Famous quotes by »

A Soulution to Rubik's Cube is not a series of individual good guesses, each surmounting move has twelve to one odds against success. It is a series of perplexed movements or algorithms that form a coherent method of returning back to it's original (correct) state.

– Tom Zegan

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All religions are a scam . . . except for yours of course.

– Tom Zegan

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All things happen for a reason . . . even No Reason is still a reason.

– Tom Zegan

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Any Terrorist living in the US will either leave or the people of the United States will eliminate you.

– Tom Zegan

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Does anyone know when they are going to come out with the new Mayan Calender?

– Tom Zegan

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Evil people can not see the evil in others because of their own evil.

– Tom Zegan

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Excuse me, but can you be a little more vague?

– Tom Zegan

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Humans are the only creatures that have the ability to forgive.

– Tom Zegan

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I asked God if He could hear me . . . He said "No".

– Tom Zegan

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I don't believe in reincarnation, but then again I didn't believe in it last time either.

– Tom Zegan

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I found that life will go on pretty much with or with out you.

– Tom Zegan

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I know what it takes to become a millionaire . . . a million bucks!

– Tom Zegan

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I wish I had a million dollars for every time I wished I had a million dollars.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm not looking for someone who I can live with, I'm looking for someone who I can't live without.

– Tom Zegan

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Most of what I know I forgot.

– Tom Zegan

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One time I was at the Doctors office and the Doctor asked me if I was allergic to anything. I said "Yes, poison.

– Tom Zegan

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Socialism is the ultimate ponzi scheme.

– Tom Zegan

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Sometimes it's the educated people that are the stupidest people.

– Tom Zegan

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There are two reasons why a person does something, one that sounds good and the real one.

– Tom Zegan

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This is my backup plan.

– Tom Zegan

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Translogic: A comment or statement that sounds logical and makes sense at the time it is said but when later closely examined it actually makes no sense at all.

– Tom Zegan

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Two wrongs don't make a right but Three lefts do.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm making some changes in my life. If you don't hear back from me . . . you're one of them.

– Tom Zegan

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Ugly people look prettier in the dark.

– Tom Zegan

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Sometimes even destiny takes time.

– Tom Zegan

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Even unconditional love has it's conditions.

– Tom Zegan

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You are not truly rich until you have something that money can't buy.

– Tom Zegan

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I had an out a body experience once and when I returned someone else was there.

– Tom Zegan

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I use to put ant poison on my front lawn but I actually found that putting sugar on my neighbor's lawn works just as well.

– Tom Zegan

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Money can't buy love but it can sure buy a nice frickin mattress.

– Tom Zegan

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Sorry . . . I can't help stupid.

– Tom Zegan

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Everybody wants to go to heaven . . . nobody wants to die!

– Tom Zegan

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I became a comedian because I couldn't make it as a Porn Star.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm not afraid of falling . . . I'm afraid of landing.

– Tom Zegan

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If you believe that the Bible has all the answers maybe you're not asking the right questions.

– Tom Zegan

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When I was young my Dad told me that Alcohol kills thousands of brain cells and he said, "son . . . you're not the smartest kid in your class"!

– Tom Zegan

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Cultural Values Determine Behavior.

– Tom Zegan

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Four out of Five Dentist think that the Fifth Dentist is an idiot.

– Tom Zegan

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Every 7 seconds there is a woman somewhere in the world giving birth to a child. We must find that woman and stop her!

– Tom Zegan

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Sex is only 10% of a Good Marriage but it's 90% of a Bad One.

– Tom Zegan

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Why walk to work when you can take your lunch?

– Tom Zegan

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Why when you have 31 Flavors stick with Rocky Road?

– Tom Zegan

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Five is a Four letter word.

– Tom Zegan

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If you really want to master something, it's best to learn from a Master.

– Tom Zegan

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Strangers have the best candy.

– Tom Zegan

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Once I had a dream that I was sleeping.

– Tom Zegan

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When I die I want to be cremated and have my ashes spread out over a soccer field so that the kids can kick my ash.

– Tom Zegan

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A civil war is anything but civil.

– Tom Zegan

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Never regret something that truly made you happy.

– Tom Zegan

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42.9% of all statistics are made up on the spot.

