Alice's Restaurant

Arlo Guthrie:
Group W is where they putcha if you may not be moral enough to join the army after committin' your special crime. There was all kinds of mean, nasty ugly-lookin' people on the bench there. There was mother rapers... father stabbers... father rapers... Father rapers! Sittin' right there on the bench next to me!

Officer Obie:
Want your wallets and your belts. Put everything on the desk.

Arlo Guthrie:
I can understand you wanting our wallets, so we don't have any money to spend in the cell, but what do you want our belts for?

Officer Obie:
Kid, we don't want any hanging.

Arlo Guthrie:
[pause] Obie, do you think we're gonna hang ourselves for littering?

Arlo Guthrie:
Just what I've always wanted.

Alice Brock:
A restaurant?

Arlo Guthrie:
No, a friend with a restaurant.

Alice Brock:
Take off those handcuffs!

Officer Obie:
You're interfering in the performance of my duties.

Alice Brock:
You're a meathead - haven't you play-acted cop enough for one day?

Officer Obie:
This side is reserved for officers of the law and criminals.

Alice Brock:
Pig-eyed idiot!

Officer Obie:
Alice, I've had enough garbage for one day, yours and theirs.

Alice Brock:
Stupid bastard!

Officer Obie:
Alice...

Alice Brock:
Cradle hopper!

Officer Obie:
Alice!

Alice Brock:
Turkey raper!

Arlo Guthrie:
Obie, when do we get our bread and water?

Officer Obie:
Shut up, kid.

Arlo Guthrie:
Girdles feel funny.

Arlo Guthrie:
What funny smell? [covering up the weed box]

Arlo Guthrie:
[unable to fill his urine-sample jar, at his Army physical] Anybody got some to spare?

Criminal:
[approaching Arlo on the bench] Kid, what'd you get?

Arlo Guthrie:
I didn't get nothin'. I had to pay fifty dollars, and pick up the garbage.

Girl:
[as Arlo leads donkey into the church] You can ride him to Canada!

Boy:
[about to be drafted] Been wondering how to get my ass across the border.

“The good things in my life seem to be from not doing the things I don’t want to do.”