My Hero

[repeated line]

Piers:
I am always here.

George:
Oh, I get it. *I'm* Thermoman, and *I've* got to stop the meteor?

Arnie:
Yes.

George:
I hope I can do it.

Arnie:
You can do it. Let's get training.

George:
What if I can't do it?

Arnie:
You'll be fine.

George:
There's so little time.

Arnie:
You can do it, George.

Janet:
[soft, gentle voice] Arnie, let me speak to him, I'm his wife.

Janet:
[turns to George and shouts] Stop whining, and just do it!

[first lines]

Janet:
George, his nappy needs changing.

George:
OK, my turn. [sniffs] Sorry, gotta go. Hurricane in Brazil.

[last lines]

Janet:
Looks like someone's nappy needs changing. You are so brave, so fantastic.

George:
Thank you.

Janet:
And I'm going to give you such a good time tonight.

George:
Ooh, that sounds nice. Who are you?

Janet:
I'm your wife.

George:
I don't have a wife.

Arnie:
Don't be stupid, George. Of course you got a wife.

George:
Who's George? I'm Thermoman.

Janet:
Oh no, not again! Arnie, you sort him out while I see to Ollie.

Arnie:
Listen, George. That crying kid is your kid, and that woman is your wife. C'mon! You must remember your own family.

George:
I will do, just as soon as she's changed his nappy.

[first lines]

Janet:
[reading] "And so the crocodile forgave the hippopotamus, and they both lived happily ever after. The end." Aah. And you wrote that today, Ollie?

Ollie:
Yes, Mummy.

Janet:
You misspelled 'hippopotamus'...

Ollie:
Sorry!

Janet:
Other than that it's pretty good. Just a bit long at fifty-eight pages.

Ollie:
I need to be more self-critical.

[last lines]

Janet:
That was the most disgraceful, embarrassing, insensitive, thoughtless speech I have ever heard. [pause] Welcome back! [she hugs George]

[first lines]

Ollie:
Mummy, can I have one of your sausages?

Janet:
You've already had twelve of your own.

Janet:
Dad, how are the cataracts?

Stanley:
Well, if I look at your mother she's just a blur. So they're not too bad really.

Tyler:
Master, let me explain.

Janet:
Thank you, Tyler.

Tyler:
Crickets are different from baseball, because in cricket, you not only have a bat and a ball, you also have horses and leather-clad women with metal spikes.

Janet:
No, you don't!

Tyler:
You do in my version.

[last lines]

Ella:
Oh my... God!

[first lines]

George:
I don't care what they say; babies are more knackering than volcanoes. What have we created, Janet?

Janet:
I know. How could something so small cause such havoc?

George:
There's no need to be personal.

Janet:
I meant the baby.

[last lines]

George:
Ah. He's potty-trained.

Janet:
Where is the baby?

George:
I left him watching a video. I'm worn out.

Janet:
George! You can't possibly leave him on his own! What if burglars break in?

George:
I've warned him about intruders; he's not to kill them, just knock them unconscious.

Janet:
What video did you get?

George:
Pulp Fiction.

Janet:
Pulp Fiction!

George:
It's a very good film, Janet. You don't want our son watching rubbish.

Janet:
He's two days old; you'll have Social Services round.

George:
That's OK, I've shown him where the coffee is.

Janet:
George, what's happened?

George:
Sing. Fly. Sniff tidal waves. Oh my God, Janet, something terrible's happened! He's gone human.

Janet:
[pleased tone] Oh dear, what a shame.

George:
Arnie!

Arnie:
It can happen in mixed marriages. After an early surge, the inferior gene just kicks in.

Janet:
Oh, charming.

Arnie:
It's happened before. Remember Macaulay Culkin? Great until he was ten, then kaput.

Mrs Raven:
[on the phone] I shan't tell you again. If I have to leave this desk and come round there, you won't be able to sit down for a week!

Mrs Raven:
Good boy. [hangs up]

Piers:
Triplets again?

Mrs Raven:
Greg Dyke.

Tyler:
He did say he didn't like the name Pontius. [Janet smiles triumphantly] Or Benjamin.

Janet:
Oh. So what name does he want?

Tyler:
Apollo 11.

George, Janet:
Apollo 11?

Tyler:
Yeah, he said he wants the name that'll symbolize the link between two heavenly bodies; so it was either Apollo 11 or Battlestar Galactica.

George:
We could call him Apollo.

Janet:
Or Ollie for short.

George:
Ollie, yes.

[first lines]

Patient:
Excuse me.

Mrs Raven:
What?

Patient:
[holding up empty plastic bottle] Dr Crispin asked me to provide a sample.

Mrs Raven:
You missed.

Janet:
I doubt that we're empty due to an outbreak of good health. After all, *Piers* is their doctor.

Arnie:
Do you remember me telling you about the devil-women of Zytog?

Tyler:
After mating, they rip off their men's heads, and they use them for footballs.

Arnie:
Pussycats compared to a worried earth mom.

[last lines]

Janet:
Oh, God! Please, not again!

Ollie:
Fooled you.

[first lines]

Janet:
It's what every fast-moving superhero needs.

George:
[unwraps spray deodorant] Aah, thank you. You saw the headline. So embarrassing.

George:
Satan's Sister slapped me and damaged one of the cameras.

Janet:
Excuse me, did you just call my mother Satan's sister?

George:
That's what the viewers call her. They had a vote. It was either that or Queen B*tch of the Universe.

AA Patient:
May I ask you something in confidence?

Mrs Raven:
Yeah, of course.

[he whispers something in her ear]

Mrs Raven:
I'm not sure. [loudly] Anyone know where Alcoholics Anonymous meets?

[several patients shake their heads]

Mrs Raven:
No, can't help you.

Piers:
I think I've died and gone to Heaven.

Mrs Raven:
Makes a change; it's normally your patients.

Piers:
That wasn't Mrs Smith. That was Jessica Strong, the film star.

Janet:
Wow! So why did she come to you?

Piers:
She wanted a private, discreet examination by a top professional.

Mrs Raven:
So why did she come to you?

[last lines]

George:
Good old telly.

Janet:
Good old telly.

Ollie:
Good old telly.

[last lines]

George:
Is everyone definitely back where they should be? Janet, Tyler, Piers, Britney? Allow me the pleasure of doing this.

[places the Ultronian Neuro-Filtration Device on the floor and stomps on it]

Arnie:
If it wasn't broken before, it definitely is now.

George:
And good riddance to it!

Ella:
What are you doing?

Janet:
Oh, nothing. Oh, Mum, by the way, we found your purse.

Stanley:
Oh, that's wonderful, darling. What a relief. Look, Stanley. Found my purse.

Ella:
Yes, dear. Your mother's been looking everywhere for that, haven't you, Ella?

Stanley:
Come along, Stanley.

George:
Has anyone got any Sellotape?

[first lines]

Janet:
Want another Weetabix?

George:
How many have I had?