– Tom Zegan

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A belief that doesn’t require evidence is still only a belief.

– Tom Zegan

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A few years ago I made a New Years Resolution never to make another New Years Resolution again and so far it's the only one that I have actually kept.

– Tom Zegan

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A gift isn't yours until you take it.

– Tom Zegan

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A tattoo is just one more way to identify a body.

– Tom Zegan

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All I’m saying is that Dove Chocolate taste way better than Dove soap. Don’t ask me how I know!

– Tom Zegan

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Alright, who's the wise guy who turned the light out at the end of my tunnel?

– Tom Zegan

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Are you suppose to wear swimming trunks when you are in the car pool lane?

– Tom Zegan

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Be happy with what you have while working for what you want.

– Tom Zegan

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Be sure to look out for number One while not stepping in number Two.

– Tom Zegan

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Better to have the right person at the wrong time than to never had met them at all.

– Tom Zegan

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Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most birthdays live the longest.

– Tom Zegan

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Charity should be given to those who need it not those who want it.

– Tom Zegan

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Cheating happens in the blink of an eye and then the cheater says, “I never blinked!”

– Tom Zegan

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Clowns taste funny.

– Tom Zegan

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Death is the ultimate test of ones faith.

– Tom Zegan

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Do you think that Jesus looked both ways before crossing?

– Tom Zegan

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Do you want to be extraordinary? Do extraordinary things.

– Tom Zegan

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Do you want to become famous? Do famous things.

– Tom Zegan

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Do you want to become famous? Do famous things.

– Tom Zegan

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Doing what you love is freedom, loving what you do is happiness.

– Tom Zegan

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Don't be so open minded that your brains fall out.

– Tom Zegan

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Everybody who sets out to prove that God exists succeeds and everybody who sets out to prove that God does not exist also succeeds.

– Tom Zegan

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Everyone's personality is a manifestation of their combined past experiences. If you are able to observe and interpret someone's behavior, you will eventually be able to predict that person's behavior as well.

– Tom Zegan

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Everything is temporary!

– Tom Zegan

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Faith is a passionate intuition.

– Tom Zegan

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Find happiness in your own sandbox.

– Tom Zegan

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Fools are easily fooled.

– Tom Zegan

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Forget about plan “B” I’m now on plan “Z”

– Tom Zegan

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FYI: There's no such place as Carmen, San Diego.

– Tom Zegan

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Hate is taught but love is learned.

– Tom Zegan

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Have you ever used Diet Shampoo before? It's for people with Fat Heads.

– Tom Zegan

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Having a body tattoo is like wearing the same shirt everyday for the rest of your life.

– Tom Zegan

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Heaven called . . . we're a match!

– Tom Zegan

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Here's the shit, now where's the fan?

– Tom Zegan

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History shows that when you attack the majority it usually doesn’t work out well for the minority.

– Tom Zegan

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How can they say Coming to a theater near you when they don't even know where you live?

– Tom Zegan

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How many roads must a man walk down before he admits he is lost?

– Tom Zegan

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I always try to give credit whenever credit is doo doo even thought I really don't give a crap!

– Tom Zegan

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I always wonder what the world would be like if all the pro choice people where aborted?

– Tom Zegan

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I am convinced that we are here for a reason and when I figure it out I will let you know.

– Tom Zegan

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I am such a firm believer in the idea of "Free Press" so much that I took my neighbors newspaper off his porch this morning.

– Tom Zegan

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I came into this world with nothing and not much has changed.

– Tom Zegan

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I consider myself bilingual, I know enough Spanish to order off the menu at Taco Bell.

– Tom Zegan

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I don't drink anymore . . . except when I'm thirsty!

– Tom Zegan

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I don't have alzheimer's, . . . I have sometimers!

– Tom Zegan

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I don't smoke . . . unless of course I'm on fire.

– Tom Zegan

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I found that life will go on pretty much with or without you.

– Tom Zegan

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I have a For Sale sign on my car so if I forget where I parked my car I just wait for someone to call me and I ask them where my car is at.

– Tom Zegan

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I heard of a guy who had a heart attack and died when he realized that he had just won the Lottery! What are the odds of that?

