The O.C.

Theresa:
[after telling Marissa of her childhood hopes and dreams] But I guess life's not really like that, is it?

Ryan:
[Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] It's almost 3:30. Isn't your interview at 4?

Seth:
[high] What are you talking about?

[looks at clock]

Ryan:
Are you ready?

Seth:
Am I ready? Do me a favor.

[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]

Seth:
Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.

Ryan:
No.

Seth:
Okay. You don't want to touch another man, I get it. You find my slender swimmer's body, um, intimidating.

Ryan:
[confused] Something smells.

Seth:
No it doesn't. No it doesn't. But they, uh, they say that the first sign of a, um, brain tumor, is, uh, phantom smells so you should lie down.

[Ryan finds can of air freshener]

Seth:
Hey. Hey, you solved it. You're a mystery solver. You're like - you're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember when Encyclopedia Brown went on down to Texas...

[Ryan raises his eyebrows]

Seth:
-and solved the mystery of the great shootout? Hey - how about this for a change. A cage match - Encyclopedia Brown versus the Great Brain - to the death.

Ryan:
[pause] Are you high?

Seth:
[tries to look innocent, then laughs uncontrollably] Am I high? No. No! Come on, man, I love it when you go for the comedy but I would not - I would not quit your day job beating up people. I would.

Seth:
[Ryan finds ashtray with joints] I don't know how that got there.

Taylor Townsend:
You know, it is so great that you guys have each other.

Summer:
[confused] Thanks.

Taylor Townsend:
'Cause everyone knows that Marissa was the popular one, and Seth, no judgment, but it's not like you got any cooler in the last two years. I mean, everyone just acted that way because they were afraid of Ryan Atwood. I mean, even as a senior, you're still pretty much the biggest geek in Newport.

Summer:
[cuts Taylor off] Oh-ho, no. All right, listen to me, skank, just because you're saying really mean things in, like, a really nice voice, doesn't mean that we don't realize that you're just some stupid little skank!

Summer:
[after Summer and Seth have tricked Taylor into revealing her affair with Dean Hess] Hey, skank.

Seth:
You were expecting someone taller? Blonder, with a pageboy haircut?

Summer:
Welcome to the Terradome, Townsend. You're busted.

Taylor Townsend:
[smugly] For what, exactly?

Summer:
Hmm. A little extracurricular activity with Dean Hess? Yeah. I saw you two making out at the dance.

Taylor Townsend:
[smugly] So what if we did?

Seth:
[stumped, to Summer] She makes one hell of a poker player. I mean, she's pretty good.

Summer:
Yeah, well, unless you and the Dean want this little thingamajig...

Seth:
[corrects Summer] Indiscretion.

Summer:
- to go public, we have a few demands. Don't we?

Seth:
Yeah.

Summer:
Starting with the lifting of the ban of Ryan Atwood from Harbor.

Taylor Townsend:
[indifferent] You can go ahead and tell anyone you want. No-one's going to believe you.

Seth:
[frustrated] She's like a block of ice.

Summer:
You willing to bet your squeaky little reputation on that, Taylor trash? 'Cause I've got a *huge* mouth and an even bigger buddy list. Mmm-hmm. [whips out Sidekick] See this right here? Sidekick. Walkie-talkie of the twenty-first century. Who should we radio first?

Seth:
How about my dad?

Summer:
Yeah. 10-4, good buddy. So what's it going to be? You can either tell Seth's dad the perverted truth and save your sorry ass, or you can roll the dice. Over and out.

Seth:
[holds up My Little Pony] Who is this?

Summer:
[looks embarrassed] No-one.

Seth:
[imitating pony's voice] I'm not no-one.

Summer:
Princess Sparkle, what do you want?

Marissa:
So, I'll make you a deal. Whatever song comes on the radio next will be our song.

Ryan:
Okay. [Marissa turns on the radio, a loud rap song comes on]

[sarcastically] Oh, yeah. That's definitely us.

Julie:
[when Luke hits on her in the hall] Luke, you're a student at this school. I'm Marissa's mother.

Luke:
[incredulous] You mean it's over?

Julie:
No, of course not. I meant in the hall. I'll see you tonight.

Summer:
[after Taylor has tricked Summer into giving up Social Chair position] Just so you know, you and your friend the Dean may have won this round, but the war is not over.

Taylor Townsend:
Well, unless you have an exit strategy, don't even get out of the boat. I am a human quagmire. [leaves]

Summer:
[tries to look unruffled, then stops random passing student] What's a quagmire? [student ignores her and walks away] Hello? [to entire hallway] What's a quagmire?

Caleb Nichol:
It's always cause'a Kirsten. When you railroaded my dinner, was that cause'a her too?

Sandy:
No. That one was for you.

Sandy:
Hey, how are ya? [waves] I'm Sandy.

Danny:
Why don't you take a shower?

Sandy:
Pardon me?

Danny:
Jus- just kiddin. I-I like ya dirty. [whispers] Sandy, dirty. Sandy, dirty.

Luke:
Just give me the signal, and I'll drop the Great Gatsby.

Sandy:
[speaking to Julie about the guy blackmailing her over her role in an '80s porn movie] You handle Marisa and I'll handle the Colonel.

Julie:
That's a Boogie Nights reference.

Sandy:
Expect a lot of them.

Summer:
What do you want from me Cohen?

Seth:
I just want you.

Caleb Nichol:
Just remember, whatever happens in that courtroom, I did what I did for this family.

Summer:
You just gotta get right back on that horse, Coop. You gotta giddy up, horsy!

Ryan:
Sometimes I think you talk just to make sounds.

Seth:
Well, sometimes I do.

[Ryan turns out the light Marissa moves closer]

Ryan:
Thought you wanted to sleep?

Marissa:
Suddenly not so tired.

Seth:
Mom, on the other hand, Waspy McWasp.

Sandy:
We're so proud.

Kirsten:
I am not a Wasp!

Seth:
Sure you're not.

Ryan:
Maybe you have the Summer flu and you should take some Annabiotics.

Zach:
Who's Curt Schilling, anyway?

Jimmy:
Well, we've basically blown through our entire budget.

Sandy:
Well you're really not so good at managing the money are you Coop?

Jimmy:
No, I'm... really not.

Kirsten:
Julie, are you okay?

Julie:
Duh! I don't need any steak knives! Do you want some coffee cake?

Marissa:
It *will* be fun!

Summer:
What's more fun than watching a neurotic freak bat his eyes at perfect pixie chick?

Marissa:
I was being sarcastic.

Summer:
So was I. Which neither one of us was before Cohen came along and taught us all irony... Jackass!

Seth:
I said I wanted to marry her, not date her!

Seth:
Let's recap. I got disco'd by two girls in one night. And, unfortunately, not the first time that's happened.

Jimmy:
If there's one thing you know how to do, it's get money from rich old men.

Seth, Kirsten:
Oy humbug!

Summer:
Suddenly, my family not looking so dysfunctional.

Marissa:
You do realize that this is my family too?

Ryan:
I appreciate you driving me down to Chino, but I can take care of this myself. This shouldn't have to be your problem.

Sandy:
Hey. If it's a Ryan problem, it's a Cohen problem.

Seth:
You guys really wouldn't hurt me, because that would be so clich?d. [they pick him up] I guess you're fans of the clich?.

Sandy:
There's no need for sarcasm.

Seth:
I'm not being sarcastic.

Sandy:
Well, it's hard to tell sometimes.

Seth:
You know what I mean?

Ryan:
Hardly ever.

Marissa:
I love you.

Ryan:
Uh... Thank you?

Sandy:
We suck.

Kirsten:
That was not very smooth.

Sandy:
I told you this was a bad idea.

Kirsten:
No, you didn't!

Seth:
I don't wanna know. Don't care.

Zach:
[on Seth and Summer] Even when you're not a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.

Seth:
Um, Luke and Leia were brother and sister.

Zach:
Yeah, well, may the force be with you. [leaves]

Kirsten:
[frowns] Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?

Sandy:
Honey honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja, ninjas usually wear capes, right?

Kirsten:
oooh so a ninja is like a super hero

Seth:
[had enough] mom, dad, you two enjoy [gets up] Ryan [steps over Sandy's legs] give me five minutes

Sandy:
Where you goin? [Ryan smiles] come on back

Ryan:
Nice work [Kirsten smiles, pleased]

Sandy:
Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child

Jimmy:
Don't you remember when we were kids? No one could keep us apart.

Julie:
Ok, first of all: it is not the same thing. Second of all: am I the gardener in this scenario? I think not.

Jimmy:
My parents threatened to cut me off if I didn't break up with you.

Julie:
You never told me that.

Jimmy:
Why hurt your feelings?

Julie:
What did you tell them?

Jimmy:
I told them to go to hell. I told them I was in love with you. I was.

Julie:
Well, I was easy to love back then. I was beautiful and much nicer.

Jimmy:
Jules, come on, you're still beautiful. And we both know you were never nice.

Marissa:
[speaking loudly] Uh, what's that, Seth? Did you say you need a ride to a Star Wars convention? [She walks into the hallway with Seth and closes the door]

Seth:
The Star Wars convention? I'm sorry. Her top was off. You couldn't have at least said X-Men for me?

Sandy:
I never knew you to be an impulse shopper.

Summer:
Lost my mind there, didn't I?

Marissa:
Little bit.

Caleb:
What is a booty call?

Ryan:
What are you doing for dinner?

Theresa:
Nothing.

Ryan:
Don't say you're not hungry, I know you.

Theresa:
I didn't say I wasn't hungry. I'm starving. Why do you think I'm being such a b*tch?

Luke:
You know you're a little far from 8 mile [pulls down Ryan's hood]

Tom Willington:
Sandy Cohen, working on the weekend.

Sandy:
Tom Willington, as I live and breathe.

Marissa:
Hey, how come you're the brains? I'm the one who talked us back into that club.

Seth:
I'm sorry. I'm the brains.

Ryan:
You can be the beauty.

Marissa:
Okay, thanks.

Summer:
Great, and what am I, Cohen?

Seth:
Uh, the b*obs? [Summer hits him] Uh, the b*tch?

Summer:
Okay, I'll take the b*obs.

Seth:
Hey. So will I. [Summer laughs]

[later]

Marissa:
See, I think I should be the brains.

Ryan:
No, Seth's the brains.

Marissa:
Well, you're clearly not the beauty.

Ryan:
Ooooh, and now someone's the b*tch. [smiles]

Sandy:
[about his mother talking about him] If you're happy, you're not working hard enough.

Seth:
So what's the GP, RA?

Ryan:
I have no idea what you just said.

Seth:
Game plan, Ryan Atwood.

Ryan:
You're just using initials now?

Seth:
Yeah, it saves time.

Ryan:
Well, not if you have to translate.

Seth:
GP.

Ryan:
Game plan?

Seth:
Good point.

Sandy:
What are you going to do? Steal a car? Burn down a house? Punch out the captain of the water polo team? Those ships have sailed, my friend.

Seth:
That's right. It is complicated. It's complicated by the fact that there's an Eddie, and this Eddie still obviously has feelings for Theresa. In fact that would actually make this romantic triangle more of a romantic... rhombus.

Kirsten:
Oh, someone, please stop him before he starts singing "Greased Lightning."

Seth:
Do it, dad. Travolta's your b*tch.

Sandy:
Oh, thank you, son.

Seth:
In fact, having you around to defend me, I've kinda gotten soft. Without anybody picking on me, there's really been no need for the Seth Cohen retaliatory zinger.

Kirsten:
[on the phone with wedding planner] Colored lights, no way. White lights only because colored lights remind my father of a carnival. And he hates carnies.

Sandy:
Note to self: hang with carnies.

Seth:
[complimenting Sandy and Kirsten's parenting skills] Hey man, they raised me, okay? Proof, pudding. Speaking of pudding, Mother, do we have any tapioca on tap?

Julie:
Why can't you be happy for me? I am.

Julie:
[sniping at Jimmy and Hailey] Classy choice, Jimmy. Although it's pretty obvious that you're with her because you can't be with Kirsten. You know, in psychology, I think that's called transference.

Sandy:
It's ironic. Julie leaves Jimmy, marries you. Now he's worth millions and now you're going to be broke.

Seth:
No. What about the Ryan and Seth go to Europe money, my man? Get back in there. We could get Vespas.

Seth:
[showing off his fake IDs to Marissa] Sievy Sebulsky of Menlo Park. It's nice to meet you. Have you met my associate, Marty Navis?

Seth:
Damn it! I'm being sarcastic.

Ryan:
So, sarcasm's like breathing for you.

Seth:
Yeah, Summer's dad thinks sarcasm is a sign of weakness.

Ryan:
Sounds like a smart man.

Seth:
Too complicated for banter about boats and Hanson?

Summer:
Are you making fun of me?

Anna:
Most of the time, Summer, you do my job for me.

Summer:
Again... not tracking.

Julie:
Can I ask you a question?

Kirsten:
Mmhmm.

Julie:
Do you like that he calls you Kiki?

Kirsten:
Hate it.

Julie:
'Cause he kept calling me Juju, like that candy that gets stuck in your teeth. I begged him to stop.

Seth:
[about having sex with Summer for the first time] Ryan, I was Nemo, and I just wanted to go home.

Seth:
Well, if you need anything, I'll take the graveyard shift.

Ryan:
I think we'll manage.

Seth:
I was afraid you'd say that.

Sandy:
It's great that you hung in there after all the foreplay.

Seth:
Fore-what now?

Sandy:
I promise you, I'd rather send you to jail than get in bed with your father.

Anna:
So I guess you and Mrs. Cohen have a lot in common...

Sandy:
Sure sure, we both love, uhh... Seth.

Kirsten:
He's a consultant.

Sandy:
Could you be please be a little more vague?

Kirsten:
He knows people.

Sandy:
You did it! That was more vague.

Kirsten:
Sometimes you make it hard to hate you.

Sandy:
I know, it's part of my charm.

Kirsten:
And sometimes you make it easy.

Sandy:
What are we fighting about?

Kirsten:
I don't know, but it's serious!

Kirsten:
It would be nice if Uncle Sean could be here.

Sandy:
Not if we have to pay for the bar tab.

Kirsten:
My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper... is my step-mom.

Jimmy:
Maybe we'll get you another bottle.

Sandy:
Yeah, drink up.

Kirsten:
This is an unholy alliance. This is two storm fronts colliding. This is the apocalypse for us all.

Kirsten:
Julie, I am not going to a place called The Petting Zoo. You don't know where the pets have been.

Sandy:
And you know, they do find foster home for kids your age.

Seth:
Yeah, because everyone wants a brand new teenager. [everyone stares at him] I'm sorry if I'm the only one here that will state the obvious...

Kirsten:
Seth.

Seth:
- But we have all this extra room, right? We have a pool house. Yet, you guys are going to ship him off to a group home. Am I the only one who gets how much that sucks?

Seth:
Yeah, it's too bad you're leaving. We never eat like this.

Kirsten:
That's not true. I cook all the time.

Seth:
[scoffs] Dad...

Sandy:
I'm sorry, honey. [starts laughing]

Kirsten:
Let's just eat.

Sandy:
We're not saying we want you to cook more.

Seth:
Oh... [blows raspberry] Hell, no. You remember the meat loaf incident of '98?

Kirsten:
That was brisket.

Seth:
Yeah, that's my point exactly.

Anna:
Wait. Are you the kid from Chino who steals cars and sets people's houses on fire? [pauses] So you're saying I'm making my debut into society with Newport's most wanted?

Ryan:
Is that going to be a problem?

Anna:
I can't wait!

Seth:
[rubs his boat, Summer Breeze, lovingly] Ohhh, I've missed you. It's been too long.

Ryan:
You're talking to a boat, Seth.

Seth:
Yeah, I talk to a plastic horse too but that never worries anyone.

Ryan:
It worries me.

Jimmy:
Your mother has to wake up every morning and be Julie Cooper. That's punishment enough.

Kirsten:
Is everything okay?

Seth:
Hmm? Yeah, it's fine.

Theresa:
I'm pregnant.

Seth:
Well, except for that.

Sandy:
Just because you're leaving doesn't mean I'm letting you go.

Summer:
We're not having sex, by the way.

Seth:
Excellent. There's not enough pain and suffering around us already.

Marissa:
[on why she won't hook up with D.J] He's the yard guy.

Summer:
Well, he can park his truck in my driveway anytime.

Summer:
No, see Zach and I? We're just hanging out. He is not my boyfriend. I do not want a boyfriend, okay. I had a boyfriend, he sailed away.

Caleb Nichol:
What the hell is that?

Sandy:
It's my mother's meat loaf.

Caleb Nichol:
[looks around] Oh God, your mother's here?

Sandy:
Her recipe is. I'm trying out a chef. You want some?

Caleb Nichol:
Actually, I think the sight of your mother's meat loaf has turned me into a vegetarian.

Caleb Nichol:
I've come to ask a favor.

Sandy:
I'm sorry, what did you say?

