Comedy Central Roast of Jeff Foxworthy

Nick DiPaolo:
Psychologists have proven that when you play Jeff's humor to a baby when it's in the womb, it'll eventually be wearing a hockey helmet and shitting its pants at forty.

Jeff Foxworthy:
Lisa Lampinelli. I'm not gay, but if I were, you'd be the reason why.

Bill Engvall:
If you've shot everything but a successful tv show, you might be Jeff Foxworthy.

Nick DiPaolo:
[on Colin Quinn] This guy's been canceled more times than Mary-Kate Olsen dinner reservations!

Lisa Lampanelli:
[on Nick DiPaolo] Nick is the most unlikeable guy on the planet. Women would rather go Christmas fishing with Scott Peterson than hang out with Nick DiPaolo!

Ron White:
[introducing Greg Giraldo] Our next roaster needs no introduction because nobody cares who he is.

Bill Engvall:
[about The Jeff Foxworthy Show] Near the end, he wanted me to be on the show. Yeah, that's like being the fifth pallbearer for a four handle casket.