– Tom Zegan

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I just finished my first book . . . I enjoyed it so much I'm thinking about reading another one.

– Tom Zegan

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I just had an epiphany and I don't even know what an epiphany is.

– Tom Zegan

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I just learned how to make holy water . . . You have to boil the hell out of it.

– Tom Zegan

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I just realized that Disneyland was the first human maze run by a mouse.

– Tom Zegan

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I just realized that hot dogs are full of bologna.

– Tom Zegan

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I know that there is a light at the end of my tunnel . . . it's usually a train heading straight towards me.

– Tom Zegan

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I love my kids to death . . . so far it's not working.

– Tom Zegan

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I made my money the old fashioned way . . . I robbed a bank.

– Tom Zegan

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I might not be a Nobel Peace Prize winner but I know that the opposite of love is not indifference, it's hate. Indifference would be the fulcrum (center point) between love and hate. To think otherwise is ludicrous.

– Tom Zegan

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I once had a memory pillow, but I forgot where I put it!

– Tom Zegan

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I owned a mountain cabin once that had hot and cold running water . . . hot in the summer and cold in the winter.

– Tom Zegan

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I remember when I was young I had a real bad identity crisis. So one day I went to my father and I asked him "Wo Chong, was I adopted?".

– Tom Zegan

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I think it's funny how some people can think about eternity but the same people think that the earth is only 6,000 years old.

– Tom Zegan

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I think that a women has the right to kill her unborn child just as much as that child has a right to kill their mother after they are born.

– Tom Zegan

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I told my wife that a husband is like a fine wine; he gets better with age. The next day, she locked me in the cellar.

– Tom Zegan

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I use to play the saxophone before I was married but my fiancee didn't like the fact that I was performing Premarital Sax!

– Tom Zegan

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I use to think that the moon was made out of cheese . . and I don't even like cheese.

– Tom Zegan

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I'd be a Vegetarian if I didn't have to give up eating meat.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm better than I was before I got as bad as I am now.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm thinking of a number between One and Infinity.

– Tom Zegan

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I'm thinking of buying an aquarium and filling it up with fish so when I'm bored I can go fishing.

– Tom Zegan

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I've learned to live in the moment because yesterday is history and tomorrow is a million miles away.

– Tom Zegan

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Idealism only works in an ideal world.

– Tom Zegan

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If a man can't keep his word, what good is the man?

– Tom Zegan

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If common sense is so common how come so many people don't have it?

– Tom Zegan

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If Gillette put a One after it's name it would be Gillette One.

– Tom Zegan

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If I had to do it all over again I'd skip the first grade.

– Tom Zegan

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If I knew everything there was to know about anything, I still wouldn't tell you.

– Tom Zegan

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If I wasn't here right now, I'd be somewhere else.

– Tom Zegan

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If someone ask me why I just took their picture, I tell them I work for XYZ Mortary and I’m just taking some before and after pictures.

– Tom Zegan

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If today is the first day of the rest of your life what’s tomorrow?

– Tom Zegan

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If you believe that God would be upset with you than maybe you need to change your concept of God.

– Tom Zegan

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If you can't think of the right word to say, make one up.

– Tom Zegan

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If you want people to know where you stand, wear the same socks for two weeks.

– Tom Zegan

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If you want to become famous, do something famous.

– Tom Zegan

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If you want to know something, ask my kids. They think they know everything.

– Tom Zegan

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If you're not thinking about it than it's probably not all that important to you right now.

– Tom Zegan

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If you're not willing to take the risk than you're not going to share in the rewards.

– Tom Zegan

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Ignorant people presume they know everything

– Tom Zegan

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In case you hadn't heard, I'm winning the human race.

– Tom Zegan

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In high school the closest I ever got to being on the honor roll was yes your honor and no your honor.

– Tom Zegan

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In most relationships there is usually a giver and a taker. The giver will give and the taker will take until the giver can't give anymore.

– Tom Zegan

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In our darkest moments we often stub our toe.

– Tom Zegan

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Intelligence isn't based on how much you know, it's how much you remember.

– Tom Zegan

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Intelligence isn't how much you know, it's how much you remember.

– Tom Zegan

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It takes two people to make a realationship work but it only takes one person to kill it.