Caleb Nichol:
You didn't hear me?

Sandy:
No, I heard you, I... I just want to make you say it again.

Marissa:
So, my mum's trying to drag me to cardio bar again. It's her idea of mother-daughter bonding.

Summer:
Cardio bar, Coop?

Marissa:
Well, she says it's the new Taibo. So maybe I can learn to kick her ass.

Summer:
I don't think you need to do any more cardio.

Marissa:
What's that supposed to mean?

Summer:
Nothing. It's just that - well and I mean this in the least scandalous way but you're looking a little thin.

Marissa:
I eat!

Summer:
Ugh, this bikini is so uncomfortable. I need to go get a new one. You want to go to South Coast?

Marissa:
Totally. There's a Paul Frank sale there on Wednesday.

Summer:
Wednesday? I can't. I have plans with Zach.

Marissa:
Oh, more plans with Zach, huh?

Summer:
Yes. The more time I spend with Zach, the less time I have to think about - God, what's his face? Built like a beanpole, curly hair, runs away like a little b*tch on a sailboat leaving nothing but a note for his girlfriend who cried and cried over him till the Fourth of July when she decided she doesn't cry over b*tches on boats.

Marissa:
Seth. His name. It's Seth.

Summer:
I know. I'm just doing that thing where I pretend I don't and I have to use a lot of descriptive insults to give voice to my inner pain.

Caleb:
What is that flower truck doing in our driveway? I get the feeling that it's been there every week.

Julie:
Because it has.

Caleb:
We get flowers delivered every week?

Julie:
Yes, Cal. They're living things. They die.

Caleb:
Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial and I swear, I hear a clicking.

Julie:
Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much?

Summer:
Ryan. I'm sorry, I thought you were the evil step-monster.

Ryan:
She let me in. She seems nice.

Summer:
Yeah, well she just switched anti-depressants. Give it a day.

Caleb:
Thank you for letting me spend the night in jail. It was the most vile, most inhuman night of my life.

Sandy:
Well, coming from the guy who married Julie Cooper, that's saying something.

Marissa:
[about Ryan] I think he hates me.

Summer:
He doesn't hate you!

Marissa:
He turned down sex!

Summer:
He might be onto something...

Seth:
How was the party dad?... I think someone called the cops.

Sandy:
Why don't we give up? Oh, give up with me, honey! We could let the Gruesome Twosome destroy our careers, or we could sit here, enjoy obscene amounts of Dr. Phil, and destroy them ourselves.

D.J.:
Guess I'd better prepare myself for some drama, huh?

Marissa:
You have no idea.

Seth:
Shhh! We're being stealth!

Seth:
Not now, Mom, I'm studying naked.

Summer:
Ew!

Seth:
Summer? Come in!

Summer:
No way!

Summer:
Go away, I'm studying... naked!

Seth:
That's supposed to keep me away?

Seth:
Yeah... yeah, I should apologize. It's just my pride.

Ryan:
What pride?

Seth:
Yeah, I guess there's nothin' standin' in my way.

Sandy:
Hey, Cal. Always a pleasure, although if I may, why are we meeting in a parking garage?

Caleb:
Because my office might be bugged. My home, your home, who knows what the Feds are up to?

Sandy:
Wow, you've really flipped your noodle haven't, you?

Seth:
Wait. Hang on. I'm not goin' anywhere until somebody tells me what happened last night. Mom, would you please fill me in? [Kirsten leaves] Mom! I- Oh, I get it. I'm just here for the comic relief.

Summer:
You know, Cohen, with your two hands on the wheel and the wind blowing through your hair [looks at Seth, nods] you actually looked kinda hot.

Seth:
Let me guess, Summer, you have a [shrugs, amused] weakness for seamen. [smiles]

Summer:
[screws up her face] Ewww Cohen, and then there's that.

Seth:
Nah, aww.

Summer:
You know, Cohen... your two hands on the wheel, and the wind blowing through your hair... you actually looked kinda hot.

Seth:
Let me guess, Summer. You have a weakness for semen?

Summer:
Ew, Cohen! And then there's that.

Seth:
You can't ruin Chrismukkah. It's got twice the resistance of any normal holiday.

Ryan:
Okay, I screwed up yet again. So now what? You're going to kick me out?

Sandy:
You think you can mess up so bad we'll just give up on you? You can't. You are part of this family now and you're going to feel the full weight of that. You're going to wish we threw you out.

Rebecca:
It's kind of hard to meet people when you can't let anybody know who you really are and can't stay in one place too long.

Sandy:
I can see how that might "salt your game".

Rebecca:
"Salt your game". Is that how they talk in Orange county?

Sandy:
Stick around. You'll be saying "Rad" in no time.

Summer:
You've got to admit, Coop. [Marissa looks at her] Whatever happens, Ryan facing off with Trey to avenge your honour - God, that is so *freaking* hot! [Marissa doesn't say anything] In a mythic, biblical, Samurai Western kind of way.

Summer:
Thanks for almost getting my bathing suit wet, Cohen.

Seth:
My pleasure.

Ryan:
[mocking Summer, nasal tone] Cohen, I can't believe that you did that, Cohen. [smirks]

Lindsay Gardner:
Maybe I don't want to be Caleb Nichol's daughter.

Seth:
Amazing. This whole time, I thought you were a nice guy.

Zach:
Wake up! I'm a water polo player. We're never nice guys.

Zach:
Look Seth, I've always liked you but if I have to sacrifice our friendship to be with Summer, I'll do it.

Seth:
Amazing, all this time I thought you were a nice guy.

Zach:
Wake up, I'm a waterpolo player, we're never nice guys.

Seth:
Well looks like I won't need to worry about adding you to Atomic County, you're already there - the demon Water Polo player, the ironicists nemesis.

Zach:
And its gonna take a little bit more than quick-quips and pop-culture laden bromides to win little Miss Vixen.

Seth:
So its war.

Zach:
Its war.

Seth:
Its kinda hard to apologise if I don't know what it is I'm apologising for.

Summer:
Well its kinda hard to forgive you if you don't know what you're supposed to be apologising for.

Seth:
The timing in this house is a thing of beauty.

Summer:
Where other than the Bait Shop are tickets always plentiful and the band never too loud to talk over?

Seth:
Well he can't have gone that way cause that's the ocean.

Julie:
[to Volchock who has extended his arm to shake her hand] Keep that grimy paw away from me. Unless you wanna see what ten years of Cardio Barre can do to your face.

Seth:
[Graduation is that day] When they announce my name, uh, could you *not* do that cheer you did for me when I won Capture the Flag at parents' weekend?

Sandy:
W-which cheer was that? Oh! Oh, oh, oh! Check out my boy Cohen! Can you believe how he's growin? The competition away he's blowin!

Seth:
That's the one. Please don't do that. Ever. [They smile and laugh]

Sandy:
So you and Summer seemed pretty chummy yesterday.

Seth:
Dad, chummy?

Sandy:
It's okay. You can tell me.

Seth:
No, really, I can't.

Sandy:
If you can't tell your dad, who can you tell?

Seth:
Gee, I don't know, ugh Ryan... Mom... that tree over there.

Ryan:
Lindsay wants to hang out with the sister she never knew she had. I can't stand in the way, or make it all about me, right?

Seth:
No, that's something I would do.

Marissa:
I think we should spend the entire summer just being normal.

Ryan:
We're not holding Seth to that?

Marissa:
No, no. That'd be impossible.

Sandy:
If all we're gunna do is send them to their room and make them do homework, what are they going to learn?

Kirsten:
Their homework.

Kirsten:
Is it over?

Sandy:
I promise you, it never started.

Sandy:
Well, you've been tryin'a get him to come to Thanksgiving for years.

Kirsten:
The only reason why he is here is because his food didn't show up and the game is on. [drinks]

Sandy:
You know, you might wanna slow down with that. You're drinkin on an empty stomach.

Kirsten:
Don't you tell me to slow down. Tell him to hit the bricks!

Sandy:
Hit the bricks? Who talks like that?

Kirsten:
Don't you judge me. I have a family that won't let me cook for Thanksgiving dinner, I have a father who is using me for my candied yams, and we are out of Merlot!

Anna:
Do you want some... privacy?

Sandy:
Oh...

Sandy:
Don't ever get married!

Ryan:
I've heard that from you before.

Sandy:
Oh, you'll hear it again. I'll be at the bar.

Seth:
I'm not self-absorbed, am I, Ryan? [Ryan looks away] Me? Me? Me?

Seth:
So you guys will be in here and I'll be on the other side of this soundproof wall.

Summer:
Are you OK?

Seth:
Yeah, just an allergic reaction to the universe.

Seth:
Look at all these people, these normal, non-traumatised people - in relationships, in love.

Seth:
Wow, he came back, people never leave and come back.

Trey Atwood:
Ryan said you talk a lot.

Seth:
Yeah, its kind of a problem but hopefully one you'll come to find endearing.

Seth:
Are you actually angry at me for being jealous of you being jealous of Zach?

Seth:
Maybe if you paid attention to anything other then that stupid hospital, you'd notice mom's been passing out before dinner.

Sandy:
Don't talk to your father like that.

Seth:
That would require you to act like my father.

Julie:
[Gus is peeing outside near her trailer] Real classy, Gus.

Gus:
It's them big gulps. They go right through me. Sneak up on me too.

Julie:
That's a *nice* final image.

Summer:
Your comic has turned these two idiots into idiots.

Summer:
I'm sorry I don't get references before 1990.

Sandy:
Nobody needs to know, we can say you're taking a trip.

Kirsten:
In this town a trip is always rehab.

Seth:
So what you're saying is that when you two go to Italy you'll achieve this... harmony.

Summer:
Look I just wanna be straightforward with you so you can plan your freekout accordingly.

Julie:
You should get another glass of champagne because this is one surprise you won't find posted on the internet.

Marissa:
What happens in the mall stays in the mall.

Ryan:
You go in the tent, I'll stay out here and look out for bears and store-guards.

Seth:
If you were this sensitive and neurotic when we were daing maybe things would've worked out.

Seth:
[Seth is dressed like a pirate] Summer and I are at war.

Sandy:
A pirate war?

Ryan:
Kaitlin's back.

Summer:
Mini Cooper?

Seth:
NOT so mini.

Sandy:
We can't give in to threats like that, we don't negotiate with the Newpsies!

[Taylor prances into Summer's room]

Summer:
Who let you in?

Taylor Townsend:
I speak fluent housekeeper.

Seth:
[about Kaitlin] She's Jimmy Cooper's daughter, theft is in her blood.

Sadie Campbell:
[referring to Ryan's facial bruising] So what are you gonna tell your folks about your face?

Ryan:
Sandy and Kirsten are used to it.

Summer:
Do you remember that movie we saw about the two gay guys on the mountain?

Marissa:
Lord of the Rings?

Seth:
Name me ONE thing about Newport that isn't evil.

Ryan:
[Summer and Marissa are walking up behind Seth] I will name you two.

Ryan:
Sometimes you've got to let the rich people help you.

Marissa:
Who are you?

Ryan:
Whoever you want me to be.

Marissa:
Okay.

Seth:
Why don't you go back to Chino? I'm sure there are a bunch of really nice cars in the parking lot that you could steal.

Summer:
Chino? Eww!

Seth:
She's got Tahiti written all over her.

Marissa:
So, what do you think of Newport?

Ryan:
I think I could get into a lot less trouble where I'm from.

Marissa:
You have no idea.

Seth Cohen:
Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

[to Sandy after he embarrassed Seth]

Ryan Atwood:
Way to salt his game, Mr. Cohen.

Seth Cohen:
Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.

Betsy, Newport Woman #3:
Did I hear you were from Canada?

Ryan Atwood:
Yes, yes you did.

Ryan:
Welcome to the dark side.

Sandy:
He's not a criminal mastermind. He's a kid that has no one and nowhere to go.

Ryan:
Where's my brother?

Sandy:
Uh, Trey is over 18. Trey stole a car; Trey had a gun in his pants, an ounce of pot in his pocket, a couple of priors. I'm guessing right now, Trey's looking at three to five years. But Trey's not my concern.

Ryan:
Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be 100. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are going to have to stay at their jobs until they're 80. So I don't want to commit to anything too soon.

Marissa:
So, what are you doing here, seriously?

Ryan:
Seriously?

[truthfully]

Ryan:
I stole a car. Crashed it. Actually, my brother did. Since he had a gun and drugs on him, he's in jail. I got out, and my mom threw me out. She was pissed off and drunk. So, Mr. Cohen took me in.

Marissa:
You're their cousin from Boston, right?

Ryan:
Right.

Seth:
[to Ryan] Do you want to play Grand Theft Auto? It's pretty cool. You can like, steal cars and... not that that's cool. Or uncool. I don't know.

Kirsten:
You brought him home? This is not a stray puppy, Sandy.

Sandy:
I know that, Kirsten.

Kirsten:
I knew it was only a matter of time before you started bringing home felons.

Karen Coughlin:
What are you doing, putting my daughter in Calvin Klein? She was supposed to wear Vera Wang.

Peggy:
And she would if she had the chest to hold it up. It's called puberty, honey. It'll happen. Okay, girls, chop chop. Show time.

Julie:
[to Kaitlin] Do you like my hair this straight or is it too Avril Lavigne?

Marissa:
No, it looks good, Mom.

Julie:
[sees Marissa behind her] Oh, Marissa. You look... oh honey, I thought you were going to wear your hair down. Pulled back like that, it's a little harsh on your angles.

Jimmy:
[heads downstairs and to the front door] Okay, let's go!

Julie:
It's going to be so amazing tonight. Are you going to wear the Donna Karan, Maris? I thought it was very forgiving.

Ryan:
This is a nice car. I didn't know your kind of lawyer made money.

Sandy:
No, we don't. My wife does.

Sandy:
Don't salt his game, honey.

Kirsten:
What the hell does that mean?

Sandy:
There's a whole world outside this Newport Beach bubble.

Kirsten:
You don't seem to mind living in this bubble.

Sandy:
I know there's something else out there.

Sandy:
So, I'd thought we'd head out to the fashion show at around seven.

Seth:
Yeah, okay. Have fun.

Sandy:
Come on. It's a whole new school year, Seth.

Seth:
It's also the same kids, Dad. Why do they even need a fashion show? Every day's a fashion show for these people.

Sandy:
Yeah, well, Ryan has to go. Marissa invited him.

Seth:
[to Ryan] Marissa invited you? I've lived next door to Marissa since, like, forever. Her dad almost got married to my mom even and, like, she's never even invited me to a birthday.

Sandy:
That is not true. They did not almost get married.

Seth:
Eh.

Ryan:
Hey, maybe Summer will be there.

Seth:
That's interesting. She is Marissa's best friend. 7:00?

Sandy:
Smart kid like you. You got to have a plan. Some kind of a dream.

Ryan:
Yeah, right. Let me tell you something, okay? Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true? That does.

Luke:
Welcome to the O.C., b*tch. This is how it's done in Orange County.

Seth:
Wow, I'm sorry. I should really learn to knock... in case, there's a threesome going on in the bathroom.

Sandy:
When did you become so cynical?

Kirsten:
When did you become so self-righteous?

Sandy:
I've always been self-righteous. You used to find it charming.

[first lines]

Trey Atwood:
I'm your big brother, if I don't teach you this - who will?

[smashes car window]

Ryan:
I don't know, Trey.

Trey Atwood:
Quit being a little b*tch! Get in!

[Ryan slams driver door shut]

Trey Atwood:
Yeah.

[Ryan looks behind at the approaching cops]

Trey Atwood:
Come on, let's go, Ryan!

[Ryan gets inside]

Trey Atwood:
Yeah! Yo, you should see your face man!

[about to crash]

Ryan:
No, no, no!

Sandy:
Ryan, Sandy Cohen. The courts appointed me your public defender.

[Ryan's not impressed]

Sandy:
You could do worse. You okay? They treating you alright?

Ryan:
Where's my brother?

Sandy:
Uh, Trey is over 18. Trey stole a car; Trey had a gun in his pants, an ounce of pot in his pocket, a couple of priors. I'm guessing right now, Trey's looking at three to five years. But Trey's not my concern. This is your first time in lockup. I'm assuming you don't plan on coming back. Your grades... are not great. Suspended twice for fighting, truancy three times. Other than that...

[stares in amazement at Ryan]

Sandy:
Your test scores? 98th percentile on your SAT1's. Ryan, 98th percentile, you start going to class. Are you thinking about college?

[Ryan scoffs]

Sandy:
Have you given any thought to your future? Dude, I'm on your side. Come on, help me out here...

Ryan:
-Modern medicine is advancing to the point where the average human life span will be 100. But I read this article which said Social Security is supposed to run out by the year 2025, which means people are going to have to stay at their jobs until they're 80. So I don't want to commit to anything too soon.

[Sandy chuckles]

Sandy:
Look, I can plead this down to a misdemeanor. Petty fine, probation. But know this, "stealing a car cause you're big brother told you to," it's stupid and it's weak and those are two things you can't afford to be anymore.

