That '70s Show, Season 1

Fez:
I may not say this right because I am new to English, but she has tremendous breasts, yes?

Jackie:
Michael, who is this guy?

Kelso:
Oh, that's Fez. He's the foreign exchange student.

Jackie:
What did we exchange for him?

Kitty:
A car is not a bedroom on wheels.

Fez:
[seeing Laurie] Holy Mother!

Kelso:
Hello Laurie.

Laurie:
Hello Kelso, Hyde.

Fez:
Who is the goddess?

Kelso:
The goddess is Eric's sister.

Hyde:
She's not a goddess, she's more the earth mother whore type, which works for me.

Red:
So, how's your friend Janice?

Laurie:
Pregnant.

Kitty:
Oh, she was such a nice girl, how does that happen?

Eric:
Well, first the egg travels down the fallopian tube to the uterus where it attaches to the wall...

Red:
Eric, for God's sakes, that's no language for a woman to hear!

Laurie:
It's okay Red, I know what a fallopian tube is. I think Mom does too.

Red:
Eric, say that your job was sent to a plant in Guatela-who-the-hell cares. Now, are you gonna vote for the guy that let that happen?

Kitty:
Red, President Ford didn't take your job, he took Nixon's.

Red:
Eric, we're waiting!

Eric:
Uh, well, I believe that everyone's political opinion is valid and worth hearing.

Red:
Well, that's, that's perfect Eric. Use that line when you're up for Miss America.

[At the Ford campaign rally, Red stammers, but recovers after seeing a masked Eric streak]

Red:
Hey Gerry, here's my question: How the hell could you pardon Nixon?

Jackie:
I'm waiting.

Hyde:
Just say it and she'll go home.

Eric:
Fine. [pause] You know, you're right, Jackie, the Fonz could beat up Bruce Lee. [winces]

Jackie:
Thank you!

[The guys have been talking about women and their physical features, but whenever Red walks by, they switch to talking about the Bible.]

Kelso:
Geez, if [Red]'s like this now, he's going to be a total headcase when they shut down the plant. He's just going to be this pathetic guy...

[Red walks in]

Kelso:
[loudly]: ...with breasts the size of watermelons! [pauses] ...Is what Moses said to the Egyptians.

Red:
Kelso, go home.

Ricky:
Tell me, what do you consider your best quality?

Eric:
Well, I'm a real people person.

Hyde:
I don't answer stupid questions.

Fez:
I speak Dutch.

Kelso:
My eyes. Oh, and I guess my butt, too.

Ricky:
Where do you see yourself in five years?

Eric:
Fatso Burger.

Fez:
Covered in gold chains.

Kelso:
Rock star. No, movie star. No. Yeah, rock star.

Hyde:
Prison.

Eric:
Yeah, we'll throw a party, charge two bucks a head.

Kelso:
[quickly] Two bucks a head. A keg is equivalent to seven cases; that's 168 beers. If we each drink three beers apiece...

Hyde:
No way. Sophomores gonna drink one, maybe.

Kelso:
True.

Hyde:
Yeah, and the freshman, he's gonna drink a half.

Kelso:
So that averages out to 1.5 beers per person, which means we can invite 112 people, and that's 224 bucks.

Hyde:
Cash.

Kelso:
Which is...

Kelso and Hyde:
Decent!

[Red and Bob are investigating the wine store when a kid tries to snitch on the party]

Sleazy Kid:
You know, I may have heard something about a party? Can't recall, but maybe ... Andrew Jackson could remind me?

Bob:
Andrew Jackson, huh? [Counts dollar bills] He's not in, but Abe Lincoln is hanging out with the Washington twins. I suppose they have knowledge of the festivities? [Red suddenly grabs the money]

Red:
So, a real wisenheimer, huh. Well, let's see how smart you are when I [gets closer to kid] SNAP OFF YOUR HEAD!

Sleazy Kid:
Okay, okay, man! They said something about a ... a vacant house on Sherman.

