Burke and Hare

William Burke:
She is an actress, not a whore.

William Hare:
What's the difference?

William Hare:
I thought life round here was supposed to be cheap.

Fergus:
It is. But the price rockets once you're dead.

William Burke:
Six years in the Donegal Militia I don't get a scratch. Three hours as a grave robber I get shot in the arse.

William Burke:
I had confidence in a fart once, and I shat all over myself.

Hangman:
[after Burke's execution] I know he seemed like a nice guy and all that, and I suppose you have to respect the fact that he made the ultimate sacrifice for love, but he did kill all those people just for money. And that's just evil. [the Hangman is given a sack of coins as payment for the execution] Thank you.

Doctor Monro:
And your new students, are they enjoying your lectures?

Doctor Robert Knox:
Er, not as much as I understand they're enjoying your wife,sir.

Old Joseph:
I remember. Old Nosey was there himself. He says, "Stand up, guards. Now, Maitland, now's your time." And over we go, fightin', fightin' the Frogs. Did I ever tell you about the time...

[coughs wetly]

Old Joseph:
the time...

[coughs]

Old Joseph:
I saw the man, the wee man himself, Napoleon? Aye, it were a treat.

[laughs]

Old Joseph:
And that idiotic hat.

Doctor Robert Knox:
That's the third rotter I've had from McTavish and his gang of grave robbers in the last three weeks. [sighs] I can't go on like this.

Patterson:
Is there anything I can do Doctor?

Doctor Robert Knox:
You could start praying, Patterson, for the one thing that could save us.

Patterson:
And what's that sir?

Doctor Robert Knox:
An enormous and awful calamity right here in Edinburgh. An accident or a - or a natural disaster. Something which generates the large numbers of cadavers I need for my work.

Patterson:
Wouldn't that be nice sir?

McMartin's Doorman:
I'll not explain myself again. Mr. Wordsworth is already in the club.

William Wordsworth:
That cannot be, I am he, newly returned from my tour of the continent.

Samuel Coleridge:
And I am Samuel Coleridge.

McMartin's Doorman:
Aye. And I'm Robbie f***in' Burns! Now piss off, the both ofyouse!

Patterson:
I'm sorry to disturb you Doctor but there are two men outside to see you. They appear to have a herring barrel with them.

Doctor Robert Knox:
I have no taste for herring Patterson. Send them away.

Patterson:
I believe there's something else in the herring barrel Doctor.

Doctor Monro:
[after blood spurts from a corpse onto a horrified onlooker] That... would be an artery.

Doctor Robert Knox:
This man's untimely and premature death was, as should be fairly obvious to all of you, the direct result of gluttony! [wobbles the corpses stomach ]

William Hare:
[to the unconscious Joseph] Are ye alright Joseph?

Old Joseph:
[suddenly waking] Do I look alright you bleeding Irish bastard?

Lucky:
[taking a swig of beer] Forgive me father, I know not what I do.

McMartin's Doorman:
You're not coming in wearing those.

Nicephore:
[looks at his shoes] But they are French.

McMartin's Doorman:
Exactly. So sling your hook.

Nicephore:
Pardon?

McMartin's Doorman:
Sling your hook.

Nicephore:
Hooook?

McMartin's Doorman:
Your hook, sling it.

Lord Harrington:
Whomsoever he determines has made the greatest advances in the field of medicine will be awarded the Royal Seal, and a handsome monetary reward.

Doctors:
[in unison] Mmmm!

Ginny Hawkins:
I played Agnes in Moliere's "School for Wives" at the Garrick Theatre in London... then times got tough and I branched out into... physical theatre.

William Burke:
Ah, like acrobatics?

Ginny Hawkins:
...Sometimes.