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Tom Zegan

Stand Up Comedian / Master Hypnotist / Certified Clinical Hypnotherapist

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I'm making some changes in my life. If you don't hear back from me . . . you're one of them. – Tom ZeganRate it:
After all has been said and done, a lot more will have been said than done. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Character is something you do when no one else is watching. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Don't forget to take life one day at a time because if you miss a day or two it's called being in a coma. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Ed Hardy called . . . he wants his clothes back! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I became a comedian because I couldn't make it as a Porn Star. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm not afraid of falling . . . I'm afraid of landing. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm working on my second million . . . I gave up on my first. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Life isn't always the way it's suppose to be, it's the way it is. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Love makes the world go round but money pays for the trip. – Tom ZeganRate it:
A Soulution to Rubik's Cube is not a series of individual good guesses, each surmounting move has twelve to one odds against success. It is a series of perplexed movements or algorithms that form a coherent method of returning back to it's original (correct) state. – Tom ZeganRate it:
All religions are a scam . . . except for yours of course. – Tom ZeganRate it:
All things happen for a reason . . . even No Reason is still a reason. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Any Terrorist living in the US will either leave or the people of the United States will eliminate you. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Does anyone know when they are going to come out with the new Mayan Calender? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Everybody wants to go to heaven . . . nobody wants to die! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Excuse me, but can you be a little more vague? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Four out of Five Dentist think that the Fifth Dentist is an idiot. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Humans are the only creatures that have the ability to forgive. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I asked God if He could hear me . . . He said "No". – Tom ZeganRate it:
I don't believe in reincarnation, but then again I didn't believe in it last time either. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I found that life will go on pretty much with or with out you. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I wish I had a million dollars for every time I wished I had a million dollars. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If you believe that the Bible has all the answers maybe you're not asking the right questions. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Most of what I know I forgot. – Tom ZeganRate it:
One time I was at the Doctors office and the Doctor asked me if I was allergic to anything. I said "Yes, poison. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There are two reasons why a person does something, one that sounds good and the real one. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Translogic: A comment or statement that sounds logical and makes sense at the time it is said but when later closely examined it actually makes no sense at all. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Even unconditional love has it's conditions. – Tom ZeganRate it:
You are not truly rich until you have something that money can't buy. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Cultural Values Determine Behavior. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I use to put ant poison on my front lawn but I actually found that putting sugar on my neighbor's lawn works just as well. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Sorry . . . I can't help stupid. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I was young my Dad told me that Alcohol kills thousands of brain cells and he said, "son . . . you're not the smartest kid in your class"! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Sex is only 10% of a Good Marriage but it's 90% of a Bad One. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Why when you have 31 Flavors stick with Rocky Road? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Five is a Four letter word. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If you really want to master something, it's best to learn from a Master. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Strangers have the best candy. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Once I had a dream that I was sleeping. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread out over a soccer field so that the kids can kick my ash. – Tom ZeganRate it:
A few years ago I made a New Years Resolution never to make another New Years Resolution again and so far it's the only one that I have actually kept. – Tom ZeganRate it:
A gift isn't yours until you take it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Alright, who's the wise guy who turned the light out at the end of my tunnel? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Are you suppose to wear swimming trunks when you are in the car pool lane? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Be sure to look out for number One while not stepping in number Two. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Charity should be given to those who need it not those who want it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Clowns taste funny. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Death is the ultimate test of ones faith. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Do you think that Jesus looked both ways before crossing? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Every 7 seconds there is a woman somewhere in the world giving birth to a child. We must find that woman and stop her! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Everybody who sets out to prove that God exists succeeds and everybody who sets out to prove that God does not exist also succeeds. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Everyone's personality is a manifestation of their combined past experiences. If you are able to observe and interpret someone's behavior, you will eventually be able to predict that person's behavior as well. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Everything is temporary! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Find happiness in your own sandbox. – Tom ZeganRate it:
FYI: There's no such place as Carmen, San Diego. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Have you ever used Diet Shampoo before? It's for people with Fat Heads. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Having a body tattoo is like wearing the same shirt everyday for the rest of your life. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Heaven called . . . we're a match! – Tom ZeganRate it:
How can they say Coming to a theater near you when they don't even know where you live? – Tom ZeganRate it:
How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he is lost? – Tom ZeganRate it:
