According to Jim

Cheryl:
[on Jim's behavior] He's brilliant. He's pretending to be a moron to cover up being a jackass.

Cheryl:
Jim, are you listening to yourself?

Jim:
Yes I am, Cheryl. I *am* a genius. I can talk and listen to myself at the same time!

Jim:
Do you want Cheryl to make you a sandwich?

Dana:
I don't think that'll help, Jim.

Jim:
[pause] Do you want to make *me* a sandwich...?

Dana:
[to Cheryl] You're cake angry. You didn't sound cake angry on the phone.

Dana:
[to Cheryl] If your gonna cry for anyone, cry for me. I'm the one who's gonna have to babysit a fourth kid for free one day.

Gracie:
Trophies are stupid and all the others are nerds. It's like being with 50 other Uncle Andys.

Andy:
[telling Jim that he's found the bird they didn't want to find] Jim! B-I-R-D A-T S-I-X O-'-C-L-O-C-K!

Jim:
[confused]... You want to have sex with a clock?

Dana:
[trying to distract their mother] Mom, I, uh... I kissed a girl in college!

Andy:
Uh... me too!

Maggie:
Andy, don't tell stories.

Jim:
Everyone, circumcise your watches!

Cheryl:
[Cheryl is desperate to talk Jim out of wanting something, and is trying to think of things to replace it] How about... sex with another woman?

Jim:
[brief pause] You or me?

Jim:
[under his breath] That's the great thing about you, honey... you remember every freakin' thing I say.

Jim:
You don't even know me any more! I think we should have more sex.

Cheryl:
Why?

Jim:
Why not?

Ruby:
Daddy, since Gracie won, can Kyle and I have popsicles?

Jim:
How does that work?

Ruby:
She's our sister, we're part of her posse.

Kyle:
I want a sponge bath, from a nurse.

Cheryl:
What?

Kyle:
Uncle Andy says there the best!

Jim:
I think sometimes Andy forgets that Kyle's in the back seat.

Dana:
[whilst dancing with Andy] Wow, Andy, it's like someone connected your legs to your brain.

Cheryl:
Jim, there's a lot of culture in this city. We should take advantage of it.

Jim:
What? I take you to the zoo.

Andy:
I once walked in on my grandparents doing it. I mean, Grandpa's in his 70's, but he was really putting Nana through her paces.

Gracie:
How do you knock someone up?

Cheryl:
Well, you know how you knock someone down. Well, it's the opposite of that.

Gracie:
[to Ruby] Hey, let's go knock Kyle up!

Dana:
I'm trying my best to stay neutral, like Switzerland

Cheryl:
You mean creepy Switzerland that hid nazi money?

Dana:
No, I mean fun Switzerland with the watches, and the chocolate

Jim:
OK, I stacked the cat in the freezer.

Jim:
Don't go throwing my words back at me. If I had wanted my advice I'd listen to myself when I talked.

Jim:
Dana, while Ryan is away I want you to move in with us.

Dana:
What's the catch? You gonna sell my baby?

Andy:
Hey Jim, Did you know there are almost 800,000 people living in Djibouti?

Jim:
Hey look at this, You know what Djibouti's leading export is?... Natural Gas.

Jim:
Alright, Alright, Alright, We know this is tough, we are just trying to lighten it up a little bit.

Dana:
Well don't, It's not funny. My husband's stuck in Djibouti and he can't get out.

[Jim and Andy crack up]

Dana:
Stop it. There is a civil war going on, Djibouti could be split right down the middle.

God:
I hereby grant you my powers to change all of womankind. Beginning now. [Snaps his fingers]

Jim:
That's it? That's your thing, you just snap?

God:
Just remember, you change one woman, you change them all. Forever.

Jim:
[laughs] Giant boobs on all of them!

Ruby:
[Ruby and Gracie come downstairs, with giant boobs. They get their school bags, and leave] Bye daddy!

Jim:
[Shocked] Do-over! I get a do-over!

Jim:
Well watch for these doctors are you showing off their diplomas. I mean it's like who I finished college who completed med school. Ok I really no good framer.

Cheryl:
He's the best fertility doctor in town, and I find it so much we share you. know what I find reassuring.

Jim:
I find reassuring Cheryl employees must wash here here.

Dr. Gibson:
Good Morning.

Cheryl:
Good Morning Doctor Gibson.

Jim:
The morning doctor I'm Jim.

Dr. Gibson:
Jim yelstin we met last time now it's just a

Jim:
Comedian recognize with my pants on.

Dr. Gibson:
I look at your test results.

Jim:
Yes.

Dr. Gibson:
And it's seems that your sperm count has increased.

Jim:
Yeah.

Cheryl:
He could take a look now because he stayed away from alcohol, and the hot tub just like he said.

Jim:
You give up but a whitish I'm writing commando right now.

Jim:
Alright I got some lemonade here for you, and now remember there's company here so no peeing in the brushes.

Kyle:
Oh man I thought this was a party.

Andy:
Hey, Hey.

Jim:
Hey do you know man with this barbecue drives me crazy. Look at Willie eating bean dip like it's his job.

Andy:
Okay take it easy breathe in smoke it always calms you down.

Willie:
Hey Jim were out of bean dip.

Jim:
I can't stand this party, and you know every year she has this barbecue. Every year I forget how much I hate them until I'm here doing this dam thing. I can't stand people, and she knows it.

Jim:
Im not going to sit here and watch you laugh

Dana:
Why because you got a boo-boo on your tushy?

Gracie:
Hi daddy, we're having a tea party, what kind of tea would you like?

Jim:
Um, beer?

Jim:
Cheryl, you made your bed, now lie in it.

Cheryl:
I make *all* the beds!

Kid:
You invented the fart?

Jim:
I re-invented it.

Dana:
Man, this thing is the Enron of fart companies.

Dana:
[wailing] Your husband broke my husband!