Bob:
I know that place. It's the vacant house on Sherman.

Red:
Good work, Starsky. Let's roll.

[Donna and Eric talk about the gang's disco date]

Eric:
Donna, I hate dancing.

Donna:
Why did you go?

Eric:
I like you.

Donna:
So... you're in like with me?

[The guys are smoking in the basement]

Kelso:
I went to the mall today... and I bought a pair of new shoes [pause] and they're the coolest kicks in the cave.

Fez:
I am telling you. I heard it. The devil is singing backwards on the record.

Hyde:
It's not the devil, man! It's Congress. They passed a secret law to put backward messages in our records, man! They wanna kill rock 'n roll because they know it makes us horny, man!

Eric:
Doesn't pretty much everything make us horny?

Kelso:
Cartoons make me horny! Oh, and food!

Jackie:
I understand. Everybody wants their first makeout to be special, in some place romantic like Ireland or Disney World.

[Donna leaves after finding out that Eric kissed Laurie's friend, Kate]

Hyde:
Hey Donna, you wanna talk?

Kelso:
I guess she didn't take it well.

Red:
Take what well? [looks at Kelso]

Kelso:
[smiles] Eric made out with Kate.

Red:
Anything else?

Fez:
Your son is a whore!

[Red berates Eric over kissing Kate]

Red:
Donna's such a sweet kid. How could you do this to her?

Eric:
I don't know. It's like bad things always happen to me, like I have bad luck or something.

Red:
[slowly] Son, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you ... is because you're a dumbass. Now fix it!

Donna:
[to Jackie and Kelso] Finally! Where have you guys been?

Kelso:
We had to look for the paper, and eat... and then some stuff happened, you know.

Eric:
Your shirt's on inside-out.

Kelso:
Yeah, that's the stuff.

Hyde:
The three true branches of the government are: military, corporate and Hollywood.

Kelso:
I miss Eric.

Jackie:
Well, you still have me.

Kelso:
It's not the same, Jackie! I can talk to Eric about things that... that I can't talk about with you.

Jackie:
OK, well like what?

Kelso:
Well, for instance, the annoying things that you do.

Jackie:
MICHAEL!

Kelso:
See, I can't talk to you.

Frank:
Number 10, your order is ready.

Kelso:
Yeah, I'll be right there.

Frank:
Number 10, I have limited counter space. Please remove your hot dog.

Kelso:
Al-right! I don't see why you can't just serve us our food Frank! We are paying customers, you know!

Frankie:
Hey, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam, so that I could serve hot dogs to teenagers.

Kelso:
You have both your legs Frank...

Frank:
Like I said, I did not lose a leg in Vietnam.

Eric:
Ah, come on, Hyde, did you have to write your name in the snow so close to the tree?

Kitty:
So, Laurie, who are you seeing up at the college?

Laurie:
Oh, I like to date around.

Eric:
[coughs] Slut!

Kitty:
Bless you.

Eric:
Thanks, Mom.

[Kelso hitches a ride on a truck.]

Gus:
Well, hello there!

Kelso:
Hey, thanks for stopping. Are you going all the way to Alpine Valley?

Gus:
Oh, I'm going... wherever you're going!

Kelso:
Wow, that's lucky!

Gus:
So, did it hurt?

Kelso:
What?

Gus:
When you fell down from heaven!

Kelso:
No, I'm fine!

Fez:
I love the snow! I am a winter nymph! I love America! [passes out]

Eric:
[sitting in a jail cell] We're not all in trouble here. [to Kelso] Your parents have seven kids. They won't even notice you're gone. [to Fez] Your parents don't even live in this country. [to Hyde] And your mom? Probably one cell over.

Red:
Responsible people don't go around getting their nipples twisted.

Eric:
See, when you say it, it just sounds weird

Red:
I can't be friends with Eric. He's too... twitchy.

[Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]

Red:
I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.

Manager:
[cuts off Red] No, no autographs.

Red:
Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.

Manager:
Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.

