Pets2001

Davina:
What's the matter with you?

Trevor:
Promise you won't laugh?

Davina:
I promise I won't laugh.

Trevor:
I got me growler caught on the top of a Winnie the Pooh hot water bottle. [Beat] You didn't laugh?

Davina:
That's because it isn't funny! When are you going to learn that spangling off over licensed products is the first rung on the slippery ladder to insanity! Look at the trouble we had extracting your bollocks from the screw top of that Teletubbies Thermos flask... And you had that Pok?mon sweets dispenser up your arse for a fortnight!

Hamish:
What's wrong with him now?

Davina:
He's been banging one of your hot water bottles again and his knob's stuck fast!

Hamish:
[to Trevor] You bastard! Not my Star Trek: The Next Generation hot water bottle?

Trevor:
Nope.

Hamish:
Surely not my priceless limited edition seventies reproduction Starsky and Hutch?

Trevor:
Nah.

Hamish:
My god! You've been porking Winnie the Pooh!

Davina:
And Eeyore too, by the look of it.

Hamish:
[to Trevor] Have you no shame? Is there no inhabitant of the Hundred Acre Wood that you would not consider violating? Can Christopher Robin and Piglet not sleep easy in their little beds?

Davina:
Seems to me it *might* come loose if we could just get Trevor's pink whippet to shrink in size...

Hamish:
And how do we do that?

Davina:
[to Trevor] Try thinking about your mother.

Trevor:
As a matter of fact, my mother was a very fine-looking animal...

Hamish:
Oh, I think I'm going to be sick!

Davina:
Other ideas?

Hamish:
[to Trevor] Well, just try focusing on *any* living creature or inanimate object with whom you *cannot* imagine having full intercourse.

Trevor:
Nope... Can't think of one!