– Tom Zegan

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It's a Recession if it's happening to other people, it's a Depression if it's happening to you!

– Tom Zegan

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It's always best to put a little truth in every lie.

– Tom Zegan

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It's called life, get use to it.

– Tom Zegan

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It's easier to believe something that can't be proven than to disbelieve it when it is eventually dis-proven by facts.

– Tom Zegan

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It's never to late to do the right thing.

– Tom Zegan

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It's not what you know, it's what they think you know.

– Tom Zegan

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It's not who you are that holds you back, it's who you think you're not.

– Tom Zegan

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It's your story, run with it.

– Tom Zegan

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Its only deep if you're short.

– Tom Zegan

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Its time for someone to stand up and say "Stop spending all our hard earned tax dollars".

– Tom Zegan

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It’s all fun and games until someone pokes their eye out with a chopstick.

– Tom Zegan

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It’s all fun and games until someone pokes their eye out with a chopstick.

– Tom Zegan

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I’m not a racist, I hate everyone.

– Tom Zegan

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I’m thinking of a number between one and infinity?

– Tom Zegan

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Just because you believe something is true doesn't automatically make it true.

– Tom Zegan

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Just because you saw one piece of the puzzle doesn’t mean you see the whole picture.

– Tom Zegan

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Just remember that the masses are asses and you’ll be just fine.

– Tom Zegan

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Just remember that the masses are asses and you’ll be just fine.

– Tom Zegan

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Just think, if I was born one day earlier I would have written this yesterday.

– Tom Zegan

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Liars believe their own lies.

– Tom Zegan

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Liberals lie then cry prove us wrong.

– Tom Zegan

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Life isn't always fair . . . but it's sure fairer than death!

– Tom Zegan

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Life's not fair . . . get over it.

– Tom Zegan

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Love doesn't justify your actions. Your actions justify your love.

– Tom Zegan

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Many people are looking for security instead of opportunity.

– Tom Zegan

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Math Problem: What does Three take away Two equal? I can prove that Three take away Two equals Two. Don't believe me? OK, you have Three apples I take away Two apples, how many apples do I have?

– Tom Zegan

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Money is the consolidation and storage of energy

– Tom Zegan

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Money Talk's . . . mine keeps saying Goodbye!

– Tom Zegan

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Money talks . . . It says you're cheap.

– Tom Zegan

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Money will trump morals the majority of time.

– Tom Zegan

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Most people choose appearance over reality.

– Tom Zegan

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Most people would rather take the easy road than the high road.

– Tom Zegan

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My ex-wife thought that the grass was greener on the other side . . . so now she's mowing someone else's lawn.

– Tom Zegan

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My Favorite kind of animal is a stuffed one.

– Tom Zegan

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My friend died of a broken heart . . . the cancer wasn't much help either.

– Tom Zegan

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My ideas are recycled.

– Tom Zegan

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My mom was a truck driver and my dad use to call her a mother trucker.

– Tom Zegan

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My name translated into Chinese is "Hy Yu"

– Tom Zegan

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My plan is to live forever, so far so good.

– Tom Zegan

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Never Drink and Drive . . . you might spill.

– Tom Zegan

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Never judge a book by it's cover . . . judge it by it's price.

– Tom Zegan

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New and Improved actually means that the Old Stuff actually Sucked!

– Tom Zegan

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Next time I'd think twice about thinking twice.

– Tom Zegan

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Next time I’d think twice about thinking twice.

– Tom Zegan

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Nine lives and counting.

– Tom Zegan

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Once I had a dog that died of lead poisoning . . . I shot him in the head.

– Tom Zegan

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One man's trash ends up another man's wife.

– Tom Zegan

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One time a waitress asked me how I wanted my eggs, I said "Cooked".

– Tom Zegan

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One time I bought a pound cake that weighed 14 ounces.

– Tom Zegan

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Paper will lie no matter what you put on it.

– Tom Zegan

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People are more likely to accept your ideas if you tell them that Barack Obama said it first.

– Tom Zegan

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People who live in Stone Houses shouldn't throw Glass.

– Tom Zegan

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Personally I don't care to watch a bunch of millionaires throw balls at each other.

