults in the form of jokes. So how's it feel, Hayley? Not too bueno, I bet. Now you do Steve.
Steve, you will never get laid. There is nothing attractive about you. You have the sex appeal of the cancer ward in a pediatric hospital.
Hayley coming in with a groaner. Nice. Okay, Steve, let's see you give it to your mama.
Mom, you are not smart. I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes. Example: my mama's so dumb, I don't tell "yo mama's so dumb" jokes. I tell "my mama's so dumb" jokes.
I love it. Francine, take the pain and throw it right at Stan. Do it!
Stan, you have the undeserved ego of Jeremy Piven, the annoying self-righteousness of Sean Penn, and the unbearable hypocrisy of Rush Limbaugh. What I'm trying to say is, you're almost as bad a person as Rachael Ray.
(From the living room) Guys! Get in here! The porn channel's coming in for some reason!
(Stan, Hayley, Francine, and Steve run to the living room)
(while watching the porn) Nice.
(An explosion comes from the kitchen. The family coughs and comes up from the rubble)
Is everyone okay?
Did we lose the porn?