Fred Allen

Fred Allen (born John Florence Sullivan May 31, 1894 - March 17, 1956) was an American comedian whose absurdist, pointed radio show (1934-1949) made him one of the most popular and forward-looking humorists in the so-called classic era of American radio

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A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A celebrity is a person who works hard all of their life to become well known, and then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A gentleman is any man who wouldn't hit a woman with his hat on.
A molehill man is a pseudo-busy executive who comes to work at 9 am and finds a molehill on his desk. He has until 5 p.m. to make this molehill into a mountain. An accomplished molehill man will often have his mountain finished before lunch.
Advertising is 85% confusion and 15% commission.
An income tax form is like a laundry list -- either way you lose your shirt.
California is a fine place to live--if you happen to be an orange.
Committee--a group of men who individually can do nothing but as a group decide that nothing can be done.
Do we really deserve top billing?
During the Samuel Johnson days they had big men enjoying small talk; today we have small men enjoying big talk.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns he should be drawn and quoted.
Hanging is too good for a man who makes puns; he should be drawn and quoted.
He dreamed he was eating shredded wheat and woke up to find the mattress half gone.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for movie stars.
Hollywood is a place where people from Iowa mistake each other for stars.
I can't understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.
I don't want to own anything that won't fit into my coffin.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only sane thing to do if you find yourself up there.
I have just returned from Boston. It is the only thing to do if you find yourself up there.
If the grass is greener in the other fellow's yard - let him worry about cutting it.
Imitation is the sincerest form of television.
It is probably not love that makes the world go around, but rather those mutually supportive alliances through which partners recognize their dependence on each other for the achievement of shared and private goals.
Life, in my estimation, is a biological misadventure that we terminate on the shoulders of six strange men whose only objective is to make a hole in one with you.
My father never raised his hand to any one of his children, except in self-defense.
My hometown was so dull that one time the tide went out and never came back.
Radio is a bag of mediocrity where little men with carbon minds wallow in sluice of their own making.
Television is a medium because anything well done is rare.
Television is a new medium. It's called a medium because nothing is well-done.
Television is the triumph of machine over people.
The last time I saw him he was walking down Lover's Lane holding his own hand.
The vice-president of an advertising agency is a bit of executive fungus that forms on a desk that has been exposed to conference.
Washington is no place for a good actor. The competition from bad actors is too great.
We are living in the machine age. For the first time in history the comedian has been compelled to supply himself with jokes and comedy material to compete with the machine. Whether he knows it or not, the comedian is on a treadmill to oblivion.
What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement
You can take all the sincerity in Hollywood, place it in the navel of a firefly and still have room enough for three caraway seeds and a producer's heart.
[Television is] the triumph of machine over people.

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