Are We There Yet?

[Kevin opens the car door into a pole, causing the yellow paint to stain on it]

Nick:
Aw, damn! Boy, didn't you hear what I just said?!

Lindsey:
(amazed) Ooh, you swore!

Nick:
You're damn right I swore! That's about $400 damage worth to my new car!

Lindsey:
That's twice. Now you have to put $2 in the Swear Jar.

Nick:
(to Kevin) Yeah, well, he's got to put about $400 in my pocket. You got $400 for me?!

Kevin:
No!

Nick:
And I want it cash!

[Kevin starts crying]

Kevin:
I have to pee.

Nick:
What?! No, no, no, you do not have to pee! Didn't you just go back at the train station?

Kevin:
I tried to go, but there was a man standing next to me, so it just went away.

Nick:
But look, man, all this open road. You can hold it, I know you can. Just cross your legs.

[Kevin does so]

Lindsey:
You should've asked him to go before we left.

Nick:
I did!

Lindsey:
No, you asked before we got on the train, not before we left the station. You're supposed to ask before every segment. Everyone knows that.

Nick:
Evidently not.

Kid:
Hey, mister, you got any Yu-Gi-Oh?

Nick:
What you think?

Kid:
Got any Dragon Ball GT?

Nick:
Look, you come in here every day, askin' the same questions. We ain't got no Pokémon, no Digimon, no Buffy, no SpongeBob, no Beanie Babies, [spots a kid about to steal a trading card, so Nick throws a football at him] and no shoplifters! Now, get! Both of y'all! Get!

Lindsey:
I knew you were lying. "Yeah, we're just friends." Yeah, right. You're just usin' us to suck up to our Mama.

Nick:
What?!

Kevin:
Yeah, you're just a dirty, horny sex-man like all the others. Nasty man, you're a nasty, bad man!

Nick:
Look, I tried to do your Mama a favor, you little booger!

Kevin:
You probably wanna kiss her, don't 'cha? [he makes a face on the window]

Nick:
Hey, off the glass! Off the glass! [to Lindsey] And you, open this door.

Lindsey:
You forgot the magic word.

Nick:
Open this damn door!

Kevin:
Ooh, you just swore again! Lindsey, he just swore again!

Nick:
So what? Hey, I'm not playin' with you.

Lindsey:
You can't make us do anything.

Nick:
Hey! This is my car! You hear me, little girl?! This is my car!

[Lindsey is getting ready to put the car into acceleration]

Nick:
Uh uh! You better not! Look at me, I'm serious! I'm not playin' with you, little girl, okay? Now, if you don't open that door before I count to three, somebody gonna get it.

Lindsey:
What was Mom thinking?

Kevin:
I don't know, I like him. He's kinda funny.

Lindsey:
Hey, don't get soft! This guy is not our daddy. He's the enemy.

Nick:
Quiet down, there. Have patience.

Kevin and Lindsey:
[make alarm blaring noises] Turn if off, Nick! Hurry! Hurry!

Nick:
All right, calm down.

Kevin:
I'm not gonna make it. Do you have a bottle?

Nick:
No!

Kevin:
How 'bout this ashtray?

Nick:
Kevin, there's no receptacle in this vehicle. Now, look, the exit's about a mile away, and you can hold it.

Kevin:
How far is a mile?

Nick:
I don't know, 5,000 and some kinda feet. Think about something else; football, a math test, uh, puberty.

Kevin:
Are we there yet?

Nick:
No!

Lindsey:
I'm sure the carpet's absorbent.

Kevin:
Here it comes!

Satchel:
For God sakes, man, he's gonna make his water in your car!

Nick:
No, he ain't. [speeds into truck stop] Incoming, incoming, incoming! Aaaah! Hold it, man.

Nick:
Oh, man! I never ever got to read the manual! [sees the car engulfing in flames; but the flames grow a little more violently] Hit the dirt!

[Nick and the kids leap away from the car, as it explodes and goes into flames]

Nick:
No! This is about a year's pay. What did I do... What did I do to deserve this!? Why is this happening to me?! [behind him, Kevin and Lindsey look at each other in worry and regret; Nick looks behind him, to Kevin and Lindsey] It was you two! If I didn't volunteer to babysit you two little demons on this road trip, this kind of thing would never happen, and I'd still have my car! [Kevin and Lindsey start crying] Go ahead and cry, I don't care.

Nick:
Here we go, here we go!

[Nick kicks open the dirty toilet hut door]

Kevin and Nick:
Ew!!

[Nick runs into ladies' room.]

Nick:
In here, in here, hold it, hold it.

[Kevin slams the toilet hut door]

Woman:
[freaks out] This is taken!

Nick:
I'm sorry!