Beetlejuice

Delia:
I can't believe we're eating Cantonese. Is there no Szechuan up here?

Lydia:
I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.

Delia:
This is our first meal in this house, so why don't we all do our little private parts to make it a pleasant one?

Charles:
Don't bait your mother, Pumpkin. As soon as we get settled, we'll build you a darkroom in the basement.

Lydia:
My whole life is a darkroom. One. Big. Dark. Room.

Delia:
So you were miserable in the city, and now you're going to be miserable out here in the sticks. At least someone's life hasn't been upheaved.

Lydia:
[On the new house] Delia hates it. [sees a huge spider on a web] I could live here.

Charles:
Pumpkin, sweetheart... [kisses her and forces her out his study room] Go help your mother.

Lydia:
Maybe you can relax in a haunted house, but I can't.

Juno:
What's wrong?

Barbara:
We're very unhappy.

Juno:
What did you expect? You're dead.

Lydia:
Are you the guys hiding out in the attic?

Adam:
We're ghosts!

Lydia:
What do you look like under there?

Adam:
Aren't you scared?

Lydia:
I'm not scared of sheets. Are you gross under there? Are you Night of the Living Dead under there? Like all bloody veins and pus?

Adam:
Night of the what?

Lydia:
Living Dead. It's a movie.

Barbara:
You know, if I had seen a ghost at your age I would have been scared out of my wits.

Adam:
You can see us without the sheets?

Lydia:
Of course I can see you.

Adam:
Well, how is it you see us and nobody else can?

Lydia:
Well, I've read through that handbook for the recently deceased. It says: 'live people ignore the strange and unusual. I, myself, am strange and unusual.

Barbara:
You look like a regular girl to me.

Adam:
You've read our book?

Lydia:
Yeah.

Adam:
You can follow it?

Lydia:
Yeah. Why were you guys creeping around in Delia's bedroom?

Adam:
We were trying to scare your mother.

Lydia:
Stepmother. Anyway, you can't scare her. She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

Adam:
For instance, uh, what are your qualifications?

Beetlejuice:
[refined voice] Ah, well... I attended Juilliard... I'm a graduate of the Harvard Business School. I travel quite extensively. I lived through the Black Plague and had a pretty good time during that. [getting progressively more demented] I've seen The Exorcist about 167 TIMES, AND IT KEEPS GETTING FUNNIER EVERY SINGLE TIME I SEE IT! NOT TO MENTION THE FACT THAT YOU'RE TALKING TO A DEAD GUY! [screams] NOW WHAT DO YOU THINK?! [quietly] You think I'm qualified?

Adam:
Uh, what I meant is, can you be scary?

Beetlejuice:
Oh! I didn't know you were asking me. Can I be scary? [does a jerk-off gesture] What do ya think of this?

(shows a hideous face to the Maitlands that only shows several tentacles from the sides to audience; both Adam and Barbara scream)

Beetlejuice:
[back to normal] You like it?

Dumb Football Player #1:
Coach? Coach, where's the men's room?

Juno:
I'm not your coach! He survived.

Dumb Football Player #2:
Wait, Coach. Let me get something straight. What's our curfew around here?

Juno:
Will you get out of here?!? Go on, get downstairs! "Men's room" - are you kidding? Can't you read signs?

[they come back into the office later]

Dumbest Football Player:
Coach?

Juno:
What?

Dumbest Football Player:
I don't think we survived that crash.

Juno:
How did you guess?

Lydia:
They don't wanna come down.

Delia:
Charles...

Otho:
Why not?

Lydia:
I think the reason is, is that they were trying to scare you away, and you didn't get scared.

Delia:
Please, they're dead. It's a little late to be neurotic.

Lydia:
Mr. and Mrs. Maitland? Hello? Where are you?

Beetlejuice:
Dead. Dead, dead, deadski.

Lydia:
Of course they're dead. They're ghosts.

Beetlejuice:
No, I mean they're gone, split, out of here, afterlife kids, deceased-ahh.

Lydia:
Are you a ghost too?

Beetlejuice:
I'm a ghost with the most, babe. [Gets up from his lounge chair] Y'know, you look like somebody I can relate to. Maybe you could help me get out of here, you know, 'cause I gotta tell you: this dead thing is- [Picks up and eats a beetle from the ground] -it's just too creepy. See, here's my problem; I got these friends on the outside I said I'd meet, y'know, and but it's the kind of thing I have to be there in person, y'know, so I was just wondering could you help me get out of here?

Lydia:
[Sighing sadly] I want to get in.

Beetlejuice:
[Confused] ...why?

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
[reading obituary] Ooh-la-la, what have we got here? The Maitlands. [laughs] Cute couple. Look nice and stupid, too! [more laughing]

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
Let's turn on the juice and see what shakes loose.[1]

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
Hey, these aren't my rules! Come to think of it, I don't have any rules!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
I'm the ghost with the most, babe.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
YOU BUNCHA LOSERS!!! YOU'RE WORKING WITH A PROFESSIONAL HERE!!! (kicks over a tree; quietly observes it for a moment) NICE F***ING MODEL!!!! (grabs his crotch and squeezes it twice with a bike horn sound)

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
Attention, K-Mart shoppers!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
Thank you. Thank you. that, is why I won't do two shows a night anymore babe, I won't.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
Well... what do we got here tonight, kids? [Sees the Maitlands] Oooo, well, we got the, uh, Maitlands. Uh, I think, uh, they've had enough "exorcise" for tonight. [Mimes a golf swing and the Maitlands fall onto the floor]

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
[To Otho] Not so fast, round boy. We're gonna have some laughs! [Kisses Otho on the cheek and laughs]

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
We come for your daughter, Chuck.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
Nobody says the "B" word.

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
It's showtime!

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
[After his head spins] Don't you hate it when that happens?

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
I'll eat anything you want me to eat, I'll swallow anything you want me to swallow, so come on down and I'll... chew on a dog! (howls)

Betelgeuse/"Beetlejuice":
[talking to a witch doctor] Did you do that? Very good work. Let me ask you, how do you get them down so small? Hey look, there goes Elvis, yo king! [witch doctor looks away, Beetlejuice switches his ticket with witch doctor's] Well, guess I am next. I have an appointment with GQ in half an hour. They have been trying to get me for weeks. Some underwear thing or something. [annoyed with having his ticket stolen, witch doctor sprinkles shrinking powder on Beetlejuice}] Hey, what is going on here? [Beetlejuice's head gets smaller and voice becomes increasing higher] Hey, stop it, WHOA! [Beetlejuice is now with a tiny head and voice that is two octaves higher than before] Hey, this might be a good look for me!

Lydia Deetz:
[About her stepmother, Delia] She's sleeping with Prince Valium tonight.

Lydia Deetz:
My whole life is a darkroom. [Slowly, for effect] One. Big. Dark. Room.

Lydia Deetz:
I plan to have a stroke from the amount of MSG that's in this food.

Lydia Deetz:
[realizing that Adam and Barbara are ghosts] The funeral. God. You guys really are dead.

Delia Deetz:
[To Charles] I'm here with you. I will live with you in this hellhole, but I must express myself. If you don't let me gut out this house and make it my own, I will GO INSANE AND I WILL TAKE YOU WITH ME!!!

Otho Fenlock:
Don't mind her. She's still upset that someone dropped a house on her sister.