Despicable Me 3

Bratt :
You know what, Clive? Playing a villain on TV was fun, but being one in real life is even better! Heist music!

Clive:
Here it comes! [inserts a tape into the boat's radio, which plays Berlin's "Take My Breath Away"]

Bratt:
D'oh! What?! Clive, what are you doing?! How is that heist music?!

Clive:
Sorry! My bad! [ejects the tape, flips it over, then inserts it back, now playing Michael Jackson's "Bad"]

AVL Tech:
Sir, the ship has been boarded by some kind of... monster!

Silas:
Wait, that’s not a monster. [zooms in on the boat, revealing Bratt] That’s a man wearing shoulder pads! There’s only one supervillain whose fashion sense is quite that dated, Balthazar Bratt. Blast it, the Dupont Diamond is on that ship! I want every agent in the area on the scene immediately!

Lucy:
We're already here! Agents Grucy are closing fast!

Gru:
Yes! Wait, what? What did you call us?

Lucy:
Grucy! Y'know, "Gru" and "Lucy" smooshed together. Try it.

Gru:
I like it but not a lot.... I don't like it.

Bratt:
Hello, Gru! How's your transition coming? Y'know, from world's worst villain to world's worst agent? [aims a gun at Gru]

Gru:
Oh, that's hilarious! You should be on TV! [smacks the gun off Bratt's hand] Oh, that's right! You were! [pulls out his freeze ray] But then you got cancelled!

Bratt:
[smacks the freeze ray off Gru's hand and pulls out a larger gun] HA HA!!

Gru:
[smacks the gun away and then pulls out a small water pistol] Oh-ho! What about that?! Wha? Oh! Girls! [throws to water pistol at Bratt's head]

Bratt:
Gru! Did you actually think I was unconscious?

Gru:
What?

Bratt:
It's called acting, hoser. And clearly, I've still got it! [plays the intro to Van Halen's "Jump" on his sonic keytar, blowing Gru off of the ship] I've been a bad boy! (cackles)

Silas:
Thank you for coming in such short notice. It is with great sadness that I must inform that as of today, I am retiring as head of the AVL.

[all the agents gasp in shock]

Lucy:
Oh, no!

Silas:
Your new leader is coming directly from head office, effective immediately. She is the very gifted… [under his breath] ...The very ambitious, Miss Valerie Da Vinci. As I look out over all your faces, I am fluttered with so many memories.

Valerie Da Vinci:
Oh, boy, this is a snooze fest! Blah, blah, blah, we understand, you're old, look, you're fat, you're done.

Silas:
Ooh! [grunts] Let me breathe in! [gets shoved into the ejection hole]

Valerie Da Vinci:
Whew, broke a little sweat there. [chuckles]

[the Minions are cheering because they want to go back to villainy]

Gru:
Guys! Shh, shh, shh, shh! I don't think you heard me right! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! This does not mean that we're going back to being villains!

Minions:
Awww...

Stuart:
Pinyoof la komiko!

Gru:
Okay, alright, I get it. Look, I know it's been a little tough lately, especially with Dr. Nefario accidentally freezing himself in carbonite.

[we see Dr. Nefario completely frozen while three Minions try to break him out]

Gru:
But our life of crime is over! Ugh. Mel! Mel, you're with me on this, right?

Mel:
Ugh! Looka! [starts a slideshow] Bueno!

[the slide is Gru riding a tank while carrying enormous sacks of money with a happy face]

Minions:
YEEEAAAAAHHH!!

Mel:
Pinyoof!

[the slide changes to Gru riding a lawnmower with a bored face]

Minions:
BOOOOOOOOO!!

Mel:
Bueno!

[the slide changes to Gru avoiding infrared lights while stealing a golden artifact]

Minions:
YEEEAAAAAHHH!!

Mel:
Pinyoof!

[the slide changes to Gru picking up Kyle's poop with a disgusted look on his face]

Minions:
OOOOOOOOOOHHHHHH!!

Mel:
Bueno!