Janet:
Nineteen.

George:
Go on then, make it a round twenty.

Janet:
Yeah, we don't want you fading away.

Janet:
But if Mr Right came along?

Mrs Raven:
There is no Mr Right. There's only Mr Crap, Mr Tit, and their friend Mr Total Tosser. The only good place for a man's on a mortuary slab.

[last lines]

Janet:
Very good, George. You're really getting the hang of it now.

George:
This is great!

Janet:
Now, slow down; there's some traffic up ahead.

George:
Traffic? No problem, baby.

George:
What's the time difference on Ultron?

Arnie:
Ninety-four light-years.

George:
I hope they're still up.

Janet:
[about Piers] He's convinced he's going to lose his job as the Breakfast Television doctor. Which he will if the press find out he's got no patients. It'd be like find out that Alan Titchmarsh had tarmacked over his garden.

George:
He does know I'm only doing it to get a car? I'm not trying to do him down.

Janet:
Oh, I know. Though that is a bonus.

George:
I know; it's brilliant.

Tyler:
I meant to get here an hour ago, only I forgot the clocks went forwards.

Stanley:
The clocks didn't go forward.

Tyler:
Clocks always go forwards.

George:
Everyone on Earth is completely safe for at least the next two months.

Janet:
That's ridiculous!

Cassie:
It's true, Mummy. I've looked into the future, and I can only see one humanitarian catastrophe.

George:
What?

Cassie:
The new Westlife single.

George:
Even I can't prevent that.

Janet:
What about those nuclear weapons that were stolen last week?

George:
I've recovered them, and I've put them in a secret place where nobody will ever find them.

Janet:
Where?

George:
I can't say. But don't touch anything in the bathroom.

Ella Dawkins:
Mrs Raven, it's not actually my job to advise you on how to mistreat children.

Mrs. Raven:
That's a shame, 'cause you're very good at it.

[first lines]

George:
[George enters carrying several statuettes] I'm back.

Janet:
So, did you win anything?

George:
Six bravery awards, Janet, including top life-saver, best crowd rescue, and least scared in an exploding dairy situation.

Janet:
Another clean sweep, then.

George:
Uh, not quite. When it came to most daring single rescue, they gave it to a snotty eight-year-old who rescued his dad from the jaws of a crocodile.

Janet:
Oh, well, sounds as if he deserved it.

George:
Ah, he was nothing but a big cry-baby; at least he was when I took the award off him.

George:
Come on, it's easy for you to be brave, George. You're indestructible; you've got nothing to fear.

George:
I'm not that keen on showers.

Janet:
After we saw 'Psycho'?

George:
No, after I walked in on Arnie and Mrs Raven.

Ella:
Now remember, Janet, it's a Thursday we're coming to dinner, so no red meat for Stanley.

Janet:
Anything else?

Ella:
Yes: no pork, no chicken, no duck, no fish.

Janet:
What about platypus?

Ella:
Don't be facetious, darling. You know we don't eat anything Australian on principle.

Janet:
I thought doctors were supposed to be upstanding members of the community, people who could be trusted.

Piers:
Really? How quaint. You must be thinking of fishmongers.

[last lines]

George:
That wasn't me being invisible, Janet. I just cut off my head to check I really was indestructible.

Janet:
Oh, of course. [picks up a shoe] Well, you won't feel this, then, will you!

[first lines]

[the alarm clock goes off and George smashes it to bits]

Janet:
George!

George:
Sorry, Janet. Can't control my super-strength while I'm sleeping.

Janet:
Maybe we should switch sides.

George:
We can't. That's your side. It's traditional. Like the alarm going off at 7:49, and at 7:52 me making you a cup of tea, boiled by my thermo-breath to exactly one hundred degrees.

Janet:
Yes, and at 7:53 the roof of my mouth melting. George, do you think we're getting too routine and predictable?

George:
No, not at all. And I wish you wouldn't keep saying that every fifth Tuesday.

Janet:
We are; we're in a rut; we're boring.

George:
Actually, I feel a bit sorry for her. I mean, it's not hard to see why she's come. Poor girl.

Janet:
Poor girl!

George:
Yeah, you only have to look at her. Honestly, how is a girl who looks like that ever going to find a husband?

Janet:
George, here on Earth a girl who looks like that could get anyone's husband.

George:
Really? Even with those long shapely legs and those boring perfectly spherical breasts? What a ridiculous planet this is! I don't need legs and breasts, Janet; I've got you.

Janet:
Thanks very much!

George:
To Ultronians it's the purity of the mind and the goodness of the heart that dictates beauty, and that's why I love *you*, Janet.

Janet:
Oh, George.

George:
Plus you've a really lovely arse.

Janet:
George.

George:
Sorry. Earth standards rubbing off a bit there.

Janet:
Xil. We need a talk. A frank talk. Woman to alien hell-cow.

Xil:
Uh-huh. So long as it doesn't get personal.

Xil:
Hey, Janet, I'm sorry about nicking your boyfriend. Life's a b*tch, isn't it?

Janet:
Takes one to know one, Xil.

[last lines]

George:
Janet, you never gave up hope, even when it looked like I was a lost cause.

Janet:
George, you're my favorite lost cause. Besides, I had a good teacher. Someone who never gives up himself, who faces impossible odds every day and overcomes them.

George:
Who? Your mother's aerobics instructor?

Janet:
No, you.

Arnie:
Listen, maybe you ought to marry this Xil dame. I mean, Janet's great, but kids of alien parents always have a tough time.

George:
True... although Janet Street-Porter's done quite well for herself.

[first lines]

Janet:
Hi, George. Been anywhere nice?

George:
Alice Springs, Bangladesh, Lima, and Venice. It was a quiet night.

Janet:
George, you haven't, have you?

George:
Well, just a little something. [he pulls a model gondola from behind his back]

Janet:
Oh, George. It's very sweet of you, but you really don't have to bring me back a souvenir from every trip.

Arnie:
Listen, I know women. In the last three months I've had seventeen successful relationships.

[last lines]

[George sniffs]

Janet:
Oh no, George, not again.

George:
You smell prettier than a cinnamon and apple pie.

Janet:
[laughs] I thought it was another earthquake.

[George blows the light switch off]

George:
It could well be.

[His hands are on fire]

George:
Janet darling, what do I do about this?

[first lines]

Stanley:
Is Ollie going to be OK?

Piers:
He was just a bit under the weather, but I think he responded to my natural authority with children.

Janet:
You see, mum. I said he was fine. [removes a 'Kick Me' sign from Piers's back]

Piers:
He might be a bit lacking in vitamins. He just needs to eat plenty of greens.

Ella:
Aah, isn't this nice. Let me take a photo, now we're all one big happy family.

Janet:
Except Piers isn't family, mum. I'm married to *George*.

Ella:
I can dream.

Mrs Raven:
I'll have to start going to church again.

Janet:
Again?

Mrs Raven:
I used to go regularly, just to throw confetti.

