Crazy, Stupid, Love.

Jacob:
I'm going to help you rediscover your manhood. Do you have any idea where you could have lost it?

Jacob:
The skin under your eyes is starting to look like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

Cal:
[Carefully looks at himself on mirror and sighs... ] Yes, it is.

Hannah:
I'm here to bang the hot guy who hit on me at the bar.

Jacob:
Jacob.

Hannah:
Jacob! Sorry, Jacob...

Jacob:
Do people still say "bang"?

Hannah:
I do. And we're gonna bang!

Jacob:
I'm wildly unhappy, and I'm trying to buy it, and it's not working.

Jacob:
The bags under your eyes looks like Hugh Hefner's ball sack.

Cal:
I have purchased a firearm.

Jacob:
I don't know whether to help you or euthanize you.

Cal:
How about we say what we want on three? One, two, three.

Emily:
I want a divorce.

Cal:
[at the same time] Creme brulee.

Jessica:
Whoa!

Jessica:
I'm sorry, I should have knocked first.

Robbie:
The thing is, I have a picture of you. I think about you while I'm doing it.

Robbie:
You wanna talk about The Scarlet Letter, Ms. Tafferty? All right. Well, the A they're both wearing - I think it stands for "a**hole." Wanna know why? Because they fell in love and love is for stupid a**holes. And this book is just about a bunch of a**holes who fell in love, like a**holes, then had to die, like a**holes. I'm sorry about all the "a**holes."

Robbie:
[in a text to Jessica] Demi Moore is 15 years older than Ashton Kutcher. They seem happy together.

Robbie:
If you love her, then go get her back.

Cal:
Wow, how old are you?

Jacob:
The war between the sexes is over. We won the second women started doing pole dancing for exercise.

Kate:
What do you want to do with me?

Cal:
I want to show you off to my ex-wife and make her really jealous!

Cal:
Who told you that Emily and I are getting divorced?

Cal's Boss:
Amy heard you crying in the bathroom - we all thought it was cancer.

Cal:
Oh...

Cal's Boss:
Thank God, man... *laughing*

Cal:
Yeah, just my relationship...

Emily:
When I told you when I had to work late? I really went to go see the new Twilight movie by myself, and it was so bad.

Cal:
I'm so mad at you. I'm really mad at you for what you did. But I'm mad at myself too. Because I should not have jumped out of that car - I should have fought for you. Because you fight for your soul mates.

Emily:
I miss you.

Liz:
Your life is so PG-13.

Jacob:
Let's talk about how many women you've been with.

Cal:
Sexually?

Jacob:
Yeah, no. I mean break-dance fighting.

Cal:
I will never stop trying. Because when you find the one... you never give up.

Bernie Riley:
Claire said I can't be friends with you anymore.

Cal:
What?

Bernie Riley:
She said we had to choose between you and Emily. I chose you. But she said no.

Jacob:
Are you the billionaire owner of Apple Computers?

Cal:
No.

Jacob:
Oh, ok. In that case, you've got no right to wear New Balance sneakers, ever.

Hannah:
[after kissing him passionately] Do you remember me?

Jacob:
[fazed by the kiss] Yeah.

Hannah:
Do you still find me attractive?

Jacob:
Yes.

Hannah:
Do you still want to take me home?

Jacob:
Yeah.

Hannah:
Let's go.

Hannah:
Will you take off your shirt... f***! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped!

Kate:
As you know Robbie's shining moment this year was when he set a school record for cursing in an eighth grade English class. [gets up and writes on blackboard] A**hole. You're familiar with that word, Mrs Weaver?

Emily:
Yes, I am and I've spoken to the Principal...

Kate:
A**hole. As in someone who tells a woman he'll call and never does. A**hole. As in someone who uses honesty to get a woman into bed with him but is actually full of sh*t, like the rest of them.

Emily:
[looking at Cal] This is not about Robbie...

Kate:
A**hole. Someone who allows a woman to go downtown for 45 minutes because he's nervous!

Emily:
Ewww!

Jacob:
Who looks like a carrot?

Cal:
[standing in the rain after Emily argues with him] What a clich?.

Kate:
I'm five years sober a**hole!

Kate:
Tell her she's the perfect combination of sexy and cute, a**hole!

Jessica:
I don't want your slutty money!

Cal:
Are you pointing at me?

Robbie:
You're pointing at him?

Emily:
She's pointing at him? OH!

Cal:
I have loved her even when I hated her... only married couples'll understand that one...

Cal:
[Jacob is standing naked in the men's locker room, legs spread apart] Cal: Would you put on some clothes please?

Jacob:
Jacob: Oh, I'm sorry. Is this bothering you?

Cal:
Cal [annoyed] No! It's not!

Jacob:
Jacob: Cal, my schwantz is in your face for twenty minutes. If it's not bothering you, we've got a bigger problem.

Cal:
Cal: Okay. It bothers me.

Jacob:
Jacob: I don't care.

Hannah:
Take off your shirt.

Jacob:
Why?

Hannah:
Please can you take off your shirt, 'cause I can't stop thinking, and then you just...

Jacob:
Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Hannah:
Alright, okay, okay, okay.

Jacob:
[removing his shirt] Okay, okay, okay.

Hannah:
F***! Seriously? It's like you're Photoshopped. Can I...? [walks forward and touches Jacob's abs]

Jacob:
Ahh! You have cold hands. Now you take off your dress.

Hannah:
No.

Jacob:
Yes.

Hannah:
No way. Not with all of that going on. No, thank you. Is there dim lighting somewhere?