Ryan:
Two more things.

Sandy:
You wanna change that? Then, you're gonna have to get over the fact that life dealt you a bad hand. I get it, we're cut from the same deck, Ryan. I grew up, no money, bad part of the Bronx, my father was gone, my mother worked all the time... I was pissed off, I was stupid.

Ryan:
Look at you now.

[exchange looks; beat]

Sandy:
Smart kid like you. You gotta have a plan. Some kind of dream.

Ryan:
Yeah... right. Let me tell you something, okay? Where I'm from, having a dream doesn't make you smart. Knowing it won't come true?

[Sandy squints]

Ryan:
That does.

Ryan:
[meeting at Marisa's Grave Site] Thanks for meeting me.

Julie:
I'm here every day.

Dr. Neil Roberts:
Julie! My god! Are you alright? Is there an earthquake I didn't feel?

Julie:
No. Help me. I was just trying to rearrange some furniture. I got some very helpful tips from HGTV.

Dr. Neil Roberts:
Oh great. They suggested that you try to move a built-in?

Julie:
I didn't know it was a built-in.

Dr. Neil Roberts:
It's not anymore.

Julie:
Hey Kaitlin! Why aren't you in school?

Kaitlin Cooper:
'Cause it's 8 PM. And it's Saturday.

Marissa:
I hate Christmas.

Ryan:
Well, Chrismukkah, ain't much better.

Ryan:
Drinking, crying, cops, well it must be Christmas.

Seth:
I've got Jesus and Moses working on my side.

Ryan:
You better pray for a Chrismukkah miracle.

Seth:
I've got Jesus and Moses on my side, man.

Seth:
My father, the struggling Jew from the Bronx... and my mother, Waspy McWasp.

[Summer tries to impress the comic-obsessed Seth by dressing as Wonder Woman]

Seth:
[clearly impressed] I think I'm gonna pass out.

Summer Roberts:
[throws the Lasso of Truth around Seth] You're not going anywhere.

Seth Cohen:
I gotta say, this year, not as good as last.

Ryan Atwood:
You think?

Seth Cohen:
I do. I mean, look, we all tried some new things, and that was fun. Yard guys, illegitimate daughters, less fighting, more live music...

Ryan Atwood:
Well, I think you remember last year as better because it was all new.

Seth Cohen:
So you think I've sentimentalized the past all out of proportion?

Ryan Atwood:
Yeah, come on. We can't keep living in last year.

Seth Cohen:
Sure we can.

Seth Cohen:
Well, Coop, I think I got...

Marissa Cooper:
First of all, only Summer calls me Coop.

Seth Cohen:
Yeah, but I figured, we're back together now, and, you know, A equals C and B equals C, then A equals B. You know what I'm sayin'.

Marissa Cooper:
No, I really don't

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
It was the 80s. I was young, I had no money, and... it was the 80s.

Carter Buckley:
It's just a little thing I like to call my wedding anniversary.

Kirsten Cohen:
You're divorced.

Carter Buckley:
No wonder this party sucks.

Alex:
If you go to the bonfire - its on!

Ryan:
Fine, this sort of thing used to be my speciality. Word of advice, if you have to work this hard, its not working.

Seth Cohen:
That is one angry lesbian.

Ryan Atwood:
If we haven't gotten Trey out of the store... I swear he would've taken the guy out.

Seth Cohen:
So he's got rage issues... like uh... like Summer, or...

Ryan Atwood:
He's just got a lot of pride, you know...

Carter Buckley:
You sound like you have a wonderful family.

Sandy Cohen:
I do, thank you, including my mother-in-law, the porn star.

Kirsten:
I came to see how you were.

Julie:
I'm great. Some of the neighbours are having cockfights in an hour, using stray dogs. It's a holiday tradition. My money's on the feisty Weimaraner.

Kirsten:
Good, because I'm awful.

Julie:
I'm spitting Skoal into a can, drinking wine from a bottle I unscrewed, and living in a home that, if I wanted to, I could put in reverse. I'm beyond awful.

Seth:
No wait, listen to me. This wouldn't be just an ordinary bar mitzvah, you know what this would be? Wait for it... wait... A Chrismuckkah Bar mitzvahkkah. Spell that dude!

Ryan:
That's crazy.

Seth:
Yeah? So crazy that it just might work.

Marissa:
So we throw a big party...

Summer:
And Ryan gets the money from the bar mitzvah?

Marissa:
And then we can spend the money for Johnny's surgery.

Ryan:
How's this going to work? Am I just gonna stand in front of Newport and sing in Hebrew?

Seth:
You chant, and hell yes.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
[In bed] It's been so long since we've done this.

Jimmy Cooper:
It's like riding a bike ... Well, an incredibly toned and, you know, evenly tanned and limber bike, you know, with a really sharp mind and an incredible sense of ... interior design.

Lindsay Gardner:
When I was little, all my friends were waiting for something from Santa, and I was just hoping for something ... anything, from my dad.

Ryan Atwood:
Still waiting?

Lindsay Gardner:
Not anymore. Every kid grows up and stops believing in Santa. I stopped believing in my dad.

Summer Roberts:
Well, you guys can all give up. But I still believe in a Chrismukkah miracle ... And I have a plan!

Summer Roberts:
Whoa, Coop, I cannot believe your dad lives on a boat. That is SO Miami Vice.

Marissa Cooper:
You've seen Miami Vice?

Summer Roberts:
Repeats. My stepmom finds the pastel colors soothing.

Marissa Cooper:
She's on some interesting drugs these days.

Summer Roberts:
I'll tell her to keep them away from you.

Seth Cohen:
[to Lindsay] Congratulations, you're a Cohen. Welcome to a life of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Seth:
Oh no, the Atwood grunt, that's never a good sign

Johnny Harper:
[Johnny is drunk and on the cliff] Marissa! Hey Marissa, wanna see Ryan save me again?

Seth:
[Seth is high and just finished watching "Save the Last Dance" with Summer] This is pretty amazing too.

Summer:
It's just a blue screen Cohen.

Seth:
I know, it's so blue. I never realized it was so blue before. It's kind of like I wanna go swimming in it or something.

Summer:
Yeah...

Seth:
A little dippy-dip.

Summer:
Kay, it's pretty blue. Will you excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom.

Seth:
Yeah, I'm not going anywhere. I'm not going anywhere. We should... we should take our pants off.

Johnny Harper:
[Johnny is drunk and on the cliff] Marissa! Hey Marissa wanna see Ryan save me again?

Dr. Neil Roberts:
How's dinner coming?

Julie Cooper:
Fantastic. You wouldn't happen to know how to cook a turkey, would you?

Julie Cooper:
I just wanted to tell you that I'm sorry.

Sandy Cohen:
I don't think I've ever heard you say that before.

Julie Cooper:
I don't think I've ever meant it.

Prefrosh #1:
The fact is, the US has been performing its own Jihads for decades. Just, instead of Allah, the killing is done in the name of oil.

Pre Frosh #2:
Totally.

Summer Roberts:
...You guys, what is Jihad?

Prefrosh #1:
...Exactly!

Pre Frosh #2:
Way to reframe the question, Summer.

Seth Cohen:
Dr. Overbee, I have to get in here, okay? And it's not just because I love it, although I do, truly I do. It's because of a girl. Her name is Summer Roberts, and she's going here. And if I don't get in I'm going to lose her, and the rest of my life is going to be ruined.

Dr. Overbee:
So this is about a girl?

Seth Cohen:
Yes. It's about *the* girl.

Kirsten Cohen:
I'd like to propose a toast. To Sandy Cohen, who has told me countless times over the last year how important this hospital is to him. You know, they say that when you grow up you marry your father. I thought I'd escaped that.

Seth Cohen:
Yes. Kumar Zimmerman. I'm half Indian, half Jewish. I am a Hinjew.

Marissa Cooper:
I love you.

Ryan Atwood:
Thank you.

Marissa Cooper:
You're welcome?

[at the end of the episode]

Ryan Atwood:
I love you.

Marissa Cooper:
What?

Ryan Atwood:
I love you.

Marissa Cooper:
Thank you.

Marissa Cooper:
[speaking to Ryan, played by Benjamin McKenzie who at this time was often described as looking like a young Russell Crowe] I dunno. Russell Crowe? He just doesn't do anything for me. I mean people say he's good looking. But I don't see it.

[Marissa is calling Ryan]

Marissa:
Oh, come on, pick up, pick up.

Ryan:
Hello.

Marissa:
Ryan, it's me.

Marissa:
What's going on? Where are you?

Marissa:
I can't really talk right now, it's Oliver, you were right and now he won't let me leave.

Oliver Trask:
[holding gun] Hang up.

Marissa:
What are you doing?

Oliver Trask:
Hang up the phone. Please. Please, Marissa, give me the phone.

[hands over phone]

Oliver Trask:
Bye, Ryan.

Summer:
[standing on a coffee cart] Look, I love you this much, and I wanna be with you now, and next year, and whatever comes after that. So I'm asking, in the presence of this coffee cart and the sacred moment that it represents, if you can honestly tell me that you don't love me anymore.

Summer:
The break-up is off. That's right, I broke up with you, and technically it's within my power to technically un-break us up.

Seth Cohen:
You can do that?

Summer:
Technically, I just did. So unless you can explain to my satisfaction what your deal is and why you suddenly don't want to be together next year, we're back on. Technically, efficiently, completely.

Summer:
Remember when the boys made us watch that movie about the gay guys on the mountain?

Marissa:
Lord of the Rings.

Summer:
Yeah. And you remember that Gollum guy - how he got evil and more evil the closer he got to the firey thing? That's how Seth is about Brown.

Summer:
You remember when the guys made us watch that film with the gay guys on the mountain?

Marissa:
Lord of the Rings?

Summer:
Yeah.

Ryan Atwood:
Seth, I gotta ask. Did you really get into Brown?

Seth Cohen:
Did I get in? Now who's smoking pot? Listen to me, the only class I've ever gotten less than an A in was gym. My essay on the loneliness of being Superman made Mrs Rushfield cry. So of course I... Oh God, how did I not get in?

Taylor Townsend:
Getting a man is like capturing a wily silverback gorilla in the Ugandan highlands. You see, nature is telling the gorilla to stay in the wild, but both you and I know that that gorilla would be much happier back in the zoo on a normal feeding schedule. But sometimes he's just gotta roar and beat his chest before he'll let you shoot him with a tranq dart.

Kirsten Cohen:
Sandy, I'm so sorry.

Sandy Cohen:
Hey, we can bend this thing. Doesn't mean it's gonna break.

Seth Cohen:
Hey Ryan, apparently Mom's a drunk and today's the intervention. Plan your afternoon accordingly.

Seth Cohen:
This isn't supposed to happen to us. We're not that family.

Kirsten Cohen:
Don't you say a word, I let you into this house.

Ryan Atwood:
Yeah you did, because my own mom couldn't take care of me. Because she wouldn't get help even though I asked her to. I don't want to see that happen again to someone I love.

Kirsten Cohen:
I don't know who you are but I am not going.

Seth Cohen:
Mom, please. You gotta do this.

Sandy Cohen:
The car accident she had. Did you know she'd been drinking?

Seth Cohen:
No I didn't, because you only just told me.

Ryan Atwood:
Do you want me to talk to him? Tell him you're doing the right thing, because you are.

Sandy Cohen:
Thanks but that's my job.

Hailey Nichol:
Kiks, you know mom battled this and you know that if it was me you'd do the same thing.

Kirsten Cohen:
I don't know that. All the time you were partying and taking drugs I encouraged you to make better choices I didn't lock you up.

Jimmy Cooper:
The coopers making a comeback, who'd have thunk it?

Marissa Cooper:
Hey, can I call you back?

Seth Cohen:
No, we got a problem. We're on our way to Trey's but you're closer, maybe you can stop him.

Marissa Cooper:
What do you mean?

Seth Cohen:
Ryan knows.

Sandy Cohen:
I found your stash.

Sandy Cohen:
Kirsten's always enjoyed a glass or two of wine, but recently it's changed.

Dr. Kenneth Woodruff:
Changed how?

Sandy Cohen:
Well, she's switched to vodka for one.

Seth Cohen:
I know what happened to Marissa. I guess while we were in Miami Trey kind of attacked her or something, I mean she fought him off but that's how he got the cut on his head.

Ryan Atwood:
All year I've tried to be a different person. I can't do that anymore.

Summer Roberts:
Ok, we'll go just as soon as you tell me what's going on.

Marissa Cooper:
What do you mean?

Summer Roberts:
Weird bruises and tension around Trey, then that cut on your head and you don't even bother to make up an excuse. Marissa, please don't lie to me. I'm your best friend and I know something happened.

Anna Stern:
I mean, whatever you think about the whole superhero movie genre, at least it's getting people to read the original source material.

Seth Cohen:
I cannot believe that you read comic books. I mean, you're a girl.

Anna Stern:
What is that supposed to mean? And I call them graphic novels. In fact, if more people did, maybe the whole form wouldn't be so marginalized.

Seth Cohen:
I couldn't agree more.

Anna:
Could you be any more pathetic? Lone figure, sitting on the floor, wondering if he's going to be lonely for the rest of his life.

Seth:
Oh, hey, your sensitivity, it's really... nonexistent.

Anna:
You know what your problem is? You're not a man.

Seth:
Again, not appreciating the brutal honesty.

Seth:
Are you just not going to go 'cause you're afraid of Luke?

Ryan:
That's not what I'm afraid of. Look, your parents taking me in, that's, like, the greatest thing that's ever happened to me. I'm not going to lose it just to kick some guy's ass.

Seth:
But you could totally kick his ass, right?

Ryan:
Oh, yeah.

Anna:
Do you know what girls find sexy?

Seth:
Nope. Uh, wait, let me guess. Dudes who play water polo?

Anna:
Confidence!

Summer:
[looking at Ryan] Every girl needs a white knight.

Seth:
Seth Cohen, white knight.

Summer:
[to Marissa about Luke] God, he loves you. He got into a fight and burned down a house over you. That's hot.

Ryan:
You knew about this and didn't say anything.

Seth:
I didn't want to jinx it. Dude, you're a Cohen now. Welcome to a world of insecurity and paralyzing self-doubt.

Jimmy:
She just stopped by to ask a quick business question.

Julie:
A quickie, huh?

Kirsten:
[to Ryan] We should clean all this out so that you'll have room for some of your... right. You don't have any stuff. Which means we've got to go shopping. For clothes and shoes and underpants.

Seth:
Mom, don't say underpants.

Ryan:
I used to want to be an architect.

Kirsten:
And what do you want to be now?

Ryan:
Seventeen.

Kirsten:
Me too.

Kirsten:
Seth, it's Mom.

Seth:
Mom, hmm? Blonde, sharp Anglican features, cute little nose?

Kirsten:
Come home.

Seth:
Did Ryan come back?

Kirsten:
Seth Ezekiel.

Seth:
Okay, using the dreaded middle name is not the best way to forge a bond.

Seth:
Ok, here's the deal. I hate it there. Now if you and Dad decide to move anywhere else on the planet then we can talk.

Sandy Cohen:
Watch your mouth. I was being polite.

Seth:
Huh, so we leave for three months, you tear the place apart.

Kirsten:
He used to be such a good kid.

Sandy Cohen:
But he's turning into quite the angry young man.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Ok Nixon, paranoid much?

Sandy Cohen:
Wow, you've really flipped your noodle.

Sandy Cohen:
Sometimes the best thing is for a kid to have some space.

Kirsten:
The Pacific Ocean? That's not enough space?

Summer Roberts:
I feel like my flesh is melting. I just hope it melts evenly.

Caleb Nichol:
Do you hear a clicking on the phone? Every time I try to dial out I swear I hear a clicking.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Okay, Nixon. Paranoid, much? What's going on with you, Cal? You're either hopped up on blow or something's seriously wrong.

Sandy Cohen:
I've always liked Luke. Kind of a big Golden Retriever.

Ryan Atwood:
Actually, he kinda is.

Summer Roberts:
Well my therapist said the best thing I can do to move on in my life is to divest myself of Seth's material possessions. [Kirsten looks confused] I've got to dump off a bunch of his crap.

Caleb Nichol:
I don't get it. His best friend leaves, so he runs off with another boy and his gay dad? Seems kind of strange.

Sandy Cohen:
And this coming from a guy who is one click away from wearing a wig and a fake mustache.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
You two are still-?

Jimmy Cooper:
Yeah, we're doing great. She's fantastic, sweet, limber. How about you and Caleb?

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Not so limber.

Ryan Atwood:
How'd you make it all the way from Newport on that little catamaran?

Seth:
Hm. Well, Ryan, sit down, my son. It was a long and torturous journey, and I'm not gonna, I'm not gonna sugar coat any details with you...

Ryan Atwood:
Please don't.