Rocky Johnson:
You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!

Red:
Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.

Eric:
No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.

Red:
Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.

Eric:
No, it's not.

Red:
Stop kidding around, Red.

Red:
Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.

Eric:
Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.

Red:
Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.

[Bob walks in wearing a leisure suit]

Jackie:
I can't believe you, Michael.

Kelso:
What?

Jackie:
You can't just maul me in front of my father!

Kelso:
I bet he didn't even notice.

Jackie:
He yelled at you to stop it.

Kelso:
I thought he was yelling at you.

Eric:
I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.

Donna:
I'm sorry.

Eric:
Yeah, me too.

Jackie:
Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.

Eric:
Okay then well, good luck with that.

Donna:
So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?

Eric:
Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez:
Oh, I am so excited to be in the food service industry. May I cut the cheese?

Kelso:
Guys, guess who's taking Pam Macey to the prom?

Hyde:
Anyone with a quarter?

Kelso:
NO, ME!

Fez:
Damn, and I had a quarter.

Jackie:
Well, I have a date too.

Kelso:
Who is he? What's his name?

Jackie:
His name is... not important. What's important is, he's better than you, in every conceivable way.

Kelso:
Damn, Jackie, that could be anybody!

Fez:
I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde:
Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez:
Screw that.

Hyde:
Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric:
Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso:
Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

[Eric seeks advice from Red and Bob about fighting David because he is hitting on Donna]

Red:
The bridge of the nose, it's very vulnerable.

Bob:
Oh, and hit him with a banjo.

Red:
[exasperated] A banjo, Bob?

Bob:
Yeah.

Red:
Where is he gonna get a banjo?

Bob:
I don't know. But I saw a guy get hit with a banjo once, and he went down!

Red:
Hitting a guy with a banjo is dirty. [to Eric] You can hit him in the groin.

Bob:
You can hit him in the groin with a banjo.

Eric:
Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez:
This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde:
It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso:
What?

Hyde:
It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso:
It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde:
Get up and make it better!

Kelso:
Fine!

[Kelso gets up on the railing and takes the paint brush.]

Hyde:
Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie:
[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde:
Hey, Kelso!

Kelso:
[weakly] Yeah?

Hyde:
How's it look from down there?!

Kelso:
It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Red:
Are you on dope? Are you?

Kitty:
Because, because, we can help get you clean. There's counseling, hospitalization-

Red:
My foot kicking your ass.

Eric:
Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man!

[Kitty and Red are trying to talk Hyde out of going to New York]

Red:
We don't think that you should go.

Kitty:
New York is a dangerous place.

Red:
A young man today needs a high school diploma.

Kitty:
In New York, you get mugged for no good reason.

Red:
Do you have any idea what the job market is like?

Kitty:
The people are rude. And you have feelings.

Red:
Without that sheepskin, you are nothing. And not the kind of nothing that you are now. An even lower, more pathetic nothing.

Kitty:
They spit. That's right, they spit!

Red:
What're you gonna put on your resume? "Dumbass"?

Hyde:
I'm not afraid of anything and I'm going!

Red:
Well, that didn't go that great. Way to go, Kitty.

Eric:
I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Donna:
Have you talked to Red about this?

Eric:
I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

[Hyde walks into the basement.]

Hyde:
Forman. Let's go get wasted.

[Eric points at Hyde, as to prove a point.]

Donna:
[exasperated] Great!

Eric:
See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Hyde:
[frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

Red:
Eric, didn't I tell you to wash up for dinner? I know, it's difficult to hear with your head up your ass.

Red:
Pork chops? I thought we agreed to stick to a budget! Pork chops aren't cheap!

Kitty:
Well, you know, on the way to the market, I tried to run over a cat. But they are just so darn speedy!

Donna:
So, my parents are, like, fighting all the time, and they want me to choose sides. But I can't, because they're both idiots.

Donna:
Excuse me, Jackie, when exactly did you lose your soul?

Jackie:
Um, cheerleading camp.