Inside Story

[the market inspector has been nagging Roger, yet again, to wear a white coat]

Roger Barton:
What the bloody difference a white coat makes, I haven't got a clue.

Maggie Barton:
Makes you look nice.

Roger Barton:
Makes you look nice. Do you think it makes the fish taste better? Is it better for it? Does it safeguard it more? It's one of the things we've got in the European Common Market. Since we joined that, everybody's got to wear white hats...

[points to his hat which is a grubby fedora that is not white]

Roger Barton:
...white hat, take note - mine's a bit dirty - and also white coats. White coats, marvellous. I've got a white vest. And my underpants are white... and clean. I can't afford it. This firm doesn't go to white coats. We're not like these other firms, the big companies. They've got plenty of money. This is a poor little individual firm and we're saving up for white coats. If he is so worried about the *bleep* white coat, let him buy me one!

[the phone rings and Roger picks it up without knowing who's calling]

Roger Barton:
Hello. Is that the police. Have you got any white coats there? Can you send some down? We're in desperate need of white coats to save the fish market! Gawd 'elp us!

[other fishmongers applaud]

Fishmonger:
What a *bleep* performance!

[later - after a formal written warning from the market inspector, Roger is now reluctantly wearing a white coat, though he is still wearing his old fedora hat]

Roger Barton:
Surrender? No, actually, it was two or three degrees colder this morning, and when I first come in, I felt a bit chilly. So that's why I've got the white coat. If it warms up a bit tomorrow, the temperature, we will be *minus* the coat!

[a customer picks up one of Roger's fish and then puts it back on the counter]

Roger Barton:
[humourously] Don't throw it on the floor, you *bleep* bald-headed bastard! I've got more hair round my bollocks than you've got on your *bleep* head!

[commenting philosophically on another day when he has not been given any work as a casual fish porter]

Bobby Jones:
There's a saying: "Yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery and today's a gift - that's why we call it the present".

Ken Pearce - Train Driver:
Higher management are changing the names of "passengers" to "customers". And there's no "guards" on British Rail any more, they're "conductors". There's this corporate image that says if you change the names of things or change the colour of things - ie painting units red, white and blue - that somehow the service miraculously gets better. Well the truth is, at the rough end, as the passengers know, it doesn't - it still continues on its old ramshackled way. It might look in parts good, but once you move away from the main lines, you're looking at a service that's really falling apart.

[talking about passengers travelling without tickets]

Peter Kirton - Trains Inspector:
I once had one come from Scarborough, came out of the exit barrier at Leeds, and she said "I've no ticket, no money, I've come from Scarborough". She was a biggish lady

[he mimes a large pair of breasts]

Peter Kirton - Trains Inspector:
and she had this blouse that was sort of elasticated. "No ticket, no money, no way I can pay you." So I said "I'll have to take your particulars down". She says "I'll do it for you".

[laughs and mimes her pulling down her blouse]

Peter Kirton - Trains Inspector:
And the ticket collector was a Pakistani lad and he said "Oooo, Missis. You put your booboos away". I says "You leave her alone. She knows what she's doing."