Janet:
Aaah. I do like a good wedding.

Mrs Raven:
This was at funerals.

Tyler:
So, how'd it go last night?

Janet:
You should have come! George served up compost.

George:
It was either that or tofu, and no-one should ever have to eat that.

[last lines]

George:
What a day.

Janet:
Mmm, thirty-five ice ages in ten hours is quite a day.

George:
Too far one way, then too far the other. It was like being in the shower.

Janet:
But it's OK now?

George:
Of course. Now, can I make the earth move just for you?

Janet:
Not if you use that old line you can't. [goes to the window to close it] George, why are there five moons?

George:
Oh. I thought it would be better for everybody if I moved us to another galaxy altogether. I've worked it out: it means no more global warming, no need for an ozone layer, and guaranteed harmony with nature.

Janet:
Well, brilliant.

George:
Oh, except for the five-foot moths.

[first lines]

Janet:
George, you've been out here half an hour; come on in.

George:
I can't.

Janet:
What do you mean you can't?

George:
Well, you know I had to rescue that boat from the Arctic.

Janet:
Yes?

George:
Which meant I had to fly very low over the magnetic north pole.

Janet:
So?

George:
[raises his arm and the car his hand is resting on rises with the hand] I've become magnetic, Janet.

George:
I can't get into the kitchen.

Janet:
Every husband's dream. "I'd love to help you with the washing up, darling, but my magnetic field won't let me."

George:
I'll get some pills on Ultron to sort me out. I'll get them tomorrow.

Janet:
In the meantime I have to do everything!

George:
Oh, good point. I'll get them next week.

Janet:
Do you really think that he can be Piers's son?

Hugo Blisset:
Morning, Janet. Look, Dad tells me your husband prefers guys. So, if your fire's going out and you want it stoking, give me a call. Ciao.

Janet, Mrs Raven:
Yeah, that's Piers's son.

[last lines]

Janet:
What about the magnetism?

George:
Oh yeah. I've taken more pills. I think I'm fine.

Ella:
Janet. You know you said you needed some new cutlery. Well, we've got this spare set doing nothing.

Janet:
Oh. Well, actually...

[Ella opens her purse and several knifes fly out and stick in George]

George:
Nope, must have taken too many.

[first lines]

Janet:
Ollie, do you remember I told you I had a great aunt who's worth a fortune? [holds up vase] Well, look what she's left me.

Ollie:
Didn't she like you much?

Janet:
It's Quing dynasty! George, explain to him what that means.

George:
It's made in China, so it's rubbish.

Janet:
It's not rubbish! It's worth a lot of money!

Janet:
What are you up to?

George:
Just writing your end-of-year report.

Janet:
My what?

George:
Not you personally, Janet. Humanity. I have to do it for the Ultron Council.

Janet:
[looking at report] Art: very poor!

Ollie:
Have you *seen* the Turner Prize?

Janet:
French: hopeless. You think we're hopeless at French?

George:
No, I think the *French* are hopeless.

Janet:
Fair enough.

Arnie:
You call the Ultron Council and ask them to bestow upon you the ancient power of Mascara.

Janet:
Of course, the ancient power of Mascara!

Janet:
What does that go with: the mighty force of lip gloss? The super strength of blusher?

George:
Look, Janet, this is a serious power.

Janet:
Well, you shouldn't have a silly name for it, then. Like that rule about invisibility.

George:
There's nothing silly about the third law of Bisto. Hmph. It happens to govern our planet.

Janet:
And keep your food moist.

George:
Look, using Mascara could place me in great danger.

Janet:
Especially in Northolt on a Saturday night.

George:
They want to save all the good people in the world and rehouse them on Ultron.

Janet:
How many's that?

George:
Forty-three. I've got a list here.

Janet:
Geri Halliwell? They're saving Geri Halliwell?

George:
She's really nice, Janet.

Janet:
Jennifer Lopez.

George:
She must be nice too.

Janet:
Angeina Jolie.

George:
Look, Janet, don't question the Ultron Council. It's made up of ten elderly men who know exactly what they're doing.

Janet:
You're telling me!

[last lines]

Janet:
George, please tell me you haven't just sold my priceless vase for *one thousand* pounds.

George:
No, I did not; how dare you! [pause] I'm getting good at this lying.

[first lines]

Pete:
Blimey, someone's had a right go at this. How'd this happen?

Janet:
It was the baby.

Pete:
The baby?

Janet:
He sneezed.

[pause]

Janet:
And I jumped back against the window with a, uh, something heavy.

Pete:
Like a sledgehammer?

Janet:
Yes! A sledgehammer. Must be more careful in future.

[last lines]

George:
Here, I brought you some cake. You can share it with whoever you like.

Janet:
Are you sure?

George:
Oh, yeah. I'm cured. Mrs Raven? [he offers her the cake] Piers, would you like a slice of cake?

Mrs Raven:
Hello, Arnie.

George:
You all right, Janet? Not still nervous?

Janet:
No. It's just that when you said we were going to see an Ultronian counsellor I expected to go to Ultron, not Bedford.

George:
She's a part-time practice here, for Ultronians on Earth who are having trouble with their marriages.

Janet:
There can't be that many.

George:
She's spent a lot of time lately with Tom and Nicole.

Janet Dawkins:
Oh, look, Operation! That was my favorite.

Ella Dawkins:
You have to take all that man's organs out with a pair of tweezers.

Mrs. Raven:
NHS patient, is he?

Arnie:
Hold on to your hats. Hilary is a bad guy.

Janet:
[sarcastically] No! You don't say!

Arnie:
I do say. Get a load of his Superhero Academy record. Pranks. Reprimands. He's been hauled over the coals so many times he uses barbecue sauce for aftershave.

[last lines]

Ella:
Right, Janet, I've abandoned the diet, so no more seeing more than one of...

[first lines]

Janet Dawkins:
Mmm. George, you're a bit lively considering you just got back from night patrol.

Hilary:
Oh, Janet, you were all I could think of while I was clearing up that toxic waste.

Janet Dawkins:
That is so romantic. [they kiss] Mmm, you should clear up toxic waste more often.

George:
Ah, hello, Janet. Am I interrupting anything?

Hilary:
Pleased to meet you. My name's Hilary.

Arnie:
She knows her stuff. She was web mistress of the Health Centre website.

Tyler:
Didn't know the Health Centre had a website.

Mrs. Raven:
They haven't now. The Health Authority objected to my special feature on euthanasia. Fifty Ways to Kill Your Lover.

[first lines]

George:
Sorry I was a bit late, Janet, but it's not easy carrying an entire ocean liner.

Janet:
No, they are quite heavy, I suppose.

George:
The weight's not the problem. It's the passengers throwing up over the side. And then on the way back I had to capture the ringleaders of that Chinese triad.

Janet:
I know, George. [she kisses his cheek] And I'm very proud of you. It's just... you really must stop bringing your work home with you.

