Ted 22015

Ted:
Sh*t. I can never get a signal in your apartment. Hey, can I use your laptop?

John:
Yeah, go ahead.

Ted:
Okay, thanks. [slides off the couch and walks into another room, then five seconds later, offscreen, yelling in shock] WHAT THE F***?!

John:
Holy sh*t, dude! What's the matter?! What happened?! What's going on?!

Ted:
[views John's laptop] There's so much porn!

John:
Well, what the hell are you doin' lookin' at my private sh*t?!

Ted:
What are you talking about, "private sh*t"?! Johnny, it was wide open! There are literally thousands of files here!

John:
Well, I've been meanin' to clear some of that out!

Ted:
Jesus Chri--! Look at the organization here! "Clockwise Rim Job"? "Counter-clockwise Rim Job"?

John:
Yeah, well, sometimes you like seein' the tongue go the other way!

Ted:
You sick bastard! Look at this! "Chicks With D*cks"?!

John:
[breaks down] Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I have a disease, all right?! I need help!

Ted:
There are no chicks with d*cks, Johnny! Only guys with tits!

John:
Well, this is such a relief! You know, I'm so glad I'm finally caught! I wanted to be caught!

Ted:
Johnny, now you listen to me. This is a wake-up call, all right? You gotta get back out there, and meet somebody, because you are spiraling outta control here.

John:
All right, all right. I will. Fine. Just stop lookin' at that sh*t, please!

Ted:
Johnny, I mean it, all right? The next chick you meet, you are gettin' back in the game.

John:
Fine. I got it. Done.

Ted:
All right. Now let's get rid of this.

John:
What, what do you mean? We'll just delete the files.

Ted:
No, no, no, no. That sh*t can always be recovered. We gotta smash your laptop with a hammer.

[they smash John's laptop outside with a hammer and a crowbar]

John:
All right, there, you happy?

Ted:
No, the circuits could still be reconstructed if somebody worked at it. We gotta bury it in the harbor.

[he and John bury the pieces of the laptop, contained within a plastic bag, in the harbor]

Ted:
Okay. We'll come back once every three months, take a dive, and check on it.