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Dist. Atty. Harvey Dent:
We received a letter from Batman. 'Citizens of Gotham. Gotham City has earned a rest from crime. But should the forces of evil rise again to cast a shadow on the heart of the city, call me.'
Question. How do we call him?
Commissioner Jim Gordon:
He gave us a signal.
Mr. Joker, you make such beautiful things, ohh, you're so powerful, and PURPLE ohh I love purple.
Have you ever danced with the devil by the pale moon light?
I'm going to kill you!
You IDIOT! You made me. Remember, you dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try.
I know you did.
Joker here. Now you fellas have said some pretty mean things. Some of which were true, under that fiend Boss Grissom. He was a thief, and a terrorist. One the other hand he had a tremendous singing voice. He's dead now, and he's left me in charge. Now, I can be theatrical, and maybe even a little rough - but one thing I am not, is a KILLER. I am an artist. I LOVE a good party. So, truce. Commence au festival!
Miss Vale telephoned. She was rather concerned. Dare I suggest that your present course of action might only strengthen her resolve. She is quite tenacious.
You're right about that.
And if I may say so, quite special. Perhaps you could try telling her the truth.
[At a secret meeting in an alley, Jack Napier throws a bag to Lt. Max Eckhardt.]
Brought you a little snack, Eckhardt.
Lt. Max Eckhardt:
Why don't you broadcast it?
Shut up and listen. Harvey Dent's been sniffing around one of our front companies.
[Eckhardt opens the bag to find a wad of cash between two pieces of bread.]
Lt. Max Eckhardt:
That's my territory. If there's a problem, I deal with it.
Your problems are our problems.
Lt. Max Eckhardt:
I answer to Grissom, not to psychos.
Why Eckhardt, you ought to think about the future.
Lt. Max Eckhardt:
You mean when you run this show. You ain't got no future, Jack! You're an A-1 nut boy and Grissom knows it.
[Jack calmly pushes Eckhardt, who draws his gun on Napier but freezes when Napier's bodyguard Bob draws on him.]
Better be sure.
[Eckhardt lowers his gun.]
See? You can make a good decision when you try.
[He laughs and walks away with Bob, leaving Eckhardt alone in the alley.]
Lt. Max Eckhardt:
Where have you been spending your nights?
[Grissom, in his penthouse, reads a newspaper proclaiming Harvey Dent's plan to target organized crime in Gotham City.]
Say this son of a bitch makes a connection with us and with Axis Chemicals. What kind of damage are we looking at?
If he ties us in with Axis Chemical, we're dead and buried. We should move immediately.
[fiddling with a deck of playing cards] I say we break into the place, trash the office, make off with the records, and say it was industrial espionage.
Jack, smart thinking. That's the way to go. In fact, I'd like you to handle this operation personally.
[He draws a Joker from the deck and sees Alicia entering the penthouse.]
Hello, sweetheart! I wonder if - if you'd mind waiting in the next room.
[She does so, giving Napier a sultry look that Grissom spots.]
That's all, gentlemen, thank you, thank you, gentlemen, that's all.
[The other mobsters file out, leaving Grissom and Napier alone.]
Carl, uh, can we get somebody else to do this? The fumes in that place...
Jack...it's an important job. I need someone I can trust. You are my number-one guy. Now, don't forget... [sprays the deck into Napier's hat] ...your lucky deck.
[Napier leaves, still uneasy.]
[to himself, picking up telephone receiver] My friend, your luck is about to change. [dials number]
Get me Lieutenant Eckhardt.
[A back-alley surgeon has just finished trying to repair Jack Napier's face.]
Let's see how we did.
[He starts to remove the bandages, but Napier wakes up and pulls them off himself.]
[softly, horrified] Oh, my God...
[The surgeon hands Napier a mirror and he begins to chuckle at his reflection.]
You understand that the nerves were completely severed, Mr. Napier.
[Napier laughs madly and shatters the mirror.]
[showing his tools to Napier] You see what I have to work with here.
[Napier continues laughing as he pushes the surgeon out of his way, breaks the overhead light bulb, and leaves.]
[As Grissom pours himself a drink in his penthouse, Jack Napier/The Joker enters and stands in the shadows]
Carl Grissom. That you, sugar bumps? [turns around] Who the hell are you?
