Goodnight Sweetheart1993

[Gary and Phoebe are looking at cots and prams in Harrods. Phoebe feels very out-of-place in such grand surroundings]

Phoebe:
[looking at the price of a cot] Bleedin' 'ell - you could buy a car for that!

[the shop assistant comes across to her]

Shop Assistant:
[patronisingly] I wonder, is Madam quite sure she has sufficient wherewithal for this particular item?

Phoebe:
Beg your pardon?

Shop Assistant:
It's very expensive. May I suggest that Madam would be more at home with the seconds in our remainders department.

[Phoebe looks crestfallen and complains to Gary who goes up to the assistant]

Gary:
[cockney accent] 'Scuse me, Guv. Can I 'ave a word in your shell-like? You see, me and the trouble-and-strife, we've come up West on the chara to get a few bits and pieces for our new saucepan-lid, right? But if you continue to give my ball-and-chain grief, we're gonna 'ave to get on our plates-of-meat and take our business up the frog-and-toad. No skin off my wotsit. Currant bun's out - it's a lovely day for a ball-of-chalk.

Shop Assistant:
I'm afraid I don't quite follow you.

Gary:
[posh accent] Then let me use a language I'm sure you *will* understand.

[produces a large wad of fivers]

Gary:
I am prepared to spend obscene amounts of this - but only if my good lady is fawned over, grovelled at and generally made to feel like the lady she is.

[he surreptitiously puts a wad of coupons into the assistant's hand]

Gary:
Petrol coupons. Am I making myself clear now?

Shop Assistant:
Perfectly, sir.

Shop Assistant:
[obsequiously, to Phoebe] Madam, allow me to apologise for the earlier misunderstanding. Please be assured I am your disposal just as long as you need me. Now if Madam would be so kind as to tell me what she's looking for, I will have the items brought over immediately for your perusal.

[the assistant calls for a chair to be brought over so Phoebe can sit down]

Gary:
[handing him some more coupons] Nice touch. Meat and sugar coupons. This will all have to stop when al Fayed takes over, you know.