[they walk past three Chinese men bound and gagged on the sofa]

[last lines]

George:
Janet? Remember that booklet I gave you?

Janet:
Yes?

George:
Well, what it didn't say was that an Ultron month is the equivalent of an Earth day.

Janet:
That's not true, is it?

George:
No, it isn't. Well, why don't we just forget all about it?

Janet:
Oh, George, how can I forget all about it?

George:
I'll try not to make all your hair fall out.

Tyler:
Got any coffee I can borrow?

George:
I don't drink coffee.

Tyler:
I don't drink coffee either. It's a drug. It messes with your brain.

George:
Why do you want some then?

Tyler:
I'm flying to Neptune and I need it to fuel the rockets.

George:
I've just erased a doctor's entire medical knowledge.

Arnie:
Heh! I did that for a bet once. The guy practiced for another 20 years!

Avril:
He's out. He's got a job to do, and then he's seeing that girlfriend. She works for some TV doctor.

Piers:
Yes, I know. In fact...

Avril:
He's not at all nice, I've heard. My mother says he's conceited on the television; she can't look at him without feeling physically sick.

Piers:
Yes, well, I'm sure his patients think he's marvellous.

Avril:
She is one of his patients.

[first lines]

George:
Wow! Janet!

Janet:
[gasps at sight of the Thermoman Action Figure display] Oh, it's amazing isn't it! Just think, you're in toy shops all over the world.

George:
They've made me bald. Why have they made me bald?

Janet:
They haven't made you... Oh yes, so they have. They don't know what you look like underneath your helmet, you see?

George:
Well, I don't look like this. And they've given me lipstick.

Janet:
Just overdone it with the paint, that's all.

George:
I look like a bald-headed girl. [Janet chuckles] It's not funny, Janet.

[last lines]

Janet:
That Father Christmas you got was *great*! At first I thought he was too grumpy to be believable, but he was perfect.

George:
It's very good of him to come, really, 'cause he's normally asleep on Christmas day.

Tyler:
Welcome back, Master. Was it the floods in Japan?

George:
No, an office party in Melbourne. A couple was locked in the stationery cupboard. It was very strange; they hardly knew each other, yet they had no clothes on.

Janet:
Christmas, George.

George:
Ah, they were worshiping Jesus, then.

Janet:
I doubt it.

George:
They called out his name a lot.

George:
I think we over-estimated Mrs Raven's lifetime supply of gin.

Janet:
*Over*-estimated?

George:
Yeah, if she carries on at that rate, she'll be dead by next week.

[first lines]

[George is reading 'The A-Z of Human Behaviour']

Janet:
George. Does this skirt make me look a bit fat?

George:
No, not at all - if you're an elephant.

Janet:
That wasn't quite the answer I was looking for.

George:
It's a joke. I'm doing sarcasm this week. It says here it can be hugely funny. But not in this case, obviously.

Janet:
By the way, my mum's coming over later.

George:
That's fantastic news!

Janet:
No, George, that's not sarcasm; that's just plain lying.

George:
I love my school reunions. The last one we had was on Pluto's second moon. It was such a wild night.

Janet:
But there's only one moon 'round Pluto.

George:
Like I said, it was a wild night.

Janet:
You broke a moon! [George nods] Where's the party this year?

George:
Croydon.

Janet:
Oh. That's all right then.

George:
Arnie's organising it this year, so it's up to him to keep everybody in order.

Janet:
Isn't that a bit like leaving Pavarotti in charge of the pies?

Janet:
Your cousin Aphrod is married to a fish woman. A six foot pilchard called Mitzi's going to stand out in Croydon.

George:
Arnie's thought of that. This year we're having the reunion at a sci-fi convention. You'll probably be the weirdest one there.

[last lines]

Janet:
George. I know I was completely under Piers's control, but I still feel guilty about all that kissing.

George:
All that kissing? I thought it was just once. How many times?

Janet:
Well, fifteen actually.

George:
You counted!

Janet:
I couldn't help myself.

George:
Of course not. I completely understand.

Janet:
Do you really?

George:
No, but I'm getting good at this sarcasm thing.

Janet:
You're jealous again, aren't you?

George:
Yes, I am. Excuse me, I need to go for another stomp.

Janet:
[looking at the moon] Don't break that one, George. It's the only one we've got.

George:
What age were they then?

Mrs Raven:
Six... six... six.

[first lines]

George:
Morning, darling.

Mrs Raven:
Good morning, George.

George:
[jumps out of bed] Ooo ooo-ooo!

Mrs Raven:
What's the matter, darling?

George:
Where's Janet?

Mrs Raven:
Who?

George:
Janet? Janet!

Piers:
It's the, uh, TV Doctor of the Year awards, [reads] 'celebrating excellence in the visual presentation of contemporary medical issues', and I'm up in the Sexiest Haircut category.

Janet:
Oh. Good luck. Robert Winston can't win every year.

[last lines]

George:
Ah, the nights are my own again. Who cares what I dream about. [gets into bed] Aah. I do love you, darling, and I'll always be here for you.

Mrs Raven:
Well, just until mum's back in prison.

[George screams in terror]

[first lines]

Janet:
Cassie, will your dad be home soon?

Cassie:
Any minute now.

Janet:
Is this one of your prophetic visions?

Cassie:
No, he always arrives back just after you've scraped his lunch into the bin.

Janet:
I did warn him. If he can't get home on time...

George:
How many citizen's arrests have I made this month?

Janet:
Uh, four hundred and nine.

George:
And how many people did they actually charge?

Janet:
One. You, for wasting police time.

George:
And was I wasting police time?

Janet:
Yes! You can't arrest someone for eating crisps in a library.

George:
He was disturbing the peace, Janet. You know, I believe in zero tolerance.

Janet:
You even arrested my mother for double parking.

George:
I also believe in having fun.

Ella:
Come on, Stanley. Better get back to the car. Don't want another parking ticket. Arresting your own mother-in-law, George. I was not amused. [she exits]

Stanley:
I was.

Janet:
What *are* you wearing?

Piers:
It's the Warhol look.

Mrs Raven:
It's the something-hole look.

[last lines]

Janet:
We need to keep a bit of a low profile.

George:
Why?

Janet:
You know the Wolf's other art thefts? Well, apparently he'd been keeping the *originals* in his hideout.

George:
You mean...

Piers:
Right. Well, let's start the auction. Ahem. Who'll give me a tenner for these lovely sunflowers?

Janet:
[raising her hand] Um.

[first lines]

Janet:
Busy evening?

George:
Huge fire in a chemical factory in the East End. Tipped a water-tower over it.

Janet:
You clever thing. What would they do without you?

Newsreader:
And finally, filming of 'London's Burning' was disrupted today when Thermoman unexpectedly put the fire out. Producers say it was the biggest effect they've ever attempted and will cost thousands to re-stage.

George:
I thought the cameras were for me.

Tyler:
I saw Godzilla at the theatre last night; it was amazing.

