Hot Rod

Rod Kimble:
You're wrong, Frank. I'm not a kid, I'm a man. I am gonna get you better, and then I'm gonna beat you to death!

Rod Kimble:
I need to go to my quiet place!

Rod Kimble:
I needed to think last night. So I galloped into a wooded glen, and after punch dancing out my rage and suffering an extremely long and very painful fall, I realized what has to be done.

Rod Kimble:
You're the devil!

Rod Kimble:
Have fun being married to SATAN!

Rod Kimble:
Life's Short, Stunt it!

Rod Kimble:
I'm officially kicking off Phase Two: Operation Fiscal Jackhammer.

Rod Kimble:
[singing] Please believe, I do my laundry with no pants on!

Rod Kimble:
I'd rather die than live in a world where I can't kick your ass.

Rod Kimble:
You have only to believe if you wish to achieve. That rhymed. Unintentional.

Rod Kimble:
The front of his face exploded out the back of his skull. He died instantly, the next day.

Rod Kimble:
I used to be legit. In fact, I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.

Rod Kimble:
Who wants to see me do a BIG-ASS STUNT!!!

Rod Kimble:
When you go on a date, you put on a shirt, and you drive your bike to the DAAAATE!

Kevin Powell:
It's bouncing around the Web like a beach ball at a Nickelback concert.

Kevin Powell:
Cool beans.

Kevin Powell:
Rod, are you okay?

Frank Powell:
Never -- sneak up on a man who's been in a chemical fire.

Frank Powell:
Old man, young heart!

Frank Powell:
Play the victim and you will be the victim.

Frank Powell:
You're a p*ssy.

Rico:
I'm freakin pumped! I've been drinking green tea all goddamn day!

Rico:
I don't even cry, and look at me, you're about to make tears come outta my face!

Rico:
My balls itch more than a flea on a jack russel terrier!

Rico:
Hahahahahahahaa... I'ma go drop some dumpage.

Rico:
Yoohoo sh[*]theads, I just found a bag of fireworks in the men's restrooms; would you guys like to light them off?

Rico:
Don't you EVER try to tell me how to live my life AGAIN!

Barry:
Now I don't want to say that kiss was hot, but if the boner police are here, I demand a lawyer!

Barry:
Igloo

Barry:
I've got a tattoo here that fully illustrates my point. It's of this rebellious young man, and he's urinating on an FM radio. And then this other stream of urine is going onto that television set. Implausible, I know, but I like to think that he had sex the night before, and a little bit of residue is blocking his urethra, allowing the urine to flow in two separate directions.

Rod Kimble:
All great men have mustaches!

Frank Powell:
Yeah, but real men actually grow them!

Rod Kimble:
You know I have a hormone disorder!

Frank Powell:
Ooh!

Rod Kimble:
[Absent-mindedly, as Denise walks away] You look pretty.

Denise:
[Turning around] What?

Rod Kimble:
Uh, I said you look shitty. Goodnight, Denise! [Turns and runs away]

Richardson:
There is no tool in this pool.

Rod Kimble:
We're gonna jump 15 buses.

Rico:
Whoa, come on, Rod. That's nearly as many as Evel Knievel jumped.

Rod Kimble:
It's actually one more than Evel Knievel jumped, Rico. I know. I checked. Online.

Rod Kimble:
Now, who's with me? [everyone raises their hand] Good. Now let's celebrate.

Rico:
I had another weird dream last night; this time it was the one where I am fighting like a thousand wizards and the only way to kill them is to punch them as hard as I can in the face, and after I finally finished the last of them all, their wizard wives came out and just wanted me to have sex with them... which is kinda weird.

Rod Kimble:
I thought it would be fun if we all went around and said our name and a little something about ourselves. I'll start. My name is Rod and I like to party. Alright. Dave, you're up.

Dave:
Uh, hi, uh, my name is Dave, and, uh, I like to party.

Rod Kimble:
Uh, no Dave. I just said that I party so maybe you could do something different from me.

Dave:
My name is Dave, and I am the stuntman.

Rod Kimble:
You know what, let's move on. Rico, you're up.

Rico:
Uh, hello. I'm Rico and I like to party.

Rod Kimble:
Yeah, uh, Rico, what'd I just say to Dave?

Rico:
Who?

Rod Kimble:
Dave.

Kevin Powell:
I like to party, and I'm Rod.

Rod Kimble:
No, you're Kevin!

Kevin Powell:
Right. Kevin. I party.

Rod Kimble:
No. No you don't. Okay, nobody parties but me.

Dave:
Yes. And we party.

Rod Kimble:
No!

Rico:
Yeah, just Rod.

Rod Kimble:
Yes!

Rico:
And me.

Rod Kimble:
No! I'm the only one who parties!

Kevin Powell:
I'm pretty sure I've partied before.

Rod Kimble:
No, Kevin, I know for a fact you don't party. Okay, you do NOT party!

Kevin Powell:
You're right. Dave is the party guy.

Dave:
Huh-huh, sweet.

