Father Ted1995

Mrs Doyle:
I never thought we'd have anyone like her staying here.

Father Ted:
Hm? Oh, Miss Clarke, yes, it's very exciting isn't it? Famous novelist, here.

Mrs Doyle:
You've never read any of her books, have you, father?

Father Ted:
Actually, I'm a bit of a fan. That's where I was the other day - at her book signing.

Mrs Doyle:
Well, I'm very surprised to hear that, father. I didn't think you'd like that sort of thing. I read a bit of one of them once. God, I couldn't finish it. The language, unbelievable!

Father Ted:
It's a bit gritty, but that's the modern world, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
Ah, it's a bit much for me, father. "Feck" this and "feck" that.

Father Ted:
[uncomfortable] Yes, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"You big bastard". Oh, dreadful language! "You big hairy arse", "You big fecker". Fierce stuff! And of course, the f-word, father, the bad f-word, worse than "feck" - you know the one I mean.

Father Ted:
[becoming exasperated] Yes, I do, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"Eff you". "Eff your 'effin' wife". Oh, I don't know why they have to use language like that. "I'll stick this 'effin' pitchfork up your hole", oh, that was another one, oh, yes!

Father Ted:
I see what you mean, Mrs. Doyle.

Mrs Doyle:
"Bastard" this and "bastard" that, you can't move for the bastards in her novels! It's wall-to-wall bastards!

Father Ted:
Is it, Mrs. Doyle?

[taking her arm and steering her out of the room]

Father Ted:
Anyway...

Mrs Doyle:
"You bastard!" You fecker!" "You bollocks!" "Get your bollocks out of my face!" It was terrible.

Father Ted:
[finally gets her through the door and closes it] Yes, you go and prepare for the nuns.

Mrs Doyle:
[from the next room] "Ride me sideways" was another one!