George:
Really!

Tyler:
Yeah, he was sitting behind me. This enormous great lizard. He made a terrible noise eating his popcorn.

[last lines]

Janet:
[about George's father] Poor old thing.

George:
He's not really that bad, I suppose.

Janet:
No, I suppose he isn't.

George:
So, you wouldn't mind if he came and stayed sometime?

Janet:
No, I suppose not. Sometime.

Seamus:
That couch is killing my back, George. Shove over a bit. [climbs into bed with them] Aaah!

[first lines]

Janet:
[to teenager with severe acne] This ointment should help to clear them up, but don't you worry. People don't notice them nearly as much as you think.

Teenager:
I've got to fix another appoint...

Mrs Raven:
Oh! [recoils] Look at those whoppers! I'll put you in for nine o'clock Monday. Come in the back way so you don't frighten the other patients.

Ella:
If he's from another planet, is he... you know... as other men?

Janet:
More or less. He's got two hearts, and a couple of things are a bit bigger, that's all.

Ella:
Aye?

Janet:
Mmm. His lungs and his, um... navel, for some reason. Other than that he's just the same as Dad.

Ella:
Oh. You poor girl.

[last lines]

Janet:
I'm sorry my parents hate you again.

George:
Oh, that's okay. It was nice while it lasted.

Janet:
I'll have another go at Dad. Persuade him to let you play with his train set.

George:
Ah, thanks.

Janet:
Then maybe we can get rid of this one.

Ella:
[preening] I play a young bride-to-be. And the director says I'm very convincing. Anyway, you'll soon see for yourselves. *I* think it's going to be one of the NADS' best productions.

George:
The nads?

Piers:
The good old Northolt Amateur Dramatic Society.

George:
But that's GONADS.

George:
Let's go and loosen that nut.

Stanley:
I'm in. I didn't mean you had to get all togged up and everything. Won't you be a bit conspicuous in the Vauxhall?

George:
We're not going by car, Stanley.

Stanley:
You mean... [poses on one leg with arms out] "To infinity and beyond!"

[first lines]

Janet:
Here we are, darling. This is your home for the next few days; yes, it is. Now, go and see Uncle Georgie; Uncle Georgie loves little doggies. Oh, George, come down off the table; it's only a dog.

Mrs Raven:
And another thing, what about the baby?

Janet:
What about the baby?

Mrs Raven:
Babies and pets, recipe for absolute disaster.

Janet:
Oh, really!

Mrs Raven:
First thing that the health visitor said to me when I had the triplets: "I'm sorry, Mrs Raven, but you're going to have to get rid of that python."

Janet:
That's a python.

Mrs Raven:
Hm, it was really hard when we had to part. I kept flushing, but it just would not go.

Janet:
[George has eaten the dog's food] It was horse-meat, George; you were eating *horse-meat*.

George:
You should get it more often; it was delicious.

Janet:
It's not fit for human consumption.

George:
I'm not human.

Janet:
Besides, we don't eat horses in this country. We ride horses. We have a special bond with them. So we don't eat them.

George:
You just chop them up so your dogs can eat them.

Janet:
Yes! [pause] There's no logic to it.

George:
You're telling me! 'Cause you love eating fish, but when I brought home those goldfish you refused to cook them.

Janet:
I know.

George:
And what about dog? Have you ever eaten dog?

Janet:
Well, of course I've never eaten dog!

George:
Well, you don't know what you're missing. I had one in China once. Yum-yum.

Janet:
George!

George:
No, that was his name.

Mrs Raven:
[on telephone] It's Northolt Health Centre here, Mrs Lucas. Your husband made an appointment to see Dr Crispin at four o'clock today, and it's now four thirty. Well, I was just wondering: is he thinking of popping along at all, or does he just fix up appointments as some sort of sick joke?

Mrs Raven:
I see. And when did the death occur?

Mrs Raven:
An hour ago. It didn't occur to you, I suppose, to phone up and cancel the appointment.

Mrs Raven:
It's all very well saying sorry now, but the damage is done. [hangs up] It's all self, self, self with some people!

Janet:
Why didn't you come to bed last night?

George:
I just thought you'd have another go at me.

Janet:
Yeah, I would've had another go at you; that's what I wanted. I'm a woman. When I'm cross I want to rant on and on making the same point again and again and again, and all you do is spoil things by keeping out of the way.

George:
Do you want a go at me now?

Janet:
No, I can't be bothered now, damn it!

[last lines]

Dog at Door:
[barking, subtitled] Malcolm says you run a pet rescue service.

[last lines]

George:
So, what do you say? Shall we have a go at the old relationship thing? Give it a bash?

Janet:
You silver-tongued charmer. Just one thing though, George; do you do everything at the speed of light?

George:
No.

Janet:
Good.

[they kiss, and start rising]

Janet:
Ah!

[first lines]

Newsreader:
On a happier note, Nurse Janet Dawkins returned home earlier today to Northolt in West London. Janet's the lucky practice nurse who just three days ago was rescued by the world's favourite superhero, Thermoman, when a freak gust of wind blew her into the Grand Canyon. We can see her here in his big, powerful, muscular arms, gazing gratefully into his eyes.

Arnie:
What are you getting? Earthquake? Forest fire?

George:
No, meteor.

Arnie:
Ah, I guess Janet'll have to wait.

George:
And it's heading straight for *Belgium*.

Arnie:
I guess Janet don't have to wait.

Piers:
So, Mrs Raven, you doing anything remotely interesting tonight?

Mrs Raven:
I'm taking the triplets to see the exorcist.

Piers:
Hm. Great movie.

Mrs Raven:
Who's talking about the movie?

[first lines]

George:
[sniffs] Lilliput. No, that's the book I'm reading. [sniffs] Kazakhstan. Janet! Oh, not again. [he goes to the bathroom door] Janet!

Janet:
What?

George:
I need to go!

Janet:
You'll just have to control yourself.

George:
No. I can't. I need to go to Kazakhstan. That's the eighth time you've been in there since supper.

Janet:
Can't you change into your thermo-gear out there?

George:
No!

Janet:
Why not?

George:
I don't know, I just can't. Heroes of Ultron transform in the bathroom; it's the rule, Janet.

George:
Aw, Janet, I'm so pleased you're not still angry with me.

Janet:
Angry! Let's go flying. We could be the first people to join the Mile High Club without a plane.

Tyler:
I'm not mad. People who worship Elvis are mad, not me. 'Cause I saw Elvis last week, pushing a trolley full of pies 'round Tesco, and he's not worth worshiping.

[last lines]

Janet:
So, let me get this right. Ultron pregnancies last six *days*.

George:
Yeah. More than a week and we start to induce. Can't, I can't believe it takes nine months on Earth. [laughs]

Janet:
And I am expecting my first baby... on Sunday.

George:
I know. Exciting, isn't it?

Janet:
Not quite the word I'd use. And what was that sudden whoof.

George:
Ah, that was just a growth spurt.

