Will Rogers

United States humorist remembered for his homespun commentary on politics and American society (1879-1935)

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Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.
The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can't ask his patients what is the matter-he's got to just know.
We have the best Congress money can buy.
With Congress, every time they make a joke it's a law, and every time they make a law it's a joke.
You know everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Don't let yesterday take up too much of today.
Even if you are on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.
Alexander Hamilton started the U.S. Treasury with nothing -- and that was the closest our country has ever been to being even.
America is a great country, but you can't live in it for nothing.
An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.
An onion can make people cry, but there has never been a vegetable invented to make them laugh.
Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House
Being a hero is about the shortest-lived profession on earth.
Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie' until you can find a rock.
Don't gamble take all your savings and buy some good stock and hold it till it goes up, then sell it. If it don't go up, don't buy it.
Every man is ignorant - just on different subjects.
Everybody is ignorant only on different subjects.
Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.
Everything is funny as long as it is happening to Somebody Else.
Heroing is one of the shortest-lived professions there is.
I belong to no organized party. I am a Democrat.
I bet you if I had met him Trotsky and had a chat with him, I would have found him a very interesting and human fellow, for I never yet met a man that I didn't like.
I can remember way back when a liberal was one who was generous with his money.
I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.
I traveled a good deal all over the world, and I got along pretty good in all these foreign countries, for I have a theory that it's their country and they got a right to run it like they want to.
I was not a child prodigy, because a child prodigy is a child who knows as much when it is a child as it does when it grows up.
I wonder if it isn't just cowardice instead of generosity that makes us give tips.
I'm not a member of any organized political party, I'm a Democrat
I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.
If any of us had a child that we thought was as bad as we know we are, we would have cause to start to worry.
If I could kick the person in the tail that causes me the most problems I could not sit down for a week.
If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can't it get us out
It's not what you pay a man, but what he costs you that counts.
Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.
Live your life so that whenever you lose, you are ahead.
Lord, let me live until I die.
Never let yesterday use up too much of today.
Noah must have taken into the Ark two taxes, one male and one female. And did they multiply bountifully! Next to guinea pigs, taxes must have been the most prolific animals.
Nothing you can't spell will ever work.
On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
On account of us being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.
One ad is worth more to a paper than forty editorials.
Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.
Our Constitution protects aliens, drunks, and U.S. senators.
Parades should be classed as a nuisance and participants should be subject to a term in prison.
People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.
People love high ideals, but they got to be about 33-percent plausible.
Politics has got so expensive that it takes lots of money to even get beat with.
Politics is applesauce.
Politics is not worrying this country one-tenth as much as where to find a parking space.
Rumor travels faster, but it don't stay put as long as truth.
See what will happen if you don't stop biting your fingernails
So live that you wouldn't be ashamed to sell the family parrot to the town gossip.
Take the diplomacy out of war and the thing would fall flat in a week.
The fellow that can only see a week ahead is always the popular fellow, for he is looking with the crowd. But the one that can see years ahead, he has a telescope but he can't make anybody believe that he has it.
The greatest loss of time is delay and expectation. I never yet talked to the man who wanted to save time who could tell me what he was going to do with the time he saved.
The income tax has made liars out of more Americans than golf.
The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.
The man with the best job in the country is the Vice President. All he has to do is get up every morning and say, 'How's the President'
The more you read and observe about this Politics thing, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other. The one that's out always looks the best.
The movies are the only business where you can go out front and applaud yourself.
The only time people dislike gossip is when you gossip about them.
There is good news from Washington today. Congress is deadlocked and can't act.
There is only one thing that can kill the Movies, and that is education.
There ought to be one day - just one - where there is open season on senators.
There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.
There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.
This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.
We are all here for a spell get all the good laughs you can.
We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.
We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.
We don't know what we want, but we are ready to bite somebody to get it.
Well, all I know is what I read in the papers.
What the country needs is dirtier fingernails and cleaner minds.
When I die, my epitaph or whatever you call those signs on gravestones is going to read: I joked about every prominent man of my time, but I never met a man I dident like. I am so proud of that I can hardly wait to die so it can be carved. And when you come to my grave you will find me sitting there, proudly reading it.
You can't say that civilization don't advance, however, for in every war they kill you in a new way.
Youve got to be [an] optimist to be a Democrat, and youve got to be a humorist to stay one.

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