Seth:
-'cause we're friends. First, I sailed to Catalina. Then, I sailed to Santa Barbara. Santa Barbara, I ran out of snacks. Freaked out a little bit, pawned my boat for cash, took a Greyhound to Portland.

Ryan Atwood:
You took a bus.

Seth:
Yeah. But don't say it like that, cause it was a local. Okay, have you ever been in one of those? Okay, not for the faint of heart.

Ryan Atwood:
I can't believe after all that you took a bus.

Seth:
Yeah. I think we're definitely going to have to come up with a better story for school though, that'd be good.

Ryan Atwood:
I don't know, I like the bus idea. It's cool.

Seth:
Okay, what about maybe... boat sank, saved by whales? It's very Whale Rider.

Ryan Atwood:
What else you' got?

Seth:
I took a boat, boat sank, saved by a mermaid? Boat sank, stranded on a desert island...

Ryan Atwood:
Hey, so, ah, I was thinking.

Seth:
I was thinking too. You know they don't even have a water polo team here. That's just gonna be a problem for me.

Jimmy Cooper:
So what's going on in your life?

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Aside from our daughter being the spawn of Chucky and Keith Moon?

Marissa Cooper:
Mom wants to take me with her to cardio. She thinks it's another way we can "bond". I almost want to go, so I can work out and get strong enough to kick her ass.

Summer Roberts:
Marissa, do you really think you should be going to cardio? Do you really need it?

Marissa Cooper:
What's that supposed to mean?

Summer Roberts:
No offence, and I really mean this in as a good thing, but you have gotten very thin recently.

Marissa Cooper:
I eat.

[Summer takes a sip on her drink and almost chokes]

Summer Roberts:
[grimacing] Uh, and you apparently drink too! What's in this? Lighter fluid?

Marissa Cooper:
[takes a sip without blinking an eye] It's my own drink. I call it a Newport iced tea.

Summer Roberts:
It's ten o'clock in the morning. It's a little too early to be drinking.

Marissa Cooper:
For who?

Taylor Townsend:
So, what do Brutus, Judas, Benedict Arnold, Julius Rosenberg, Ethel Rosenberg - although that's debatable - and you have in common?

Summer Roberts:
We all did what we thought was right?

Julie Cooper:
[reading invite] "Gordon Bullit invites you and a hot guest to start 2007 with a bang."

Gordon Bullit:
Whoa, that joke never gets old, does it? Been using it since 1989!

Taylor Townsend:
Okay, can you keep a secret? But I mean, a big secret, like a really big secret.

Summer Roberts:
Yeah.

Taylor Townsend:
I think you might be pregnant.

Kaitlin Cooper:
You really like her, don't you?

Gordon Bullit:
Oh yeah, peanut, she's under my skin. The whole time I was in Riyadh, I didn't once try to peak under a girl's burka.

Seth Cohen:
[putting down the bag with the pregnancy test] When I found out it was your pregnancy test I totally freaked out, and I thought, this'll change everything. But then Ryan asked if I could imagine a time when I'd ever not wanna be with you, and I realized the answer is no.

Summer Roberts:
I'm totally pregnant, aren't I?

Seth Cohen:
I don't know.

Summer Roberts:
What do you mean you don't know?

[Seth holds up a ring]

Summer Roberts:
Is that gonna like squirt invisible ink or something?

Seth Cohen:
No, but it will make you engaged to me.

Summer Roberts:
What? Are you insane?

Seth Cohen:
Possibly, but I'm certain on this.

Summer Roberts:
No, Cohen, we can't.

Seth Cohen:
Sure we can, we're both adults, we don't share DNA...

Summer Roberts:
But...

Seth Cohen:
You just have to want to. I do.

Summer Roberts:
Don't you think we should look at the test first?

Seth Cohen:
And have you wonder for the rest of your life if I proposed to you because you're pregnant? I'm doing this because I love you and I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

Summer Roberts:
You know, once you do this, you can't take it back.

Seth Cohen:
Summer Roberts, will you marry me?

Seth:
I've been doing some checking-up on your new roommate. His favorite book and movie are Da Vinci Code. He's no me.

Ryan:
You say that like it's a bad thing.

Seth:
At least I leave you funnier than when I found you.

Ryan:
I'm a lot better off than when you found me.

Seth:
Me too.

Summer:
Pancakes had babies! When did this happen?

Taylor Townsend:
You didn't know she was pregnant?

Summer:
I didn't know he was a she. Oh my god... I'm a bad crack mother.

Summer:
I told Seth I wouldn't watch 'Briefcase or no briefcase' until he got home, so I'm reading about The Valley.

Taylor Townsend:
Oh my God, that show's still on?

Summer:
Just got picked up for five more seasons. You know, these teen dramas they just run forever.

[last lines]

Ryan:
Hey kid! You need help?

Seth:
Face it, our chemistry is undeniable.

Summer:
You know what else is undeniable?

Seth:
What?

Summer:
The pain this fork is going to cause when I jam it into your eye!

[Seth and Summer get in the same bed]

Summer:
[glares] You make a move, I rip out your jugular.

Seth:
Oh, hey, pillow talk.

Summer:
Be, like, a gentleman.

Seth:
Chivalry's dead, sugar.

Summer:
My hair is frizzing out. I look like Howard Stern!

Seth:
See, strangely, I feel like my Jew-fro benefits from this climate.

Summer:
You're Jewish?

Seth:
Yes. That's why I feel so comfortable in this desert heat.

Marissa:
Hey, we're lucky that guy even stopped for us.

Summer:
Well, we'd be even luckier if Cole Trickle here hadn't driven us off the road!

Seth:
Who the hell is Cole Trickle?

Summer:
Ugh, Tom Cruise? Days of Thunder?

Marissa:
Hey guys, can we try to be positive here?

Seth:
Yeah, okay, I am positive that this is Summer's fault.

Summer:
I am positive that I am leaving this place with a rash.

Seth:
Oh, so you're planning on making some extra money tonight?

Seth:
I'm going 70 in a 65 zone.

Summer:
80 is the new 70.

Seth:
What? Who talks like that?

Summer:
Who gets passed by a van full of nuns? Oh wait, who? Cohen does!

Seth:
Well, they have God on their side okay, Summer? I'm not going to beat Jesus.

Sandy Cohen:
Honey, I don't want to alarm you, but there is a giant Julie Cooper on the table.

Seth Cohen:
I am a man in the desert. I'm dying of thirst. You have a thermos full of Kool-Aid. Come on, give me a sip. Did you meet the ex? I know you did.

Ryan Atwood:
All right. Yes, I did.

Seth Cohen:
And, who is he?

Ryan Atwood:
He... is a she.

Summer Roberts:
So, I'm sorry for being Ultra-B*tch 2000 tonight.

Zach Stevens:
Tonight?

Alex:
[to Jodie and Seth] I would have introduced you guys, but I didn't want you to meet.

Kirsten:
Oh my. There's so much you here.

Ryan Atwood:
So Alex hooked up with a girl. It's not a big deal.

Seth Cohen:
Ryan, my girlfriend dated a girl. It's a very big deal. There's only one thing ? can do to make it okay.

Zach Stevens:
You're gonna hook up with a guy?

Seth Cohen:
The story's old as time, really. Boy meets girl, boy likes girl, boy finds out girl is surrogate mother's illegitimate half-sister.

Seth Cohen:
I'm so screwed. When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When I get mad, I turn into, like, a 75-year-old yenta called Sylvia.

Marissa Cooper:
Well, if it isn't the wicked witch of the west coast.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Are you drunk? [to D.J] Let me guess: tequila?

D.J.:
She was like this when I picked her up.

Marissa Cooper:
You don't have to defend youself to her.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
No, but you do young lady!

Marissa Cooper:
Come on, let's go D.J. before she tries to sleep with you next.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
What did you say?

Marissa Cooper:
You heard me you whore! You know let's do it. Let's tell everyone right here! [to Jimmy] You know, let's tell everyone why you're leaving Dad. Why don't you tell everyone why you're leaving?

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Marissa...

Marissa Cooper:
Get off me!

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
[to Jimmy] You see what you're leaving me with? You see how screwed up she is?

Marissa Cooper:
Of course I'm screwed up! I'm the daughter of a thief and a slut! I just hate you both so much!

[Seth and Ryan get home and Seth is drunk]

Seth:
Oh, I know who lives here.

Ryan:
Yeah.

Seth:
It's the Cohen residence in the hizzy.

Ryan:
[stops car in the drive-way] Okay, we gotta be really stealth here.

Seth:
Hey,I was on camp capture the flag, Camp Takahoa, I invented the stealth.

Ryan:
[smiles] Right, you did.

Seth:
I sure did.

Ryan:
But you're yelling, you need to be quiet.

Seth:
I haven't been this wased [whispers] since you first night in Newport, when we beat up those kids. [gets louder] With a little bit, little bit of that, [getting out of the car] With a little bit of thaaat Little bit of that. [falls on trash cans]

Sandy:
What's going on? You guys okay? Seth?

Seth:
[gets up] Shhh! We're being stealth. Shh. [jumps on the car hood and flips]

Seth Cohen:
No, I'm not wallowing, Ryan, I'm agonizing. The two are vastly different.

Ryan Atwood:
Really?

Seth Cohen:
Yeah. See, wallowing, that's, like, lounging around eating ice cream, watching, eh, VH1. But agonizing, that's more like MTV2, okay. It's no thrills, requires discipline.

Marissa Cooper:
I just figured, if I can't even tell my best friend, maybe I'm not ready for this.

Alex Kelly:
So you're here to break up with me.

Marissa Cooper:
Then I told her.

Marissa:
I've been dating Alex.

Summer:
What?

Marissa:
I mean, Alex and I, we've been dating.

Summer:
What? WHAT?

Marissa:
Just for a couple of weeks.

Summer:
Alex? Seth's Alex?

Marissa:
[nods] Mm-hmm.

Summer:
Girl Alex?

Marissa:
Yeah.

Summer:
Huh. Well, who else knows?

Marissa:
Uh, just you.

Summer:
Huh. So, you and Alex. Have you two been...

Marissa:
Uh uh. Me and Alex... yes, we have.

Summer:
So, are you like a...

Marissa:
No! I mean... I don't know. I just... I really like her.

Summer:
Well, she is pretty hot.

Marissa:
Hey look, you don't have to say anything. It's just... I really needed to tell you. We're still friends, right?

Summer:
Of course we are. Come here.

[they hug]

Summer:
Aww, this isn't turning you on, right?

Marissa:
Listen, about earlier, I got freaked out.

Alex:
I know.

Marissa:
It's just... I tried to tell Summer, and I couldn't.

Alex:
Oh.

Marissa:
Yeah, and then I came here, thinking we'd talk about it.

Alex:
And you got even more freaked out.

Marissa:
I just figured, if I'm not ready to tell my best friend, then maybe I'm not ready for this.

Alex:
So, you're here to break up with me?

Marissa:
Then I told her.

Alex:
Wait, you told Summer, about us?

Marissa:
Mm-hmm. So, where have all your friends gone?

Alex:
Seriously?

Marissa:
Well, you still want me to meet them, don't you?

[after meeting Julie for the first time]

Lindsay Gardner:
We should put garlic up on the front door in case she comes back.

Renee Wheeler:
Definately.

Taylor Townsend:
sometimes i take pictures of you with my camera phone when you're not looking

Ryan:
My mom ditched me. I burned down your wife's house. How is this going to be okay?

Seth:
Hi, Summer. Seth Cohen.

Summer:
I'm superstitious. Blow on these.

Seth:
What?

Dawn:
I didn't know what I was doing when I married your dad. I was too young when I had your brother. But with you... You were always the smart one. You know? The good one. When you got arrested... I knew I'd failed, and... you were my last hope. I should go.

Ryan:
Wait.

Summer:
[screams in delight and pulls him towards the table] You're not going anywhere, Sid.

Seth:
Seth.

Summer:
Whatever!

Ryan:
What are you even doing here?

Dawn:
I came... for you.

Ryan:
Why? What do you want from me? You left a note. A note.

Dawn:
Okay, let me explain...

Ryan:
You abandoned me. You threw me out. You just took off.

Dawn:
I know, honey. I was... and A.J., and... the drinking, and... It's going to be different now.

Ryan:
That's what you said when we moved from Fresno after dad got arrested.

Dawn:
So... you caught me.

Kirsten:
You can't do this. You're his mother.

Dawn:
I'm a mess. Not a mother.

Julie:
He basically called me white trash. He said I was from Riverside.

Jimmy:
Honey, you are from Riverside.

Julie:
It was his tone.

Sandy:
[after hearing Julie gossiping about him and Kirsten] Morning ladies, mind if I join you? May I? [grabs a chunk out of Julie's muffin] I couldn't help overhearing.

Julie:
Oh. I hope you're not...

Sandy:
Mad? Offended? No. I am disappointed and frankly I'm a little surprised. This is supposed to be a neighborhood who welcomes outsiders, I mean me I'm all the way from the Bronx and you, you're from Riverside, right? Which is not that different from where Ryan's from [cell phone rings] Excuse me. Hello? Yeah, Dawn. That's her. Great, thanks. [hangs up] Thanks for the muffin.

Julie:
[later] You will not believe what Sandy Cohen just said to me. He basically called me white trash. He said I was from Riverside.

Jimmy:
Honey. You are from Riverside.

Julie:
It was his tone.

Seth:
What are you doing?

Kirsten:
Taking a Newpsie break.

Kirsten:
I have dropped all the charges, I have even hired someone to find his mother. What more do you want?

Seth:
I want you to come with me.

Julie:
Kirsten? Hi. We're talking about the bunting. Is acetate ok?

Kirsten:
Yeah.

Julie:
Great.

Kirsten:
Give me 15 minutes to lose the ladies.

Marissa:
Look, Luke and I got in a fight last night, okay?

Julie:
So you got into a fight. You've had fights before. You guys have been together forever.

Marissa:
Maybe that's the problem. I mean, what if there's someone else out there?

Julie:
Like who, that boy from Chino? Marissa, do you want to end up like your Aunt Cindy, with four kids in a trailer park? She broke my mother's heart. I will not let you break mine.

Marissa:
Oh, so now this is about you?

Sandy:
Well, I should be off. Got to find the next kid to jeopardize the community. Maybe a black kid. Or an Asian kid. Bye, ladies.

Caleb Nichol:
You're not serious. You're still smoking the weed, aren't you?

Kirsten Cohen:
Dad!

Seth Cohen:
Daddy smoked weed?

Kirsten Cohen:
Out now. Private conversation.

Seth Cohen:
Ryan, guess who's a stoner!

Seth:
Is it twisted to find my potential grandma really hot?

Ryan:
Not when she looks like that.

Summer Roberts:
What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...

Seth Cohen:
Hey, you know what Summer? No.

Summer Roberts:
What?

Seth Cohen:
All you've done this whole evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.

Summer Roberts:
Ok, that is not true [Seth looks at her] Ok, maybe a little.

Seth Cohen:
Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your b*obs?

Summer Roberts:
Which guy was staring at my b*obs?

Seth Cohen:
Who cares. The point is that none of those guys really knows you. They don't care about who you really are. In fact, I'll bet they have no idea that every day of third grade you shared your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.

Summer Roberts:
I hated that mean squirrel.

Seth Cohen:
And, none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking because you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.

Summer Roberts:
Poem? What poem?

Seth Cohen:
"I... wish I was a mermaid"

Summer Roberts:
You remember that? That must've been, like, sixth grade.

Seth Cohen:
"I wish I was a mermaid, and friends with all the fish, a shiny tail and seashells, that's- [Summer kisses him] what I would wish"

Seth:
[trying not to cry] Anna, wait a second. What am I going to do without you? Who am I going to play Jenga with? You're so wise and all your sage wisdom, what am I going to do without that?

Anna:
[smiles] Confidence, Cohen.

Seth:
[Journey's "Seperate Ways" plays on car radio] Come on, man. Her flight leaves soon.

Ryan Atwood:
I'm doing 75 in a 65, all right?

Seth:
[mimicking Ryan] "I'm doing 75 in a - " Everyone knows 80 is the new 75.

Ryan Atwood:
What? Who talks like that?

Seth:
What is up with this a.c? My Jewfro is frizzing out. I look like Screech.

Ryan Atwood:
The a.c's fine.

Seth:
What is this music?

Ryan Atwood:
Do not insult Journey. All right?

Taylor Townsend:
Have I told you about my after-after prom party with Sung Ho *and* Young Nam? It was hot and spicy, and let's just say I had my very own Korean barbecue.

Sandy Cohen:
I love you, kid.

Seth Cohen:
I can't say I love you to another man, but I have much affection for you as well.

Sandy Cohen:
We're doing the right thing in trusting them.

Kirsten Cohen:
I know.

Sandy Cohen:
They're adults. We couldn't have stopped them if we tried.

Kirsten Cohen:
I know.

Sandy Cohen:
...I'm going to Mexico.

Kirsten Cohen:
I'm going with you.

Summer Roberts:
Taylor, you got married!