Janet:
A growth spurt, of course. Better get some sleep then.

George:
Good night, Mummy.

Janet:
Good night, Mr Full-of-surprises.

[Janet suddenly bounces out of bed]

George:
Ah, darling; it's kicking.

George:
How on earth did you get pregnant, Mrs Raven?

Mrs Raven:
A night of passion and a lifetime of regret.

George:
A night of passion!

Mrs Raven:
It's a cocktail. Two parts tequila, three parts... a lot more tequila.

[first lines]

Janet:
Come on, George. Let's get it home before the frozen stuff thaws.

George:
Don't worry about that, Janet.

Mrs Raven:
[about the triplets] They're at that difficult age: too old for borstal, too young for prison.

George:
Bye-bye, don't be stranger.

Ella:
You mean don't be *a* stranger.

George:
I know what I mean.

George:
Janet! Thermoman can't charge for his services! A super-hero must not beg.

Janet:
Well, you've been breaking that rule every night for the past month.

George:
But not dressed as Thermoman. Well, except for last Tuesday.

[last lines]

George:
Just taken back Tyler's scorpion. You should've seen his little face light up. Tyler was quite pleased, too. Still, glad the day's over. The night is young. [gets into bed] Ah. Fancy playing the duchess and the chauffeur?

Stanley:
No, I bloody don't!

Janet:
George, we're in the other room.

George:
Have you had another spat with Mrs Dawkins?

Stanley:
Yes, and I'm not going home till she apologizes.

George:
Right. Janet! Get Tyler's scorpion! We need to visit your mother.

Mrs Raven:
You tricked me! I should have realized that you'd never know what to do if confronted by a poisonous insect!

George:
What I normally do is say: "Good morning, Mrs Raven."

Janet Dawkins:
[George has misplaced President George W. Bush while rescuing him from a car accident] Have you checked in all the places you could have left him?

George Sunday:
Mm-hmm, Mexico, New Zealand, Egypt.

Janet Dawkins:
Have you checked here in the flat?

George Sunday:
I'm not stupid, Janet.

Janet Dawkins:
You're incredibly stupid! You've lost the President of the United States!

George Sunday:
He wasn't that good a president.

[first lines]

Janet:
Ah, you poor, poor thing. How's my little baby feeling now, huh?

Ollie:
A bit feverish, Mummy.

Janet:
Say 'ah'.

Ollie:
Aaaah. [he spurts flame like a dragon]

Janet:
Yeah, maybe just a little. Would you like some milk?

Ollie:
Yes please. In a chocolate Nesquik.

Thermoman:
Mr Trench, it's come to my attention that certain things are being said about me. Therefore, I've decided to set the record straight once and for all. I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

Arnie:
George, they didn't believe the last guy.

Ollie:
You've really done it now, Daddy.

Janet:
Why couldn't you just keep your Ultronian mouth shut?

George:
All I was trying to say was...

Janet:
George, people like Kevin Trench never let the facts get in the way of an exclusive. It was him who broke the story about Ann Widdicombe and Sting.

George:
You mean the newspapers sometimes print things that aren't true!

Ollie:
Give that man a coconut!

[last lines]

Thermoman:
Evening, Mr Trench.

Kevin Trench:
Oh, at last. You get me off this bloody tower?

Thermoman:
Despite everything you've done, Mr Trench, it is my duty to rescue all human beings.

[Trench sighs in relief]

Thermoman:
But not tabloid journalists. Bye.

Kevin Trench:
No! Come back!

Ollie:
Nice one, daddy.

Thermoman:
Thanks, son.

Janet Dawkins:
Thermoman would be proud of you.

Ella Dawkins:
Oh, no comparison Janet. He goes and rescues every Tom, Dick and Harry. He doesn't exercise any taste or judgement.

George Sunday:
I know, but ...

Stanley Dawkins:
We rescue selectively.

Janet Dawkins:
Selectively?

Ella Dawkins:
British people.

Stanley Dawkins:
And polite people.

Ella Dawkins:
Well, our sort of people. No riff-raff with bad manners and common accents.

Janet Dawkins:
So, on this cruise liner who haven't you rescued?

Ella Dawkins:
Oh, well the crew, obviously. I mean they didn't speak any English.

Janet Dawkins:
Mom!

Ella Dawkins:
Naughty children.

Janet Dawkins:
*Mom!*

Ella Dawkins:
And loud, fat Americans.

Janet Dawkins:
Oh yeah, fair enough.

[first lines]

Mr Lawrence:
I've, uh, come for my blood test.

Janet:
Oh, Mr Lawrence; shouldn't keep you too long.

Mr Lawrence:
I've been very good. Um, wife and I haven't made love for ten days, as instructed.

Janet:
Instructed by who?

Mr Lawrence:
By your receptionist, Mrs Raven. She said it was vital that we abstain for ten days before my test so that the, uh, my blood doesn't get overheated.

Janet:
Ah, did she?

Mr Lawrence:
Yes, I've been doing the other things as well, you know; having three cold baths a day; running round the garden naked.

Janet:
Right. Anything else she's told you?

Mr Lawrence:
She said it was vital that I get rid of impurities, so she told me to stop eating five days ago.

Janet:
And you did!

Mr Lawrence:
Not a crisp has passed these lips.

Janet:
Right. Right. Well, if you'd like to take as seat.

Mr Lawrence:
Yes, I wouldn't mind; I feel a little faint.

Ella:
Every morning I think today is going to be the best day of my life. And then he wakes up.

Stanley:
Believe me, I try not to.

Ella:
So the first thing I see every morning is that horrible moustache.

Stanley:
Well, you shouldn't look in the mirror, then.

Janet:
Come back as Thermoman and kiss the Thermo-breath of life into my parents and Mrs Raven. [George looks sceptical] George, what's better: you kiss them, or they die an agonizing death? - No, don't answer that, just do it!

[last lines]

Ollie:
When Daddy sucked the powers out of Granny and Grandpa, did he suck anything else?

Janet:
What do you mean?

George:
Got to go; some Amazonian peasants are trapped in rising flood waters. No, it's OK.

Janet:
Why? They're safe?

George:
No, they're *peasants*, Janet. Got to have some standards!

Ollie:
See what I mean?

George:
I think I'll take in a round of golf instead.

George:
You know it's strictly forbidden for me to profit from my powers. You don't want me to receive a visit from the... [looks around] Lord High Arbiter of Abuser of Power.

Janet:
Who's he?

George:
He's the enforcer of the Ultronian Code. Not like your judges here on Earth, Janet. He's an ignorant old bigot who dispenses soap-box justice entirely on a whim.

Janet:
Sounds a lot like our justices here on Earth.

Ella:
Well, the key to a successful marriage is communication.

Stanley:
Exactly. The important thing...

Ella:
Be quiet, Stanley!

[last lines]

Janet:
Did you get rid of all those begging letters?