Rod Kimble:
Oh my god, shut up! Okay, I'm just gonna do it for you. Denise, this is the crew. Dave's the mechanic, Rico makes the ramps, and Kevin is team manager slash videographer. None of them party, right? Got it? Okay. Let's party.

Rod Kimble:
My safe word will be whiskey [enunciates the h].

Kevin Powell:
[confused] Sorry, Rod, what was that?

Rod Kimble:
[same pronunciation] Whiskey.

Kevin Powell:
[still confused] Don't you mean whiskey?

Rod Kimble:
Hwhat?

Kevin Powell:
You're saying it weird.

Rod Kimble:
Saying hwhat hweird?

Kevin Powell:
All of it.

Rod Kimble:
Hwhere do you get off?

Kevin Powell:
I just don't get why you're saying it that way.

Rod Kimble:
Hwhy am I saying hwhat hwhat hway?

Kevin Powell:
Forget it.

Rod Kimble:
I hwill! I hwill forget it!

Rod Kimble:
Whoa, whiskey! Whiskey! Whiiskeeeeeeeeeey! Whiskeeey! Whiskeeeeey! [crashes into a parked RV]

Rico:
Oh sh*t!

Denise:
Rod! Are you okay?

Rod Kimble:
Ooohhh...the safety word didn't help.

Kevin Powell:
Hey, Rod, what's that song about grandma getting run over by a reindeer?

Rod Kimble:
Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer?

Kevin Powell:
No...

Denise:
Oh, Rod. What were you going to ask me?

Rod Kimble:
Oh, right. I was gonna ask you who you think would win in a fight between... a grilled cheese sandwich and a taco.

Denise:
Is that what you were really going to ask me?

Rod Kimble:
Yes.

Denise:
Um, grilled cheese. But only in a fair fight. If it was prison rules, I'd put my money on the taco.

Rod Kimble:
Wow, that's pretty racist, but correct.

Rod Kimble:
[whispering] Frank. I know you're sleeping but I just wanted you to know the training is going really great. My reflexes are sharp, I'm crazy agile, and I have a date. So, anyways, that's the update. Sleep tight. [turns around]

Frank Powell:
Who're you talking to?

Rod Kimble:
Haaah! Haaaaaah!

Rod Kimble:
Hey, Denise, have I ever shown you a picture of my dead dad?

Denise:
No.

Rod Kimble:
Oh, you've gotta see it. He's super dead.

Denise:
That's him?

Rod Kimble:
Yeah

Denise:
[giggles] He looks so nice. He was a stuntman?

Rod Kimble:
Oh, yeah. He used to work for Evel Knievel, testing his bikes before big jumps. He would do the jumps first to make sure they were safe and let Evel come in and get all the glory. Then after a while the old man said, "To hell with that. I want the credit I deserve." So one afternoon, he set out to jump ten milk trucks. He nailed the take-off, but when he landed, something terrible happened. His front tire exploded like a cannonball, and his handle bars went straight through his head. Blood was everywhere. His teeth were ground down to a powder, and the front of his face exploded out the back of his skull. He died instantly...the next day.

Rod Kimble:
[to Kevin] You're the next Douglas Bubbletrousers!

Furious Boss:
You're a terrible stuntman.

Rod Kimble:
What?

Furious Boss:
[louder] You're a terrible stuntman.

Rod Kimble:
What?

Furious Boss:
[screaming] You're a terrible stuntman!

Rod Kimble:
Haha, I'm just kidding. I could hear you. It was just really mean.

Denise:
Tai Chi teaches that if you focus your body and mind you'll be able to perform at the peak of your abilities.

Rod Kimble:
Yes, Sensei.

Denise:
You don't have to call me Sensei, Rod.

Rod Kimble:
Got it. Sensei, I have a question: Is there a Tai Chi move that would make a grown man crap his pants and not know why?

Denise:
I'm not going to lie to you, Rod. That move does exist. But you're not ready for it yet.

Rod Kimble:
As you wish, Sensei.

Marie Powell:
It's nice to see him smiling again.

Rod Kimble:
Yeah, but you know what won't make him smile? [yelling] WHEN I MURDER HIM! [slams door and shatters window on door] And I'm genuinely sorry about the window!

Rico:
I hope you enjoy the show.

Frank Powell:
I can assure you I won't.

Rod Kimble:
Your video made me look like an idiot.

Kevin Powell:
I didn't mean to.

Rod Kimble:
What was it Kev? Jealousy? You couldn't take everyone loving my stunts and thinking you're short?

Kevin Powell:
I'm not short...

Rod Kimble:
YES, YOU ARE.

Kevin Powell:
NO, I'M NOT!

Rod Kimble:
[after finding out his dad wasn't a stuntman] So how did he die?

Marie Powell:
He choked on some pie.

Rod Kimble:
What? Come on! Seriously?

Marie Powell:
He wanted to win that contest so badly...

Rod Kimble:
I used to be legit. In fact, I was too legit. I was too legit to quit. But now I'm not legit. I'm unlegit. And for that reason, I must quit.

Denise:
You don't mean that...