I always try to give credit whenever credit is doo doo even thought I really don't give a crap! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I am convinced that we are here for a reason and when I figure it out I will let you know. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I am such a firm believer in the idea of "Free Press" so much that I took my neighbors newspaper off his porch this morning. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I came into this world with nothing and not much has changed. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I consider myself bilingual, I know enough Spanish to order off the menu at Taco Bell. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I don't have alzheimer's, . . . I have sometimers! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I had an out a body experience once and when I returned someone else was there. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I heard of a guy who had a heart attack and died when he realized that he had just won the Lottery! What are the odds of that? – Tom ZeganRate it:
I just finished my first book . . . I enjoyed it so much I'm thinking about reading another one. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I just realized that Disneyland was the first human maze run by a mouse. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I know what it takes to become a millionaire . . . a million bucks! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I love my kids to death . . . so far it's not working. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I might not be a Nobel Peace Prize winner but I know that the opposite of love is not indifference, it's hate. Indifference would be the fulcrum (center point) between love and hate. To think otherwise is ludicrous. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I once had a memory pillow, but I forgot where I put it! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I owned a mountain cabin once that had hot and cold running water . . . hot in the summer and cold in the winter. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I remember when I was young I had a real bad identity crisis. So one day I went to my father and I asked him "Wo Chong, was I adopted?". – Tom ZeganRate it:
I think it's funny how some people can think about eternity but the same people think that the earth is only 6,000 years old. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I think that a women has the right to kill her unborn child just as much as that child has a right to kill their mother after they are born. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I use to play the saxophone before I was married but my fiancee didn't like the fact that I was performing Premarital Sax! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I use to play the saxophone before I was married but my fiancee didn't like the fact that I was performing Premarital Sax! – Tom ZeganRate it:
I went to the Hollywood Bowl last night . . . I bowled a 126. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'd be a Vegetarian if I didn't have to give up eating meat. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm better than I was before I got as bad as I am now. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm not looking for someone who I can live with, I'm looking for someone who I can't live without. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm thinking of a number between One and Infinity. – Tom ZeganRate it:
I'm thinking of buying an aquarium and filling it up with fish so when I'm bored I can go fishing. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Idealism only works in an ideal world. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If a man can't keep his word, what good is the man? – Tom ZeganRate it:
If common sense is so common how come so many people don't have it? – Tom ZeganRate it:
If Gillette put a One after it's name it would be Gillette One. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If I had to do it all over again I'd skip the first grade. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If I wasn't here right now, I'd be somewhere else. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If you believe that God would be upset with you than maybe you need to change your concept of God. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If you can't think of the right word to say, make one up. – Tom ZeganRate it:
If you want to know something, ask my kids. They think they know everything. – Tom ZeganRate it:
In case you hadn't heard, I'm winning the human race. – Tom ZeganRate it:
In most relationships there is usually a giver and a taker. The giver will give and the taker will take until the giver can't give anymore. – Tom ZeganRate it:
It's a Recession if it's happening to other people, it's a Depression if it's happening to you! – Tom ZeganRate it:
It's called life, get use to it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
It's never to late to do the right thing. – Tom ZeganRate it:
It's not what you know, it's what they think you know. – Tom ZeganRate it:
It's your story, run with it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Its only deep if you're short. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Its time for someone to stand up and say "Stop spending all our hard earned tax dollars". – Tom ZeganRate it:
Just because you believe something is true doesn't automatically make it true. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Just think, if I was born one day earlier I would have written this yesterday. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Life isn't always fair . . . but it's sure fairer than death! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Life's not fair . . . get over it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Math Problem: What does Three take away Two equal? I can prove that Three take away Two equals Two. Don't believe me? OK, you have Three apples I take away Two apples, how many apples do I have? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Money is the consolidation and storage of energy – Tom ZeganRate it:
Money talks . . . It says you're cheap. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Money will trump morals the majority of time. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Most people choose appearance over reality. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Most people would rather take the easy road than the high road. – Tom ZeganRate it:
My ex-wife thought that the grass was greener on the other side . . . so now she's mowing someone else's lawn. – Tom ZeganRate it:
My Favorite kind of animal is a stuffed one. – Tom ZeganRate it:
My mom was a truck driver and my dad use to call her a mother trucker. – Tom ZeganRate it:
My name translated into Chinese is "Hy Yu" – Tom ZeganRate it:
My plan is to live forever, so far so good. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Never Drink and Drive . . . you might spill. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Never judge a book by it's cover . . . judge it by it's price. – Tom ZeganRate it:
New and Improved actually means that the Old Stuff actually Sucked! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Nine lives and counting. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Once I had a dog that died of lead poisoning . . . I shot him in the head. – Tom ZeganRate it:
One man's trash ends up another man's wife. – Tom ZeganRate it:
One time a waitress asked me how I wanted my eggs, I said "Cooked". – Tom ZeganRate it:
One time I bought a pound cake that weighed 14 ounces. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Paper will lie no matter what you put on it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
People are more likely to accept your ideas if you tell them that Barack Obama said it first. – Tom ZeganRate it:
