50/50

Mitch:
Why haven't we met Rachel?

Alan:
Yeah! What the f***?

Adam:
See, but... that's bullshit. That's what everyone has been telling me since the beginning. "Oh, you're gonna be okay," and "Oh, everything's fine," and like, it's not... It makes it worse... that no one will just come out and say it. Like, "hey man, you're gonna die."

Kyle:
You could have totally f***ed the sh*t out of that girl.

Adam:
No one wants to f*** me. I look like Voldemort.

Adam:
A tumor?

Dr. Ross:
Yes.

Adam:
Me?

Dr. Ross:
Yes.

Adam:
That doesn't make any sense though. I mean... I don't smoke, I don't drink... I recycle...

Adam:
You should go.

Rachael:
[Kissing him] I don't want to go. I want to stay here with you.

Adam:
No, seriously... you need to get the f*** off my porch.

Kyle:
She doesn't blow you?

Adam:
...She doesn't like to.

Kyle:
Of course she doesn't like to. No one likes putting a dick in their mouth.

Kyle:
You smell like you f***ed the cast of The View.

Adam:
That's what everybody's been saying: You'll feel better and don't worry and this is all fine and it's not.

Katherine:
You can't change your situation. The only thing that you can change is how you choose to deal with it.

Kyle:
I was in the neighborhood - I was just on a date with Claire, the girl I met at the bookstore? My date did not go well, unfortunately, due to a lack of chemistry... and, I think, an overuse of profanity on my part. But, whilst on my date... I ran into Rachael.

Adam:
Oh, yeah?

Kyle:
And I would like to present to you what I am going to call Exhibit... [Shows Adam a picture of Rachael kissing another man] *Whore*! Look at it! That's Rachael! And that's a f***in' filthy, Jesus-looking motherf***er, and they're kissing! I did it! I f***in' nailed you! I've hated you for months, and now I have f***in' evidence that you suck as a person! Holy sh*t! Holy sh*t!

Adam:
What were you doing when I called? Were you on facebook?

Katherine:
You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.

Adam:
I wish you were my girlfriend.

Katherine:
Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.

Adam:
I bet you'd be a good one.

Rachael:
Why am I the bad guy?

Kyle:
Because you're his girlfriend, you cheated on him, and he has f***ing cancer, you lunatic!

Adam:
Why didn't we go to a barber?

Kyle:
That would have been a good idea if we paid someone to do it.

Adam:
Using your f***ing balls trimmer instead of going to the barber.

Kyle:
I never washed them, ever. It's not my balls, it's my a**hole. I'm joking.

Adam:
You're not joking.

Rachael:
[Rachael has got Adam a dog, but he does not want it] "Ok, forget it i can just bring him back to the shelter in the morning."

Adam:
Well then what happens to him.

Rachael:
He'll be put back in his tiny cage with ten other dogs who will bully and rape him until he's eventually euthanized. [the dog looks up appealingly]

Adam:
Aren't you supposed to be wearing an earth-toned sweater and be like 65 or somethin?

Adam:
You're 24. Wow!

Adam:
So, what, are you like Doogie Howser or somethin?

Adam:
I see. So, have you had very many patients? Or...

Katherine:
My patient history is not...

Adam:
I'm your first patient, aren't I?

Katherine:
No. No, not at all.

Adam:
Second?

Katherine:
[laughs] No.

Adam:
Third?

Adam:
[Katherine rubs her hands together] Wow, okay, third. How are the first two doing?

Adam:
[When Katherine comes to see Adam after his surgery] I'm peeing right now.

Kyle:
[about Rachael] Has she been sucking on your dick, giving you blow jobs?

Adam:
No, she doesn’t like to.

Kyle:
No f***ing sh*t she doesn’t like to! Who likes putting d*cks in their mouths? That’s why they call them jobs!

[Adam is receiving his first session of chemotherapy. One of the other patients offers him a tin]

Alan:
Want a macaroon?

Adam:
Oh, thanks. I’m alright.

Alan:
[leans forward and whispers] There’s weed in ‘em.

Adam:
Oh, yeah, thank you, but I - I don’t do weed.

Alan:
C’mon, man. Just get high with us!