The Joker. It's me.... "sugar bumps".
Carl Grissom. [alarmed] Jack? Oh...oh, thank God you're alive! I heard you'd been--
The Joker. Fried? Is that what you heard? You set me up.... over a woman. A WOMAN! You must be insane.
[Grissom guzzles his drink and reaches for a gun, but Jack draws on him first.]
Carl Grissom. Your life won't be worth SPIT!
The Joker. I've been dead once already. It's very liberating. You should think of it as, uh, therapy.
Carl Grissom. Jack, listen. Maybe we can cut a deal.
The Joker. Jack? Jack is dead, my friend. [emerging into the light] You can call me...Joker. And as you can see, I'm a lot happier. [laughs maniacally while repeatedly shooting Grissom] Eh, what a day.
So, gentlemen, that's how it is. Until Grissom, uh.... [chuckles] .... resurfaces, I'm the acting President, and I say starting with this anniversary festival, we run this city into the ground.
Why don't we hear this from Grissom?
Yeah, and what's with that stupid grin?
Life's been good to me.
What if we say "no"?
[stands up and comes towards Rotelli] Well, Tony, nobody wants a war. And if we can't do business, why, we'll just shake hands, and that'll be it. [reaches out his hand for a shake]
[Joker grabs Rotelli's hand and starts electrocuting him via joy buzzer-esque device hidden in his palm]
[acts surprised, looking at other gangsters] Woo! Woo! [chuckles] I got a live one here! [laughs maniacally while Rotelli catches fire] Oh, there'll be hot time in the old town tonight!
[Joker continues to laugh maniacally and eventually releases Rotelli's body, which - now reduced to a blackened, smoldering skeleton - falls back into the chair; at this moment, Joker's goons enter the room and surround the mob leaders, holding them at a gunpoint]
[laughs] Antoine got a little hot under the collar!
Have you not heard of the healing power of laughter? [laughs again and starts erasing his make-up, revealing white skin underneath] NOW, GET OUTTA HERE!!!! [Joker's goons force the gangsters out of the room] And think it over. [laughs again]
We have witnesses. Grissom's signature is perfectly legitimate.
It is legitimate! I saw it. I was there. I saw it all. He reached up with his dead hand and signed it in his own blood. And he did it with this pen. [pulls out a poison quill pen] Hello, Vinnie. It's your Uncle Bingo. Time to pay the check. [throws quill pen at Vinnie, hitting him in the neck and killing him instantly] The pen.... is truly mightier than the sword!
[Action News, Peter and a new anchorwoman are without beauty products.]
Six new deaths with no clues on the Joker's deadly weapon.
And what is the pattern? Food? Alcohol? Or Beauty or hygiene products? Cologne? Mouthwash? Underarm deodorant?
Or worse yet, there may be no pattern. The search goes on through Gotham's shopping nightmare.
[Joker and Bob are watching the latest news report]
Avoid the following combinations: deodorant with baby powder, hairspray, and lipstick. Safe products are flying in as Gotham City goes on a forced fast and all of Gotham is wondering what to make of Batman: Friend or Foe?
I have given a name to my pain and it is Batman.
[He shoots the TV set and gives the gun to Bob]
Must possess strength to inflict pain, Bob. We've got a flying mouse to kill and I want to clean my claws.
Excuse me. You ever danced with the devil in the pale moonlight? [punches Joker and knocks him against a bell, before grabbing him] I'm going to kill you.
You... IDIOT!!! You made me, remember? You dropped me into that vat of chemicals. That wasn't easy to get over, and don't think that I didn't try!
[smirks] I know you did.
[Batman punches Joker in the stomach and knocks him through a wall. He grabs him and helps him up only to punch him in the face again. Joker stands up, muttering and clutching his mouth until he spits out a chattering teeth toy. He retaliates by punching Batman in the stomach, only to break his fingers on the body armor]
You killed my parents.
What? [spits blood on the floor] What are you talking about?
I made you; you made me first.
Hey, bat-brain, I was a kid when I killed your parents! I mean, c'mon, gimme a break, huh? I say that I made you, you've gotta say that you made me. How childish can you get? [puts on a pair of glasses] You wouldn't hit a guy with glasses, would you? Huh?!
[Batman knocks the Joker over the side]