[the slide changes to Gru about to detonate a load of dynamite with a gleeful look on his face]

Minions:
YEEEEEAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!

Mel:
Pinyoof!

[the slide changes to Gru unclogging a toilet with a plunger and a disgusted face]

Minions:
BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

Mel:
MINIONS, NO LE PINYOOF! [the Minions all rouse up] Pinyoof, pinyoof, pinyoof!

Gru:
Guys, listen to me! Read my lips! Leso me lipo! Pomo doro la comquit!

[the Minions laugh]

Gru:
What? What did I say? [pulls out a Minions language book] It's not "comquit"? Ah, okay. Pomo doro la kumquat!

Mel:
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Pulisso kumquit parado. Lury para yo.

Gru:
Don't take that tone with me! We're not going back to villainy!

Mel:
Uh? No pirany?

Gru:
Yes! And I don't want to hear another word about it!

[the Minions all blow raspberries at Gru]

Gru:
Look! If you guys don't stop right now, there will be consequences!

Mel:
Eh? Poro es me moro!

Gru:
Hey, don't say anything you're going to regret!

Mel:
Ooh, no re paros! El es quita! Choperu! [he and the other Minions leave]

Gru:
What, you quit?! You're serious? Come on!

[Bob angrily stomps on Mel's Gru hat and leaves with all the Minions... except for Dave and Jerry, who just walked into the room, unaware of what just happened]

Gru:
Dave, Jerry! Good news, guys! You've just been promoted! You're in charge now! Huh? Not bad?!

Dave and Jerry:
[whoop excitingly as they tear off their Hawaiian costumes and begin rubbing their butts together] ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA, ROOBA!

Gru:
Oh.. GEESH!

Gru:
[runs over to Agnes after she sells the fluffy unicorn] Agnes, what are you doing? You... you sold your unicorn?

Agnes:
Well, I just wanted to help since you don't have a job. I got 2 whole dollars for it!

Dave and Jerry:
Aww...

Gru:
You never told me I had a brother and you told me Dad died of disappointment when I was born.

Marlena:
Yeah. That was the agreement.

Gru:
"Agreement"? What are you talking about? (Mom… what really happened? Why didn't tell me?)

Marlena:
[sighs] (I don't know how you found out… but I guess you deserve the truth.) Shortly after you and your brother were born, your father and I divorced. We each took 1 son to raise on our own and promised never to see each other again. Obviously, I got second pick.

Gru:
[to himself] I have a brother…

Dru:
[notices Lucy and dances with her] You must be the beautiful wife.

Lucy:
Beautiful? Oh!

[Dru twirls her around and catches her]

Lucy:
[laughs] Stop it! [tugs Dru's scarf] Sweet talker.

Dru:
[then wraps his arm around Gru, with the other still holding Lucy] How is my brother finding a wife like you when he is so bald? [rubs Gru's head] I'm joking!

Dru:
So, brother, how are things going for you career-wise?

Gru:
[laughs nervously] Great. So, so great... crushing it...

[Edith and Agnes are at the Tipsy Unicorn tavern. Agnes discovers a real unicorn's horn]

Scar-Faced Man:
I'm telling you I saw one once. With my own EYE! "[On 'eye', he bends down toward Agnes' face]

Agnes:
[waving her arms to halt the man] Wait, wait, wait. You saw a for-real live UNICORN?! What did it look like? What do you think?[gasps] Did you pet it? Did it smell like candy? Was it… FLUFFYYYYYYY????!!!!?

Scar-Faced Man:
It was so fluffy, I though I was going to die!

Lucy:
So... what did you guys do today?

Gru and Dru:
[lying] Nothing!

Margo:
Um...

Lucy:
What?

Margo:
It's okay to tell them "no" sometimes, too. You know? Moms need to be tough.

Lucy:
Right. Tough. I can totally do that! Still figuring out this mom thing. [imitates a pirate captain] Getting my sea legs, matey.

Margo:
My mom and dad.

