The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour

Ricky Ricardo:
I'm terrible at remembering names.

Tallulah Bankhead:
Oh, so am I. That's why I call everybody darling.

Lucy Ricardo:
Let me get this straight, Ms. Bankhead. Are you asking me to leave your home?

Tallulah Bankhead:
Throwing you out would be more accurate.

Lucy Ricardo:
Well, I have been thrown out of better places than this!

Tallulah Bankhead:
You have never been in better places than this!

Lucy Ricardo:
But how's Ricky ever going to find out who took the pearls?

Ethel Mertz:
He'll ask me and I'll confess.

Lucy Ricardo:
Why?

Ethel Mertz:
Because while he's asking me, he'll have his fingers around my throat!

Ethel Mertz:
Oh, now Rick. It's kind of cozy.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah. Be it ever so humble, there's no place like Nome. [Lucy and Ethel laugh, but Ricky is not amused]

Ricky Ricardo:
Things aren't bad enough, huh?

Ethel Mertz:
[stops Fred from getting into the bed] Just a minute. We're going to do this democratically. We're going to draw to see who sleeps where.

Ricky Ricardo:
That's right. [picks up his hat and holds it up]

Lucy Ricardo:
Me first. Me first.

Ricky Ricardo:
Ah, ah, ah. No cheating.

Lucy Ricardo:
My mother... told me... to chose... you. [pulls out and reads piece of paper] The HAMMOCK!

Ricky Ricardo:
Don't blame me, blame your mother.

Ethel Mertz:
I'll go last.

[Fred draws a paper from the hat]

Ethel Mertz:
What'd you get, Fred. What'd you get?

Fred Mertz:
[looking down at the sleeping bag on the floor] None of your business and get your big feet off my bed.

Ricky Ricardo:
Boy, what a terrible road.

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah, it's all torn up. I wonder why they didn't put up a detour sign.

Ricky Ricardo:
You know what I can't understand is why we haven't passed the Mertzes. [Sees Fred MacMurray's car stuck in a pool of asphalt] Look!

Fred MacMurray:
Hey, my car's stuck!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Mockingly and with delight] Ohhhhhh. BYE!

Fred MacMurray:
[Watches the Ricardos speed away] Hey!

[Lucy Ricardo creeps into her bedroom where renter Danny Thomas is sleeping. Waters her neglected plant and knocks over a glass]

Danny Williams:
[Half awake] Honey? Honey, is that you?

Lucy Ricardo:
[out of view of Danny and not wanting her intrusion to be discovered] Huh?

Danny Williams:
Is that you, Kathy?

Lucy Ricardo:
Uh-huh.

Danny Williams:
Aren't you going in to New York, baby?

Lucy Ricardo:
Uh-uh.

Danny Williams:
Oh good. I'm glad. How about getting daddy a cup of coffee? Huh? Sweetheart? A cup of coffee, dear.

[Lucy quickly disguises herself in Kathy's housecoat]

Danny Williams:
I don't think it's such a hot idea, this commuting, honey. I miss you. You miss me?

Lucy Ricardo:
Uh-huh.

Danny Williams:
I miss you a lot. I don't get to see you much more any more. Living in the country like this.

[Lucy ties Kathy's kerchief around her head, completing her disguise]

Danny Williams:
Sweetie?

Lucy Ricardo:
Yeah?

Danny Williams:
How about that coffee?

Lucy Ricardo:
Um-hum. [tries to casually stroll past the bed. Danny playfully slaps her on the backside, mortifying her]

Danny Williams:
Morning, beautiful! Come here, lover. [Pulls her to bed with her back facing him and kisses her back and neck, while Lucy grimaces in horror]

Kathy Williams:
I would like to know what your wife was doing in our bedroom, scratching my husband's back!

Danny Williams:
Yeah, so would I.

Kathy Williams:
You be quiet!

Ricky Ricardo:
Why were you scratching his back?

Lucy Ricardo:
Why was I scratching his back?

Ricky Ricardo:
You heard me!

Lucy Ricardo:
He asked me to.

Kathy Williams:
Ah, hah. WHY did you ask her to scratch your back?

Ricky Ricardo:
Yeah, why, WHY?

Danny Williams:
[wide-eyed and innocently] It itched.

Lucy Ricardo:
Listen, there's something I want to know, Ethel.

Betty Grable:
Ethel?

Lucy Ricardo:
Oh I'm sorry, I usually cook up my schemes with Ethel.

Betty Grable:
[seeing Lucy for the first time with Whirling Jet on the stairs] We've certainly heard a lot about you.

Harry James:
And apparently it's all true.

Ricky Ricardo:
[hears Whirling Jet] What was that?

Lucy Ricardo:
What was what?

Ricky Ricardo:
It sounded like a horse.

Lucy Ricardo:
A horse?

Ethel Mertz:
That was me. [nays like a horse]

Fred Mertz:
That's right, Rick, she eats like a horse so much she's commenced to sound like one.

Ricky Ricardo:
[Lucy's in his face] What're you doing?

Lucy Ricardo:
Now that I think of it, you DO look like a prowler.

Ricky Ricardo:
[hears Whirling Jet] What was that?

Lucy Ricardo:
What was what?

Ricky Ricardo:
It sounded like a horse.

Lucy Ricardo:
A horse?

Ethel Mertz:
That was me.

[neighs like a horse]

Fred Mertz:
That's right, Rick, she eats like a horse so much she's commenced to sound like one.

Lucy Ricardo:
Are you asking me to leave?

Tallulah Bankhead:
'Throwing you out' would be more appropriate.

Lucy Ricardo:
Let me tell you something, Tallulah Bankhead, I've been thrown out of better places than this!

Tallulah Bankhead:
You have never BEEN in better places than this!

Lucy Ricardo:
[Ethel, posing as the Ricardos' maid, is lavishing praise on Tallulah Bankhead while serving dinner] Ethel... Ethel Mae... will you PLEASE stop boring Miss Bankhead?

Tallulah Bankhead:
[Slowly turns to face Lucy] When Miss Bankhead is bored, Miss Bankhead will let you know.

Tallulah Bankhead:
My good woman would you kindly leave the premises before I grab your pink hair and pull it out by its black roots!

[Lucy is Disguised A Geisha Girl]

Lucy Ricardo:
Geisha Girl now take Coffee Break... Uh, Tea Break.

Ethel Mertz:
Old Japanese custom: when geisha girl like gentleman, she tap him with fan.

Ethel Mertz:
[Lucy and Ethel are disguised as Geisha girls to spy on Ricky and Fred] Lucy, How are Geisha girls supposed to act?

Lucy Ricardo:
Charming, sweet, gay.

Ethel Mertz:
Oh, I gave that up when I got married!