Taylor Townsend:
It was Paris. It seemed like the thing to do.

Sandy Cohen:
You told Ryan where to find Volchok. Even for you, this is a new low.

Julie Cooper:
Okay, you know what? You're crazy. I'm just going to say goodnight.

Sandy Cohen:
You sent Ryan down there to commit a murder. I could have you arrested.

Julie Cooper:
But then, you'd get Ryan arrested too. And you're not going to do that, are you?

Sandy Cohen:
If anything had happended to him or to Seth...

Julie Cooper:
[cutting him off] Okay it's late, and I'm not in the mood for threats.

[Julie gets up to leave]

Sandy Cohen:
Sit down!

[Julie complies]

Sandy Cohen:
After everything our families have been through, you would put our kids in danger?

Julie Cooper:
At least you still have all your kids.

Julie Cooper:
There'll be no more hanging out with Brad and Eric. You are to come straight home after school. Do you have any idea how lucky you are that Dean Torres didn't expel you?

Kaitlin Cooper:
Mom, this whole thing is just a crock anyway.

Julie Cooper:
And how is that?

Kaitlin Cooper:
Do you really think that Sudanese refugees have an overwhelming need for Paul Frank tops and last season Manolo Blanhniks?

Julie Cooper:
So you think that you can steal them?

Kaitlin Cooper:
Look, I did research on the Web. They have mountains of donated clothing in warehouses in New Jersey that nobody wants. They have all they ever needed.

Julie Cooper:
[scoffs] You just made that up.

Kaitlin Cooper:
Uh... maybe. But it sounded true, didn't it? I learned it from watching you.

Julie Cooper:
Kaitlin, I can't do this. I can't keep this family together and have you running around like Miss Clockwork Orange. I can't. Honey, please... I need your help.

Kaitlin Cooper:
Mom, do you really think that Dr. Roberts is at that medical conference by himself?

Seth:
So where we goin?

Ryan:
Mexico.

Seth:
Perfect, I need Chiclets.

Summer:
You're in my house.

Seth:
And you're dressed. I wonder who's most disappointed.

Seth:
Who is this?

Summer:
No-one.

Seth:
I'm not no-one.

Summer:
Princess Sparkle. What do you want?

Seth:
She's just Captain Oates's type.

Summer:
Well you tell him to keep his hooves off.

Seth:
It's not like, like now that me and Anna broke up I'm now choosing you. Because the whole reason we broke up is because of me. It's always been you Summer. It's just always been you. I tried to fight it and I tried to deny it. And I can't, I can't do it, you're undeniable.

Seth:
I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. I was like Nemo and I just wanted to go home

Seth:
I had sex with a girl! Summer, to be more specific.

Ryan Atwood:
How was it?

Seth:
I had sex. [whispering]

Ryan Atwood:
That bad?

Seth:
No, not that bad it was just kind of weird.

Ryan Atwood:
Weird?

Seth:
Ye, but not kinky weird, more like awkward. But hey, you know what? It was my first time and she's a more experienced woman, that's to be expected. And I did make some faces in the middle that I wish that I could take back but I can't and there's also sort of a whiny noice that came out towards the end, that wasn't my finest hour. And I sucked so bad. I was like a fish flopping around on dry land. Ryan, I was Nemo and I just wanted to go home.

Sandy:
Did you uhh... use... uh... protection?

Seth:
Oh my god yes. Oh my god yes. Oh my god, I cannot believe you just asked me that.

Seth:
Summer found my stash.

Ryan:
You don't have any visible bruises. Did she... did she go for the kidneys?

Seth:
Trust me, man, no girl wants to be alone on Valentine's Day.

Ryan:
...and you know this because?

Seth:
Because inside my manly exterior beats the heart of a 14-year-old girl.

Seth:
Open your mind here, dad. This isn't me we're talking about. With Ryan here, we have a chance to have a real athlete in the family. Someone to achieve all that your Jewishness has prevented me from accomplishing.

Seth:
I like to think I can convey everything with a look.

Kirsten Cohen:
Well, you look adorable!

Seth:
No.

Kirsten Cohen:
Cute?

Seth:
No.

Kirsten Cohen:
Dope?

Seth:
No.

Kirsten Cohen:
Rad?

Seth:
Please, please, this is so painful for me!

Kirsten Cohen:
Hey Sandy, dosen't Seth look rad?

Sandy Cohen:
Oh, you do look rad! Mad props son!

Marissa:
Hey, so, Seth, did you know that Ryan did musicals?

Seth:
Ryan, that's extremely minty of you. I didn't know they has musicals in Chino. I didn't even know they even had dancing or, or laughter.

Ryan:
That's 'cause no-one lived there as funny as you.

[during the holidays, Seth tries to juggles Anna and Summer without letting them know about each other]

Anna:
[as Seth returns from the pool house, where he has been with Summer] Where have you been?

Seth:
Ryan just asked me to feed his sea monkeys while he was away.

Anna:
Ryan has sea monkeys? I love them! Can I see them?

Seth:
[desperate] No! Uh... you can't see them, that is, well, because they're dead. Suicide. You know how the holidays can be.

Sandy:
How was home?

Ryan:
You tell me, I was in Chino.

Sandy:
Look, Jimmy's a good guy.

Rachel Hoffman:
He's a thief.

Sandy:
And you're a lawyer. It's a perfect match!

Sandy:
[Referring to Caleb and Julie] It's the gruesome twosome!

Seth:
Mom! Marissa went to Chino with Ryan!

Kirsten Cohen:
What! Sweety, I can't here you!

Seth:
Mom, Marissa and Ryan are Chino!

Julie Cooper:
Marissa's in Chino?

Seth:
No, I said Marissa has my chinos! God, I love those pants!

Kate:
You L.A. chicks are so lame!

Summer:
We are not from L.A., we are from Orange County!

Kate:
Orange County? Eww!

Summer:
I'm sorry. Can we go home? Somewhere with real people?

Seth Cohen:
You think we're gonna find that at home? We live in Newport Beach.

Seth Cohen:
I heard this terrible music and I knew it could only be self-absorbed actors with musical instruments.

Marissa Cooper:
Do you watch "The Valley"?

Bouncer:
No, I have a job.

Bouncer:
You here for the party?

Ryan Atwood:
Yeah.

Marissa Cooper:
Wait! Can I come with you? Seriously, it would mean so much to me, it really is my favorite show.

Ryan Atwood:
[Ryan looks at the doorman]

Bouncer:
You're only a teen idol once.

[lets them into the club]

Kate:
Don't tell anyone I'm in grad school.

Summer:
Thank god I had my camera phone! They are autographs of the 21st Century!

Seth:
I'm gonna declare this month "Angst Free Ryan" Month.

Ryan:
A month? You think it's gonna last all month?

Seth:
"Angst Free Ryan" Week, with an option for an extra week, if you like it.

Seth:
[both in shocked silence] I can't believe they were at a motel, it's so cheap, so tawdry.

Ryan:
Yeah, cause that's the real moral of the story here.

Seth:
How could he do it? I mean, I get how he could do it, it's Mrs Cooper.

Ryan:
What about her? It's her daughter's ex-boyfriend. If Marissa ever found out

Seth:
No, she can not find out, she doesn't handle bad news well at all.

Seth Cohen:
[to Summer:] You plan the dance, you leave the toilets to me. [stands up]

Seth Cohen:
I was hoping that'd sound more heroic.

Ryan:
I don't play golf.

Seth:
Not true buddy. You just don't play well.

Kirsten:
[offering Hailey a muffin] Pumpkin muffin?

Sandy:
Yes, darling?

Marissa Cooper:
So, clearly, you're okay with being just friends with Seth.

Summer Roberts:
Mhmm, clearly.

Marissa Cooper:
I was being sarcastic.

Summer Roberts:
So was I - which we never were until Cohen showed up and taught us all irony.

[pause]

Summer Roberts:
Jackass.

Marissa Cooper:
Look, Summ, if it's this hard being around him, then why go? Why do this to yourself?

Summer Roberts:
Because, Coop, I told them I was okay with it. I told them I was fine just being their friend. I have a reputation to uphold.

[pause; Marissa nods]

Summer Roberts:
And, I can't sabotage the trip if I'm not there.

Marissa Cooper:
Summ!

Alex:
You know, you don't have to hang around here all day helping me.

Marissa:
Please, any excuse to avoid my house. My mom has been home for three hours and already I'm going insane.

Alex:
My mom used to drive me crazy too with her egotistical and narcissistic attitude. Then one day, I decided I wasn't going to let it bother me any more.

Marissa:
You make it sound so easy.

Alex:
No, it's like this. Every time my mom would channel Satan, I would take a deep breath, count to three, give her a big smile, and say something like, "Interesting idea, Mom. I'll give that some thought." It shuts her right up.

Marissa:
That really works?

Alex:
Absolutely. Women like that... they thrive on confrontation. But if you refuse to engage, then there's really not anything they can do which makes them go even more out of their heads.

Marissa:
Sounds like a fun way to spend an evening. But you know, anyone who can make my mom even more crazy gets a free dinner. What do you say?

Alex:
Okay, but not tomorrow night. I don't do Valentine's Day first dates. I think it's a jinx.

Marissa:
That's okay.

Alex:
But next week, when we don't have Hallmark breathing down our necks, we'll go on a date. Cool?

Marissa:
Cool.

Alex:
Are you okay?

Marissa:
Yeah, I think I'm okay. I just a terrible dinner with my mom.

Alex:
My confrontation technique work?

Marissa:
I guess so. But also, it was knowing that I could come here and see you. Not that I want to put any pressure on you or anything, it's just... that's how I feel. And, I had to say it.

Alex:
Are you in the mood for the beach?

Marissa:
Now?

Alex:
Yeah, it's almost time.

Marissa:
Time for what?

Alex:
For the tide to change. It's a little ritual I have to watch the high tide change whenever something major is about to change in my life.

Marissa:
I thought you said no dating on Valentine's Day.

Alex:
Screw it. I'm a huge fan of spontaneous first dates.

Marissa:
I am too.

Seth Cohen:
Now that you and I are back together and Lindsay's out of the picture, who knows, maybe Marissa and Ryan might get it together.

Summer Roberts:
Are you crazy? There were, like, the worst couple ever. And besides, Marissa's happy now.

Seth Cohen:
Okay. And by happy you mean... you mean gay.

Summer Roberts:
That's funny.

Alex Kelly:
Our clothes are all pink.

Marissa Cooper:
Pink's the new black. I read it in 'W'... Separating your whites, who knew?

Summer Roberts:
Go to sleep in a mall and wake up in a mall. Come on, it's like being awake, but still dreaming.

Seth Cohen:
What happens in the mall, stays in the mall.

Seth Cohen:
It seems like the Fantastic Four is becoming fantastic again.

Seth Cohen:
[sees Sandy working under the kitchen sink] Oh, father, I'm glad to see you finally found your calling.

Caleb Nichol:
Exactly what I said.

Sandy Cohen:
Nothing like a good crack about a plumber.

Alex Kelly:
Our clothes are all pink.

Marissa:
Pink's the new black. I read it in 'W'... Separating your whites, who knew?

Seth Cohen:
Today's a good day for me, Ryan. I finally came clean, told the truth about not getting into Brown, and things are great. Life is so much better when you're honest, you just mean what you say, you say what you mean - I feel like you.

Ryan Atwood:
Well, now that you're on a roll, are you going to tell Sandy and Kirsten about Brown, too?

Seth Cohen:
Yeah, I don't think so.

Hadley Hawthorne:
I get so horny in the summertime.

Kaitlin Cooper:
Oh honey, you're always horny.

Hadley Hawthorne:
Shut up!

Kaitlin Cooper:
You shut up!

Marissa Cooper:
Okay, both of you shut up.

Luke Ward:
Shut up, queer.

Seth Cohen:
Well, at least I don't shave my chest.

Luke Ward:
What'd you say?

Marissa Cooper:
Luke, come on.

Seth Cohen:
I just said you look nice in a sweater vest. It was a compliment.

Ryan:
What kind of music do you listen to?

Marissa:
Right now, punk.

Seth:
Yeah, I am sorry, but Avril Lavigne doesn't count as punk.

Marissa:
Oh yeah? Well, what about the Cramps? Stiff Little Fingers? The Clash? Sex Pistols?

Seth:
I listen to the same music as Marissa Cooper? I think I have to kill myself.

Ryan:
[laughs insincerely] You know what I like about rich kids?

[punches Luke]

Ryan:
Nothing!

Seth:
That was awesome!

Seth:
Dude, what did you tell her?

Ryan:
I didn't tell her anything. I think the black turtleneck in August tipped her off.

Seth:
Okay, I was going for stealth, and also it's slimming.

Marissa:
I mean, what did I ever do to you?

Seth:
Nothing, Marissa. I've lived next door to you forever and you've never done or said anything to me.

Marissa:
Oh, my God, you're the one who never talks to me. You think you're so much better than everyone.

Seth:
I do? Well, if you're talking about Luke, then yes, because that guy shaves his chest.

Sheriff:
So, you have no idea where Ryan might have gone?

Seth:
I don't know. He did say something about going down to Mexico and gambling on cockfights. I mean, I don't know what kind of jurisdiction you guys...

Sandy:
Quit joking around. Will you answer his question?

Seth:
Yes, I did. I really don't know. I do not know the guy. I never got the chance.

Marissa:
Look, I don't know why Luke does that. Did that. He's just...

Seth:
An ass?

Marissa:
Protective.

Seth:
Dad, I'm sure Ryan's fine. We should just try again when it's light out.

Sandy:
Could be too late by then.

Seth:
Yeah, well, maybe he's better off on his own, anyways.

Sandy:
What does that mean?

Seth:
Okay, if we find him, then what? Then, if he's very lucky he gets to go back with his mom? I would run away, too.

Sandy:
What was he even doing there? Why didn't you tell us?

Seth:
Because he didn't want to go to a foster home. He didn't want to leave and I didn't want him to leave either. It's like, you force me to live amongst these-these pod people and the first cool person I meet, it's like, you kick him out of the house.

Sandy:
I did the best I could.

Seth:
So did I

Ryan:
[to Marissa] You listen to punk, huh?

Marissa:
[matter-of-factly] I'm angry.

Seth:
Fair enough. Where are you going?

Ryan:
I don't know. New town, get a job somewhere, save some money.

Seth:
Great plan. Sounds like you've given it a lot of thought.

Ryan:
I'm not too popular around here, and your boyfriend - a little bit angry.

Marissa:
You're telling me you didn't try to hit him back?

Ryan:
Actually, I hit him first.

Marissa:
Well, hard to believe you're not more popular.

Ryan:
So I'm now property of the government. Nickname: 0382965.

Seth:
Hey, it's better than death-breath Seth. Or so I would imagine.

Julie:
Hey, there's eggs. Oh, I'm taking Kaitlin to the stable, so I need to get that check.

Jimmy:
Does Kaitlin really need a pony? In a couple of months, she's not even going to like horses.

Kaitlin:
What? I love China! She's the prettiest pony.

Summer:
Still hasn't called you back, huh? Well, he was in lockup. Maybe he's into dudes now.

Sandy:
Since the minute you were born, I knew I would never take another easy breath without knowing that you were all right.

Seth:
So I'm like asthma?

Sandy:
The minute you were born, I knew... I would never take an easy breath without knowing you were safe.

Seth:
So I'm like asthma?

Marissa:
Where are we?

Seth:
Well, its one of my mom's housing developments. She and my grandpa own a bunch of them - this is supposed to be the model home... but it never got finished.

Marissa:
Why, did someone die here and now its haunted?

Seth:
Yes. That is exactly what happened.

Marissa:
[walks into model home as Ryan lights it with candles. Hallelujah is playing] This song reminds me of you.

Ryan:
I thought you were with Luke.

Marissa:
I was. [hesitates] I don't know why I'm here, I just wanted to see you... I mean, you're leaving tomorrow!... and what if I never... we never... maybe I could spend the night? Just to hang out...

Ryan:
You can't stay. If you stay, if we spend the night... I... I don't know that I could leave.

Marissa:
Well, then don't!

Ryan:
Ya, and you'll go back to school in the fall, and I'll just what? Hang around here? Hiding like some ghost? Cops find me and I'll have to disappear again? [moves closer] We're from different worlds.

Marissa:
[takes a deep breath] That's not true.

Ryan:
I'm not like you. Go. Please... go.

Luke:
You're okay.

Ryan:
Disappointed?

Sandy:
So... last supper, huh? Sorry. Bad joke.

Kirsten:
It's just a laugh riot around here.

Marissa:
What are you doing?

Seth:
Nothing. We're just hanging out. Oh, look, it's somebody's birthday. I guess my invitation probably got lost in the mail.

Ryan:
So how long you been with him?

Marissa:
Luke? Um... I don't know really.

Seth:
I know. Fifth grade, when you two got your mack on during our class trip to the Museum of Tolerance. Back of the bus. Classy lady.

Kirsten:
So what do you want to be, now?