– Tom Zegan

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Question for the Family Feud game show: "Name something that you can't say on TV.

– Tom Zegan

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Reality is based on interpretation.

– Tom Zegan

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Remember what I told you to forget?

– Tom Zegan

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Remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty?

– Tom Zegan

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Since the beginning of time man has done three things when he communicates both in speaking and in the written form. He will Generalize, Omit & Exaggerate.

– Tom Zegan

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Some kids wanted to be Firemen when they were growing up . . . I wanted to be a Fire Truck!

– Tom Zegan

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Some people believe that war brings about peace, I believe that peace brings about peace.

– Tom Zegan

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Some people care more about that happened a 100 thousand years ago than they care where they will be in 100 years from now.

– Tom Zegan

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Some people come into our lives just to be a source of irritation.

– Tom Zegan

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Some people really can't afford to give me a piece of their mind.

– Tom Zegan

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Some people say that Money Talks and BS Walks but I say that BS Talks and Money Walks!

– Tom Zegan

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Some people say that you should fight fire with fire but I say you should fight fire with water.

– Tom Zegan

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Someone, somewhere right now is thinking about You!

– Tom Zegan

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Something is wrong if they don't bring out the best in you.

– Tom Zegan

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Sometimes I'm so clever that I don't understand a single word of what I'm saying.

– Tom Zegan

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Sometimes life sucks . . . get use to it.

– Tom Zegan

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Sometimes you're the windshield . . . sometimes you're the bug!

– Tom Zegan

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Tattoos are just one more way to identify a body.

– Tom Zegan

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Tattoos are just one more way to identify the body.

– Tom Zegan

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Thank God for white paint because many of my paintings have paintings underneath them because I'm a perfectionist and if I don't like my art I'm pretty sure no one else will.

– Tom Zegan

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The average person believes that they are better than the average person.

– Tom Zegan

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The best thing about the future is that it starts tomorrow.

– Tom Zegan

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THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE”, “WEALTH is having things money can’t buy” Health and Family and Love and Friendships”!(COMPASSION)!

– Tom Zegan

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The bowling alley called . . . they want their shoes back.

– Tom Zegan

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The Colon key on my keyboard doesn't work when I press down the shift button. Does anyone know of a good Colon cleanser that can help me get my shift together.

– Tom Zegan

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The easiest way to destroy a country is from within.

– Tom Zegan

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The first time I ever did stand up comedy a guy yelled out "Down in front". So I just sat down and watched the rest of the movie.

– Tom Zegan

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The French, they're so . . . French.

– Tom Zegan

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The Greater a person is the more they will be hated.

– Tom Zegan

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The last time my ship came in . . . I was waiting at the airport.

– Tom Zegan

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The next time someone lies to your face, tell them that they are full of Schiff.

– Tom Zegan

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The only faith that really matters is the one that you believe in.

– Tom Zegan

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The only way that I can see America ever becoming a strong nation again is to stop being a debtor nation and to begin spending less than is taxed on it's people.

– Tom Zegan

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The President didn't vote for me so I'm not voting for him either.

– Tom Zegan

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The soul and the consensus are one in the same, when the soul leaves the body so does the consensusness.

– Tom Zegan

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The true character of a person is revealed under pressure.

– Tom Zegan

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There are no stupid questions except What's my name again?

– Tom Zegan

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There are two things I hate . . . No Three. Haters, Haters & Haters!

– Tom Zegan

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There are two ways to take over a country. Externally by force or Internally by fiscal collapse.

– Tom Zegan

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There is a big difference between Assigned Prestige and Achieved Prestige. Assigned Prestige will usually abuse it's power where Achieved Prestige won't.

– Tom Zegan

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There is no more powerful form of rejection than taking someone for granted.

– Tom Zegan

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There might be a problem if your husband carries condoms and you're on the pill.

– Tom Zegan

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There's a fine line between stalking and romanticly pursuing someone said my attorney to the judge.

– Tom Zegan

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There's no free lunch . . . unless you're an illegal alien.

– Tom Zegan

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There's no I in team, but there is in idiot.

– Tom Zegan

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There's nothing better than to have a mate that actually likes you let alone loves you.

– Tom Zegan

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They say keep looking up, things could get worse. So I kept looking up and sure enough things got worse.