[Dru's doorbell rings. Lucy answers it]

Lucy:
Hello? [sees Niko] Oh, hi.

Niko:
Hello, mother of Margo. I am Niko. I present you with pig to confirm my engagement to your daughter.

[The pig squeals]

Lucy:
[laughs] Hey, what now?

Margo:
What's going on? Go on.

Lucy:
Uh, remember Little Boots?

Niko:
Hello, my schmoopsie-poo. [tries to kiss Margo]

Margo:
Whoa! Hey!

Lucy:
He seems to think you're engaged. [laughs]

Margo:
What? [as Niko kisses her hand] We're not engaged.

[Lucy hears a knock at the door]

Lucy:
Ugh, here we go. Niko... [gasps]

[Niko is standing next to an angry woman carrying a baby. It is his mother]

Niko's mother:
You... refuse my son's engagement pig?!

Lucy:
What?

Niko's mother:
May you and your daughter die a slow death and be buried with onions!

[She spits at Margo. The baby also spits. Margo gasps in fright and hides behind Lucy, holding her hand. Lucy gets angry]

Lucy:
All right, lady, that's it! Nobody... nobody curses my daughter! You got that?

[Margo is surprised by how Lucy is defending her]

Lucy:
Because if you mess with Margo, you mess with me, and I promise you do not want to mess with me! Do you understand me?

Margo:
It's okay.

Niko's mother:
Yes, yes.

Lucy:
[calmly] Good. Now... [angrily] Get!

[Niko's mother takes her son's hand and they hurry off. Lucy then turns to Margo, thinking she's still upset with her]

Lucy:
Look, Margo, I think we just need to–

[Margo hugs her tightly. Lucy is startled at first, but hugs her too]

[After returning to the lair from stealing the Dumont Diamond from Bratt, Dru learns of Gru's true motives for said heist, and he is not happy]

Lucy:
I'll get the girls and start packing and tell them the good news! Oh, getting out jobs back! Yeah! [leaves]

Gru:
Yes, yes, go tell the girls. [Gru turns to Dru, who is still scowling and sulking] Dru…

Dru:
No, no way! We can't give the diamond back! [tries to yank it out of Gru's hands]

Gru:
I have to!

Dru:
No, you don't!

Gru:
Yes, I do!

Dru:
Give it!

Gru:
[swipes the diamond out of Dru's grasp] No!

Dru:
GIVE IT! [kicks Gru in the shin]

Gru:
Ow! What is wrong with you?!

Dru:
What is wrong with you?!

Gru:
You kicked me!

Dru:
You… You lied to me!

Gru:
Hey, I would've told you the truth. But you're too much of a wimp to handle it! That's it, I'm outta here.

Dru:
You have no right to take that! We stole it together!

Gru:
Together? [scoffs] You gotta be kidding me! You did nothing but screw up the whole time! I got this in spite of you!

Dru:
Oh, yeah?! Well, at least I didn't get fired from my job like a total loser!

Gru:
At least I had a job! What have you accomplished that was so great? I'll tell you what: NOTHING! No wonder Dad thought you were such a failure. [Dru gasps in shock as Gru begins to leave]

Dru:
WE ARE NO LONGER BROTHERS!

Gru:
THAT'S FINE WITH ME! [leaves]

[Dru growls in anger, and then feels hurt and heartbreak]

"Lucy":
Whoo-hoo! [scatting] Whoo! I will take this. [takes the diamond on Gru’s hand] You've been a bad boy, Gru [slaps on Gru’s face] Can you get the rest of the suitcases? Come on! Girls. Let's go! [singing] Let's get physical, physical… [The girls are packing the suitcases to going home and Gru leaves]

[Outside "Lucy" and the girls are going inside the Plane]

"Lucy":
[continues singing insistinctly] Change of plans, girls. [straining] Instead of going home... Eyebrows! Ow! [grunts; Lucy pulls of her face, revealing to actually be Bratt in disguise!]

