Steven Wright

Steven Alexander Wright (born December 6, 1955) is an American stand-up comedian, actor, and writer. He is known for his distinctly lethargic voice and slow, deadpan delivery of ironic, witty, deeply philosophical and sometimes confusing or nonsensical jokes and one-liners with overly-contrived situations

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I was walking down the street wearing glasses when the prescription ran out.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happen if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?
If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer
A friend of mine once sent me a postcard with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, Wish you were here.
Cross-country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for awhile I was a suspect.
Every now and then I like to lean out my window, look up and smile for a satellite picture.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
I have an existential map. It has "You are here" written all over it.
I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.
I have the worlds largest seashell collection. You may have seen it, I keep it spread out on beaches all over the world.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I went to a store and asked if they had anything to put under coasters.
If a word in the dictionary were mispelled, how would we know?
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
It doesn't make a difference what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, 'Do I know you'
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
My theory of evolution is that Darwin was adopted.
The Meaning Of Life The reason that we're all here is that it was too crowded where we were supposed to go.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
They say the sun never sets over the British Empire, but it rises every morning. The sky must get awfully crowded.
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
What's another word for Thesaurus
When I have a kid, I wanna put him in one of those strollers for twins, then run around the mall looking frantic.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, 'Did you sleep good' I said 'No, I made a few mistakes.'
You can't have everything. Where would you put it

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