Golan the Insatiable2013

[first lines]

[Oak Grove Elementary]

Mrs. Budnick:
Dylan Beekler, you're up.

Dylan Beekler:
[clears throat] Ahem! Hello, underlings! For Show-and-Tell, behold my master, your rightful sovereign, Golan the Insatiable!

Golan:
[crashing through the door] Yah!

[class screams]

Dylan Beekler:
Golan will now answer any of your stupid questions!

Blond boy:
Oh oh! Do you have a job?

Golan:
I take over worlds!

Dylan Beekler:
[unimpressed] Next.

Brunette girl:
My mommy says Dylan's mommy wants to make a baby with you.

Golan:
[students hoot as, shyly] Well, I don't know all about that. Though why? What have you heard?

Mrs. Budnick:
Time is up. Take your seat, Beekler.

Golan:
Ah whoa, wait, hold on. First I got to get in a plug. I have finally finished my fearsome self-publish autobiography... [Golan hands his book to Dylan, which is almost as big as she is. She holds it aloft, proudly displaying its cover to the class] "Golan on Golan" by Golan. Here's a little preview. Dylan, read.

Dylan Beekler:
[a choir sings ominously as she intones] As you wish, Master!

[Dylan opens the book to its middle and begins]

Dylan Beekler:
"Cone- cow-ca-ca- cow. Cons - c-"

Golan:
Are you having a stroke? What the hell is the matter with you?

Mackenzie B.:
[pointing rudely] Dylan Beekler can't read!

[whole class laughs]

Girl:
She can't read!

Golan:
[incredulous] You can't read?

[Everyone laughs:
students; Golan, pointing at Dylan; even the teacher behind her hands. Dylan hides her face behind the book in shame]

Golan:
But in all seriousness, this is

Golan:
[flames erupt around Golan] completely unacceptable!