Bratt:
We're going to HOLLYWOOD! [laughs evilly; the girls gasp in horror] Now, that is what I call acting. [cackling] Let's go, Clive! We've got a giant robot waiting! [Clive laughs]

[At the mansion, Gru is about to leave out the door when suddenly he hears banging from the closet]

Gru:
Huh? [opens the closet door and gasps] Lucy? [finds the real Lucy bound and gagged in the closet, removes her gag] But...

Lucy:
Bratt! He took the girls!

Gru :
What?! No! [Gru watches in horror as the jet flies off]

[Gru and Lucy rush into Dru's room where Dru is drowning his misery in ice cream after his argument with Gru]

Gru:
Dru! Dru!

Dru:
[turns his back on Gru] Go away! I don't wanna talk to you.

Gru:
Bratt has the girls!

[Dru gasps in shock; Cut to Gru, Dru and Lucy flying on their hovercraft]

Gru:
Listen, brother, about-about what I said, I–

Dru:
No, I'm the one.

Gru:
I shouldn't have... I'm... I'm sorry.

Dru:
I'm so sorry, Gru.

Bratt:
[chortling] Hello, Hollywood! [on speaker] I am back and bigger than ever.

Agnes:
[screaming] I'm scared! Oh my.

Celebrity:
Thank you. Thank you so... Oh!

[All screaming]

Celebrity:
No! No! No, you can’t leave me here! I’m famous!

Bratt:
[chortles] Clive, arm the canons. Chew on this!

[Shrieking]

Bratt:
[chortling]

[All shrieking]

[Pants and Shrieks]

[screams]

Edith:
Hey, mullet head! Let us out!

Bratt:
Oh, don't worry, girls. I’ve prepared a front row seat for you.

[All gasping and shrieking]

[Agnes shrieks]

Margo:
Agnes!

Bratt:
Once again, I win and Gru loses! Enjoy the show, girls.

[All gasp]

Gru:
What in the heck?

Lucy:
Oh! I hope the girls are okay.

Dru:
Bratt! Bratt at 9:00... No! 3:00! He's on the left! [gasps] No! I’ve seen this episode! He’s going to bubblegum the whole city and send it up into space!

Lucy:
[gasps] Hurry!

Dru:
[gasps]

[after Dru disabled the robot, Gru, regaining consciousness, searches for Dru, only to be confronted by a furious Bratt]

Bratt:
You've ruined everything! And now it's time to die! Any last words, Gru?

Gru:
You know what? I got two words for you. Dance fight! [starts dancing]

Bratt:
Oh, it is on like Donkey Kong! I'm gonna enjoy this! [he and Gru dance fight]

Bratt:
GAME OVER! [laughs evilly as he searches for his keytar only to find it missing] Huh?

Gru:
[holding the keytar] Is this what you're looking for?

Bratt:
NO! [Bratt gets blasted away by Gru into the bubble gum, similar to Bratt blasting away Gru in the beginning, this time playing Dire Straits' Money for Nothing] NOOOOOO! CURSE YOU, GRU! Ow! Curse you!

[last lines]

Gru:
No, no! You gotta be kidding me!

Gru:
There's always a blind choad.

Gru:
What, twin brother?

Gru:
[about Bratt] Time to blast him back to the 80's!

Gru:
No! Kyle, stop! Kyle let go!

Dru:
Face it, Gru. Villainy is in your blood!

Dru:
["hugging" Gru while jumping up and down] Oh, I love this guy! Look at him! But hair would make you better. [lightly punches Gru all over as Gru tries to stop him] Look at his face! Oh, he's so mad! [does an impression of Gru's face]

Balthazar Bratt:
[repeated line] I've been a bad boy!

Balthazar Bratt:
This isn't over, Gru! You hear me? This is not over!

Balthazar Bratt:
Gum one, gum all!

Balthazar Bratt:
Well, now that I've got the diamond, it's payback time. Oh, it's too bad Gru won't be around to try and stop me. Oh, wait! No, it's not! I hate that tweeb! And you, Hollywood! This time, I'm canceling you! And all the losers who rejected me! [laughs evilly]