Rod Kimble:
Yeah, I do. Stay sweet. [Walks away and gets hit by a car]

Kevin Powell:
So, cool beans?

Rod Kimble:
Cool beans.

Kevin Powell:
Cool beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool beans.

Kevin Powell:
Cool beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool beans.

Kevin Powell:
Cool beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool beans.

Kevin Powell:
Cool beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-Cool

Kevin Powell:
Beans-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cooooooooooooool-

Kevin Powell:
Be-Be-Be-Be-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-Cool

Kevin Powell:
Beans-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Coo-Coo-Cool

Kevin Powell:
Beans-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans.

Rod Kimble:
C-C-C-Cool

Kevin Powell:
Beans-Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-

Kevin Powell:
Beans.

Rod Kimble:
Cool-Cool

Kevin Powell:
Bea-Be-Be-Be-Be.

Rod Kimble:
COOL BEANS!

Kevin Powell:
So, cool beans?

Rod Kimble:
Yeah, cool beans.

Dave:
Oh, whoa, wait, what... Why is Rod kissing his sister, man?

Rico:
Uh, Denise isn't his sister.

Dave:
She's not?

Kevin Powell:
No.

Dave:
Aw, man. That just shatters my entire universe.

Rod Kimble:
Souls of the Animal Kingdom! Eagle, Fox, Bottlenose Dolphin, Octopus, House Cat! Okay, let's jump this jump!

Rod Kimble:
[waves to a taco while he's wandering through white nothingness] Hi. [a grilled cheese sandwich walks up to the taco and starts to fight with it] Ho, ho! Ho yeah! Yes! Yeah! [the taco is beating the grilled cheese sandwich with a folding chair] Finish him! Finish him! Yeah-heh-ha! [grilled cheese sandwich lies motionless with blood oozing out of the back of its head]

Denise:
[distantly] Rod? Rod!

Rod Kimble:
Denise? [wakes up gasping] Hoobastank!

Rod Kimble:
Denise, you were right; the taco won.

Scrooge:
Ho-ho-ho! A cooked goose for everyone! Ha-ha-ha!

Barry:
It's Ebenezer Scrooge!

Scrooge:
Yes! A cooked goose! Ha-ha-haaaaa!

'Rod Kimble"':
Kevin. Did you reinforce the takeoff ramp?

"'Kevin Powell"':
No, we didn't have time.

"'Rod Kimble"':
Wooh...[speaking to self] Soul of an Eagle. [Crashes]

"'Rico"':
Oh Sh*t.

"'Kevin Powell"':
Rod you okay?

"'Rod Kimble"':
[throws up everywhere]

Rod Kimble:
[Opens up the box with the new stuntman uniform] No Way!

Kevin Powell:
You're gonna look like a champion Rod.

Rod Kimble:
You guys, this thing is NUMBER ONE!!

Kevin Powell:
Wait Rod, there's more.

Dave:
Ye-ye-yeah uh, we were uh, worried that the moped might not be uh, fast enough to clear the jump so uh, [pulls back curtain to reveal motorcycle]

Rod Kimble:
No way. Whoa, Dave, this thing is NUMBER ONE!!

Dave:
Now I know she doesn't look like much, but trust me man, shes got some kick, a lot.

Rod Kimble:
Alright.

Rico:
There's one more thing Rod. I know how you like explosions and showmanship and stuff, so I rigged the whole jump with fireworks.

Rod Kimble:
Cool!

Rico:
And I got you this rock [presents him with a small rock wrapped in a bow] to represent ALL my hard work.

Rod Kimble:
[less enthused] Oh, cool Rico. [grabs rock from Rico's palm] that's number one.

Rico:
Yeah, you could pretty much just toss that after the fireworks go off, it's cool.

Rod Kimble:
Thanks, thanks all of you.

Dave:
[Quietly] Pools are perfect for holding water man.

Rico:
[Filling the pool with the water hose] Man, I don't really know about having a girl on the team, man.

Dave:
Alright Rico listen. Um, there's an ancient Italian maxim uh, that roughly translates to, uh "He who is resistant to change is destined to perish". So, why don't you try to open up that mind of yours? You know? It's like, look at Kevin, I mean, he... [Rico sprays him in the face with the hose] Real mature, man.

Rico:
Yeah, don't you EVER tell me how to live my life again.

Cathy:
[microphone squeals] 'Voltron?'

Dave:
That's me.

Cathy:
Oh, hi Dave.

Dave:
How you doin Cathy?

Cathy:
Why'd you call yourself 'Voltron?'

Dave:
I dunno, maybe cos it's SUPER badass

Cathy:
...You're weird.

Dave:
Hells yeah I am!

Rod:
You look pretty.

Denise:
What was that?

Rod:
Uh, I said you look shitty. Goodnight!

Rod Kimble:
He's your real dad so he automatically loves you. But I'm his step-son, I have to earn it.

Rod Kimble:
But I still to kick your ass (Frank). How can I do that if you're dead??

Rico:
I go to church every goddamn Sunday! You gonna bring the demons outta me?