Ryan:
Seventeen.

Kirsten:
Seth. I know that I am not the perfect Carol Brady mom, but I love you and I am trying to protect you. I have dropped all the charges on him. I have hired somebody to find his mother. What more do you want?

Seth:
I would like you to go with me.

Sandy:
When you were 22 what did you say? You said you'd never be like your parents, you'd never have their life.

Kirsten:
I was 22. I stank of patchouli and I lived in the back of mail truck.

Sandy:
And you were fun. And you married me.

Sandy:
When your mother gave birth to you, I knew I wouldn't take a breath without knowing you were safe and OK.

Seth:
Great, so I'm like asthma.

Ryan Atwood:
You know, if you want, I can teach you a mean left-hook just in case.

Sandy Cohen:
Just in case what? You got more relatives showing up here or what?

Ryan Atwood:
I have some mean uncles.

Ryan Atwood:
Just so you know Seth doesn't want to get married.

Taylor Townsend:
Well it's not like Summer wants to be a "desperate housewife".

Frank Atwood:
You don't want hit a dying man!

Sandy Cohen:
[punches Frank] Oh yes I do!

Frank Atwood:
That was a mistake, Sandy.

Sandy Cohen:
I'm right here, Frank.

Ryan Atwood:
[steps between Frank and Sandy] Hey, hey, hey that's enough!

Kirsten Cohen:
Sandy, what on earth?

Sandy Cohen:
The good news is Frank Atwood is going to outlive us all. The bad news is, my hand is killing me.

Taylor Townsend:
I'll get some ice.

Luke:
Welcome to Portland, b*tch.

Summer:
Was I really mean to you?

Seth:
No. [pause] That would have required speaking to me.

Sandy:
We only have two hours to unleaven the kitchen.

Sandy:
Who is that woman?

Seth:
Not the nana.

Kirsten:
Come on you guys. Maybe she's changed. Maybe she's mellowed. Maybe she's genuinely happy to be here. No you're right, something's wrong.

Sandy:
She's staging an intervention. To put me back on the path to righteousness, or in my mother's case self righteousness.

Sophie 'Nana' Cohen:
Your father doesn't know me as well as he thinks he does.

Seth:
Well you're the one who doesn't want to stick around so whose fault is that.

Seth:
I gotta go. Summer's having a hebrew hernia.

Sandy:
Who's coming to the airport with me? [everyone ignores him] Seth? [Seth points to Ryan] Ryan? You're not ready for the Nana. No-one's ever ready for the Nana. That woman is scary.

Sophie 'Nana' Cohen:
[off camera] Hello?

Sandy:
Can't be.

Sophie 'Nana' Cohen:
The door's wide open. A person could walk in here and kill us all.

Seth:
It is. It's the Nana.

Seth:
I don't know who that woman is, but it's not the nana.

Ryan Atwood:
[where's Marissa?] Where else could she be?

Seth:
She was even nice to my mom and the nana has never been a fan of the Kirsten. She's like the Green Arrow to my mother's Hawkman. [Ryan looks confused] The Cyclops to her Wolverine, two people who have nothing in common suddenly getting along.

Ryan Atwood:
I know where she is.

Ryan Atwood:
I'm not so sure Marissa's glad to have me here.

Eddie:
Come on man, of all the places she could've gone, she chose Chino. She picked the one place she knew only you could find her.

Caleb:
Well played, Magnum, P.I.

Seth Cohen:
Her with the tattoo, you with the wristband, that's like the ultimate wrong-side-of-the-tracks love story. Seriously, you are the Sid to her Nancy, the Kurt to her Courtney, the 50 Cent to her ... Mrs Cent.

Marissa Cooper:
Is it just me, or is Zach perfect?

Summer Roberts:
He is good looking but not into himself, smart but not a show-off, athletic but sensitive, a politician's son... Hey, he's, like, Newport's Prince William.

Seth Cohen:
Dude, I don't even want Summer back. Unless that is what she wants. In which case that's not about me, that's about me supporting her and her wanting of, of, of... me. If that's what she wants.

Seth Cohen:
Changing urinal cakes. That's how committed Seth Cohen is to the new Seth Cohen.

Ryan Atwood:
Okay, now you're talking about yourself in, like, the 4th person.

Seth Cohen:
It's a whole new dimension of selflessness, Ryan.

Summer Roberts:
Holy Mack! You are like, such an adult. I mean, you're not insecure. You're not jealous... Are you a robot?

Lindsay Gardner:
I, uh, I owe you an apology.

Ryan Atwood:
You have to actually say the words, that's how it works.

Lindsay Gardner:
Your penmanship however...

Ryan Atwood:
What's wrong with my penmanship?

Lindsay Gardner:
Nothing. Just next time, don't hold the pen between your toes.

Ryan Atwood:
Yeah well next time, don't spell canceling with two lls, it's one l. You got it wrong, you wanna correct it?

Lindsay Gardner:
I was using the Canadian spelling.

Ryan Atwood:
Ohhh, you were using the Canadian spelling.

Lindsay Gardner:
Excuse me. I'm new. Is it alright to park here?

Bitchy chick:
Sure. If you're not too embarassed.

Lindsay Gardner:
I'm just gonna wring out my shirt, and stuff toilet paper up my nose, and I'm sure I'll have no trouble fitting in now.

Seth Cohen:
The Bait Shop? Could be our very own CBGBs.

Ryan Atwood:
Could be what?

Seth Cohen:
C'mon. What? The only music they had in Chino was the sound of gunshots and helicopters?

Seth Cohen:
So, if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the urinals! [walks off whistling as Ryan stands there stoically until Seth wanders back the other way] I don't know where they are.

Kirsten Cohen:
You quit?

Sandy Cohen:
Quit slash got fired.

Jimmy Cooper:
The woman I married wouldn't stand for that. Nobody puts Julie Cooper in a corner.

Alex Kelly:
That's sweet. It's pathetic but sweet.

Seth Cohen:
Yeah, that's my niche. Pathetic and sweet.

Caleb Nichol:
When I have champagne I get giggly.

Sandy Cohen:
When did you ever get giggly?

Marissa Cooper:
Do you like this band?

Ryan Atwood:
I like Journey.

Summer Roberts:
Cohen, that was really sweet.

Seth Cohen:
Pathetic and sweet?

Summer Roberts:
No, just sweet.

Caleb Nichol:
What do you suggest I do?

Sandy Cohen:
I suggest you find a way to make it up to Kirsten. Now. Unless you want Julie to be your lawyer too.

Seth Cohen:
This is the old Seth Cohen. I'm back, man. Red, white, and me.

Sandy Cohen:
Does the light of dawn make any of this easier to take?

Kirsten Cohen:
Harder, actually.

Sandy Cohen:
She's agreed to supervised visitation. 20 minutes, max.

Caleb Nichol:
She's my daughter, Sandy, I don't need to be supervised.

Sandy Cohen:
No, I'm supervising her. Because she might kill you.

Seth Cohen:
Maybe I just can't be just friends with you.

Summer Roberts:
Then maybe this is it for us.

Caleb:
So, aside from coming up with your hilarious one liners, what's your next move?

Seth Cohen:
[Ryan has woken up in the hospital after getting hurt in the earthquake, Seth is sitting in a chair in his room] Although, you're going to have to wrap your head about the fact that we're really brothers now... We're blood brothers.

Ryan Atwood:
You... donated blood?

Seth Cohen:
Eh, I had an extra few pints flowing through my veins. It was no big deal.

Ryan Atwood:
Hm. You're not a big fan of needles.

Seth Cohen:
Nor of fainting, it turns out. But, the bank was a little low and us O negative guys gotta stick together.

Ryan Atwood:
Hm. It's weird, cause all of the sudden I have this strange urge to listen to Death Cab and read comic books.

Seth Cohen:
For real?

Ryan Atwood:
No. I'm kidding.

Sandy:
You guys ready to go home? It's past my bedtime.

Trey Atwood:
You know, he looked like every other kid in the town. Tall, tan, and a face you just wanna... flatten.

Ryan:
We're helping Trey.

Summer:
Helping him what, score?

Ryan:
I know a guy who has a poolhouse all to himself.

Marissa:
You think he's let us borrow it?

Ryan:
Oh yeah.

Summer:
You did not just give me the finger.

Seth:
I didn't give you "the" finger.

Marissa:
Don't mind my friend. She's really, really stoned.

Summer:
Totally! Very high.

Seth:
I cannot believe I missed Death Cab. Just kill me. Seriously, shoot me in the face. Speaking of which, is Summer around?

[Seth and Ryan are looking for two drug dealers outside the Bait Shop]

Seth:
Well they're not that way, 'cause that's the ocean.

Summer:
My dream involved a date. A hot guy in a tux with a carnation pinned to his lapel. Instead, I'm drawing straws between nerd boy and ass clown.

Caleb:
You could have been killed.

Kirsten:
I learned my lesson. Always eat dinner before you drink.

Caleb:
That's not the lesson to be learned here.

Kirsten:
I made an error in judgement. You should be familiar with that.

Caleb:
This is not about me, Kiki. You have a problem. And my God, did you give any thought to your kids?

Kirsten:
I am a good mother!

Caleb:
You're also an alcoholic. Your mother was one too. She did her best to hide it. But I always knew.

Kirsten:
[enraged tone] Why do you think Mom drank the way she did? Why do you think Hailey left the house at 17? If this family is screwed up, it's because of you! All our lives, you terrorized us, bullied us... you treated me, Mom, and Hailey like business employees rather than family.

Caleb:
I gave you everything you ever wanted!

Kirsten:
I know! You spoiled us to control us! Make us lead the lives you wanted than what we wanted. I may like my Chardonnay, but I am not going to die alone which is a lot more than I can say for you!

Zach:
Even when you're not being a couple you'll always be a couple. You're Joanie and Chachi, Luke and Leia.

Seth:
Um, Luke and Leah were brother and sister.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Sandy, I did not come here to talk about myself! But as long as we're on the subject, I could kind of use your advise.

Sandy Cohen:
Hey, if this involves you being naked please, you've got to warn me!

Seth:
Dude, Reed is all over us, and not in a good way.

Seth Cohen:
You know what I was thinking? I think that this being your last night and all, we should do something special. I don't know what. Possibly get a couple of tattoos or some hookers and lose our virginity. Right? Okay, dude, I don't know. There's a shark movie at the IMAX. If that's what you're into.

Ryan Atwood:
[smiles] I just want to take it easy.

Holly Fischer:
Hey, that's my blender!

Sandy:
So this happened in the parking lot of the IMAX movie theater?

Seth:
Shark movies bring out a rough crowd.

Summer:
What are you doing? I need you to introduce me to...

Seth:
You know what Summer? No.

Summer:
What?

Seth:
All you've done this entire evening is use me to meet rich, older guys.

Summer:
That is not true. Ok, maybe a little.

Seth:
Do you have any idea how depressing it is to listen to you babbling away about mergers and acquisitions while some guy just stares at your b*obs?

Summer:
Which guy was staring at my b*obs?

Seth:
Who cares. The point is that they don't care about you. They don't know who you are, in fact I'll bet that none of these guys knows that every day of third grade you used to share your lunch with that little skinny squirrel who kept getting his nuts stolen by that big fat squirrel.

Summer:
I hated that mean squirrel!

Seth:
AND none of those guys was there the day you had to read your poem aloud in class and your hand was shaking you were so nervous and you cared what the other kids thought.

Summer:
Poem? What poem?

Seth:
'I... wish I were a mermaid'

Summer:
You remember that? That was, like, sixth grade.

Seth:
'I wish I were a mermaid, and friends with all the fish. A shiny tail and sea shells, that [Summer kisses him] would be my wish.'

Julie:
When I was little, and a limousine would drive by, I would always try to see through the tinted windows. To see who the people were inside, what kind of life they lived, glamorous, and lucky. You were probably in there staring right back at me. Which means I've been jealous of you since I was eight.

Veronica Townsend:
When we get back, I'll get you that divorce attorney's number.

Kirsten:
I can't believe you're encouraging this. When your husband was caught popping his secretary no-one gave you the number to a divorce attorney.

Taryn Baker:
Kirsten, that was very uncalled for.

Kirsten:
No, what was uncalled for was your $500 a day coke habit in college.

Taryn Baker:
It was just sophomore year.

Veronica Townsend:
Besides, what Jimmy did was wrong. He stole.

Kirsten:
Oh spare me. You have an entire Guatemalan family cleaning your house for less than minimum wage. I have spent this entire weekend listening to you bad-mouth Jimmy. Yes, he made a mistake, but life is hard and none of us is perfect. Not even you Julie.

Julie:
What is that supposed to mean.

Kirsten:
He didn't buy jewels and poneys for himself.

Jimmy Cooper:
Are we old? Cause if I didn't know better, I'd swear I was still 16.

Sandy:
Oh, I'm still 22. It was the best year of my life.

Jimmy Cooper:
Why 22?

Sandy:
It's when I met Kirsten... And why 16?

Jimmy Cooper:
It's when I met Kirsten.

Seth Cohen:
I do think from now on though, we gotta stick together because united, we're unstoppable. But divided, its like...

Ryan Atwood:
People get shot.

Summer Roberts:
Not only will I not go to prom with you, but if you and I were stranded on a deserted island I would take the nourishment that your meager frame has to offer, and then I would feed your bones to the sharks.

Taylor Townsend:
Oh, hi Lisa! I'm so glad you made it back for prom!

Lisa Tucker:
Thanks, Taylor! I wouldn't have missed it for anything. Or, almost anything.

Taylor Townsend:
I thought you did great on Idol. Oh, by the way, do you know where Simon gets those skin-tight V-necks? I totally wanna get one for Seung-Ho.

Ryan Atwood:
I'm not here to fight.

Kevin Volchok:
Sure you are. Otherwise you would have called the police. Come on. You know you're dying to. Just give in...

Seth:
So when you lost your virginity, I was playing Magic: The Gathering.

Ryan:
You're still playing Magic.

Seth:
But not as much.

Sandy:
I'm here.

Kirsten:
We're going.

Sandy:
But I wore a jacket.

Summer:
I like Seth Cohen.

Seth:
You, uh, what now?

Summer:
Nothing. I wasn't talking to you. And if you tell anyone what you heard here, I'll kill you.

Sandy:
I'm here.

Kirsten:
We're going.

Sandy:
But I put on a jacket.

Kirsten:
[Kirsten just walked in on Marissa and Ryan making out] Sorry! We never had this problem with Seth!

Marissa Cooper:
I've never slept with somebody before.

Ryan:
Me neither, Im usually climbing out the window or back into the front seat.

Seth Cohen:
If Taylor's going to fall for your plan, we need to speak in a language she'll understand.

Summer Roberts:
Are you trying to say that you believe me?

Seth Cohen:
No, not exactly, but there's just no other options. Do you have her cellphone number?

Summer Roberts:
What? We're not going to call her. She's not a moron, just evil.

Seth Cohen:
We're not going to call her, my little dim sum, we're going to text her. Or should I say, Dean Hess is.

[hands her a sidekick]

Summer Roberts:
You got the bedazzled one? Pink, too? Wait, we can't text her an apology. We're texting her an apology?

Seth Cohen:
Nope, an invitation. I got a room at the Mermaid Motel.

Summer Roberts:
You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby and where Marissa's mom and Luke got it on?

Seth Cohen:
Newport's very own den of sin.

Summer Roberts:
Ew. But I like it.

Seth Cohen:
We can even, I mean, if we have some free time ...

[Summer looks disgusted]

Seth Cohen:
Whatever.

Seth:
I got a room at the Mermaid Hotel.

Summer:
You mean the place where Ryan may or may not have conceived Theresa's baby, and where Marissa's mom got in on with Luke?

Seth:
Newport's very own "Den of Sin."

Summer:
Ew. But I like it.

Summer Roberts:
Will you quit peeping out the window, Cohen?

Seth Cohen:
[still looking through window] You don't peep out of windows. You peep into them.

Summer Roberts:
You'd know.

Seth Cohen:
[about Ryan, who is quitting school] He got a job on a fishing boat. He leaves tomorrow night.

Summer Roberts:
Wait, what? Are you serious? Your dad's, like, letting him go?

Seth Cohen:
He's pulling the old Sandy Cohen Jedi mind-meld on him. Trying to break his will by agreeing with him.

Summer Roberts:
Oh, like he did with you? Which you fell for because you were both spineless and weak.

Seth Cohen:
Yes, exactly. But this is Ryan we're talking about.

Ryan:
[Seth has been smoking pot due to stress of going to college] Well, it's-it's-it's almost 3:30. Isn't our interview at 4:00?

Seth:
[high] What're you talking about?

[looks at clock]

Seth:
Hey, how'd that happen?

Ryan:
Well, are you ready?

Seth:
Am I ready? Do me a favor.

[pulls up shirt sleeve and feels bicep]

Seth:
Go ahead and feel that. Feel that puppy right there.

Ryan:
No, dude, no.