George:
Definitely. There was even one for you, asking for five thousand pounds. But I just wrote back to them and told them to get stuffed.

Janet:
Well done, George.

George:
By the way, who *are* the Inland Revenue?

Tyler:
You all right master?

George Sunday:
No. No, I'm not all right. My job has caused me to put my wife and child in great danger.

Janet Dawkins:
George, be careful with your secret, there's someone here.

Arnie:
He's a Jehovah's Witness! Who's going to listen to him?

[first lines]

George:
Don't tell me. New earrings?

Janet:
No.

George:
New jumper?

Janet:
You gave me this jumper. Come on.

George:
New teeth! They look great; you'd never know.

Janet:
You're supposed to have super observational powers.

George:
Only when there's danger nearby.

Janet:
Danger is closer than you think; now look again.

Arnie:
That's why I really want to push the envelope.

George:
Push it where?

Janet:
Well, I could think of one place.

Janet:
I'll make some tea

Arnie:
Oh, great. I'll have a lapsang souchong with a twist of lemon.

Janet:
No, you won't.

Piers:
Mrs Raven, your pay is very fair with *excellent* performance-related bonuses.

Janet:
She gets bonuses!

Piers:
Yes, twenty pounds for every day she doesn't make a patient cry.

Janet:
When did she last manage that?

Mrs Raven:
1998.

Piers:
We only had one patient all day, whom you chloroformed on arrival.

Ollie:
Daddy, why has a woman written this?

George:
It's just a contest, to get them to fill in the forms.

Janet:
[reading the form] "In twenty words or less, I would like to have dinner with Thermoman because-" That's disgusting! And much more than twenty words.

Janet:
George!

George:
It wasn't me. It was my inner monkey.

[first lines]

Janet:
We're home! George? [reads note] "Just popped out to deal with forest fires in Australia, and in Malaysia; back in four minutes. P.S. Will pick up some stamps from the post office, so make that an hour."

[last lines]

George:
Just think. Our little friend will be back with his parents on Ultron now. You know, Janet, I miss his cute little face looking up at me.

Janet:
What do you think? Should we try for another?

George:
Why not?

Janet:
Come on then.

George:
Right. [dials phone] Hello? Could I have a number for London Zoo, please.

[first lines]

Man Selling Car:
You'll, um... you'll find it's not a bad set of wheels.

George:
No, and I like the rest of the car as well. By the way, you shouldn't be embarrassed about the price; it seems fair enough to me.

Man Selling Car:
Embarrassed?

George:
Fifteen hundred, ono!

Man Selling Car:
Actually that means: or nearest offer.

George:
Of course. Well, I suppose the nearest offer I could make would be fifteen hundred and one. Would that be okay?

Man Selling Car:
Well, um, I wouldn't mind something a bit *less* near.

George:
Fifteen hundred and twenty? [pause] Fifteen hundred and fifty? [long pause] Sixteen hundred. That's all I've got.

Man Selling Car:
Done.

George:
Great. I've never bought a car before.

Man Selling Car:
You don't say.

Ella:
They've insulted me, Stanley. Why don't you ever say something? Because you never want to rock the boat! That's why!

Stanley:
I'd rock it if she was standing up in it.

[last lines]

George:
So, all back to normal. Are you sure you're all right?

Janet:
I told you; Cassie sorted me out.

George:
Good.

Cassie:
Mummy, bring me my phone immediately, and your credit cards.

Janet:
Of course, darling. That doll's house will soon be yours. Your wish is my command, oh queen of this household.

George:
All back to normal.

[post credits]

Piers:
Eleven fifty. I'll give her ten more minutes.

George Sunday:
No. It's not true. The snakes are real.

Tyler:
Don't give me that. You'd be telling me next Ant and Dec are real.

George Sunday:
Ant and Dec are real.

Tyler:
They're animatronic! Think about it, that's how they can do so many shows.

George Sunday:
No Tyler, they're real. It's Simon Cowell who's animatronic.

[first lines]

George:
OK, I want the cardiac team on standby, a defibrillation unit ready to go, EEG on max, and the Korean nurse who's in love with a married surgeon.

Janet:
You've got to stop watching ER.

Receptionist:
Just where do you think you're going?

George:
My wife is seriously pregnant.

Receptionist:
First time?

George:
Oh, yes. One go was all I needed.

Janet:
My second. My last labour only took three minutes, and they say second babies are quicker.

Receptionist:
If you'd like to go in through there, and I'll get you a midwife.

Janet:
And a net, in case he starts to fly!

Inga:
Hi, I'm Inga. I will be the perfect helper. I will make lots of phone calls, ignore the childrens, and will walk round the house dressed in my underclothing when your husband is around.

George:
Well, it sounds good to me. You're hired!

Janet:
No, George!

Tyler:
Can I have an au pair?

Janet:
No.

Ella:
Well, I hope this one's a bit brighter than Ollie.

George:
Ollie is bright. He was reading today.

Ella:
Oh, yes? Reading what?

Ollie:
Proust.

Ella:
You see, fourteen months and he still can't say any proper words.

[last lines]

Cassie:
Daddy, I've just had another...

George:
Cassie, no more visions!

Cassie:
But this is a nice vision. In three seconds you will all be very happy.

Janet:
Really? How?

[Cassie turns on the TV]

Piers:
Aaaargh! Get me out out of here! Help.

[first lines]

Ollie:
Mummy, can I ask you something?

Janet:
Of course, darling.

Ollie:
Does my bum look big in this?

Janet:
Oh... a bit. But all babies wear nappies.

George:
[offscreen] I'm home!

Janet:
Talk to you later.

Ollie:
I look like I've got half a grapefruit strapped to my bottom.

[last lines]

Janet:
Great! Just great!

[first lines]

Janet:
Time for a nappy change, Ollie.

Ollie:
Okay, Mum. I don't really need one, but I know you like to use domestic routine as an aid to parental bonding.

George:
Now, now, don't patronize your mother. She's only a poor little earth girl with a tiny little brain.

Janet:
Pass me that tub of Vaseline, would you, Ollie?

Ollie:
Have I got a rash?

Janet:
No, I just want to throw it at your father.

George:
Thanks for offering, Arnie, but I don't think I need a campaign manager.

Arnie:
Of course you do, George. A politician without a spin doctor is like a dog without fleas.

[last lines]

George:
Good night, Janet.

Janet:
Good night, George.

George:
Sorry about the poster.

Ollie:
That's OK, Dad. I thought I looked pretty good in it.

Janet:
Just go to sleep, you two. I've had enough local politics to last me a lifetime.

[the street-light begins to flicker and buzz]

Ollie:
Uh-oh. Dad!

Janet:
No, George.

[first lines]

Janet, Arnie, Tyler:
[singing] Happy birthday to you / Happy Birthday to you / Happy birthday, dear George / Happy birthday to you.

George:
Isn't it great to be three hundred and twenty-seven!

[George takes a deep breath to blow out the candles]

Janet, Arnie, Tyler:
No!

