3 Men and a Baby

Michael Kellam:
How can something so small create so much of something so disgusting?

Peter:
Beats the sh*t out of me.

Michael Kellam:
She did a doodle; your turn to change her.

Peter:
I'll give you a thousand dollars if you'll do it.

Jack Holden:
Angelyne! Whew! Boy, you look different. What happened?

Angelyne:
I'm dressed.

Rebecca:
Jack has a baby?

Peter Mitchell:
I realize such a concept tends to negate our belief in a benevolent God, but yes.

Mrs. Hathaway:
I love kids. Unfortunately Mr. Hathaway and I aren't able to have children. He has a low sperm count.

Michael Kellam:
Some guys have all the luck.

Peter:
All we have to do is feed it, it'll shut up.

Michael Kellam:
I don't know what babies eat.

Peter:
Soft stuff. We were babies once, for Christ's sakes, what did we eat?

Michael Kellam:
I don't know, but it couldn't have been very good, I can't remember!

Peter:
Feel her teeth.

Michael Kellam:
What?

Peter:
The druggist said you can tell how old she is by feeling her teeth.

Michael Kellam:
I'm not gonna feel her teeth, YOU feel her teeth!

[Peter wets and cleans his finger, then sticks it in Mary's mouth]

Peter:
I can't feel anything.

Michael Kellam:
What does that mean?

Peter:
It means she doesn't have any damn teeth!

Michael Kellam:
Well, neither did Gabby Hayes and he was 90, so what?

Peter Mitchell:
I'm an architect for Christ sake, I build 50 story skyscrapers, I assemble cities of the future, I can certainly put together a goddam diaper.

Michael Kellam:
Whoa, these diapers are way too big!

Peter:
They're ultra absorbent! The more absorbent, the better if you ask me.

Peter:
The little insect was just... Waiting for that diaper to fall off.

Peter Mitchell:
Where'd you put the baby powder?

Michael Kellam:
Down the hall, I'll get it.

Peter Mitchell:
What'd you put it out there for? We're bathing her in here.

Michael Kellam:
It's just down the hall!

Peter Mitchell:
Well, we're not bathing her in the hall, are we?

Michael Kellam:
Well, maybe we should START, goddammit!

[Slams baby powder container on pool table, causing powder to pour everywhere]

Peter Mitchell:
You're going to clean that up.

Peter:
Oh, this is disgusting. It's all over and it's... It's sticky and... We're going to need some kind of cleaning fluid to get this off.

Michael Kellam:
How about after shave?

Michael Kellam:
[singing] Hush little baby, don't you cry. When Peter gets home, I'm gonna punch him in the eye.

Jan:
Baby take very, very much work.

Peter Mitchell:
Thanks for telling me that, Jan, I did not know that. What is he, an idiot savant?

Peter Mitchell:
Oh no, she doodled!

Jan:
"Doodled". Ha ha.

Peter Mitchell:
Yes, doodled! What's the matter, don't babies doodle in Hungary?

Michael Kellam:
There's been sh*t all over the place!

Vince:
You mean the package burst?

Michael Kellam:
[Thinking they meant the baby] Well yes, I guess you could say that.

Vince:
Well did you put the sh*t back?

Michael Kellam:
No, we had it bronzed for posterity. What do you think we did with it?

Jack Holden:
[On the phone] I'll bring you guys something back from Turkey. Maybe a drumstick.

Peter Mitchell:
There's a quarter of a million dollars in heroin in the diaper pail and the new baby wipes are in the hall cabinet.

Jack Holden:
[Changing Mary] How do you put on these Goddamn things?

Peter Mitchell:
Figure it out for yourself, d*ckhead.

Jack Holden:
Oh, no! Not on the silk sheets! Not on the silk sheets!

Rebecca:
Where is Jack?

Peter Mitchell:
He's in Turkey. Exactly where I'd be if my baby was in New York.

Grocer:
How old is your baby?

Peter Mitchell:
[Spreads his arms apart] About this old.

Peter Mitchell:
How old is the baby?

Michael Kellam:
I dunno, you want me to check her driver's license?

Sgt. Malkowitz:
Feels as though she's ready for a change.

Michael Kellam:
I'll do it.

Peter Mitchell:
Babies. All they do is eat, sleep and poop.

Michael Kellam:
Where the hell have you been? This baby hasn't stopped crying! And she did a doodle.

Peter Mitchell:
A doodle? What's that...? Oh, forget it. I don't want to know.

Michael Kellam:
Well you're gonna know, Pal, 'cause she did it.

Michael Kellam:
[Finding a baby on their doorstep] That's a baby.

Peter Mitchell:
I know it's a baby. What is it doing there?

Michael Kellam:
It's sleeping.

Peter Mitchell:
Look at this [news clipping] , this is your friend Paul Milner! 'Don't let this happen to you!'

Jack Holden:
'Commercial Director Hospitalized After Mugging'... they're trying to intimidate us, I hate that!

Peter Mitchell:
I've had enough of this doo-doo!

Michael Kellam:
I want to FINISH this, OK?

Peter Mitchell:
Michael, you're going to have to wash where the poop was.

Michael Kellam:
See this? This is a hairry chest. You want one of these?

[Michael and Peter are changing Mary's diaper]

Michael Kellam:
Peter, this is a girl. Should we be doing this?

Jack Holden:
You're a good man, Peter.

Peter Mitchell:
I'm a goddam saint.

Jack Holden:
Saint's a little much.

Peter Mitchell:
I had to go to four different stores to buy four different kids of formula. Three different kids of diapers, bottles, towels, you have no idea how much crap these kids need.

Peter Mitchell:
[to the baby] Your daddy's a dead man.

Peter Mitchell:
[reading a review of a boxing match in a hushed, storytelling way] The champ caught Smith with a savage left hook...

Michael Kellam:
What are you reading her?

Peter Mitchell:
[responding to Michael in same tone] It doesn't matter what I read, it's the tone you use. She doesn't understand the words anyway, now where were we?

Jack Holden:
Somebody leaves a baby at the door and you automatically assume it's mine? The baby doesn't look anything like me! I'm bigger... and I've got more hair!

Peter:
[reads note that came with Mary] "Dear Jack, here is our baby. I'm sorry I can't handle this right now..."

Jack Holden:
[snatches note from Peter and reads] S-S-Sylvia?... Stratford! A year and a half... a year and a half ago. I did Taming of the Shrew; she was the Shrew! I did some of my best work in that one... got great reviews!

Michael Kellam:
Jack, you're such a jerk. You're always thinking of yourself! I wanna kill you...

Peter:
[holds Michael back] Don't worry, Micheal, you won't have to. Jack, I would like to introduce you to your daughter, Mary.

Jack Holden:
But... uh... what am I supposed to do with it?

Peter:
We've put our lives on hold, Jack, taking care of this kid. And now, it's your turn.

Jack Holden:
OK... ok... I'm an actor. I can do a father. Shouldn't be that hard.

Michael Kellam:
Goodnight, Jack.

Jack Holden:
[as Mary begins to cry] Wait, what's wrong with her?

Michael Kellam, Peter:
[walking back to bed] Goodnight, Jack.

[Jack, Michael, and Peter are waiting by a pay phone with Mary for the drug dealers to call. They are helping the police set a trap. The phone rings, Peter answers]

Peter:
Hello!... Yeah, we got your message!... Uh uh! No good! We do it our way!... 'Cause we've got the stuff! And, if you don't do it our way...

Jack Holden:
[whispering as Peter gathers himself] Say it, say it!

Peter:
We FLUSH it down the toilet! Now, listen, there's a construction site...