Seth:
Okay, you don't wanna touch another man. I get it. [Ryan frowns and sniffs the air] I get it. You find my slender swimmers body, um, intimidating.

Ryan:
[confused] Something smells.

Seth:
No, it doesn't. No, it doesn't. But they say the first sign of, uh, a brain tumor is, uh, phantom smells, so you should lie down.

[Ryan finds can of air freshener]

Seth:
Hey. Hey. You solved it. You figured it out. That's- You're mystery solver. You're like Encyclopedia Brown. Remember Encyclopedia Brown? He went on down to Texas to solve the mystery of the Great Shootout.

[Ryan raises his eyebrows]

Seth:
Hey, how bout this for a change? How bout in a cage match, Encyclopedia Brown versus The Great Brain [Looks at Ryan completely straight faced] to the death.

Ryan:
[pause] Are you high?

Seth:
Am I high? No! No, come on, man. I love when you go for the comedy. [Ryan looks at Seth and goes over to the desk] But I would not quit your day job beatin up, uh, people. [Ryan moves the book off of the ashtray] I wouldn't.

Seth:
[Ryan picks up ashtray and holds it out to Seth] I don't know how that got there.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
So, listen, Riviera Magazine wants to do a big photo-spread on us. And I think it's a great opportunity for us to demonstrate the resilience and strength of our family. It's wonderful exposure.

Marissa Cooper:
Any chance to expose yourself, huh?

Abigail Stevens:
I was saying that what's happening in Kashmir just shows us...

Summer Roberts:
I know! Pashminas these season were so cute. I don't go anywhere without my cashmere purse!

Summer Roberts:
I'm informing myself, Coop. It's impossible, there is so much news. You know, the worst part is, it is constantly changing. If everything could just stop for, like, one day, maybe I could catch up.

Summer Roberts:
Compared to my performance today, Cohen came off like Kofi Annan.

Marissa Cooper:
Who's Kofi Annan?

Summer Roberts:
Some guy Zach's mom knows. I think he works for United Airlines.

[Kirsten got mad about Sandy forgetting their 20th anniversary]

Sandy:
Hey! Need a ride to school? Like this second?

Ryan:
Uh no thanks, I actually was just going to take my bike. So see ya.

Sandy:
Do not leave me, not now.

Marissa:
Besides, I'm not the only one crying.

Seth:
I'm sorry what? I'm allergic, OK, and there is so much pollen in here right now. It's ridiculous.

Marissa:
It's OK.

Seth:
Hey tomorrow we are watching football, OK?

Summer:
Football season is five months away.

Seth:
ESPN Classics, OK, we watch old games.

Seth:
Summer did all the building. And the heavy lifting and the wiring of the electronics but I painted.

Summer:
You're such a dandy, Cohen.

Seth:
You're a dandy, woman.

Summer:
And we looked through all your toys and we couldn't find any plastic horses but we did find this.

Marissa:
Share Bear? Wow!

Seth:
She'll watch over you with her Care Bear Stare.

Ryan Atwood:
How'd you know about the Care Bear Stare?

Seth:
I painted that.

Summer:
How can you live like this? Your T-shirts are touching your sweaters!

[Kirsten pours the rest of the champagne for herself]

Sandy:
That's cool. I didn't want any, anyway.

Kirsten:
My dad is marrying Julie Cooper. Julie Cooper... is my step-mom.

Sandy:
Maybe we'll get you another bottle.

Jimmy:
Yeah. Drink up.

Kirsten:
This is an unholy alliance. This is two storm fronts colliding. This is the apocalypse for us all.

Sandy:
Maybe you wanna lay off the sauce.

Kirsten:
Think of it, Jimmy, when we were growing up, all those times you came over to go sailing with my dad, did you ever think he'd marry your ex-wife?

Jimmy:
Yeah, gimme a glass.

Kirsten:
Never!

Sandy:
I don't know, Jimbo. The way I see it, this could be the best thing to ever happen to you.

Kirsten:
No, there is nothing good about what's happened here. I mean, this marriage is an asteroid that has hit the Earth. Now we have to wait to see which species survives.

[Marissa walks in from the bedroom wearing a skimpy robe]

Marissa:
Hey Alex, should I be getting dressed or are we going back to...

[sees Seth standing in the living room as Alex walks in from the kitchen]

Marissa:
...bed?

Seth:
Oh My God.

Marissa:
Oh My God.

Alex:
Oh My God.

Seth:
[to Alex] Let me get this straight. You broke up with me, for Marissa?

Alex:
Do you want your money?

Seth:
Hey, who better than a superhero understands secret identity? Now hold on, just want to make sure I have the visual.

[Marissa looks uncomfortable]

Seth:
Okay I got it, great, thank you. Hey listen, Alex. Thank you. Both of you. For everything, I mean, keep doing what you're doing, I like it.

[walks out]

[Marissa walks in from the pouring rain and passionately kisses Alex]

Marissa:
I told her!

Alex:
You told who what?

Marissa:
My Mom. About us! I can't believe it, but I did.

Alex:
You... told her?

Marissa:
I thought you would be happy.

Alex:
No, it just depends. Did you tell her to piss her off?

Marissa:
Hey, look, I told her so that this could be real. For us.

Alex:
Wow.

[laughs]

Alex:
So, what happens now?

Marissa:
She is probably having a meltdown as we speak, so I can't go home.

Alex:
So stay here.

Marissa:
You sure?

Alex:
But first, let's get you out of these wet clothes.

[Julie sees Marissa and Alex walk in]

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Good morning Mariss... oh, hi. I didn't know you had a friend over last night. Well, I'm Marissa's mother, Julie Cooper-Nichol.

Alex:
Alex.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Alex? Oh, yeah. You're the fiesty young lady Caleb mentioned. Well, I was just making bagels. I figured if the Cohens can do it, why can't we?

Alex:
Oh, none for me, thanks. I don't eat breakfast.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
Oh, that's very punk of you. You know, I used to like the punk in my day.

Marissa:
Mom!

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
You're right, Marissa. It still is my day. I was just being modest.

Seth:
They're showing a marathon of 'Sherman Oaks: The Real Valley's.

Ryan Atwood:
What's that?

Seth:
Hm, apparently 'The Valley' has got its own reality show knock-off. And, you know, why watch the angst of fictional characters when you can watch real people in contrived situations?

Elaine Stevens:
Are you a fan of Botticelli?

Summer Roberts:
Yes, yes, I am. Although I prefer his earlier work. You know, the comedies.

Kirsten:
My husband is currently transporting a fugitive whom happens to be his ex-girlfriend.

Julie:
Well, I will see your fugitive, former-girlfriend, flame, and raise you a lesbian daughter.

Kirsten:
Marissa?

[Julie nods]

Kirsten:
Well, I'm sure it's just a phase.

Julie:
It was for me.

[Kirsten looks a little shocked]

Julie:
And it is for you, too. You guys will work it out. I couldn't handle it if you didn't, you too are like the moral center of the universe. You're Sandy and Kirsten!

Julie:
I don't think it's too much to ask to know what's going on under my roof.

Marissa:
Oh. You want to know what's going on with me? I am going to tell you the truth. No screaming, no crying, just the truth.

Julie:
You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear that.

Marissa:
Hold that thought. Alex is my girlfriend.

Julie:
I know, and I am so happy that you have made a new friend. Although, I hope you keep seeing Summer...

Marissa:
No, Mom, not my friend who's a girl. My girlfriend.

[thunder rumbles in the distance as Julie looks shocked]

Marissa:
Yeah.

Julie:
Got a minute?

Marissa:
Not really.

Julie:
Well, I would like to talk to you. About your friend Alex.

Marissa:
I'm sure you would, Mom.

Julie:
Look, Marissa, I experimented too when I was your age. Albeit it involved a little Motley Cru and a lot of jager.

Marissa:
Woah! Way too much information.

Julie:
I'm just saying, that I understand that this is a phase, but, that I won't make a big deal about it if you don't.

Marissa:
Right. This way you avoid any public embarrassment.

Julie:
[notices suitcases] Where are you going?

Marissa:
I'm moving out. You have my cell if Caleb kicks and you need help counting your cash.

Sandy:
I feel like we've become like strangers.

Kirsten:
Well, I was taught never to talk to strangers.

Seth:
Then Eureka Ryan! Eu-freakin'-reka!

Seth:
Dude, I'm a child of southern california if I go out in this I'll melt.

Ryan:
You're listening to Boyz2Men?

Seth:
I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.

Ryan:
So I'm guessing it didn't go well. [turns down music]

Seth:
Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.

Ryan:
Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.

Seth:
Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.

Ryan:
What's it?

Seth:
The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.

Ryan:
Except you sold the boat for bus fare.

Seth:
I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.

Ryan:
Except with what money?

Seth:
Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?

Ryan:
Definitely.

Seth:
Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?

Ryan:
No.

[Seth gets up]

Seth:
Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.

Ryan:
You're listening to Boyz2Men?

Seth:
I can think of no sadder song in the whole world.

Ryan:
So I'm guessing it didn't go well. [Turns down music]

Seth:
Unless I can think of one last grand romantic gesture, Summer's gone.

Ryan:
Wow. You know, I remember when I first heard about Summer. We were sailing. You said you named your boat after her, which I thought was a little weird. Considering you never talked to her.

Seth:
Eureka Ryan! I can't believe I just said "eureka." That's okay. That's it.

Ryan:
What's it?

Seth:
The thing to win her back. The grand romantic gesture that's going to put Zachary's Euro-trip to shame. I shall take her on a sailing adventure aboard the Summer Breeze.

Ryan:
Except you sold the boat for bus fare.

Seth:
I did. Damn it. Eureka Ryan! I shall buy back the Summer Breeze.

Ryan:
Except with what money?

Seth:
Kay, if I wanted my parade rained on, I'd step outside. Let me ask you something, do you like the shape of the idea even?

Ryan:
Defiantly.

Seth:
Great, so all I need is money. Hang on. Yes. Got the answer. But before I say "eureka" again do you see any other potential flaws, or holes in my plan?

Ryan:
No.

[Seth gets up]

Seth:
Then, eureka Ryan! Eu-freaking-reka! Turn this music off. It's depressing me.

Seth:
It's pronounced Tee-ah-HUANA. God, Mom, you are so white.

Seth:
He's on a diet.

Kirsten:
Why is he on a diet?

Seth:
I don't know.

Kirsten:
Well, I'm going to go ask.

Seth:
No, Mom, he's in, like, a Zen concentration mode.

Kirsten:
Well, he has to eat.

Seth:
He's naked!

Sandy:
[Seth is acting like an old man] I am officially terrified.

Ryan:
He doesn't have this many friends at school.

Sandy:
Fellas, you got everything?

Seth Cohen:
I got my cardigan, my orthopedic shoes and my humidifier. Now take me to my people.

Trey Atwood:
Stallone, huh? Nah, I'm more of a Van Damme fan.

Ryan Atwood:
Are you kidding me? Seagal, man.

Seth Cohen:
Yeah, divided house cannot eat. Now we all gotta get together behind a single action hero.

Sandy Cohen:
Steve McQueen.

Seth Cohen:
Steve M-who?

Seth:
[about Sandy] Woah, he sings, he surfs and he reads minds.

Seth:
[In a high voice] Hello, pleased to meet you.

Guy in Apartment:
Who the hell are you?

Seth:
Well, I'm Pippins McGee.

Seth:
All right, hold it up. More. More. More. You're naughty.

Zach:
Just take the picture.

Seth:
You're an animal in the woods.

Kirsten:
Uh, who wants to help me hang the banner?

Sandy:
Ask Taryn please. She's screwing up the tablecloths, get her off the tablecloths.

Seth:
All right ottoman, work with me. You're sexy. Get nasty. Work with me, you ottoman. You little- That's it. You're a cougar. You're a panther, and you're in the woods.

Trey Atwood:
Don't mess with those Newpsies.

Seth:
Hey.

[Ryan pushes him into a locker]

Seth:
Don't blame me for your sexual tension.

Seth:
Let me just paint a picture of what could maybe happen. Now it's late at night and your thirsty. SO is she. So you meet up at the fridge. 'Hey.' 'Hey.' 'Yoo-hoo?' 'Maybe just you. Let's kiss on the mouth.' 'Okay.' [He makes a weird face pretending to kiss someone] 'Oh, let's French hard.'

Seth:
Julia is Marissa's mom.

Trey Atwood:
Oh, so Ryan's mother-in-law.

Sandy:
What? What Ryan and Marissa? What?

Seth:
It's on.

Sandy:
Really? I'm always the last to know.

Ryan:
There's nothing to know.

Trey Atwood:
Oh really? 'Cause that's not what it looked like the other night, you coming to Marissa's rescue and all.

Sandy:
Well, he's very chivalrous, not unlike the young Steve McQueen.

Seth:
Yeah, some people say chivalry's dead. I don't believe it.

Ryan:
There's nothing going on with me and Marissa.

Sandy:
Nothing?

Trey Atwood:
Really?

Seth:
Ryan...

Ryan:
We're taking it slow.

Trey Atwood, Sandy:
Yeah! Taking it slow! Alright!

Sandy:
Well it's a good thing she's no longer you neighbor.

Seth:
That's right! It's hard to take it slow with her next door.

Kirsten:
So, Caleb and Julie are off on their trip.

Sandy:
What are we gonna do without them?

Kirsten:
Well, for starters, housekeeper got deported and so there's no one to stay with Marissa. So I told Julie that Marissa could stay here for the week.

[Trey, Sandy and Seth look and Ryan]

Seth:
That'll keep things at a snail's place.

Sandy:
[Sandy and Seth are discussing Danny, Summer's new boyfriend]

Sandy:
Whoa, that kid is not funny.

Seth:
Thank you. I know.

Sandy:
He makes Ryan look funny.

Seth:
He makes Marissa look funny.

Sandy:
Gentiles. I love your mother more than words, but not funny. Get yourself some funnier friends.

Kirsten:
Aspirational?

Kirsten:
Is that even a word?

Oliver Trask:
So here about what happened between you and Marissa.

Ryan Atwood:
Yeah, sorry.

Oliver Trask:
It's okay.

Ryan Atwood:
No it's not. I was wrong about you.

Oliver Trask:
Well, I mean did you think I came here because of Marissa? What, because I'm in love with her?

Ryan Atwood:
Yeah... no. It's crazy.

Oliver Trask:
Hmm.

[leans in close]

Oliver Trask:
Here's the deal, Ryan, and it's nothing personal. But Marissa and I? We just connect. She understands me, gets me. And hey, I don't know if there's only one person on the planet you're supposed to be with, but when she and I are together, sure feels that way.

[laughs]

Oliver Trask:
I'm sorry, you and Marissa? Come on, man, you're from different worlds.

Ryan Atwood:
You stay away from her.

Oliver Trask:
Can't fight fate, man. I mean, I didn't even have to lift a finger and look what happened to you guys. Because you're not supposed to be together. I'm not saying you didn't serve your purpose. And if it wasn't for you, she never would've gone to therapy, she never would've met me.

Ryan Atwood:
I am not gonna let this happen!

Oliver Trask:
At this point, who's gonna believe you? Walk away. You have a chance to really make something of yourself. Don't blow it over some chick you're not gonna care about in ten years. Okay? I really am sorry.

Summer Roberts:
Is that Marissa?

Seth Cohen:
Yeah. Or as I like to call her, Cosmo Girl. Passion for fashion, and a magic flask.

Summer Roberts:
Alcohol as a superpower. Well, that is an interesting take.

Summer Roberts:
Do not forget about my rage blackouts.

Seth Cohen:
I have not. In fact, it's part of your superpowers.

Summer Roberts:
Really?

Seth Cohen:
Yeah, it's very Hulk-like.

Summer Roberts:
But I'm not gonna turn green, am I?

Luke:
This is gonna be weird.

Ryan:
Yep.

Luke:
Everyone's gonna be staring at me... Talking.

Marissa:
Yep.

Luke:
Maybe I can just blow the whole thing off... Go hit the beach... Give everyone time to get it out of their systems.

Ryan:
It's been months... I'm still the kid from Chino who burned a house down.

Marissa:
And I'm still the girl who tried to kill herself in Mexico.

Seth:
I'm still... The... I'm still Seth Cohen.

Luke:
Man this is gonna suck.

Seth:
Yep well... Welcome to my world

Ryan:
Maybe you've got the Summer flu?

Seth:
Yes, it's November, but it's possible.

Ryan:
Maybe you need som Anna-biotics.

Seth:
[the Dandy Warhols "We Used To Be Friends" plays] Do I have a fever? I think I might have a fever and/or the chills.

Ryan:
Since when?

Seth:
Since recently.

Sandy:
So your not feeling well?

Seth:
No I feel fine. [coughs] Just my head's a littly achy and my stomach's kind of weird. I'm okay.

Sandy:
Come here. [feels Seth's head] Huh. You don't feel warm.

Seth:
What about cold or clammy?

Ryan:
Maybe you've got the summer flu.