Adam:
Okay. Thanks.

[He takes a macaroon and eats it]

Mitch:
How old are you?

Adam:
Twenty-seven.

Alan:
That’s just the worst. A perfectly good youth wasted.

Mitch:
Alan, stop it. Don’t listen to him, he's just messing with you.

Alan:
Listen to me, this cancer is bullshit. First your hair’s going to fall out, then your balls’ll shrink. And if that isn’t enough, your dick becomes a constant source of disappointment.

[Alan and Mitch laugh]

Adam:
I got to tell you, I was really nervous about this whole cancer thing, and then I met you guys, and boy do I feel better.

Mitch:
So you want to drive, right now?

Alan:
Yeah.

Mitch:
You sure that's what you want to do?

Mitch:
That's your make-a-wish? To drive?

Alan:
I’m Alan Lombardo: stage 3 lymphoma. Pleased to meet you.

Mitch:
Mitch Barnett, metastatic prostate cancer.

Adam:
Oh, I’m Adam Lerner, schwannoma neurofibrosarcoma.

Alan:
Whoa, what the f*** is that?

Mitch:
Tough break. The more syllables, the worse it is.

Adam:
[after shaving his head] Why didn't we go to a barber?

Kyle:
That would have been a good idea -- if we had paid someone to do it.

Adam:
Instead of using your balls trimmer-

Kyle:
And I never wash them, ever. And it’s not my balls, it’s my a**hole....I’m joking...

Adam:
You're not joking.

Kyle:
Not at all.

Rachael:
Adam - you have no idea how hard it’s been! I don’t know how to do this, and it’s been so stressful, and you’ve been so sick, and sh*t, you’re the one who told me Kyle keeps using your cancer to get girls! Why should I be the bad guy?

Kyle:
Because you're his girlfriend, you cheated on him, and he has f***ing cancer, you lunatic!

Adam:
Okay... My mom is... I don't know. She's a crazy person. She just worries all day every day. And honestly, it annoys the sh*t out of me. It's way too much. And it's not helpful, and um, I can’t talk to her. I don't call her back. It's a problem.

Katherine:
So she's got this husband who can't talk to her, and this son who won't?

Adam:
Uh, yeah, I guess.

Katherine:
Makes you kind of a dick.

Adam:
Me? [laughs, obviously surprised by her directness] Is that, like, the medical term?

Katherine:
Yeah, I mean, listen... You can't change who your parents are. The only thing you can change is how you choose to deal with that.

Adam:
Aren’t you supposed to, like, subtly manipulate me into figuring this stuff out? Not just call me on my sh*t?

Katherine:
Yeah, you cleaned my car. So, uh, we are completely beyond that.

Adam:
I want this to be over. I’m so f***ing tired of being sick...if this surgery doesn’t work, that’s it -- [crying] I’ve never been to f***ing Canada or told a girl I love her...it sounds stupid.

Katherine:
No. It doesn’t.

Adam:
I’m sorry I was such an a**hole.

Katherine:
I was the a**hole. I was so totally unprepared - for you. This job is really hard. If I f*** up, I could ruin someone’s whole life.

Adam:
I guess we’re both beginners at this.

Katherine:
[smiles] Yeah.

Adam:
What were you doing when I called? Were you on Facebook?

Katherine:
You know... umm... stalking my ex-boyfriend actually isn't the only thing I do in my free time.

Adam:
I wish you were my girlfriend.

Katherine:
Girlfriends can be nice. You just had a bad one.

Adam:
Yeah, but I bet you’d be a good one.

Adam Lerner:
[to Katherine] I’m sorry, but, I’m going to have to call you on that. It’s bullshit. That’s what everyone has been saying. “You’ll get better” and “It’ll be fine”. I don’t know why everyone is so f***ing scared to say it. “You’re dying, dude”...It makes it worse.

Kyle Hirons:
[to Adam] You’ll be fine. 50/50! If you were a casino game you’d have the best odds!

Kyle Hirons:
[to Adam, the night before Adam's surgery] Driving! That’s what you want to do? That’s your “Make A Wish”? To drive? We could be having sex with hookers while skydiving, and instead you want to do something I learned to do when I was fifteen!