Rita Rudner (born September 17, 1953) is an American comedienne, writer and actress

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Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.
I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.
I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.
Most turkeys taste better the day after my mother's tasted better the day before.
My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.
My mother buried three husbands ... and two of them were only napping.
My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping.
My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.
Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.
Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.'
When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with'

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