– Tom Zegan

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They told me to chase my dreams but this restraining order says differently.

– Tom Zegan

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Time is the measurement of the rotation of the Earths Surface around the Circumference of it's Axis.

– Tom Zegan

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To my son: I should have told your mom I had a headache.

– Tom Zegan

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To ruin someone it doesn't have to be true, it just has to be said.

– Tom Zegan

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Today is 08/26/2018 Mark my words, sometime before the 2020 election the liberals are going say they're not illegals, they're Americans just like us. North American's, South American's and Central American's.

– Tom Zegan

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Today was tomorrow and yesterday was today.

– Tom Zegan

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Today's not my day . . . tomorrows not looking any better.

– Tom Zegan

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Tomorrow is always the busiest day of the week.

– Tom Zegan

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Trying to forget someone you loved is like trying to remember someone you never knew.

– Tom Zegan

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Water can exist without fish but fish can not exist without water.

– Tom Zegan

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We are all Strangers . . . Some of us are just Stranger than others.

– Tom Zegan

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We are all strangers, some are just stranger than others.

– Tom Zegan

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We only fear what we don't know, if we knew everything we would have no fear.

– Tom Zegan

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What we want we can't have and what we have we don't want.

– Tom Zegan

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What you do with your hands you mess up with your feet.

– Tom Zegan

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What's the first thing you ask for when you spill a drink? That's right, another drink!

– Tom Zegan

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When a person says it’s not about the money, trust me, it’s about the money.

– Tom Zegan

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When all else fails blame your high school drama teacher.

– Tom Zegan

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When choosing between the lesser of two evils . . . choose the one that you haven't tried yet.

– Tom Zegan

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When I die I want my tomb stone to say "See, I told you I was sick".

– Tom Zegan

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When I get big, I want to be a recovering alcoholic drug addict.

– Tom Zegan

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When I was in High School the closest I had ever been to being on the Honor Roll was Yes your Honor and No your Honor.

– Tom Zegan

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When I was young I use to go to the beach so much my mom would call me a "Son of a Beach".

– Tom Zegan

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When I was young I used to date homeless chicks, they weren't very picky and at the end of the date I could just drop them off at any corner.

– Tom Zegan

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When I was young my parents use to move a lot . . . but I'd always find them.

– Tom Zegan

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When I was young my parents use to move a lot . . . but I'd always find them.

– Tom Zegan

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When in Rome . . . Rome around.

– Tom Zegan

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When people try to bring you down they are only trying to bring you to their level.

– Tom Zegan

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When words can't express your true inner feelings, use hand jesters.

– Tom Zegan

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Where there is no vision, people will bump into walls.

– Tom Zegan

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Whoever said "Better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all" was an idiot!

– Tom Zegan

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Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp which no decent human being would eat?

– Tom Zegan

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Why is it the least informed, always seem to be the most condescending?

– Tom Zegan

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Will this be on the test?

– Tom Zegan

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Wisdom is using knowledge through God's perspective.

– Tom Zegan

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Woke up this morning. CHECK

– Tom Zegan

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Words touch the heart, words with music touch the soul.

– Tom Zegan

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Yea, I have dreams. Usually at night when I'm asleep. Why?

– Tom Zegan

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Yea, it happened to me in my last life.

– Tom Zegan

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Yesterday a women told me that she was a medium but I’m pretty sure that she was an extra large.

– Tom Zegan

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You can only truely get over someone when you find someone else that you care about more!

– Tom Zegan

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You don't have to motivate passion, unless you're married.

– Tom Zegan

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You have the right answer . . . the question is wrong.

– Tom Zegan

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You hear preachers say that the prosperity gospel doesn't work but I say that it's worked for the preachers who preach it.

– Tom Zegan

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You keep using that word "Born Again", I don't think it means what you think it means.

– Tom Zegan

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You say that you fight for all womens rights but half of the babies aborted are women.

– Tom Zegan

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You'll have to forgive me, I went to public school.

– Tom Zegan

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You're only as old as you . . . Just face it, you're old.

– Tom Zegan

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1 Comment

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Alison Batra
I liked most of them. A few I Really thought were good!
LikeReply 15 years ago

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