Gallagher: Mad as Hell

Gallagher:
Well, you gotta get mad about this stuff. I'm doing all the gettin' mad for all you people. Why ain't you mad Christmas don't come at a better time of the year? It comes right in the middle of the holidays, when you're busy.

Gallagher:
Why do people who are clever and intelligent use their cleverness and their intelligence to get out of work?

Man in audience:
That's why they're clever.

Gallagher:
No it isn't. That's why they're fat.

Gallagher:
Now if it ain't sex, what is it gang? Beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer, beer. You ain't American unless you drinkin' a beer. All the time, have a beer. Damn it, any damn time is the time for Bud. Bull sh*t. [audience laughs] Traffic court. [audience laughs] "Wait a minute, judge. Let me pop a cool one. [mimes opening a beer can] Weavin'? I can't even knit."

Gallagher:
Well, ain't it stupid? I guess I get mad over stuff I shouldn't get mad about. But look at this Memorex commercial we've been watching for years. Now, is it any mystery that it's the tape? I mean, it's a Memorex commercial. What good would it do to go, "It was live! It was Ella! We didn't need the damn tape!" I don't know.

Gallagher:
See, we're nuts. We buy weights, put 'em in the garage, have an electric garage door opener.

Gallagher:
You ever decide to run a yellow light and a guy in front of you chickens out? That'll put a spot on the front seat.

Gallagher:
I don't want you to get the idea that I experiment with drugs, cause I don't. I'm into full-scale research.

Gallagher:
Now just cause God made it don't mean it's perfect. God made flyin' squirrels. Why? So they could swoop down and surprise unsuspecting acorns?