Robert Benchley

United States humorist (1889-1945)

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It took me fifteen years to discover that I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
Drinking makes such fools of people, and people are such fools to begin with, that it's compounding a felony.
The surest way to make a monkey of a man is to quote him.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.
A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
An ardent supporter of the hometown team should go to a game prepared to take offense, no matter what happens.
Anyone can do any amount of work, provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be doing at the moment.
As for me, except for an occasional heart attack, I feel as young as I ever did.
Defining and analyzing humor is a pastime of humorless people.
Drawing on my fine command of the English language, I said nothing.
Except for an occasional heart attack I feel as young as I ever did.
For a nation which has an almost evil reputation for bustle, bustle, bustle, and rush, rush, rush, we spend an enormous amount of time standing around in line in front of windows, just waiting.
I can't bring myself to say, 'Well, I guess I'll be toddling along.' It isn't that I can't toddle. It's just that I can't guess I'll toddle.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
In America there are two classes of travel - first class, and with children.
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up, because by that time I was too famous.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about
Streets full of water; please advise.
Tell us your phobias, and we will tell you what you are afraid of.
The biggest obstacle to professional writing is the necessity for changing a typewriter ribbon.
The free-lance writer is a man who is paid per piece or per word or perhaps.
The pencil sharpener is about as far as I have ever got in operating a complicated piece of machinery with any success.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who believe there are two kinds of people in the world and those who don't.

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