The Laughing Policeman

[repeated line]

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Know what I mean?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
I want you to help me follow Henry Camarero for a few days, that's all.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Why?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Well he knows me from the original Teresa investigation...

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[cutting off Jake] No, I mean why do you suddenly need me for anything? You've been doing this all by yourself all along. I've seen you. You never even bothered to show me the picture you showed the man upstairs just now.

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Evans was following Gus Niles, right? Well I think Niles wanted Evans to follow him.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
You mean you think he was setting the kid up?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
That's exactly what I think.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
For what?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Well Evans nearly had it, he just hadn't figured out Camarero yet, that's all. He was trying to spook Niles.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Terrific! We can tell the chief that we've got a fruiter that runs when he's chased!

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[responding to his partner's one-word answers] Have you ever thought of having your own radio talk-show?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Evans was working the Teresa thing on his own time. He's killed on the same bus with Gus Niles who's looking for a grease gun that happens to be the weapon used.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
And then his girlfriend winds up dead on the floor with the needle... Jake, you realize what you just did? You do it to me all the time, now you heard what the man said upstairs.

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
I heard him, I was up there, he's a nice man, he shoots in the low 80s, but he plays too close to the vest.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Then what are you laying all that crap on ME FOR? WHY DON'T YOU STOP IT FOR ONCE? That's YOUR personal hangup, it does NOT happen to be mine!

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Can't you see it?

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
I see one thing, I see why you're such a good cop, and one reason only, because you're so screwed up otherwise. You're beyond human belief, you understand that? You've got nothing else, no personal life, nothing!

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
And what the hell are YOU worried about, your goddamned pension?

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
That's exactly it! Put in my twenty-five and collect my fifty-five!

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
All I'm asking you to do is help me tail a guy for a few days, it's routine!

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
IT IS NOT ROUTINE JAKE, GODDAMMIT, IF THE BOSS SAYS FORGET IT!

Insp. James Larrimore SFPD:
[to pimp he has just pushed to the floor] What ever you are reaching for better be a sandwich coz you're gonna have to eat it!

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Who's the short guy?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
His lawyer.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Oh, Jake, short lawyers - they worry me. Probably got enough juice to get a Sodomy beef reduced to Following Too Close.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[after spending the day monitoring Henry Camarero] We got a man farting in silk and playing all day.

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
I talked to Frank at the lab, and he got an FBI report on Gus Niles' prints from his service record.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[mildly surprised] Uh, are you just making conversation now?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Gus Niles used to be Andrew Medford, and he was in business with Camarero for awhile. You wanna take a guess who was Camarero's alibi at the Teresa inquest?

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[realizing Jake's hunch about Camarero as the bus killer has substance behind it] How come you didn't make that in the original investigation?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Because Gus Niles was still alive then, but that's a nice question, Leo. You're using your head.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[at the bus massacre] Sometimes I think the department ought to issue us whips and chairs.

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
I'm looking for Samuel Avakian.

Porno Cashier:
Christ, I've never heard him called that before. What's Sammy up to now?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Where is he?

Porno Cashier:
He's probably in his office, making believe he's a winner.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Know what you can do for us, Rodney? You're gonna walk down the street, you're gonna get in the back seat of that white car, or I'm gonna kick your nuts up around your neck. Know what I mean, boy?

Insp. James Larrimore SFPD:
Partner, go to the car and get on the radio.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
What did I do, break another rule? [to Davis] What are you gonna do, son? Eyeball me to death?

Insp. James Larrimore SFPD:
Now you got three choices: you can either go to the morgue, the hospital, or you can get in that car. The decision is yours.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[When a heroin dealer trades information for a reduced sentence] I hope you're not jerking us, Haygood. Cause if you are, by the time you come back, smack'll be legal. Know what I mean?

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
[about Niles' girlfriend] She left for lunch yesterday afternoon and hasn't been heard from since. What do you think?

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
I'm only allowed one think a day.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
[after Camerero leaves a gay bar with another man] I think he's a fag. Things are looser now. I guess a couple years ago, that was enough to ruin you.

Sgt. Jake Martin SFPD:
Well, that's what I've been saying.

Insp. Leo Larsen SFPD:
Yeah, that's probably where I heard it. You think that Theresa found out about him and then didn't know which way to turn?