People who live in Stone Houses shouldn't throw Glass. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Personally I don't care to watch a bunch of millionaires throw balls at each other. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Question for the Family Feud game show: "Name something that you can't say on TV. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Remember what I told you to forget? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Since the beginning of time man has done three things when he communicates both in speaking and in the written form. He will Generalize, Omit & Exaggerate. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Some kids wanted to be Firemen when they were growing up . . . I wanted to be a Fire Truck! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Some people believe that war brings about peace, I believe that peace brings about peace. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Some people really can't afford to give me a piece of their mind. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Some people say that you should fight fire with fire but I say you should fight fire with water. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Someone, somewhere right now is thinking about You! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Sometimes you're the windshield . . . sometimes you're the bug! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Tattoos are just one more way to identify a body. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Tattoos are just one more way to identify the body. – Tom ZeganRate it:
The average person believes that they are better than the average person. – Tom ZeganRate it:
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE”, “WEALTH is having things money can’t buy” Health and Family and Love and Friendships”!(COMPASSION)! – Tom ZeganRate it:
THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE”, “WEALTH is having things money can’t buy” Health and Family and Love and Friendships”!(COMPASSION)! – Tom ZeganRate it:
The Colon key on my keyboard doesn't work when I press down the shift button. Does anyone know of a good Colon cleanser that can help me get my shift together. – Tom ZeganRate it:
The first time I ever did stand up comedy a guy yelled out "Down in front". So I just sat down and watched the rest of the movie. – Tom ZeganRate it:
The French, they're so . . . French. – Tom ZeganRate it:
The only faith that really matters is the one that you believe in. – Tom ZeganRate it:
The only way that I can see America ever becoming a strong nation again is to stop being a debtor nation and to begin spending less than is taxed on it's people. – Tom ZeganRate it:
The President didn't vote for me so I'm not voting for him either. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There are no stupid questions except What's my name again? – Tom ZeganRate it:
There are two things I hate . . . No Three. Haters, Haters & Haters! – Tom ZeganRate it:
There are two ways to take over a country. Externally by force or Internally by fiscal collapse. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There is a big difference between Assigned Prestige and Achieved Prestige. Assigned Prestige will usually abuse it's power where Achieved Prestige won't. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There is no more powerful form of rejection than taking someone for granted. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There's a fine line between stalking and romanticly pursuing someone said my attorney to the judge. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There's no free lunch . . . unless you're an illegal alien. – Tom ZeganRate it:
There's nothing better than to have a mate that actually likes you let alone loves you. – Tom ZeganRate it:
They say keep looking up, things could get worse. So I kept looking up and sure enough things got worse. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Time is the measurement of the rotation of the Earths Surface around the Circumference of it's Axis. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Today's not my day . . . tomorrows not looking any better. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Two wrongs don't make a right but Three lefts do. – Tom ZeganRate it:
We are all Strangers . . . Some of us are just Stranger than others. – Tom ZeganRate it:
We only fear what we don't know, if we knew everything we would have no fear. – Tom ZeganRate it:
We only fear what we don't know, if we knew everything we would have no fear. – Tom ZeganRate it:
What we want we can't have and what we have we don't want. – Tom ZeganRate it:
What you do with your hands you mess up with your feet. – Tom ZeganRate it:
What's the first thing you ask for when you spill a drink? That's right, another drink! – Tom ZeganRate it:
What's the first thing you ask for when you spill a drink? That's right, another drink! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Whats right isn't always popular and whats popular isn't always right. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When all else fails blame your high school drama teacher. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When choosing between the lesser of two evils . . . choose the one that you haven't tried yet. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I die I want my tomb stone to say "See, I told you I was sick". – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I was in High School the closest I had ever been to being on the Honor Roll was Yes your Honor and No your Honor. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I was young I use to go to the beach so much my mom would call me a "Son of a Beach". – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I was young I used to date homeless chicks, they weren't very picky and at the end of the date I could just drop them off at any corner. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When I was young my parents use to move a lot . . . but I'd always find them. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When people try to bring you down they are only trying to bring you to their level. – Tom ZeganRate it:
When words can't express your true inner feelings, use hand jesters. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Whoever said "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was an idiot! – Tom ZeganRate it:
Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Why walk to work when you can take your lunch? – Tom ZeganRate it:
Wisdom is using knowledge through God's perspective. – Tom ZeganRate it:
Woke up this morning. CHECK – Tom ZeganRate it:
You don't have to motivate passion, unless you're married. – Tom ZeganRate it:
You have the right answer . . . the question is wrong. – Tom ZeganRate it:
You hear preachers say that the prosperity gospel doesn't work but I say that it's worked for the preachers who preach it. – Tom ZeganRate it:
You keep using that word "Born Again", I don't think it means what you think it means. – Tom ZeganRate it:
You'll have to forgive me, I went to public school. – Tom ZeganRate it:

I'm making some changes in my life. If you don't hear back from me . . . you're one of them.

– Tom ZeganRate it:

After all has been said and done, a lot more will have been said than done.

– Tom ZeganRate it:

Character is something you do when no one else is watching.

– Tom ZeganRate it:

Don't forget to take life one day at a time because if you miss a day or two it's called being in a coma.

– Tom ZeganRate it:

Ed Hardy called . . . he wants his clothes back!

– Tom ZeganRate it:

I became a comedian because I couldn't make it as a Porn Star.

– Tom ZeganRate it: