2 Days in Paris

Jack:
I'm a huge Val Kilmer fan.

Jack:
This isn't Paris. This is hell.

Marion:
Ugghhh [Jack removes Marion's glasses] I can't see you. I could be having sex with Gregory Peck or something.

Jack:
Well, good for you.

Marion:
It always fascinated me how people go from loving you madly to nothing at all, nothing. It hurts so much. When I feel someone is going to leave me, I have a tendency to break up first before I get to hear the whole thing. Here it is. One more, one less. Another wasted love story. I really love this one. When I think that its over, that I'll never see him again like this... well yes, I'll bump into him, we'll meet our new boyfriend and girlfriend, act as if we had never been together, then we'll slowly think of each other less and less until we forget each other completely. Almost. Always the same for me. Break up, break down. Drunk up, fool around. Meet one guy, then another, f*** around. Forget the one and only. Then after a few months of total emptiness start again to look for true love, desperately look everywhere and after two years of loneliness meet a new love and swear it is the one, until that one is gone as well. There's a moment in life where you can't recover any more from another break-up. And even if this person bugs you sixty percent of the time, well you still can't live without him. And even if he wakes you up every day by sneezing right in your face, well you love his sneezes more than anyone else's kisses.

Jack:
A blow job is actually a big political event in the grand scheme of things. After all it was a blow job that destroyed any chance at a healthy democracy.

Marion:
It's not your dick that's too big for French condoms. It's your ego that's too big for French condoms. And... and Italian, too.

Jack:
Great, we get to eat the little bunny's food too.

Jack:
Can I use this thermometer? [puts it in the mouth]

Marion:
I usually don't use this one in the mouth. I mean...

Jack:
Oh, come on! What is wrong with you?

Marion:
What? It's a french thermometer.

Jack:
Are you 5? You still use the thermometer up your ass?

American tourist:
I think the French are so rude.

Jack:
I know. It's a clich? but it's true.

Jack:
Um, so what's the deal, man?

Marion:
What?

Jack:
That guy was looking at you like you were a big leg of lamb. It's like he had the fork and the knife and the bib.

Marion:
I am a big leg of lamb.

Jack:
I know, but you're my leg of lamb. How do you know him?

Marion:
Well, we met many years ago, and we had a little thing. I think I gave... I gave him a blowj*b. No big deal.

Jack:
Really? A blowj*b's no big deal?

Marion:
Oh, I'm sorry.

Jack:
I'm all right.

Marion:
No I mean, it's no big deal in comparison to what's going on in the world. You know, there's George Bush, the war in Iraq, there's Avian flu and then there's a blowj*b. You know what I mean?

Jack:
Right, right.

Marion:
In consideration, it's...

Jack:
Nice transition.

Marion:
It's a pretty minor event. Don't you think?

Jack:
I would actually say it's not a minor event... if you wanna start talking in the grander political scheme of things. If you think about it,it was a blowj*b after all, that brought down America's last chance at a healthy democracy.

Marion:
You know why people are attracted to one other? Cos people with very different immune systems are attracted to one other so the offspring, the baby, will have a stronger immune system with the combination of the two immune systems. [Jack pretends to snore] Don't snore! It's important!

Jack:
Oh!, No! Yeh! No! I was saying the same thing!

Jack:
My first religion is private property. Don't trespass. Don't touch my sh*t.