George:
Sorry, Janet, I got carried away. Those candles looked lovely.

Janet:
Yes, we had to stop when we got to three hundred; the girls at Tesco would have thought we were doing a black mass.

Tyler:
We can still do it. All you need's a chicken and a knife.

Janet:
Thanks, Tyler.

Tyler:
And a couple of virgins.

Arnie:
In Northolt?

Janet:
[on the phone] No, Mum, Grandpa George has moved on.

Janet:
What do you mean he's given Dad ideas?

Janet:
Well, just close your eyes and think of Marks & Spencer's.

[last lines]

George:
Only joking! I managed to mend it.

Janet:
Oh, George.

George:
Well, nearly. I still need to fix my tongue.

Janet:
Oh, don't worry about a tongue; I'm a nurse; let's have a look.

Hayley Fanthorpe:
Now you're interviewing me for a job; you, a television acorn.

Piers:
I think you mean icon.

Janet:
We know what she means.

Janet:
George, I know some women can be really happy with a man who's... best years are behind him.

George:
Great!

Janet:
But I'm not Catherine Zeta Jones.

Arnie:
You could go through... the flaming time-tunnel of Tarxis.

Tyler:
Been there, done that, got the T-shirt. [opens jacket showing shirt with slogan: "I went through the flaming time-tunnel of Tarxis"]

George:
So what is it?

Arnie:
It alters an Ultronians temporal field by re-jigging the age hormones. Ultronian women use it sometimes instead of a facelift.

George:
Oh, I remember. Who's that famous Ultronian?

Arnie:
Her Earth name's Joan Collins. She's been through so many times she's got a season ticket.

[first lines]

[Janet sighs deeply]

George:
[sniffing] Landslide. Toxic waste spillage. No, it's you, Janet.

Janet:
Oh, thank you.

George:
I can smell your anxiety. What is it?

Janet:
George, how old are you? You've never told me.

George:
How old am I? Huh, that's a tough question for this early in the day.

[last lines]

George:
I think Mrs Raven might regret drinking such a lot.

Janet:
Mm, she's going to wake up with a terrible hangover.

George:
She's going to wake up with Arnie, which is far worse.

George:
She seems a friendly sort.

Arnie:
She's a hooker, George!

George:
Really. God, I love rugby.

[Arnie moves off]

George:
Arnie tells me you're a hooker. It's a grand old game, isn't it? Very physical, of course; lots of body contact, but I think more women should take it up.

Carol:
Ya do, do ya?

George:
Oh, yes. Now me, I prefer to watch. Maybe I could watch you some tine. Up to now I've only watched men. I mean, there's nothing like seeing thirty men getting stuck in.

Carol:
You're sick!

George:
Nah, it's just a touch of hay-fever; thanks for asking.

[first lines]

George:
Janet. Oh, Janet.

Policeman:
You knew her, Thermoman?

George:
She was my... She was someone I rescued once. What happened?

Policeman:
A cricket ball. She must have been standing by the window, watching the game in the park. Saw the ball coming towards her; her mouth dropped open in astonishment, and... [turns Janet's head to show her dead, with a cricket ball lodged in her mouth] You mustn't blame yourself, Thermoman, but if you'd been here five seconds sooner she'd be alive now. Okay. I'm finished.

Cricketer:
Can we have our ball back, then?

Piers:
The nerve of the man! He says I'm obsessed with self-publicity.

Janet:
Piers, you'd shoot past a speed camera to have your photo taken.

[last lines]

Janet:
Night, George.

George:
Night.

Janet:
Try not to have any more nightmares, huh.

George:
I'll try.

Janet:
Don't worry about me. That's what got us into this mess in the first place.

George:
No, no more rescues. Night.

Janet:
[seeing a large tarantula on the pillow beside her] George.

George:
Hm?

Janet:
There's a spider.

George:
It's OK, Janet. You don't have to test me.

Janet:
No. George, I mean it. There's a really big spider; I can't move.

[George starts to snore]

Janet:
George! George!

[first lines]

Janet:
Ooh.

Mrs Raven:
What is it?

Janet:
Oh, it's nothing. I get this occasional twinge in my arm. I broke it when I was a child.

Janet:
Oh, don't talk to me about broken arms.

Janet:
Why?

Mrs Raven:
Cause I'm not interested.

Ollie:
Is daddy *ever* coming home, Mommy?

Janet:
I don't know, darling.

Ollie:
You did tell him to keep out of your way for a bit.

Janet:
Yes, but I didn't mean for seven years. Sometimes I think he has only half a brain.

Ollie:
That's my daddy you're talking about!

Janet:
Sorry.

Ollie:
He's got no brain at all.

Janet:
Dad! What are you doing?

Stanley:
I've started smoking again, Precious. For two very good reasons: one, I enjoy it, and, two, the doctor says it's OK.

Janet:
But Mum hates it!

Stanley:
Mm, for three very good reasons.

George:
I've looked into the future, and Prince William makes a great king.

Janet:
Good.

George:
And Kylie makes a great queen.

[last lines]

Janet:
You haven't met, have you, George? This is my brother. Arnold.

George:
Arnold? Arnie!

Arnie:
OK, so I wasn't just getting beer. She was such a tomato.

George:
Mrs Raven, this gentleman would like to book himself in for a vasectomy. You'll need a couple of bricks.

[Arnie groans]

[first lines]

George:
Now you look after yourself.

Janet:
I will. Love you.

George:
Love you too. [they kiss]

Mrs Raven:
That'll stop when they're knee-deep in nappies.

Ella:
Nappies? Janet! You're not pregnant?

Janet:
Pregnant? Course I'm not pregnant! Do I look pregnant? [Janet's belly swells up, breaking her belt] George?

George:
Yup, you look pregnant to me.

George:
What am I supposed to do, Mrs Raven? Why did you say yes to Mr Raven?

Mrs Raven:
Because before he proposed he said those three little words. Have another gin.

[last lines]

George:
Sweet little chap. Who do you think he takes after?

Mrs Raven:
Oh my God, you're going to have triplets like me.

Janet:
It's only the one.

Mrs Raven:
Trust me, that's not a baby; that's a conspiracy. You can join my group.

Janet:
What group?

Mrs Raven:
Mums Against Triplets. We go round each other's houses and stick pins in things that come in threes. Mind you that's probably how I got pregnant in the first place.

[first lines]

Janet:
Those jabs should do the trick. Have a good holiday. Mrs Legg's going to Kenya, Mrs Raven.

Mrs Raven:
Oh! Oh, I know somebody who's just been to Kenya.

Janet:
Really?

Mrs Raven:
Yeah, that malaria case this morning. Talk about ill, and she had all the jabs. Fat lot of good they did her. They nearly brought her back in a body bag. Don't go without making a will.

[last lines]

Mr Blake:
Morning, Janet.

Janet:
Morning, Mr Blake.

Ollie:
Morning, Mr Blake.

Janet:
Sh.