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I think he wronged people and my guess is he thought he could sneak on stage and try a few minutes. I have no idea, I haven’t talked to him. I understand the backlash of it. I suppose he would know that this would get out. and I agree, if he’s going to go on stage he should address [what he did] but also you can’t practice stand-up in front of a mirror. You have to have an audience.
But I will say—and I hope this is OK to say—that after I did that [monologue], he called me. And he said it really helped one of his daughters to understand. She showed it to him and she said, I can love you even though you did bad things. And we cried. It was a small silver lining in a very bleak story.
It was the perfect fit for me, and I feel like I can live life, it wasn't something where, like, now I'm happy. I'm very lucky in that I still experience highs and lows. And I think those lows are important. But I am not totally paralyzed, and, you know, it keeps me from just complete staid paralysis.
I remember thinking I want to move home to New Hampshire. ... You just want to go home, and you don't want to do anything scary. And then I found a woman who put me on a pill called Klonopin that all it does is block panic attacks. And that really saved my life in that I was able to go to work at' Saturday Night Live' and exist through each day while I was figuring this out.
No one would dare to say a degrading remark about being black or dare to say a degrading remark on Instagram about someone being gay, but my age -- anybody and everybody would say something degrading to me. And I always think to myself, why is that accepted? What's the difference between that and racism or any discrimination? They're judging me by my age. I don't understand. I'm trying to get my head around it.
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