Seth:
Yeah. It's November, but it's possible.

Ryan:
Maybe you need some Anna-biotics.

Sandy:
Do you not wanna go to school?

Seth:
No, Dad. I want to go to school. Okay? I'm just worried about infecting others.

Sandy:
You're right, we can't take a chance. We should just take you straight to the emergency room. Just to be sure.

Seth:
Okay, all right. Or I could stay home and try and sleep it off.

Ryan:
Or you could go to scool, face Summer and Anna and apologize.

Seth:
First of all, ah... no. Second of all, hm... no. Why would I?

Sandy:
Oh , the Summer flu. I just got it. That was good.

Seth:
It's not my fault that they both tried to kiss me on Thanksgiving. What was I supposed to do? Not kiss back? Say "No, stop"? Risk hurting their feelings?

Sandy:
Well it seems to me you already did hurt their feelings.

Seth:
Yeah, perhaps I did but what about my feelings okay? Hello I was the one who was assulted. I'm the victim here.

Kirsten:
You just like saying that.

Sandy:
Yogalates? I kinda do. Yogalates.

Ryan:
Yogalates.

Kirsten:
You know what I wanna know?

Sandy:
Yogalates.

Kirsten:
Is why these two are so smug.

Seth:
Because for once they didn't do anything wrong.

Sandy:
That's true. Here's to ya.

Ryan:
Back at ya.

Kirsten:
Enjoy it boys, because knowing the two of you, it won't last long.

Sandy:
Yogalates.

Ryan:
Maybe you have the Summer flu.

Seth:
Yeah, maybe. Even though it's November.

Ryan:
And maybe you need some Annabiotics.

Summer Roberts:
Volchok is Atwood's kryptonite. He'll totally Hulk out!

Seth Cohen:
He's got good abs. Women like abs. I've got a six-pack myself, I know.

Summer Roberts:
Oh, Cohen, those are your ribs.

Seth:
Well, today's the first day back from spring break, and I was planning on telling Summer, about that little... misunderstanding in Miami.

Sandy:
Where you licked the whipped cream off the girl's naked stomach... and ate the cherry out of her mouth?

Summer Roberts:
Nobody messes with my men but me! It is ass-kicking time Coop!

Summer Roberts:
I'm sorry, I don't get references before 1990

Kirsten:
It's so good. It's only 1500 calories per sip.

Summer:
[watching Taylor's mom and her dad split up, happy] Wow. That was amazing. All you did was tell her he voted for John Kerry?

Seth:
[unconvincingly] Yes, that is exactly what I told her.

Summer:
You told her he has genital warts!

Seth:
The Kerry thing wasn't going to work!

Summer:
Come on!

Kirsten:
Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsand and you know who.

Seth:
Now we have a quarome.

Sandy:
What happened?

Kirsten:
There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.

Seth:
Wait, you set them up?

Kirsten:
Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threated to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.

Sandy:
Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he see's something in her that we don't.

Summer:
Huh?

Seth:
What the hockey?

Kirsten:
Nah nah nah.

Sandy:
Okay okay fine. But we have to make sure she's the one who ends is. If Neil starts pulling away, she might take it out on Marissa.

Seth:
Genital warts [Summer hits him] is the answer.

Seth:
I'm telling you, it'll work.

Summer:
We're not starting a rumor that my dad has genital warts.

Sandy:
Hey Seth, how about lending your mom and hand downstairs.

Seth:
Actually... uh dad, we're kind of busy right now.

Summer:
We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.

Sandy:
Veronica Townsand.

Summer:
See everyone knows.

Sandy:
You got nothing to worry about, it's a long story, but last nights date, one time thing.

Summer:
Really? I mean because he's bringing her to the party tonight.

Sandy:
He's going on a second date with her?

Summer:
I don't know.

Kirsten:
Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsand and you know who.

Sandy:
What happened?

Kirsten:
There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.

Seth:
Wait, you set them up?

Kirsten:
Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad, and she threated to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't. Neil agreed as a favor.

Sandy:
Look, Neil's a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he see's something in her that we dont.

Summer:
Huh?

Seth:
What the hockey?

Kirsten:
Nah nah nah.

Sandy:
Okay okay fine, but we have to make sure she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts pulling away she might take it out on Marissa.

Seth:
Genital warts is the answer.

[Summer slaps Seth]

Kirsten:
Seth!

Seth:
Marissa, I'm gonna need to borrow you for a second, 'cause, we're gonna have to work on Summer's birthday present.

Marissa:
Her birthdays not for like eight months.

Seth:
What to get the girl who has everything? We need to plan early.

Ryan:
[Ryan answers the door] Yeah?

Kaitlin Cooper:
So I show up at my house to surprise my mom and this Persian dude answers.

Ryan:
Uh, I'm sorry?

Kaitlin Cooper:
I figured that he was the new butler, but then I saw his shoes, Prada. I thought maybe he's my new step-dad. And I was about to like, hug him, when his wife shows up. And no matter how rich the guy is my mother would never join a herom.

Ryan:
I don't think...

Kaitlin Cooper:
So I was like, "Persian dude, what are you doing at my house? And where is my mother?" And he was all like, "Who's your mother?" So I told him and he tells me that my mother moved and all the mail is being forwarded here.

Ryan:
Uh, I think that you may have...

Kaitlin Cooper:
Are you gonna invite me in or what?

[Ryan looks down thinking of what to say]

Kaitlin Cooper:
Jeez Ryan,

[Ryan looks up shocked]

Kaitlin Cooper:
I see Newport hasn't improved your manners at all.

Ryan:
Oh my god.

Seth:
[Seth walks up] Oh my god, Kaitlin Cooper?

Kaitlin Cooper:
Weird neighbor kid, hi.

Seth:
You have uh, you have grown...

Kaitlin Cooper:
B*obs?

Seth:
No... [Looks at Ryan and nods]

Seth:
I'm telling you it would work.

Summer:
We're not starting a rumor that my dad has gentile warts.

Sandy:
Hey Seth? How about lending a hand to your mom downstairs?

Seth:
Actually dad, we're kind of busy right now.

Summer:
We're trying to figure out away to break up my dad and some skank-and-hoebag.

Sandy:
Veronica Townsend.

Summer:
See everyone knows.

Sandy:
You got nothing to worry about. It's a long story but, last night's date, one time thing.

Summer:
Really? Because I mean, he's bringing her to the party tonight.

Sandy:
He's going on a second date with her?

Summer:
I don't know.

Kirsten:
Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and you know who.

Seth:
Now we have a quarome.

Sandy:
What happened?

Kirsten:
There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.

Seth:
Wait, you set them up?

Kirsten:
Veronica wanted to go out with Summer's dad and she threaten to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't set them up. Neil agreed as a favor.

Sandy:
Look Neil is a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her, maybe he see's something in her that we don't.

Summer:
Huh?

Seth:
What the hockey?

Kirsten:
Nah nah nah.

Sandy:
Okay okay fine. But we have to make sure she's the one who ends is. If Neil starts pulling away, she might take it out on Marissa.

Seth:
Gentile warts [Summer hits him] is the answer.

Kirsten:
Seth.

Marissa:
And I do have a pretty great boyfriend.

Ryan:
You have a great boyfriend.

Seth:
I'm telling you, it'll work.

Summer:
We're not starting a rumor that my dad has genital warts.

Sandy:
Hey Seth, how about lending your mom and hand downstairs.

Seth:
Actually... uh dad, we're kind of busy right now.

Summer:
We're trying to figure out a way to break up my dad and some skank-out-hoebag.

Sandy:
Veronica Townsend.

Summer:
See everyone knows.

Sandy:
You got nothing to worry about, it's a long story, but last nights date, one time thing.

Summer:
Really? I mean because he's bringing her to the party tonight.

Sandy:
He's going on a second date with her?

Summer:
I don't know.

Kirsten:
Oh Sandy, there you are. I have to talk to you about Veronica Townsend and you know who.

Sandy:
What happened?

Kirsten:
There are factors of which I was not aware of when I had you set them up.

Seth:
Wait, you set them up?

Kirsten:
Veronica wanted to go on a date with Summer's dad, and she threated to make Marissa's life hell if we didn't. Neil agreed as a favor.

Sandy:
Look, Neil's a smart guy, if he wants to go on a second date with her maybe he see's something in her that we dont.

Summer:
Huh?

Seth:
What the hockey?

Kirsten:
Nah nah nah.

Sandy:
Okay okay fine, but we have to make sure she's the one who ends it. If Neil starts pulling away she might take it out on Marissa.

Seth:
Genital warts is the answer.

[Summer slaps Seth]

Kirsten:
Seth!

Taylor Townsend:
You might want to sit down because I have HUGE news and a favor to ask you.

Seth Cohen:
You like Ryan, and you want my help convincing him to date you.

Taylor Townsend:
Wow.

Seth Cohen:
You said he was funny. That was kind of a giveaway.

Taylor Townsend:
I know. It's crazy. I mean, I've always thought, cute guy, might be good for a night of rough and tumble fun, but it's not like we have anything in common -

Seth Cohen:
- So ignore it, it's probably just gas.

Taylor Townsend:
[explaining her new crush on Ryan] - then, when he helped me with my husband, and he kissed me, it was like Dorothy landing in Oz. Everything popped into Technicolor.

Seth Cohen:
Ah.

Taylor Townsend:
[offended] You think I don't know what that means?

Seth Cohen:
I said "ah."

Taylor Townsend:
Meaning "Ah, that Taylor. She is so pathetic. Someone's the least bit nice to her and she becomes totally obsessed with them. First me, and then her French husband when he lent her a subway ticket, now Ryan."

Seth Cohen:
Well, isn't it kinda true?

Taylor Townsend:
So what? Yes. I have a psychological predilection to become romantically attached to men who are nice to me, due to the fact I was raised by a she-wolf of a mother who practiced emotional terrorism. Does that mean, that if by some miracle, love does come into my life, I should deny it? What kind of person would that make me? What kind of life -

Seth Cohen:
[tired of her talking] - What do you want me to do?

Ryan Atwood:
[dancing and flirting with Taylor] We did not hate you.

Taylor Townsend:
Oh, you totally hated me. Come on, you were probably the president of the "We Hate Taylor" Club.

Ryan Atwood:
I was the secretary. I took the notes.

Taylor Townsend:
[giggles] Ryan, you made a real joke!

Ryan Atwood:
[smiles] A pretty bad one. Yeah, I made a real joke. Don't tell anyone.

Summer Roberts:
Oh, the library. God, how can you work in there? It is like *so* quiet!

Kirsten Cohen:
Why is that ninja smoking a cigarette?

Sandy Cohen:
Honey, I don't actually think that's a ninja. Ninjas usually wear capes, right?

Kirsten Cohen:
Oh, so a ninja's like a superhero.

Seth Cohen:
Mom, Dad, you two enjoy. Ryan, give me five minutes.

Sandy Cohen:
Where are you going? Come on back.

Ryan Atwood:
Nice work.

Sandy Cohen:
Never underestimate a parent's ability to mortify his child.

Alex:
She can't fall for you if you're not there to catch her.

Julie Cooper-Nichol:
I was easier to love back then. Beautiful, and much nicer.

Jimmy Cooper:
Jules, come on. You're still beautiful. And we both know, you were never nice.

Seth Cohen:
These are fists. Or, as I like to call them, my twin ambassadors of pain.

Alex:
How can she fall for you if you're not there to catch her?

Alex Kelly:
She can't fall for you if you're not there to catch her.

Hailey Nichol:
[to Julie] You see, Jeffrey here might be a stripper, but honey, you're a whore.

Summer:
He's kissing another girl.

Marissa:
[shocked] No.

Summer:
Yes, right infront'a me on the phone. I can't believe this. I have been crying actual tears over that *ass* and he's kissing randoms!

Marissa:
Okay, you know what? We're gonna have a girls night out, okay? Theresa's coming over and we can do whatever you want.

Summer:
Really? Cause all I wanna do right now is go to Las Vegas and kick Cohen's ass.

Summer:
[asking for the Cohens' room number at the Hard Rock Hotel] The name is Cohen. C-O-H-E-N. I think that's how you spell it.

Julie:
I don't want Chippendales! I want strippers! Full on, full frontal, male strippers. Preferably at a place that serves bottomless margaritas.

Kirsten:
Uh-huh. Or I could invite the girls over, and I could throw you a lovely catered bachelorette cocktail party.

Julie:
With strippers.

Kirsten:
Without strippers! Julie, we are smart sophisticated women. We don't need strange naked men dancing in front of us to be entertained.

Julie:
[pauses] I'm not as smart as you. Plus, the boys are getting strippers.

Kirsten:
The boys are not getting strippers!

Julie:
Kirsten, it's Las Vegas. You get strippers as a side with your entr?e. Of course they're getting strippers! Why else would Sandy go to Vegas with Caleb?

Kirsten:
Strippers, huh?

Julie:
Uh-huh. Let's get all the Newpsies into limos, drive to LA, have dinner on Sunset, then head south to Mantopia. Or The Stud Farm.

Kirsten:
You've done your research.

Julie:
Todd in accounting. Who also told me about this place called The Petting Zoo. It's not exactly legal, but...

Kirsten:
Julie, I am not going to a place called The Petting Zoo. You don't know where the pets have been.

Julie:
Just one little stripper. Who never hurt anyone. Who's just trying to make his way in the world... naked.

Theresa Diaz:
I'm probably going to be out of here in a couple of days. I can't impose on Seth's parents forever.

Seth Cohen:
Sure you can. I intend to.

Ryan Atwood:
What are you doing paying your gay friend Roger to pretend he's in love with you?

Taylor Townsend:
Well what if I did, hmm? What if I did rent a homosexual for the evening?

Kirsten Cohen:
I couldn't help notice that you wanted to talk to Seth.

Ryan Atwood:
Oh, did I?

Kirsten Cohen:
Well, since he's out of town and he's going to be moving out next semester, you're going to need a new Seth. Don't tell Sandy, but I thought I would audition for the job.

Ryan Atwood:
Oh, yeah, that's very thoughtful.

Kirsten Cohen:
So, how does it work? Do I ask you what's on your mind?

Ryan Atwood:
Eh, usually you talk about yourself, and I solve my problems on my own.

Ryan Atwood:
Taylor?

Taylor Townsend:
Yeah.

Ryan Atwood:
What are you doing tonight?

Taylor Townsend:
Oh, I'm updating my blog. It's a kind of Felicity by way of Ana?s Nin, the erotic memoirs of soulful college girl...

Ryan Atwood:
Taylor, tonight, what are you doing?

Taylor Townsend:
Oh. Blog schmog.

Ryan Atwood:
Is that a yes?

Taylor Townsend:
Yes! It is a yes squared, in all caps, with an exclamation mark and a smiley-faced emoticon.

Sandy:
Where's Marissa?

Summer:
Oh, she can't make it. She's busy.

Ryan:
Oh, is she studying? Cause... I've been known to get her to blow off some homework.

Summer:
Uh, she's not studying. She's at the beach... with Johnny. [Awkward silence]

Seth:
Ryan, try not to punch Summer.

Summer:
I'm just the messenger.

Anna:
Now she's got you... There's nothing scarier than that.

Seth:
Nothing's scarier than being with me, or do you mean like, anyone?

Anna:
Look, once you get what you want, that's when you've got something to lose. She's afraid of losing you, Cohen

Seth:
Why? I'm not going anywhere.

Kirsten Cohen:
I sense sarcasm.

Seth:
Well, you're perceptive, mother.

[discussing what "Uncle Shaughn" does for the company]

Kirsten Cohen:
He's a consultant.

Sandy Cohen:
Could you please be a little more vague?

Kirsten Cohen:
He knows people.

Sandy Cohen:
You did it! That was more vague!

[explaining why she wants to keep her relationship with Seth a secret]

Summer Roberts:
Sure, this week we're the hottest couple, but soon everyone hates us! "How many Juicy Sweatsuits does she need?" "Ugh, that goatee is so 90s!" And pretty soon, the movie bombs and the wedding is called off!

Oliver Trask:
So Luke is...

Seth:
Yeah, we don't let him out much.

Marissa:
I understand why you have to do this.

Ryan:
Thanks.

Marissa:
But I wish you didn't have to.

Ryan:
Me too.

Marissa:
I love you.

Marissa:
[while dancing] I just want you to know... that I understand why you have to do this.

Ryan:
Thanks.

Marissa:
[starting to cry] But.. I wish you didn't have to.

Ryan:
[hugging Marissa] Me too.

Marissa:
I love you.

Oliver:
[holding a gun] Put the phone down.

Marissa:
I'm sorry Oliver it's just, I got scared so I called Ryan...

Oliver:
You called Ryan?

Marissa:
I'm sorry Oliver! I thought we were, just friends!

Oliver:
Marissa, I'm in LOVE with you! Can't you see that?

Marissa:
Ryan! He's got a gun!

Oliver:
Why did you do that?

Seth Cohen:
Today's topic: Capes - fey or kinda cool?