22 Jump Street

[from trailer]

Captain Dickson:
We Jump Street, and we 'bout to jump in yo ass.

Jenko:
Mmmm-hmmm.

Schmidt:
Right in the crack.

Jenko:
[to bandit] I'm your best ni... I'm your worst nightmare!

[from trailer]

Schmidt:
Yo Sleepy, wus up, homie? Everyone saying that Sleepy, he like the Mexican wolverine.

Scarface:
Why you not talking?

Jenko:
My name is Jeff!

Schmidt:
[after Mr. Walters mimicked him mockingly] I don't sound like that.

Mr. Walters:
Eric! Close your eyes and tell me who's talking! [makes a whining baby sound]

Eric Molson:
[eyes closed] Ugh, Schmidt bein' a little bitch.

Deputy Chief Hardy:
The Koreans bought the church back, so we had to move across the street... to 22 Jump Street.

Captain Dickson:
F*** a 21 Jump Street & *F**** a Korean Jesus!

Jenko:
[pointing across the room to the statue of Jesus] Captain, Korean Jesus is right there!

Captain Dickson:
That's Vietnamese Jesus now. See this is a Vietnamese church, you racist sacrilegious sack of shit! [admiring Vietnamese Jesus] Yeah, Vietnamese Jesus is just drippin' swag-goo!

Schmidt:
[about Jenko] He has one class in Human Sexuality, and now he's Harvey Milk.

Captain Dickson:
[see's Schmidt dating his daughter maya] How do you know this person?

Maya:
Dad, this is Doug, he's a guy I'm dating.

Captain Dickson:
What the f***?

Mrs. Dickson:
So, how did you and Doug meet?

Maya:
We met at a party and then he stalked me to my dorm room.

Captain Dickson:
Stalked you? And then what happened?

Maya:
Then, we hung out and watched a movie.

Maya:
[pause for a second] Actually, we watched it a couple times.

Captain Dickson:
This is bullshit! Waiter, can a black man get some water?

Schmidt:
Someone get the f***ing man some water. He's black, he's been through a lot!

[last lines before end credits sequence]

Captain Dickson:
Jenko, what are you doing, man?

Jenko:
F*** you, Schmidt!

Captain Dickson:
Stop dicking around!

Jenko:
Hey, captain!

Captain Dickson:
Congratulations, you two. You managed to un-f*** a situation you originally already f***ed up!

Schmidt:
Thanks!

Captain Dickson:
[talking to Schmidt] I wish I could have you un-f*** my daughter, but I'ma let that be the past.

Captain Dickson:
[talking to Schmidt and Jenko] Now, for your next mission, you two sons of bitches going to medical school!

Jenko:
What?

Mr. Walters:
Hey, guess what. I'm Eric's bitch!

Eric Molson:
No you're not.

Mr. Walters:
Yes I am! You own this ass!

Captain Dickson:
Gentlemen, you're not gonna sit here [places pistol down on desk] & pretend there's not a big-ass elephant in the room.

Jenko:
[confused] What the f*** is going on?

Captain Dickson:
[turns picture frame on desk around, revealing a photo of Maya] *This* is what the f*** is going on!

Jenko:
[looks at the picture confused, looks at Schmidt, then back at the picture as he realizes] OH SHIT! Oh Shit! [laughs hysterically at Schmidt] Oh shit! No! That is not happening right now! [exits office] No! [to coworkers, exchanging high fives] Hey ya'll he's f***ing the captain's daughter! Yo! Oh my F***!

Captain Dickson:
[as Jenko is laughing outside office, to Schmidt] Every time, he says that shit? That's another foot in your ass!

Jenko:
[outside office] Schmidt! You clearly... yo, this is the best thing ever! [laughing] Schmidt f***ed the captain's daughter! [sing-song] Schmidt f***ed the captain's daughter! Schmidt f***ed the captain's daughter!

Jenko:
[re-enters office] Shit! F***! [to Schmidt] You f***ed Captain Dickson's daughter? Captain? What the f***, you bragged to him to his face! To his actual face, the captain, do you understand that *this face* [pointing to Captain Dickson's angry face] right here! You bragged to that face!

Jenko:
[to Captain Dickson] You actually high-fived Schmidt for f***ing your daughter? Holy Shit! Oh my God, this is...

Captain Dickson:
[picks pistol up and places it back on the desk, with the barrel facing Jenko]

Jenko:
[composing himself] It's really not that funny.

Schmidt:
I just wanna say that it was bizarre not to share the fact that your daughter went to MC State...

Captain Dickson:
I think it's bizarre that I haven't cut your motherf***in' nuts off.

Jenko:
[to Schmidt] What if, Captain gets to punch you in the face, one time? Really, really, REALLY hard?

Captain Dickson:
Nah, I've got something WAY better than that.

[cut to Captain Dickson shooting a stun gun at Schmidt's testicles]

Deputy Chief Hardy:
Do the same thing as last time. Everyone's happy.

Jenko:
F*** you, doves!

Schmidt:
Say something cool when you throw it!

Jenko:
One, two, three! [throws the grenade] Something cool!

[during end credits sequence]

Captain Dickson:
This time, foreign exchange students!

Schmidt:
Awesome!

Jenko:
Yes!

Captain Dickson:
In Russia!

Jenko:
What?

[during end credits sequence]

Jenko:
I'm really really glad you're back, Schmidt.

Schmidt:
What are you talking about? What contract dispute? I have been here the whole time.

Captain Dickson:
Hey, shut the f*** up! How about a flight academy?

Mercedes:
This is so boring. No one's getting shot.

Mercedes:
[one of her bodyguards gets shot] Oh my God! Did you just get shot? Like, right after I f***ing said that?

Jenko:
Did you get Mercedes?

Schmidt:
Yes, all by myself!

Jenko:
Really?

Schmidt:
...Mainly by myself!

Schmidt:
[while hanging from a helicopter] There's a grenade in my shorts, can you reach it? Go in from underneath!

Jenko:
Oh, shit! Is that it?

Schmidt:
No, that's my dick!

Jenko:
What about that?

Schmidt:
That's my dick also!

Jenko:
Why is it hard?

Schmidt:
I'm so full of adrenalin right now!

History Proffesor:
Mr. McQuaid?

Jenko:
...uh, Covalent Bonds.

Slam... poetry. YELLING! Angry???? WAVING MY HANDS A LOT! Specific point of view on things! Cynthia! Cyn-thi-a! Jesus died for our sin-thi-as! Jesus cried, runaway bride. Julia Roberts! Julia Rob-hurts????! Cynthia! Mmmmmmmm, Cynthia. You're dead. You are dead, bop boop beep bop bop boop bop. You're dead. That's for Cynthia... who's dead.

[post credits scene]

Mr. Walters:
Eric! Eric, are you awake?

Eric Molson:
No!

Mr. Walters:
I'm late!

[Eric is seen with a sad and miserable look on his face while moving his lips in horror. Cut to Columbia Pictures ending logo with the sound of a prison cell closing in the background]

Adam Sandler:

Ouch man my dick hurts!

jeff

My name Jeff